Engagement Questions - Man in need of help!

[ItsASecret2013]

Hello lovely ladies of Mumsnet,

First of all, I hope I've posted this in the right place?

I'd also like to say, after reading this forum for a couple of weeks, I'm pretty ashamed to be male after some if the things I've read. You're all doing a smashing job with juggling the busy mum-schedule with the complete f**kwits that it would seem most men are!

I planning on popping the question to my lovely girlfriend, and would really appreciate some help...

The ring has been selected and I'm going to buy it this week, it's a princess cut stone, on a white gold setting, with smaller princess cut diamonds on the shoulders. It's a bit over budget at £4,700, but it's so beautiful I couldn't resist :)

My questions are more based on the actual proposal, should I take her away for a short break to France, or a romantic meal in the Uk? Do I ask her parents for 'permission'? Do I get on one knee? Public or private place?

I'd like to pop the question before we holiday in September!

Help please :) x

Don't ask her parents, really.
Otherwise, if you're reasonably sure she wants to marry you, just go for it. Ty not to make it too public and just be yourself. Words from the heart mean more than expensive gestures IMO.

Ooh congrats! Well I personally would hate a public proposal, I would find it really embarrassing, so ask yourself what your girlfriend would prefer. Asking permission of parents is a nice traditional thing to do and I think if they are the kind of people who appreciate that sort of thing, then go for it. As for where you do it, I guess that depends on your budget but I don't think your girlfriend is going to care where she is once you give her that ring!

Good Luck.

my goodness you sound like a lovely chap!
Actually I don't think most men are f**ckwits, it's just that they give grief so get discussed.

What does she like to do ? Is she a private person ?
What sort of a relationship do you both have with her parents?
You don't need to ask their permission but some people would see it as a charming gesture to have a quiet word with them first.
others might think that was hopelessly cheesy / mildly offensive.

If you love each other and you are sure she will say yes, it doesn't really matter how and where you do it.

However I'd be wary of doing it publicly unless you are sure she is into that sort of thing - I don't know many women who are.

Good luck and report back

Thanks, is that good style of ring?

How about a very small restaurant proposal with only 10 or so people? Is that ok? Or should it be just the two of us? She's a bit shy :)

If she's shy don't have anyone else around at all!!

Do you know that she does want to get married? Or are you literally asking without having a clue as to the answer?

I would have hated a public proposal. How about just doing it somewhere nice, pretty, but with no or very few people around. My DH proposed at home, it was lovely. If she's shy I wouldn't do anything in front of a lot of people.

Don't do it in public. That'd be mortifying, unless she's the type that loves to be the centre of attention.

Do it somewhere memorable. Everyone needs a good proposal story.
Is there somewhere where you first met, kissed, had a drink etc?
My DH was too excited to wait and just popped the question mid dinner. He'd eaten too much too so didn't get down on one knee.

please can you explain why you would want an audience of ten people ?!

Unless she's Lady Gaga

Do it at a place / on a day that is special to you; something that is personal to you as a couple.
Don't go for Grand Gestures - they are great in films but they are not real life. Make her feel it is about her, not acting out a script.
You don't need to ask her parents' permission but asking for their blessing is a nice touch.
Good luck!

Without knowing your girlfriend it's quite difficult to advise, but I have a few points...

If you have ever noticed your girlfriend state any opinions from a feminist point of view - maybe getting irked at pay and career gaps, or scantily clad women and fully clothed men in music videos, or that sports bloke who made all those twatty comments, or page 3 etc., then please don't ask her parents permission, or worse still, just her dad's. Some may see it as a charming tradition but really it harks back to a time when marriage was about ownership of a woman passing from one man to another. It infers that the decision isn't hers to make and is quite infantilising. I would have been really offended (and prob said no) if DP had asked my parents permission.

Secondly, I'd feel really uncomfortable in a £4700 ring. You can get a beautiful, unique ring handmade for less than a tenth of the price, to your own design and with stones, inscription etc that mean something to you as a couple. Look at Etsy for ideas and contact any jewellers you like the look of. I'd be scared I'd lose such an expensive ring, or it would make me a target for muggers. Also I'd rather the money was spent on a lovely holiday!

Don't go too public with the proposal - you see them on youtube sometimes and they are just so cringeworthy, and so much pressure to say 'yes' (although the 'no's are very funny!) Unique and special is good, cheesy and public not so much.

Best of luck - hope she says yes! Let us all know what happens!

Personally, I would have utterly hated a proposal in front of anyone else at all, so I'd say not the restaurant idea. I always cringe in films when men do that - it makes it impossible for her to say No without huge embarrassment, for a start!

Just the two of you. If she likes romantic gestures in general, then I'd say the 'down-on-one knee approach is likely to be appreciated. Where and when is up to you - somewhere that you both associate with romance in general or your relationship in particular is nice.

As to the ring - depends on her taste really! We picked a ring together then day after he popped the question, which meant we could get one the right size and there was no awkwardness about whether we both liked it.

Asking the parents? If she and they are traditionalists, then maybe. But after you ask her, not before. Just as a matter of politeness, not because she belongs to her father!

The 'good' style of ring is the one she likes.

If she did not choose it with you, then I would delay actually buying it - and perhaps, if you want to give something to mark the proposal, a surprise of a different piece of jewellery (maybe earrings to go with the ring), or a novelty ring she'd like in the promise of swapping it for the 'real' one.

Absolutely no-one else there for the proposal. Do it any place/time that you think would evoke thrift mood and be the foundation of a happy memory.

One accepted, ask her what to do about telling her parents 'do you think they'd like it if I went and spoke to them in the old-fashioned way, or shall we go and visit them together?"

'thrift'?? I meant 'the right mood'

Back on the question of the ring: have you looked at what jewellery she normally wears? Is she normally a yellow-gold or a silver / white-gold sort of person?

I second those who are saying: take her to somewhere that means something to you as a couple. If she's quite shy, somewhere where you can be secluded, but that is nonetheless romantic. If you can pick a day where there's likely to be a bit of a sunset, all the better!

I think the question about the ring's cost is a really individual one. If your gf is quite materialistic (by which I mean that she will really appreciate and love a more expensive jewel more than a cheaper one) and you can afford it, go for it. However, if she's the type who won't really mind whether it costs £1k or £4k, or who will be unable to wear it because she's terrified of losing or wrecking it (which would be me: clumsy and accident-prone) then a slightly cheaper ring might work better. Also, her job matters: if she works in medicine or catering or gardening or another field where stones might be a practical problem, you might want to factor that in. If you aren't completely sure that you know her taste, you might want to take her ring shopping and treat her to lunch out one weekend - that way, you get to have the proposal AND another day out to spoil her!

I wouldn't ask her parents, unless she's incredibly traditional. I think a lot of women find that a bit offensive these days.

the proposal is between the two of you. She is no-one's property but her own. You ask HER if she would like to spend her life with you, and she decides if she will accept.

Then (all being well) you tell the families together.

if she is shy, create a memorable moment in a private place without an audience.

good luck to your both.

It's difficult to know without knowing your gf but my thoughts are:

No big gesture - keep it simple and thoughtful. Doesn't need to be anywhere special (trip away lovely but not necessary). Would avoid doing it publicly too.

The ring sounds gorgeous but is it the sort of thing she likes? Dh had a pretty good idea of my tastes as I pointed out things I like in shop windows and chose brilliantly!

I will buck the trend and say that dh asking my Dad's 'permission' was something we all appreciated, although he rang my Dad after he'd actually proposed. But that is something you will need to decide based upon your gf and the relationship she has with her family.

I will second those saying, please don't buy the ring (especially one so expensive and clearly carefully thought out and therefore, err, very difficult to confess to not being one you LOVE) unless you are ABSOLUTELY 100% sure it will be exactly her thing.

Jewellery is so so personal. Spending so much and something so important - ok, it's perhaps less romantic but over a lifetime, she will appreciate MUCH more you having the sense and care to realise that this is one item you want to fall in love with - you want to choose yourself.

...says the woman who doesn't even have an engagement ring and doesn't really care

Oh yes that's a good point on the ring.

Do you know her views about diamonds? I don't want to wear anything that smacks of slavery, personally and bigger isn't necessarily better to my eyes.

Don't go away and don't wait til September.... Most men take longer than a woman wants to wait so just do it this bank holiday weekend...take her out for lunch at the beach and propose on the beach... She'll be happy its done! Don't dillydally

Don't buy the ring.
She may hate it.

Let her chose her own jewellery- after all she's the one wearing it.

Don't ask her where she has to give you an answer right away. Or is being watched by lots of people. Somewhere conversational is best. My DH asked when we were coming back from our grocery shop, and it was perfect.

Have a date for the wedding in your mind, and suggest that (I thought June next year might be nice for us to get married, what do you think?) rather than the very needy "Marry me pleeeeeaaaaasssseeeeee"

Don't ask her parents, they don't own her.

Good luck to you both.

I'll third the "don't buy the ring first" brigade....even a tiny bit wrong and it's a very sore point.

Just look at Kate Middleton's face in the engagement pictures! :o

Also I'd not do a public proposal, unless you feel the need to shame her into saying yes!

Some great advice here, thanks so much. You're all wonderful :)

The reason I was going for a small restaurant is because it's where we had our first date! But I think you're all right.

How about this for a plan.. I check into a fancy hotel at lunchtime (without her knowing) on a Saturday, and take the ring, a nice dress, shoes and toiletries and flowers and leave them on the bed... Then go back to my house and ask my girlfriend to come and help me shopping... We then go together to town and I'll mention that I need to go to a shop and suggest that she goes to a different one (making sure we split)..

Then I send her a text message to say I've gone to meet a friend and to come to hotel name and meet me at the bar... I won't be at the bar... And wait for her to text... Then send her a massage saying "there is a key waiting at reception". Then when she gets to the room, there will be a note saying "put this on, I'll be at the bar"

Then be standing in at the bar all dressed in a well fitted suit, waiting to take her to the restaurant in which we had our first date...

Good idea, or another rubbish one? :)

Thanks all x