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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

zero sex drive - any tips for getting back on track

36 replies

backontrack · 29/08/2006 21:46

Since I had dd 3 years ago I have had practically zero desire for sex. Had dd, then breast fed for 13 months, then conceived ds 3 months later, and he's now nearly 1. Kind of got more into sex inbetween, but more as a means to an end - i.e. conceiving.
I'm still feeding ds twice a day. DH and I have had sex maybe four or five times since he was born. My periods have only just returned.
I just don't feel like sex at the moment. I want to want to do it, but just would rather have a good sleep.
Love dh, but seem to have lost any sexual spark. He's still keen, but I just... feel like I don't have room in my life at the moment - tired a lot of the time and so on. Also almost scared of physical contact like hugs and kisses in case it leads dh on or gives him the wrong impression.
It makes me feel low - want to feel normal again.
Anyway - to cut a long post short, has anyone any recommendations for something that might give me a boost - like herbal supplements or natural remedies I suppose. I know that the advice is the more you do it, the more you want to, but I feel like I need to get past this basic lack of desire in order to get to that place.
Am a regular poster, but... embarrassed!
Am so envious of friends who have regular sex lives.

OP posts:
Ags · 29/08/2006 22:20

Will be watching this thread with interest as I feel exactly the same! My ds is 3 and my dd is 6 months. You could be me from what you write. It is nice to hear that I am not the only one. Lets hope someone has some advice!

fluffymum · 29/08/2006 22:26

I think you and I have something in common!!! This could be me posting! I know that envy, it makes me feel physically sick to think of others with healthy sex life! It has put a strain on our relationship as DH thinks I do not love him and I have questioned it too because surely otherwise I would want to have sex wth him? But I do love him , just don't fancy sex. I also fear leading him on. It is so difficult. I do not know what to do either. Maybe someone will help!! BTW I have 2 children, 3 year old boy and 11 months. I am also BF 11month old 2-3 times a day. Could it be bf reduces sex drive? I'm going to look into that one!

MrsApronstrings · 29/08/2006 22:26

a zinc supplement can help. I have def been where you are at various times between conceiving dd1 and now (11 years on)

I think having/not having sex is very habit forming - you get in (or out) of the groove - try it a couple of times and you may well find you want it more.

Tiredness is also a killer - my neighbour swears by mornings for that very reason - although i am always worried we'll wake the kids if we haven't got a bed full already!

fluffymum · 29/08/2006 22:29

Ags are you breastfeeding
?

HyacinthB · 29/08/2006 22:34

When we first date someone and perhaps invite a new partner around for a meal, we put on music, do a bit of the old mood lighting, take some time getting ourselves ready and delectable - and they do likewise (put some effort into their appearance etc).

When we are worn down by life and small children both parents stop making the effort - that's understandable, but it definitely helps to re-create some sexual and romantic interest if you have a 'date at home' every now and then and pull out all stops, are extremely solicitous to each other (listen to the other person, don't dismiss them etc)

It sounds naff doesn't it - but it does help. This was the advice a Relate counsellor gave us when I was suffering from the same sort of problem.

CountTo10 · 29/08/2006 22:43

I have this same issue, ds is nearly 2 and I'm not bf but still prefer sleep. Thing is I sometimes think its down to insecurities on my part. When i was pg dp went off sex in a big way as he didn't feel comfortable and its taken me a long time to get used to my new body post pregnancy and I wander if he still fancies me, enjoys it etc so i come up with a million and one excuses why not to do it. It is becoming an issue so I need to speak to him and tell him thats why I don't like to do it at the mo (as well as the tiredness!!!) and then maybe we can move on and make some more effort with each other. Think this thread is the confidence boost I need - the date at home thing sounds great. Otherwise i think I'm going to have to get down the doctors for some viagra

VeniVidiVickiQV · 29/08/2006 22:52

You need to get back to basics. Start making some time for you (on your own), and also setting aside some time for you and your DH. Go on a "date" food, wine and conversation. If possible get someone to have the children overnight. Doesnt have to be often, but just now and again. You need to rediscover the parts of you that aren't a mother. At the moment you are consumed by motherhood, and it tends to make you guarded against being anything but.

I dont know much about supplements etc, but, my tip of the moment is to by a raunchy novel and get reading.

Original poster
backontrack · 30/08/2006 06:35

I thought I was the only one! Well not quite, but it's interesting to see that others are in the same boat.
I know I've got to make more of an effort - and it's true you get into a groove of not doing anything.
Mornings would be good apart from fact that ds wakes at 6 at the moment - am making a cup of tea now. Not really a morning person and resent going to bed early so.... knackered!
Right! That's it. Zinc supplements for me and I'm going to give myself a good talking to! Raunchy novel also a good idea - though am in the frame of mind where a good book is preferable to a good bonk.
DH very understanding - I think we both hope that this is a blip.

OP posts:
MrsApronstrings · 30/08/2006 14:32

beleive me , if you are both motivated it WILL come back. I have been married for 13 yrs and have 4 dcs and we have some of the best sex we have ever had now. I think its really intesting that most of you posting have two small ones and relatively close together - I think we had sex about twice a year at that point! It was def the hardest and most tiring time for me, in some ways harder then having 4.

sleepinbeauty · 30/08/2006 17:36

my dh and me only manage to do it about once every 3 months, actually we are close to splitting up now, and sleep in separate rooms as ds insists on sleeping in our bed. guess this means the end for us really, whats the point being with someone who you never have any closeness with??

AvaLou · 30/08/2006 17:55

You need to read the book 'The Possibility of an Island' it absolutely defined the feelings myself and DH had when our sex life slowed to almost nothing after having children.

The main problem for us was I never felt sexy, so didn't feel like having sex. I know it's hard but making sure your hair is nice, putting on a little make up and some non 'mummy' clothes in the evenings and having proper conversations really helps.

Good luck, I think it happens to most people, but most do come out fine at the end of it.

Gobbledigook · 30/08/2006 18:02

Not read all the other posts but you say you would like to do kissing and cuddling but not necessarily leading to sex. Why don't you tell dh this - tell him you want to be close but you don't want him to think it always means sex is next, sometimes it might, sometimes it might not. Then without the pressure of feeling you have to have sex you can start to kiss and cuddle and sometimes you might find you actually want to!

I think it's just a vicious circle - you avoid closeness because you don't want sex necessarily and then you find you never want it because you don't have closeness. Do you see what I mean?

multitasker · 30/08/2006 18:23

i envy men and their ability to get ready for action in couple of minutes. feel the pressure to be as up for it as quickly as him. love the intimacy of kisses and cuddles and the possibility that - give me a minute - it might lead somewhere. isnt it strange that even after 16 years together its a subject that we skirt around, men and womens differences are most apparent here.

Original poster
backontrack · 30/08/2006 22:13

You're right GDG - that's it. It is a vicious circle. And I don't blame dh in the slightest - but sometimes if we hug, he'll then mention the possiblity of an "early night" and I cringe inside. I can't believe that I'm a mature woman in what I consider to be a loving relationship and yet I'm so tongue-tied when it comes to broaching the subject of sex.
for you sleepinbeauty. I'm not the one to be giving advice here, but could you maybe, ahem, utilise other areas of your house? Or does your ds sleeping in your bed involve you being there too (don't know how old he is). Cosleepers may be able to advise.
Avalou - I think at the moment I'm just tired and low and not sexy. Am finding the shift from part time but very fulfilling career to SAHM harder than I anticipated and I can't believe how envious I am of dh having work stories to tell. I just talk about the kids. DH talks about boilers and it's almost like I've forgotten the art of conversation outside of those subjects! Am planning to do some kind of freelance work if possible, or even an evening class, just to have something that is mine and that might make me more interesting. Not that discussion of the central heating industry isn't interesing....

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 30/08/2006 22:13

last time I mentioned this it killed the thread completely BUT here goes again... Have you tried masturbation? Maybe this would help you get out of the rut you are in.

Original poster
backontrack · 30/08/2006 22:15

That's another thing Ladida - feel guilty because I have! It's quick and easy and fits in with my anti-social nature at the moment. But am scared that it's become an alternative to rather than an addition to mutual passion.

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 30/08/2006 22:19

Well in that case you have not got zero sex-drive, you are just having sex with yourself and not your dh .
Do you still find your dh sexually attractive? If not then what could you do together to make him more attractive to you?

CountTo10 · 30/08/2006 22:26

i actually bit the bullit last night and spoke to dp about this whole not having sex thing. He was quite surprised and said he thought I was just tired and although he found it hard at times he just went with it as he didn't want to put too much pressure on. I said i felt like I'd got out of the habit and had started to feel like i was no longer attractive, that i was no good at it anymore etc. He was really understanding and we chatted about how we could do more to make an effort in this arena. I felt and do feel so much better for honestly talking to him about it and wished i'd done it ages ago. i feel a lot more relaxed about it now and we had great sex last night best in ages (not to make anyone jealous!!!!). Hopefully its the start of something new and improved!!! If you are feeling insecure about this issue and its not just tiredness, I would definitely advise taking the plunge and talking about it .my dp isn't usually that good about talking about things but he was so good about it.

Original poster
backontrack · 30/08/2006 22:27

How am I? I really hadn't equated masturbation with sex to that extent. I suppose yes then, I do have some sexual desire. I do still find dh attractive. But in general I think I've come to take him for granted - he's part of the furniture, a co-parent rather than a sexual partner. I think I've become painfully self-absorbed - very wrapped up in how I've been effected by the children. And I'm aware of this, but feel so insular and cocooned that I don't know how to get out of the rut.
I do still hope that this is a blip because I can't imagine being like this for ever. I'm hanging out at the moment for DS to be more reliable sleeping at night so maybe could go away to kick start things. Can't really leave him at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
backontrack · 30/08/2006 22:29

Countto10 - I'm so glad for you. And... think it's time to broach the issue with dh. He's out tonight though! So will go to bed instead!

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 30/08/2006 22:37

I think you underestimate how much becoming a mum can effect that side of things. My other halfs sex drive and feelings towards that side of things did not change at all but I suddenley found it a massive big deal. You pour so much of yourself into being a mum and into your children that you kind of forget who you were before and what your partner was to you!! You'll get it back there and like me your desire is still there its just letting him back in to share it

Kessernags · 31/08/2006 16:14

I agree with Countoten. I feel like I dont have any room for sex. Plus for me since having my baby six month ago things just dont work the same or feel the same. Did anyone else find that? I had an episiotimy (I hope I spelt that correctly) and at times I even find sex uncomfortable. I am actually really worried that it will never be the same again. I hope it will. I want another baby but sex is so important to my husband that he thinks having another one will just make our sex life even worse. He already says he is on rations now. He thinks I have gone off him and dont love him anymore just like someone else said earlier.

Chloe55 · 31/08/2006 16:30

We are in a similar situation - I have just bought this and fully intend on setting a night aside (after ds has gone to bed) - having a bottle of wine and using the game to get me in the mood.

Chloe55 · 31/08/2006 16:31

Sorry, you have to click on NOOKII on the left hand side to get to the game.

lilymolly · 31/08/2006 17:27

God this is just like me, but I have gone of Masturbating as well, so def lack of sex drive.
We are going to Relate to try and sort issue out, but I am terrified to lose dp. without being smug, its nice to know other people are like me- and TBH i think some people who tell you their sex life is fantastic are lying!
Good Luck x