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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

zero sex drive - any tips for getting back on track

36 replies

backontrack · 29/08/2006 21:46

Since I had dd 3 years ago I have had practically zero desire for sex. Had dd, then breast fed for 13 months, then conceived ds 3 months later, and he's now nearly 1. Kind of got more into sex inbetween, but more as a means to an end - i.e. conceiving.
I'm still feeding ds twice a day. DH and I have had sex maybe four or five times since he was born. My periods have only just returned.
I just don't feel like sex at the moment. I want to want to do it, but just would rather have a good sleep.
Love dh, but seem to have lost any sexual spark. He's still keen, but I just... feel like I don't have room in my life at the moment - tired a lot of the time and so on. Also almost scared of physical contact like hugs and kisses in case it leads dh on or gives him the wrong impression.
It makes me feel low - want to feel normal again.
Anyway - to cut a long post short, has anyone any recommendations for something that might give me a boost - like herbal supplements or natural remedies I suppose. I know that the advice is the more you do it, the more you want to, but I feel like I need to get past this basic lack of desire in order to get to that place.
Am a regular poster, but... embarrassed!
Am so envious of friends who have regular sex lives.

OP posts:
pixiepins · 01/09/2006 10:14

yay! so it's not just me then!
i have just read this thread and i'm so glad i did cause i was just beginning to feel lke a lost cause!
like someone else said...this could have been written with my life in mind! the thought of sex make me feel like its all too much but yet i still love hubby and then end up feelin all confused.

Kessernags · 01/09/2006 15:18

No its not just you. By the sounds of it there are plenty of us in the same boat and the ridiculous thing is I dont feel like I can talk to anyone about it. It makes you feel a bit lost. The one friend that I could talk to about it doesnt have kids and I'm sure my other friends would be honest.

AvaLou · 01/09/2006 17:01

Oh I'm sure it's the same for lots of couples.
I have friends who have been together for 6 months and now they have moved in together they end up going to bed seperately, reading books etc.
They are already booking weekends away just because it will make sex more interesting,
and they are both 23 and have no children.

dramaticpenguin · 23/03/2010 19:49

god that could be me too, though I only have one son and he's 15 months. Like you said, really want to want to but am finding that it feels more of just another job! I see it's a common problem which makes me feel a bit better...So on to find the answers.

wifyhome · 23/03/2010 20:10

Sounds like you need A NIGHT OUT with your hubby from time to time
have good time laugh together and relax
remind yourself why you are with your man and things will get back to normal
dont be frightened of cuddles and kissing etc, hell just feel rejected and that wont help..
we went through a dry spell but things just got better as time went on

if we struggle with babysitter/money etc on fri & sat night when little one goes to bed we have bottle of wine or popcorn etc watch movies have a laugh!
or invite good friends round /that wont mind not so tidy house and dont require 3 course meal/
its not the same as going out but a damm good alternative

frakkinaround · 24/03/2010 11:42

'I have friends who have been together for 6 months and now they have moved in together they end up going to bed seperately, reading books etc.
They are already booking weekends away just because it will make sex more interesting,
and they are both 23 and have no children.'

I was worried you were talking about DH and I there Ava! That's exactly what happened to us...

Sex comes and goes and there's different kinds of sex for different times. That's life. Just be popen to what happens or doesn't happen, both of you.

topsi · 24/03/2010 17:11

I am the same, everything works and is in the right place if you know what I mean. It's just when it comes to it I would rather go to bed to sleep. DH has become fed up with the situation and has stopped asking for it. I hate it because there is nothing I would love more than for us to be all over each other. I took Ginsing once which did help to a certain extent, maybe I will try it again.
I guess I find most aspects of life at the moment pretty difficult and as others have said I just don't feel sexy. I don't get enough sleep and like most mums spend the day thinking about which clothes need washing and what we are all going to eat and worrying about money. How can you feel sexy after a day like that??
I am too tired to have a conversation most evenings let alone any thing else.

Monadami · 25/03/2010 00:50

I have never had a high sex drive and am rarely interested now. I might try that new drug that's due to come on the market. Apparently it increases female libido. It's called Flibanserin.

topsi · 25/03/2010 08:19

Interesting Mona, wonder when it will be available in the UK?
Previous medication has been only available post menopause

ItsGraceAgain · 25/03/2010 11:22

This is a nice, positive thread about "the problem" isn't it?

My libido went on holiday without me about 6 years ago - it's sent a couple of postcards, but doesn't seemed to have booked a flight home yet! Mind you, I'm single, have ishoos & am on antidepressants so what can you expect? I should go on holiday, too!

Thinking back to previous relationship hiccups - and my near-encyclopaedic knowledge of diet & nutrition - here's what I can offer ...

Most of the time, as many have said, it's to do with habit, feeling 'mummified' and de-prioritising sex. Dates are a necessity: you need to go out for meals & drinks, so as to get the communication thing going again; it's also a great idea to go to the cinema, theatre, exhibitions or whatever. That adds a few credits to your "shared experience bank" and gives you something other than kids & bills to talk about.

Have your hair done, fix your nails and buy some pretty underwear that fits you properly! Makes more difference than it should ... to you! Any benefits to him are incidental

Go back to playing. Not with the kids - but, way back when, did you get tiddly & dance round the kitchen together? Go bowling? Play stupid guessing games to pass the time? You know ... mess about together.

Add new dimensions to your own life. Pick something to study, volunteer, or put yourself about for some freelance/part-time work. Being a mummy may be your priority, but has your brain gone away with my libido? Thought not.

If sex made you hurt (sorry to hear about your sore episiotomy, above) go to your doctor and whine until s/he does something about it.

Zinc and iron deficiencies are very common in Northern Europe. Both make you feel tired & apathetic. Another mineral in short supply is selenium, which is thought to affect the libido. Start taking a multivitamin & mineral supplement that has everything in it. Holland & Barrett's Super One is quite good. You also need huge amounts of Vitamin B (all varieties, and way more than the RDA). The Super One includes plenty of Bs.

If you like Marmite, it's an excellent source of trace elements and B vitamins. Get your 5 fresh fruit & veg, or take a high-dose Vitamin C. In fact, you can't overdose on C (well, you can, but not in the real world) so there's no harm in getting extra. Nuts, especially Brazil nuts and walnuts, are good for your zinc & selenium levels. Whole grains are good for Vitamin E, which is also thought to help your sex drive (and your skin).

On the weird & wonderful side, there's quite a bit of evidence that ginseng and ginger help with energy & enthusiasm. You should make tea with fresh or bottled root, if you can get them. Ginseng root is scarce & expensive, so most people use supplements. It would be hard to overdose on those two; go for it. Other Oriental herbs that might help are Gingko Biloba, Devils Claw and Horny Goat Weed (honest!!)

Finally, hot spices have long been thought to pep up the urges. When you go out for that meal together, how about making it a curry or a chilli?

Watch a film featuring plenty of good-looking sex (that rules out porn, then ), read a bodice-ripper, get your fabbest shoes out from the back of the wardrobe ... and good luck!

Cougar · 26/03/2010 12:41

And on the subject of sexy fiction I can recommend a writer called Primula Bond who seems to hit the nail on the head with her realistic situations made into sexual fantasies. It really does get you going and itching for your DH to come home! She apparently has a new book of stories coming out in April. I understand what you're going through, we're down to once a month even 7 years after my last baby, but above all keep talking, touching, holding hands, treating yourselves, taking time away from the kids. Get a couple of early nights before having a lovely intimate dinner with him, get a little pissed, light candles, listen to sexy music. Keep loving.

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