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Relationships

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Original poster

How can you tell if a man is interested romantically? Confused

115 replies

ToniHalliday · 20/05/2014 19:00

I have/had a male friend at work; we sort-of had a (very) minor flirtation until the last two weeks where things stepped up a bit (I think). I've moved onto another job and since he knew I was leaving, he's been much more attentive.

Long story short: lots of emails, small personal gifts, attention....but we haven't actually met up since I left. (We did agree that we'd go for a drink.) So I'm a bit confused. He contacts me virtually daily, emails into the night/early morning...but no drink invite. Friendly but not really that personal emails, if you see what I mean.

So I just don't know. He's had a relatively recent divorce (less than a year) which was v traumatic so maybe he's taking things slowly? Ah, I dunno. I was getting good vibes (eye contact, affectionate, very friendly) but now I'm thinking I got it wrong.

I know I'm being stupid but he hasn't emailed me in a couple of days and I think maybe he's got cold feet. I know this is silly, I've only been gone from work about 2 weeks. Tell me I'm an idiot. :(

I know I should just ask HIM out (after all, he did suggest a drink (twice) so it's not like he'll say no, will he? Will he?!!! Aaargh!) I am so shy, I hate this stuff.

OP posts:

greener1 · 22/05/2014 11:03

But you don't work together anymore, so do you need to do anything?

You are interested, he isn't, now he knows you are too. He probably won't contact you anymore now he knows the score, but if he does, tell him directly that you can't be friends and if he isn't interested in you, it is best not to be in contact.

Simples ;)

CocoM · 22/05/2014 11:19

If he contacts you again you should ignore and block if you can. What will most likely happen if he does contact you is that because you are ignoring him he will start chasing you again. He has a pattern. You are worth more.

Maisie0 · 22/05/2014 11:21

Don't go down the negative route too much. I then to do this a lot too. It was a case of he liked you, but maybe not enough, and you did draw the line before, so your gut instinct was indeed right. So... you do not have to hate yourself too much about it. At least you figured out the true answer one way or another, right ? No need for all the self doubts. I myself used to be really bad too, I let the guy do he chasing and then I wait, cos I couldn't figure out if I liked him enough or not. Now I realised that if a guy does make a move, then I should indeed reciprocate or at least communicate back my uncertainty even then. It can get all very confusing, but do not hate yourself over this.

ProfessorDent · 22/05/2014 11:30

Hmm, I haven't read where the OP says how long the flirtation as going on for at work, before she announced she might leave.

If it was for a long time (many months), well, that can be a drag to go from the potential to kinetic. I mean, once you get into idle daydream territory, then a cold blast of reality just doesn't feel so good, it is not a natural progression. It can be a bit depressing in fact, for someone to exchange the warm comfort of a fantasy for the messy matter of fact reality.

CocoM · 22/05/2014 12:29

Toni . I have sent you a PM.

Original poster

ToniHalliday · 22/05/2014 12:42

Thanks Coco, will respond when i have a chance. :) Much appreciated.

OP posts:

getthefeckouttahere · 22/05/2014 12:43

OFFS!

Don't ask him, just spend the next month/year/rest of your life wondering?

You can then build him into a mythical creature to which no other person could ever match, this will then spoil every relationship yo ever have and probably destroy yr marriage eventually turning you into a mad old lady with friends of the feline variety.

of course you could ignore my advice, ask him and avoid all of the above.

beaglesaresweet · 22/05/2014 12:43

I think blocking texts is a bit drastic! If OP was in love and really involved - yes, the cold turkey is the way to go, but as it is, I think you should practice what you (and we!) preach, and be honest with him - i.e. thanks, but I'm not interested in friendship, nice knowing you etc but let's not text anymore.
Otherwise he will think yo've invested way too much and now you are angry and hostile - no need, juts be breezy and then don't reply, or reply by repeating the same a couple of times.

beaglesaresweet · 22/05/2014 12:44

getthefeck, hello? she's asked already - he doesn't want to date.

ChelsyHandy · 22/05/2014 12:51

I think you've been played. He got your attention, enjoyed it and then has got whatever he wanted out of his contact with you and isn't prepared to offer you anything in return.

Not ready to see anyone yet suggests he considers himself such a prize that he has to hold himself back as he will surely be inundated with offers.

Emailing you almost daily, talking online until late, of course its flirtation, and interesting that he stepped it up when he thought you might lose contact. Really not decent behaviour on his part at all as he led you on. You wouldn't have asked him if he hadn't shown such interest.

This is one of the reasons I hate online contact so much. Its so easy to type a few words and press the send key and get attention from not actually doing anything worthwhile at all.

Jan45 · 22/05/2014 12:55

Sorry it didn't work out but I didn't think he was interested romantically hence didn't want you to make that move!

So, at least now you know, it's friendship and nothing else.

I also agree that he hasn't behaved very appropriately.

In my experience, I'm late 40s now, if a man wants to ask you out he does, he doesn't wait for someone else to get in there before him!

getthefeckouttahere · 22/05/2014 12:55

oh the dangers of not reading all of thread!! Sorry OP, good for you, your life is saved!

Maisie0 · 22/05/2014 13:01

Hm, I read something yesterday which amused me.

"There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs."

P.Coelho

Original poster

ToniHalliday · 22/05/2014 13:37

What I don't understand is- and this is a genuine question- what on earth do people get out of this? A bit of attention? So f'king what?

I really don't get it- all he got from this was the short-term attention of an averagely attractive, averagely successful nearly 50 year old mother. There was a bit of a connection. And now that's it.

All that faffing about, for THAT? Really? The cards, gifts, emails, texts, time...for THIS? Sheesh.

At least, in my defence,I would have been up for at least trying to have some sort of relationship.

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 22/05/2014 14:03

It is because he just divorced and he wanted company, that is why, but when he realises that what he did may be wrong, then he felt guilt and did the right thing by you as well. So do not be dragged into his dramas right now. The quote is true, in fairytale books, we womenfolk want to be the heroine and help others, but in reality, we should be with someone who is also completely free, detached and also happy too, so that we can be happy with them too. We should be helping other womenfolk, or helping children. Not helping the man too. Even if he was happy, he can be dragged down as well, and become a "frog" so to speak. So right now, since you are on the up and up, just move forward. Do not dwell on this right now. Cos your future is starting to look up. He also have to deal with his own things, but you shouldn't see his affection as that sincere right now. Does that make sense to you ?

Trust your own gut instinct. Cos you wrote that you screened him out and then you let your guard down when he was nice. Well.. that was the hurdle wasn't it ? He was not completely free free so to speak. Just be weary I guess next time round.

Jan45 · 22/05/2014 14:05

How do you know he's not already IN a relationship with someone else...what he says and what he does appear to be completely different.

Granville72 · 22/05/2014 14:06

Just because he's not ready to date doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Maybe he's a genuine nice guy (they do exist) and values you as a friend?

How did you word the message you sent him?

Original poster

ToniHalliday · 22/05/2014 14:26

'Hello X, hope you're well. Just wondering if you fancy a drink sometime? I can do this Friday after work if you're free. Hope to see you soon, Love Toni'.

Fairly innocuous, not even an 'x'.

I should really have a better namechange, Toni really is a version of my name.

OP posts:

CocoM · 22/05/2014 14:36

If he had sent that to you then you would have no doubt of his intention. But he didn't. You contacted him and for whatever his reasons, he was scared off by your message.

Hedgesinthewind · 22/05/2014 14:43

People know sending lots of texts and emails and the other signals are really 'come hither' messages. What they aren't putting on the table is that they want the attention but they aren't ready to take it to the next step, they want a get out of jail free card and that's just plain messing about

Yeah, this happened to me a while back. The tuogh thing is that the attentoin & affection is nice.

And then you feel stupid & weak for wanting affection. It sucks

beaglesaresweet · 22/05/2014 16:08

yes, OP, that's what I'm miffed about on your behalf - it wasn't just e-mailing like often happens with online dating. He knew you quite well in RL, and spent time getting gifts, cards, all the eye contact, mentioning drinks. The only justification I could find (if he is after all a good person), is that he tried all this because he did like you and THOUGHT he may be ready to date soon - then for whatever reason his mood changed, i.e. contact with ex or just suddenly feeling depressed about divorce - it can come in waves.

But more likely he was filling the emotional void - and the spare time he's not used to having - that his divorce has left. But still, he should have been more careful and considerate and told you he wanted to be friends - then later if he felt more, he could always have stepped up. Instead of just 'trying it for size' knowing he's still not recovered from divorce.

Tinks42 · 22/05/2014 19:15

It wasn't you at all OP, it was him, like I said testing his prowess. Im online dating and 51. You do get this a lot with my age group. I don't waste my time second guessing anything these days, if they aren't totally forthright and direct in their intentions I take absolutely no notice of them whatsoever

IWillIfHeWill · 23/05/2014 09:10

I'm shocked that people think its entirely down to the man to 'phone' (no other means of communication will do) and ask the woman out.

Toni, you did right to ask, how else could you have known for sure?

Last Friday I spoke to a man who clearly likes me, has done for a year or so. I didn't ask him out but I told him (lightly) my situation and plans, the sort of things I like to do in my spare time and reminded him of my email address. He was very positive at the time but hasn't contacted me. I'm mildly disappointed but not desperately hurt - he's missed a wonderful opportunity. I'm glad I spoke up.

Don't overthink the bloke. Look around at the others...

Original poster

ToniHalliday · 23/05/2014 19:18

I think the fact is that I will never really know what his intentions were (if any) but the fact is, he obviously doesn't see me in that way.

So now I know. I'm glad I asked because at least it's over.

Feel pretty grim today- it's still a rejection, for whatever reason, and also I now won't see someone I really liked, even as a friend. I know in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal and I know I'll get over it.

But the fact is he doesn't want to see me and I got this very wrong. Ouch.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 23/05/2014 20:24

Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 it is down to the man. The "quest" thing is well and truly alive even in this day and age. Of course it shouldn't be but it is.

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