Engagement Questions - Man in need of help!

[ItsASecret2013]

Hello lovely ladies of Mumsnet,

First of all, I hope I've posted this in the right place?

I'd also like to say, after reading this forum for a couple of weeks, I'm pretty ashamed to be male after some if the things I've read. You're all doing a smashing job with juggling the busy mum-schedule with the complete f**kwits that it would seem most men are!

I planning on popping the question to my lovely girlfriend, and would really appreciate some help...

The ring has been selected and I'm going to buy it this week, it's a princess cut stone, on a white gold setting, with smaller princess cut diamonds on the shoulders. It's a bit over budget at £4,700, but it's so beautiful I couldn't resist :)

My questions are more based on the actual proposal, should I take her away for a short break to France, or a romantic meal in the Uk? Do I ask her parents for 'permission'? Do I get on one knee? Public or private place?

I'd like to pop the question before we holiday in September!

Help please :) x

White gold is more hard work than some other metals, especially if worn daily. I have a wg wedding ring, it needs to be re-plated with rhodium (to keep its whiteness) on about a two-yearly basis. If you think she'll want to wear her ring every day and want a white metal, platinum or possibly palladium is a better (albeit more ££) choice. £4700 is an insane amount of money to spend on something she hasn't seen though... it sounds romantic to have picked it out, but it is such a personal thing I'd be careful.
The subterfuge idea above is (a little bit) crazy. Calm down a bit - take her to the restaurant, I'd find the cloaks-and-daggers bit suspicious and she may well guess what you're up to (which may or may not be a problem).

yes, we are all wonderful, but you do seem to have all this planned out regardless.

for your sake I hope you pay more attention to your girlfriend's opinion if you ask it.

Good luck!

So now you're buying her ring and a dress to put on?

What if the ring doesnt fit? What if she doesn't like it? What if the dress doesnt fit or she doesn't have the right shoes or underwear to wear with it (don't tell me you'd buy those too!)

This is supposed to be about her. You are making it all about imposing your choices on her.

Big difference.

Buy the ring. DH was worried I'd hate my ring as I'm not a diamond lover (I prefer another stone) but I love it because of the thought that went into his picking it.

If it helps, DH proposed on a week night (not a fri/sat/sun) at midnight on a bridge over a lake with two swans underneath us.

If she's shy, definitely avoid doing it anywhere public. Not in a restaurant, not in front of people & nothing gimmicky.

It doesn't have to be a grand gesture in a perfect proposal destination. I think it's better to do something personal and original. E.g. somewhere that means something to your relationship (where you met? a favourite place you go together?), or somewhere new and quietly romantic would be perfect in my book (e.g. a moonlit walk beside the sea after a lovely meal).

The ring sounds beautiful, but I would check if the jeweler is willing to exchange if she decides she would prefer something different. Or just use a toy ring (or a haribo one) to propose and then go shopping together.

Whether to ask her father really depends on her views, her father's views, how good their relationship is and how good your relationship is with him.

Good luck! (let us know how it goes won't you?)

Does she like that sort of 'game'?

It's just, personally, I'd find it very annoying. But then, if that's what you think is an exciting way to propose, and she's known you for a while, then presumably she knows this is your way of going about things and you are reasonably sure she'd like it?

I'd just take her out for a walk in the moonlight, drop to one knee and ask. Then go ring shopping next day, and go out to the restaurant to celebrate in the evening.

But we haven't met or talked to your girlfriend, so if you think she'd enjoy the build up and mystery, then go for it.

I think, whatever you do, go for it. Don't mumble and sound apologetic. Tell her she's amazing and you can't imagine your life without her. Make her the focus.

How about this? Nice meal for the 2 of you during the day then a 'planned wander' past a jewellers that you might have seen a nice ring in and ask her if she can ooh, you know, see an engagement style ring she likes? Then stand back and wait for the penny to drop
That might not be up your street at all, I can't really advise on romantic proposals as I proposed to DH in a pub toilet on NYE one year...

But fgs don't ask her parents unless they still live 1899!

Murphy's law.
If anything can go wrong, it probably will.

Keep it simple.

Unless she enjoys those complicated schemes.

Personally, I'd find it controlling, particularly the buying my outfit.

DH proposed to me in one of Europe's "most romantic cities" on a long weekend away. He'd researched locations before we left and we arrived to find that each one, after the other, was closed for renovations. I felt like I was on a forced march for two days with an increasingly terse and grumpy partner. I thought he was going to dump me, not propose to me when he finally proposed on the hotel terrace It was a beautiful terrace with a lovely view and we were the only people on it for the 5 mins it took.

We had dinner in a super smart restaurant on our honeymoon, 3 couples got engaged all around us and it was bizarre and a bit of a contest to see who had the biggest ring to be honest.

I don't think that 5k is too much to spend on a ring and it wouldn't bother me to wear it in public unless I was back-packing in a deprived country. You could spend a lot less, you could spend a lot more. Your budget is your own business. I'd go for platinum though over white gold as it's much harder wearing. I shopped for mine with DH and chose the one he would have done, so he still regrets he didn't just do it. Your choice, your risk. I think if you do it, you need a cast iron guarantee with the jeweller that you can exchange it at full value and don't take it remotely personally if she'd like to go along and even look at the alternatives. It's a big decision to chose something you will wear every day for the rest of your life. DH was thrilled when I tried on a 2 carat whopper to discover that it just looked absurd on my tiny fingers aside from being totally outside our budget

The dress in a hotel scenario. It sounds great but the reality is that you could have gone out shopping on a day when she has her period, hasn't shaved her white legs in days and if you forget a razor, spare tights, the right shoes etc etc she'll be in a rotten mood before the evening even starts. Plus you'll tip her off straight away.

Book a weekend away/tell her you've won a night in a local hotel, whatever but let her pack and prep herself would be my advice.

Some friends live close to a beach. He got up at 6am and wrote "Will you marry me ? on the sand as the tide went out, then p#ssed her off by insisting on a walk before breakfast in mid winter (they don't have a dog). He was forgiven though

I'd have hated all that sort of fuss. Buy a 'fake ring' (the quality of these is excellent), and propose to her at home with a table booked for later at your first date restaurant.

Then go and choose a ring together - dh and I found the bit where we were ring shopping together v romantic and special as no one else knew.

I can see you want to put a lot of effort in but personally I think your plan is a bit over elaborate, which can easily lead to something not going right. I am afraid I would also find it off putting and a bit- well, controlling- if a man laid out an outfit for me to put on.

Also, I definitely wanted to choose my own ring. A lot of people have taken the time to comment on that, it's a key part of any engagement scenario and you've not responded to any of those points in any way- which is always a little frustrating to those who are trying to help you.

I'm going to the ring place at lunchtime and asking if I can change it for something else if she doesn't like it, and getting that in writing, or I will be cancelling my order :)

The OP doesn't strike me as trying to be controlling about buying a dress, a little over excited maybe but not controlling!

You know her better than any of us, but:

I wanted input into the ring (he chose it but I had made very clear over the years what I liked and what I didn't - by commenting on friends' rings, when walking past jewellery shops, etc).
If he had asked my parents I would have said no.
If he had gone for something public and showy I wouldn't have liked it.
If you want to do the hotel scenario, bear in mind that not being in the bar you said you would be in would have made me very stroppy! And I agree with the PP about unshaved legs and wrong shoes.

Dh and I were on a cheap weekend away (doing something we always love) and when he find a private spot he went down on one knee with the ring I was most disappointed, thought he'd been rustling to find some chocolate it was perfect for us even though we both looked a mess.

Do it as soon as you're sure doing whatever it is you usually enjoy doing together.

And that's daft money for an engagement ring, spend 10% of that and save the rest of the wedding/honeymoon/house deposit.

I'm really not controlling! I just thought that it's romantic to buy a dress and shoes and leave them on a bed with a nite saying "meet me xxxx" !

Obviously I'm more useless than I thought!!

Surprise hotel/dress scenario is too complex. I think most women would hate to be told what to wear and would much rather pack for themselves.

I do see that you are putting in a lot of thought and effort, but something simple is less likely to go wrong.

I am not saying the OP is controlling. I am saying that I, personally, would perhaps find it controlling were I to be presented with the scenario that he describes with the dress. A lot of women generally hate being told what to wear- it's just something to consider, that is all. If you want to be romantic, take her out for a lovely afternoon of shopping and let her choose something as your treat. Best of both worlds.

OP- I totally understand the desire to have a ring ready in your pocket when you propose. My DH insisted it on that (but still found a way to let me choose it!). If you go ahead with the one you've selected- just check the ts & cs of anything in writing very carefully so that it can be any substitution or a refund if there is nothing else she likes in that particular shop-and not necessarily one of equivalent value.

DO NOT BUY THE RING.

Absolutely insane amount of money (unless you are rich of course). Get a novelty ring for the proposal. Even a soda can pull ring thingy will do. Offer to exchange it for a ring she really likes and is comfortable wearing.

Personally I would much prefer a casual proposal, somewhere on a nice hike in the countryside, or while eating a nice home-cooked meal.

(But then, I am quirky (if not slightly weird) and have never been married.)

The other thing with your dress in the hotel room plan OP is that you wouldn't actually be there in person when proposing and that is all wrong!

Keep it simple. Keep it personal. Keep it private.

Fwiw the style of ring I had in mind didn't suit me and I ended up with something totally different.
And I'd have been quite pissed off if dh had asked my dad's permission! And my dad would've been a bit too. But lots of my friends felt differently.

Aww, I think its sweet.

I'd go for - Go to hotel (as surprise). Produce ring. Say, "If you don't like it we can change it,"
Shag etc. Go to old favourite restaurant.

Planning the room. Too much opportunity for it to go wrong. It would also piss me off that we had gone shopping together then you go off and meet someone else, aren't where you say you are. All a bit try too hard and just off.

Demanding written agreement to change ring if not liked is a bit off.

Public proposal - terrible if she is shy and she might feel pressured to say yes.

DH asked me when we woke up one morning. Just us. He planned the night before to ask me but it was spontaneous and perfect.

In addition to "being told what to wear", it is very possible that she won't like the dress and/or the shoes or that they won't fit properly. (I never buy clothes or shoes for other people for these reasons, and don't buy much online either, at least without free returns)

Some women may find it very romantic, though.

Elaborate schemes, buying lots of stuff, etc also makes you sound too confident, IYSWIM. And puts pressure on the woman to say yes. So I'd go very, very simple.

Fine if you have discussed marriage and so on, but if you are not 100% sure she'll say yes, then I'd really avoid putting any pressure.

Have you done things like buy her a dress and shoes before? Did it go down well?

I don't think a proposal is a good time to do things completely differently from how you have approached the relationship up to this point. It is a stage in your relationship where you are saying "This is working well for me, I hope you feel the same. I'd like to make it a permanent arrangement." The unexpected/romantic aspect of it shouldn't be out of proportion to how things are between you the rest of the time.

If you're both big on huge dramatic unexpected gestures, then that's lovely and a proposal is a great time to go over the top, with skywriters popping the question, trained dogs/monkeys/dolphins bringing you the ring, and a string quartet playing in the background waiting to break into 'Congratulations' at her answer.

But if that's not how you are the rest of the time, or not what she likes, then focus on being you at your best / most lovable, and focus on your actual relationship not some idea of what a Hollywood producer would ask for in a romantic film.