How can you tell if a man is interested romantically? Confused

[ToniHalliday]

I have/had a male friend at work; we sort-of had a (very) minor flirtation until the last two weeks where things stepped up a bit (I think). I've moved onto another job and since he knew I was leaving, he's been much more attentive.

Long story short: lots of emails, small personal gifts, attention....but we haven't actually met up since I left. (We did agree that we'd go for a drink.) So I'm a bit confused. He contacts me virtually daily, emails into the night/early morning...but no drink invite. Friendly but not really that personal emails, if you see what I mean.

So I just don't know. He's had a relatively recent divorce (less than a year) which was v traumatic so maybe he's taking things slowly? Ah, I dunno. I was getting good vibes (eye contact, affectionate, very friendly) but now I'm thinking I got it wrong.

I know I'm being stupid but he hasn't emailed me in a couple of days and I think maybe he's got cold feet. I know this is silly, I've only been gone from work about 2 weeks. Tell me I'm an idiot. :(

I know I should just ask HIM out (after all, he did suggest a drink (twice) so it's not like he'll say no, will he? Will he?!!! Aaargh!) I am so shy, I hate this stuff.

You didn't get it 'very' wrong Toni, you just clarified the parameters for your own well being. Had you said nothing, I suspect you would still be enjoying the endless flutter of flirty emails, texts and er gifts? (odd to me) and wondering what the hell was going on and feeling confused about his intentions. You decided not to live like that and asked quite rightly, what's occurring? Where upon your gentleman friend realised this type of game only works if the other 'player' enters with the same stakes or if you have had the decency to be clear from the outset about your boundaries. It can be done, had he made it very obvious that he enjoyed your 'friendship' and was glad to have a 'friend' like you, you would have known where you stood, in the dreaded friend zone (close but no cigar also known as the reserves bench). Of course what he may then have risked, is less response from you and his poor recently divorced ego craved more than that so he kept it vague. He should be the one feeling like a douchebag not you. I like to feel the beauty of not being a teenager anymore and dealing with this sort of irritation, is my ability to shrug this stuff off and move on with a small nonchalant look of disdain in the direction of no one in particular (if you get my drift)

Well put middleeasternpromise!

Meh. I'd have replied with a "I was just suggesting that drink we talked about but no worries".

He's an idiot. I do agree that you should allow men to do some of the chasing (otherwise how do you ever know if they are really bothered or just taking the easy option) but honestly there is no shame in asking a guy out for a friendly drink when you are already friendly!

Agree with middleeastern you didn't get it wrong.

It sounds to me like he just didn't know his own mind, hence the confusing signals.

I'm full of admiration for your bravery. You've had a temporary knock back, but I bet you'll feel stronger for it in the long run.

I'm always sceptical of texts and e-mails - they are so easy to fire off when you have a spare minute, or are bored or any number of reasons, they often carry no real indication of intent...... I think the biggest clue a man likes you is he's always around you, finds any excuse to talk to you (in person) he's just always there.

Thanks all. I went out today and write it all down and what's interesting us that for the last month it so that I was at work , he really did seek me out: at my workspace, communal work areas, finding reasons to talk to me.

So I guess I didn't get it all wrong; he just was/is confused and I guess it all faded when I moved to my new job.

Today I feel sad: I do miss him and thought we might at least be friends.We did end up spending a fair bit if time together post- Easter and we did have a lot in common. But better than that, I am irritated- he dicked me about a bit and I just don't have time for that.

So now I know, and that's that. Need to delete a load if stuff and put cards/gifts away and move on.

Sorry for typing , on phone.

I think you're being a little harsh on the guy. He's been friendly towards you, rightly or wrongly, you have taken it as an indication (rightly or wrongly) that he's interested and now he's said he's not ready for a relationship you're shooting him down in flames.

Maybe all he wanted and saw in you was a friend?

How did you word the message to him about meeting up? Was it drinks? Fancy dating? or put in a platonic friendship way?

It would help to determine his response to you about not being ready for a relationship as that is the impression he has gleaned from the message you sent him

Toni, if you look anything like your alias I would say he was a very silly man ;)

Granville the OP has ALREADY posted the text. Not hard to read at least the OP's posts is it?

Her text seemed perfectly innocuous and friendly to me given that they were friendly and had already agreed to go for a drink. His response was uncalled for.

Hah Greener, we have the same first name but nothing else in common, sadly.

Give him sympathy cos it is post divorce, and maybe he was not ready to jump over that hurdle again ? I don't think the issue is on your side, even though you are perfectly within your right for some disappointment. This reminds me of those scenarios when I was younger, whereby the guy likes you, and there is that little bit of a hurdle that he won't jump over, and you have no idea why. It's like when you are gone, he wants you kind of thing, but he has no heck of an idea why. You just do not know whether to friendzone him or not at this stage, and some men complaint that we "friendzone" them sometimes, but this is precisely why. That bit of a delicate hurdle, if he was sincere, and had intention, he would've continued to pursue a bit I think. I would just leave him be. If anything, whatever it was that you saw in him, or whatever that you felt, remember that chemistry. Rationalise it a bit, and remember it. Cos the next time that you did meet someone, hopefully they have that quality too. There may be further surprises along the way in the future.

Granville Maybe all he wanted and saw in you was a friend?

Well call me unusual but my friends are ones I can go for drinks with!

He's a timewaster. He wanted a kick out of flirting, but doesn't want to give anything back. He is scared of any emotional entanglement at all, and is jumping the gun by thinking having a drink with a woman could lead to anything else.

His loss, also because OP now thinks he is a bit of a twat.

Toni, I think you should hold your head up high in the knowledge you at least had the guts to follow things up. Talk about face the fear and do it! He was giving off all the signals of being interested (daily emails, gifts, etc) so I don't think you misjudged that. He was either simply getting a kick out of flirting, with no intention of letting it go further, or he totally bottled out. You have nothing to feel silly about although he does

Thanks everyone.

Well, I had a weekend of wallowing slightly and now I am going to put it behind me.

Any tips? Obviously I'll keep busy, and of course No Contact. I'll avoid old woe reunions for a while. Anything else I should be doing?