'Why doesn't she just leave?'... extreme example why not

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-27508752

The story of a 25yo woman in the US, abducted at 15 and recently rediscovered is in the news today. Thought it was a good example for anyone who is witness to an abusive relationship (or even in one) and who is baffled why the victim doesn't just up and leave. As with some previous similar cases, the woman in this instance wasn't locked and chained when found. Their 'prison' may have been physical initially but it became a psychological one of fear, isolation and misinformation. Common themes for victims of DV. Worth thinking abut.

*She "allowed herself" to be beaten black and blue? Really? Worst case of victim blaming I've ever seen.

Ignorant twat.*

Nope, now you're trying to twist my words, what I actually said was: she allowed herself to be beaten black and blue INFRONT of her children, big difference - and it's abuse of her children.

No I'm not an ignorant twat, my first thoughts are with those poor children.

And yes I do know someone who has suffered DA and the first thing they said they regretted was the effect on their children and they'd have to live with that regret for the rest of their lives.

ONCE AGAIN, I am not making a general remark on DA, I'm replying to the post above about the woman who's b/d ripped her 5 year old son's testicles apart so get your facts right before you go name calling me.

That she was beaten in front of the children is abuse, but not by her. Him. He is responsible for it.

No, she is responsible also and has a duty to protect her children.

Luckily violence is one thing I never suffered, for me it was emotional, mental and verbal abuse with occasional destruction and physical intimidation.

When we met I was successful, confident, fiesty, sure of who I was and where I was going, well liked and sociable. He set about eroding that and it was done so insidiously that it wasn't until I was completely dominated by him that I looked in the mirror at a woman I barely recognised. I refused to let my babies grow up thinking it was 'the norm' and I left.

LTB is not always as cut and dried as it appears. Many women live in such fear of a partner who threatens to take their children or make their lives hell if they go, that staying seems the only option. Women like that need lifelines like women's aid and rl support, not be told they 'allowed themselves to be beaten'.

And I read it as the little boy was beaten by his father when in his care, whilst the mother wasn't present. Why are we now making that the mother's fault? Because she left her children with their father? If he'd never shown any violence towards his children before, I assume she wouldn't have an option?

CurtWild: I am sorry for what you suffered and I do sympathise.

*where a woman had her children removed when her partner beat her 5 year old son so badly his scrotum was ruptured and his testicle was hanging out.

This partner had been minding her three children whilst she was at work.
Under Judge Judy's interrogation it became apparent that this woman had been beaten regularly in front of her children for about a year. Her children were taken by Social Services (or American equivalent) when she brought her lad to A&E.*

The woman is guilty too of abuse of her children imo, she put them at risk and this was the result.

what I actually said was: she allowed herself to be beaten black and blue INFRONT of her children, big difference

Should she have told him to send the children to their rooms?

I hope you are just saying that she should have left with the children, but that's easier said than done.

I went through something very, very mild, by comparison. I left with my purse and my son with the excuse of going to the supermarket.
The car was in my name, I had family nearby.
It was the hardest thing I did. The backlash from him was bad. Nothing like what a man who is capable of beating black and blue could do.
It was very stressful for everyone involved.
I can't imagine how hard it is for someone who has less resources and much less support.

jan whilst I agree in part with what you're saying, I also maintain that she obviously (wrongly) trusted her partner with the children and had no doubt thought his violence extended no further than beating her.

Did she have a choice about who to leave the children with?

The US is not the UK. There is much less social support. Even in the UK, many women feel stuck.

To this day I still worry that exH could abduct DS.

Do not underestimate the power of fear.

In fact, I'd say that as a whole it is the society who is responsible for a woman feeling that she can't leave an abusive relationship.
Because it normalises and excuses violent behaviour, because it doesn't educate women or men about what is acceptable in a relationship, because it doesn't offer safe escape routes.

Believe it or not folks I do actually feel sorry for this woman in the USA, I still think her children are FAR more important than her to be honest and its them who have also had to suffer and will probably now be scarred for the rest of their lives, they may even put themselves in similar dangerous situations.

Lweji, I get what you are saying but a year of putting your kids through that then for one of them to be beaten so badly by the man that their testicles are hanging out, seriously, when do you actually say enough is enough and walk, is that not it???

If she didn't want to leave her children with a monster why not phone social services and get them into care, anywhere would be safer than with him.

In fact, I'd say that as a whole it is the society who is responsible for a woman feeling that she can't leave an abusive relationship.
Because it normalises and excuses violent behaviour, because it doesn't educate women or men about what is acceptable in a relationship, because it doesn't offer safe escape routes.

Well said.

She didn't expect him to turn on them. Although it would be predictable. But I bet she did her best to protect them.

She may well have thought that he'd have them overnights unsupervised, or even custody and she didn't want to leave them alone with him. Who knows?

Maybe she's just an evil woman, there are some out there you know who don't give a shit about their kids.

Interestingly the kids were removed from her, there was no mention of counselling and keeping her with them.

She might not have given a shit about the children, yes.

However, I doubt the system in the US involves support apart from taking the children away from the danger.

Lweji, spot on. There is still a huge element of shame associated with DV. I felt I couldn't tell anyone because I felt it was my fault. Even in my rational mind I still question what I did wrong.

Personally, I believe that people who have not suffered DV cannot understand the level of control and fear the abuser can instil within a victim. It is scary the effect one person can have on another.

Truth be told, he still controls me.

They could have left her with the children if he had been forced to leave then there wouldn't be any danger? I think she was also perceived as the danger.

I feel sorry for any woman in a DV situation, where kids are exposed and beaten up themselves, no I don't.

I'm not familiar with the specifics of the Judge Judy example but again, reading contributions here, when the mistreatment finally involves the children that's often the first time someone will make a serious effort to get away.... implication being that they don't care so much about themselves.

Jan my ex used to attack out of no where. One minute he would be sitting down eating his dinner, the next I would be getting my face punched or my pregnant belly whipped with a belt or raped or being told to strip and being left in the dark and cold until I was allowed to get dressed again. It didn't start like this, he was wonderful then. I felt lucky he had chosen me. Long story short he eroded my self esteem, faith in other people, gaslighted me, manipulated me until I couldn't leave, couldn't tell. I can't put into words why but the fear was just too much. He left, I didn't. Had he not I would not have left and without a shadow of a doubt he would have beat me in front of dd.
The woman in the USA probably reached her moment where some glimmer of hope ignites, when that last bit of human he hasn't managed to abuse out of her gets strength.

Do not pass judgement on anyone elses experience of DV/A. Be grateful you are not one of us.

Sorry to hear that Friggin, glad you got out of that horrible situation.

Where there are children being exposed to violence I will always put their safety over the woman's mental state I'm afraid.

My judgement is on one extreme example given above, the children were removed thank god.

It's a difficult situation to even begin to try and understand. Put it this way, I thought the only way I would escape was if he killed me.

Luckily, he decided to leave.

Jan - what makes you think that leaving puts an end to the abuse? My ex-h's abuse of me and our Dd escalated after I left him.

This thread is really upsetting me. The lack of understanding and victim blaming def kept me from leaving. I had v severe physical and verbal abuse and when I left I had not one person on my side to say no it wasnt u provoking him or whatever. Luckily he never hurt the kids but the environment was hurting them so I had to leave.

But the fear will never leave. He is still controlling me. My life is and was hell and when people who have never been in that situation comment it really gets to me as its like no one will ever understand.

The abuse is so insidious. I too used to be a strong confident woman and years of being called a fat useless cunt have destroyed me.

I got out but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and is no easier on the other side

Agree with jock. My stbxh continues to abuse and emotionally blackmail from afar. He still manipulates, still controls, still makes veiled threats to attempt to keep me in line. Only now he does it via our DC. Cancelling visits if he doesn't like my 'tone', stopping contact if I refuse phone calls and request text conversations. Only seeing them if he can do so in my home. He even tried to get a flat in my street to 'keep an eye' on me.

Abusive partners don't let go just because you ran away. They pursue. Because in some twisted corner of their mind, you are theirs.

Please dont forget that a woman is most at risk from her abusive partner at the point where she tries to leave. A woman leaving makes abusive men A) fearful of being found out and B) ANGRY that she would dare to try and take control from him. Who knows, she may have been threatened that he would kill her or the children if she tried to leave. Maybe she thought her children were safer staying there than her trying to leave and him finding them.