Engagement Questions - Man in need of help!

[ItsASecret2013]

Hello lovely ladies of Mumsnet,

First of all, I hope I've posted this in the right place?

I'd also like to say, after reading this forum for a couple of weeks, I'm pretty ashamed to be male after some if the things I've read. You're all doing a smashing job with juggling the busy mum-schedule with the complete f**kwits that it would seem most men are!

I planning on popping the question to my lovely girlfriend, and would really appreciate some help...

The ring has been selected and I'm going to buy it this week, it's a princess cut stone, on a white gold setting, with smaller princess cut diamonds on the shoulders. It's a bit over budget at £4,700, but it's so beautiful I couldn't resist :)

My questions are more based on the actual proposal, should I take her away for a short break to France, or a romantic meal in the Uk? Do I ask her parents for 'permission'? Do I get on one knee? Public or private place?

I'd like to pop the question before we holiday in September!

Help please :) x

If in any doubt at all, do it privately. I would have hated to have been proposed to in a restaurant or public place! It's great if you like the attention, however.

I definitely think going down on one knee is good. Whether my DH did or not was the question I got asked most afterwards! The is something utterly lovely about seeing a man on bended knee.

Re the ring, if you do want to buy it without her there, the least risky strategy is to look at her existing jewellery. If, like me, she wears simple, clean lined, minimalistic jewellery, she will prefer a classic style such as a diamond solitaire. If she wears more colourful pieces or unusual materials, such as glass or wood, you may find her tastes would be more along the lines of a ring with unusual stones shapes, colours or fancy bands.

On that basis, do you know for sure if she likes princess cut stones? And will she suit one? Stone shape is a bit like buying clothes to flatter a figure. Geometric shapes such as princess or emerald cut stones can sometimes look a bit at odds with rounded/stubby fingers which often suit oval and round stones more.

If you do want to get it in advance, consider the band as much as the stone. If she is petite, a thick band will make her fingers look shorter. As others said, platinum is virtually no maintenence but white gold needs re-coating for life.

Oh God, have just realised that that all gives you even more to worry about. Sorry. Not helpful. Buy the ring and tell her she and change it for one of her own choosing afterwards. Virtually every jeweller offers this, especially as most rings need to go back for resizing anyway.

I think the crux is that we're all different and would appreciate different things. For me, I'd like to be proposed to with the ring (perhaps with the option to change it to quieten my inner control freak ). I also wouldn't have a problem with him asking my parent's blessing. And I like a surprise. So the hotel/new outfit thing also wouldn't be a problem. I'm clearly just easily pleased

Fwiw, I've been proposed to 5 times The most romantic involved a surprise picnic in a beautiful spot where we'd, errrrmmm, done some of our early "courting". Proposal, champagne and then home to get changed for a night away in a lovely hotel.

If you are buying from a high street jeweller you are getting a £1500 ring and a lot of lovely mark-up for your £4700. Buy a ring at auction and have it re-made.

It's a marriage proposal, not something to over think.

The question is, are you prepared to put in the effort for the rest of your life married to her?

Really, I have no time for fancy 'game' proposals. The guys who tie themselves up in knots about something so incidental to the actual marriage, really strike me as immature, and cowed by this new fashion of proposal tourism, etc.

And I've had 8 marriage proposals, including the one I accepted.
If any of them had bought me clothes to wear and told me where to sit and bought the ring, I would have laughed in his face, and told him to get an inflatable doll to marry.

I definitely would want my dp to choose the ring, and when he is clothes shopping for himself he routinely picks up things he thinks I'd like, if I didn't he wouldn't care! Definitely don't and wouldn't feel controlled or like a doll.

I think the only conclusion from this thread is that you cannot ask strangers questions like this. It's all so personal and some things that some of us think are awful others would love. Only you know her; don't think about gimmicks or outside opinions, just think about her, who she is, and what she would actually want.

I think you should keep it simple. Fine to do it in the restaurant where you had your first date - but just the two of you

My xH bought the ring and I loved it (still wear it on right hand post divorce!) and it never even crossed my mind that it was controlling! I thought it was traditional

OP, I think you are really sweet and I suspect that you might have expected a bit more praise from us all, since you're putting in all this effort and thought.

But here's the thing: if my DH put out a dress and shoes for me, told me to put them on and meet him somewhere, he would get a very short, two-word text back, the second word of which would be 'off'.

There would then be a two minute intermission while I got myself a stiff whisky, a picture of which would be sent.

A third text would follow which would begin 'What do you think I am, a shop mannequin?'. I might also use words like 'control', 'misogyny' and 'dressed-up doll'. To illustrate the sentiment, I would consider attaching a picture of me attacking the shoes with a pair of scissors.

Alternatively, if I were in mischievous mood, I might go to a costume rental place and hire out a lion outfit and appear unexpectedly in that.

My strong personal view (and it is just a personal view, others will disagree) is that a proposal shouldn't be something event-ized, ready-packaged for consumption by friends and family on social media. It is not a romantic competition, or an act of conspicuous consumption, and it takes away all the private, earth-shaking magic of the moment to make it about anyone else but the two of you. You don't need a fancy restaurant, a violinist, a fountain, a choir, a flashmob, your favourite football team, and Stephen Fry present for it to be special, because the whole act of proposing is to say 'I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, ever'. You don't need anything more elaborate or expensive than that, because at the end of the day, it's so massive that all extraneous stuff can do is cheapen it.

In that spirit, have you thought about working with a local maker and your fiance to design a ring that would be completely personal? It would potentially cost a lot less, and would be completely unique. She'd never spot another woman with the same one.

Aww I like it. Has she ever mentioned other people’s proposals i.e. when friends get engaged? It’s a good indicator of what she’d like if she says things like “did you hear Steve proposed to Sarah in Paris? Its so romantic” etc

You want it to be special and memorable by the sound of things and hopefully you know your gf well enough to know what she’d like. But I’d say lose some of the subterfuge which might annoy her, why not find yourself near the hotel (maybe a bit later in the day) and suddenly be desperate for the loo, ask her to wait in reception while you go and then ask the receptionist to give her a room key 5-10 mins later. Be changed into a suit with champagne and the ring ready when she opens the door.

I wouldn’t find the dress and shoes controlling, I’m pretty certain my bf would pick out something nice for me as he knows what I like and what i look good in if you are my bf who reads mumsnet over my shoulder then the ring sounds lovely but i’m amazed you’d spend that much and Rose Gold would make it perfect but just to be sure why not ‘steal’ one of her favourite outfits from her wardrobe?

Good luck

Don't buy her a dress and shoes. Just because something is her size doesn't mean it will suit, as we are all different shapes, and clothes may or may not flatter depending on the cut and colour.

Just ask her, privately, with or without a ring, but definitely without an audience.

£4k is a ridiculous amount to spend on a ring, especially if it's white gold. They wear down and can change colour, platinum and palladium don't.

My DH bought the ring first and I'm really pleased he did, he got it just right.

I wouldn't want to wear a ring that cost that much, I'd be too scared of something happening to it. You really don't have to spend that much.

I don't think you should tell her what to wear and I think you're making it too complicated.

Monica and Chandler in Friends - end of.

I wouldn't buy any kind of ring. Propose. If she's says yes go ring shopping. £4.5k is a reasonable budget so you should be able to find something she likes. Defo don't spend 4.5k on white gold. You'd be better with a smaller diamond and a platinum band than bigger diamond and white gold. Going shopping for the ring is probably something the lady will like more than the ring. It's a memory she'll have forever. With regards the proposal I'd just keep it between the two of you. I always find public proposals a bit weird. I'm not a woman though so I may be completely wrong in my advice:) I'm getting separated know but my wife/stbxw still says the proposal, ring shopping and ring was/is one of her best times ever.

I've been proposed to three times. Each time they bought the ring and proposed with it and I adored each one because of what it represented. Your choice of ring sounds lovely

All the women you are asking on here have very specific ideas of how they'd like to be proposed to, those ideas are completely irrelevant to you. It's fine to discuss it here but you may find the onslaught of opinions rather off putting terrifying.

Deep down you know what your GF would like so do THAT. Not what YOU think a proposal should look like.

Also agree with sooner rather than later, men always fanny about too long!

Eek, I'd flip if I had a dress, shoes, whatever and especially the ring bought for me. Haven't you ever watched Chandler and Monica in Friends, where Chandler says he thought it mattered where and how he said it, but what really mattered was her? For me, that's exactly it.

We chose a ring together, he proposed in the bedroom one morning when I was wearing a tshirt of his, morning breath, firecracker hair, the lot. Wouldn't change a thing.

Good luck with your proposal - you know your girlfriend and what she'd like

Ooh weathergames, xposted - great minds!!

I agree with those who say don't be too elaborate or ask in a public place.
Keep it simple. Wait until you're on your own and hold her face in your hands, look into her eyes and say, "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

It doesn't have to be extravagant or showy.

I guess you wanted opinions, so it's opinions you got, and mentioning the cost of the ring is pretty arrogant in mine
Mine cost a small fraction, a single figure percentage, of that, and is not quite what I'd have gone for, but I was asked the day after I came off the ventilator in Intensive Care. I have no memory of it. He did repeat it later on. For some reason people think the story is romantic - I don't, I think it shows that few things have the power to make you really live in the moment, and critical illness is one of them.

So simple, inexpensive, no fuss, and soon is my advice.

It all sounds awful, sorry.
Sounds like you're far more interested in creating some big show than you are in getting married. It sounds all about you, not her.

Tbh, specific little questions, fine... but having to chuck all these big ideas on here? Don't you KNOW her? If you don't know her well enough to know if she's a traditional "ask my dad" type, or a "what on earth are you asking him for?" type, then you don't know her well enough to be getting married.

FWIW, I'd hate a ring that expensive - was pretty nonplussed by mine, at a third of that - waste of money.

And if someone told me what to wear, I'd be still reeling from the weirdness and much more likely to say no!

Stop, calm down, and think about HER.

You have loads of replies and I wasn't going to add, but hell I have to say it, please do not go and spend £4.5k on a white gold ring from a high st jeweller. Do some research and get better value from a diamond dealer, get platinum or palladium and note that princess cut gives smaller dimensions than round for the same carat weight. The hotel/dress/shoes thing is freaky.

Aww, my DH bought (and designed) my ring himself and I love it, I don't get the "choose it herself" thing as yes it is a lot of money but I wouldn't have chosen anything nearly as beautiful for myself out of fear of spending too much on myself, and it is the thought that you have put in that makes it special.

As far as proposals go, private is best IMO. Quiet walk somewhere beautiful with a restaurant/hotel booked afterwards?

OP, here is a link with 50 different ways to propose. Have a look, maybe you will see something that is perfect for you.
wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/marriage-proposals/articles/50-romantic-ways-to-propose.aspx

I think it's lovely. I told my OH I wanted him to buy a dress for me and leave a note saying "Put this on!" and take me to a restaurant, I don't think you're being controlling at all, infact it'd be perfect for me! :P
also I love princess cut. Very nice.
also Private.
Yes get on one knee.

Yes, the knee! And have a facial and barber shop shave ect so you look amazing. When I see proposals on tv and in films, the getting down on one knee is the part that makes me get something in my eye.