How can you tell if a man is interested romantically? Confused

[ToniHalliday]

I have/had a male friend at work; we sort-of had a (very) minor flirtation until the last two weeks where things stepped up a bit (I think). I've moved onto another job and since he knew I was leaving, he's been much more attentive.

Long story short: lots of emails, small personal gifts, attention....but we haven't actually met up since I left. (We did agree that we'd go for a drink.) So I'm a bit confused. He contacts me virtually daily, emails into the night/early morning...but no drink invite. Friendly but not really that personal emails, if you see what I mean.

So I just don't know. He's had a relatively recent divorce (less than a year) which was v traumatic so maybe he's taking things slowly? Ah, I dunno. I was getting good vibes (eye contact, affectionate, very friendly) but now I'm thinking I got it wrong.

I know I'm being stupid but he hasn't emailed me in a couple of days and I think maybe he's got cold feet. I know this is silly, I've only been gone from work about 2 weeks. Tell me I'm an idiot. :(

I know I should just ask HIM out (after all, he did suggest a drink (twice) so it's not like he'll say no, will he? Will he?!!! Aaargh!) I am so shy, I hate this stuff.

Yes, I think we will still be friends.

I am slightly miffed though; a bit 'WTF were you playing at?' but I think that's down more to me own over-inflated expectations than anything else.

I think I must have got this wrong, although I did think he liked me. Maybe he changed his mind, I dunno, or maybe the intention was never there?

Don't really trust my judgment any more.

Aah, never mind Toni. Really well done though for putting yourself out there anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I think it was hard to judge. Most folk on this thread apart from one or two thought he might be interested from what you said so we would all have been confused if it were us. So given all that you did the right thing.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Sometimes I don't know whether what I think/see/feel is anywhere near reality!!

I will take the wine and cake tonight, cheers! Ah well.

Sorry it didn't work out better but at least you know how things stand, and at least he was honest now. Well done for putting yourself out there.

Sorry but I think he's behaved like a twat. Sending you loads of emails and giving you gifts, then backing down?
You were only asking him out for a drink not asking him to run off to Gretna green with you.

I am slightly miffed though; a bit 'WTF were you playing at?' but I think that's down more to me own over-inflated expectations than anything else.
I think I must have got this wrong, although I did think he liked me. Maybe he changed his mind, I dunno, or maybe the intention was never there?

Ive been in that situation.I think that sometimes men just dont get it. They like the flirtation stuff & the attention though.Makes me cross actually.

Yes, interestingly I have had this with men before, almost exactly the same situation....flirtation,emails, texts, even the odd lunch, then...nothing. (Maybe it's me? Ha!)

But actually yes; I think particularly with late 40s early 50s men, they do like the attention but perhaps for whatever reason (past break-ups, whatever) don't want to take it further and don't realise the effect this can have on us. (I am massively generalising, obviously).

Well thats been my experience too.

maybe we women are raised to think more about relationships,whereas men like the attention,but dont think that part of their role in life is to be in a relationship.

Ive pretty much given up. men my age are just hopeless. and I expect hat they basically just do ons for the sex.

I think Bindibach said uprhread that he wasn't really interested in perusing you . The signs were all there unfortunately. Maybe it is you but not in a bad way. Men who are interested don't text, they phone you and ask you out. Don't allow men to do this by having your own set of rules whereby you don't get into such situations again. This is why you now feel bad and it sucks. Your self esteem in tatters. You said other men have done it too. You need to think about protecting yourself from this and only bother with those who are really perusing you not those you have to second guess and find yourself chasing. He stopped texting for a few days and instead of deciding to forget him you picked up the slack and tried to make something happen. The signs were there. He just wasn't interested.

Next....

at 'perusing' - she's not a book/magazine, Coco!

I'm miffed too OP, not because he may not have been interested in a relationship, but that you've only asked him for a DRINK - just what he already suggested twice! wtf? You didn't ask him to start 'seeing you', it was just to have a drink and a chat and see if anything follows or not.

I'm miffed because he did mislead you by giving gifts and emailing daily - yes, I understand that for him it was the way to distract from his divorce and just to switch his attention to someone else, but he should have thought how it came across - and at least made it clear that he just wants a friend (nothing wrong with that) - it was very selfish of him to do all this just to check whether he can get someone interested just to boost his ego.

Still I'm sure OP that your self esteem is not 'in tatters' as someone puts it, it's all trial and error in life - at least the good point is, it's not you, he's not ready to date anyone at all.
Next time, I agree, don't get involved in all the texting for a lengthy time before you start going out with a man.

persuing....phone

I think that her feeling she doesn't trust her judgement anymore and wondering if it's her is definitely her self esteem taking s big knocking.

I think my annoyance with myself is that a while ago I had decided he wasn't interested and I had got over it and moved on, totally...then he shows a bit of attention and I'm hooked again. Would be nice to work out what I want before getting involved in these things, and I think that's the self-esteem thing I need to work on.

He is almost irrelevant in this scenario- the question is why I pursue these useless things and why I respond so much to the attention.

What happened in your previous relationship and how long have you been out of it. Im talking about the big one where you had children.

Both distracted by work/kids; drifted apart; no sex; mutual lack of interest/attention; a man who could not (or would not) demonstrate affection.

No infidelity but crushes on unattainable people, similar to this current one (it's somewhat of a pattern).

Toni is the answer there then? You are craving affection and intimacy ( naturally, we all do) but are desperately trying to find it in all these men? Desperation always comes across even when you think it is well hidden. You just explained that the present man in question showed scant interest before then stopped. Then started again sometime later. He was using you for something to do but because you want a relationship with someone, you accept this type of shoddy behavior. You deserve much better but until you feel better about yourself and love yourself and be happy as you are then I think this pattern will continue.

Yes, I think the search for affection is at the root of all this which means that I put up with second-rate behaviour.

Must work now but thanks everyone, it's very helpful to talk this through. :)

I can't see how it was 'second rate' though - many people build up to dating by chatting, signs of attention etc. Op couldn't know that he's definitely not interested, especially as he could have been taking ot slow after his divorce.
As to craving affeection - we all do if we didn't have that for a while, that's why people look for relationships (not juts but still), though I agree that cold marriages do affect self-esteem but not so badly if it's mutual disinterest.
OP, yes, it's true that you need to put yourself first and have your own boundaries rather than respond very quickly to any attebtion, but it's important not to get cynical or closed-off to it, just make sure that after someone shows interest, you don't immediately adapt to their pattern but hold back a bit while appreciating the attention.

affection

Hi Toni - don't give your self a hard time about this I think its pretty common these days for people with complex life histories. I agree with Neil though, in that I think he's been a bit of a twat. People know sending lots of texts and emails and the other signals are really 'come hither' messages. What they aren't putting on the table is that they want the attention but they aren't ready to take it to the next step, they want a get out of jail free card and that's just plain messing about. Sounds to me like you are a nice person and he liked your company he just didn't want it outside his terms. His loss, nothing ventured nothing gained move on now as you already know you can and there will be probably someone far more suitable and emotionally available around the corner. Just make sure you drop this story in the chat so they know you don't like getting messed about and that you only want a cards on the table approach. Its flipping exhausting playing all this cat and mouse stuff no wonder we get addicted to it and as for over thinking it, what else can you do when someone is being so obtuse! Good luck with your freedom.

He is playing games Toni, not worth fretting about.

I had a situation a bit like this some time ago and it got me so confused, mixed messages etc etc that I got quite messed up about it all.

I doubted myself and thought I had invented it, but with hindsight I don't think so. To this day I don't know what this guy was up to.

He started suddenly paying me lots of attention, obvious flirting, then back off, then start again, and this went on for a long time, and it was noticed by others too, but when I couldn't bear it anymore and tried repeatedly to ask him what was going on, he acted like nothing at all was going on and denied even flirting with me which looking back was pretty rich!

Maybe some people like to test their power on the opposite sex, I don't know. I am always for the direct approach myself, and wouldn't deliberately torment anyone. I am no saint, but the way I look at it, you either like someone or you don't, and you are either in a position to do something about it, or you are not. Playing games is idiotic, because even the players may end up getting hurt!

OP, forget the guy, there is plenty more fish and all that.

Life is short, it really is!

Thanks everyone.

I suppose my question is- what do I do next? I don't think I can be friends with him, really.

No contact? Block emails? Delete emails/texts? Don't respond to contact? Throw out gifts...? Ack. :(

what are these gifts, OP? no don't throw then away if you like them.

I'd say, don't answer texts a couple of times, and if he persists and asks, respond politely and leisurely saying that you don't see it as friendship.

there was supposed to be a grin emoticon after the 'gifts' sentence!