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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really confused about feelings toward new relationship

106 replies

pinkladybirdpurse · 12/05/2014 23:07

I am in the midst of a bit of a whirlwind romance with a guy I met a month ago.

We met on a night out (rare for me as I am a single mum to a young DD) and hit it off straight away - great chemistry, instant attraction, loads in common etc. We have spent a lot of time together, pretty much all our spare time - he will often come over to mine after work and spend weekends together. He has already met my DD, he is great with her.

The thing is, he is very full on. He is very charming, has already told me he loves me, wants a family with me, has even bought a car seat for me DD so we can go on trips together in his car (I don't drive), starting leaving things at my house like toothbrushes, toiletries (he did this within a few days). I do really like him but don't think that I could honestly say that I love him as it is too soon but feel pressure when he tells me he loves me. I also don't really believe him when he says he loves me as he doesn't know me that well in the time we have known each other.

I took part in quite a big sporting event just over a week ago - it took a lot out of me, I was exhausted. He wanted me to go out and meet his friends later that evening and I explained I was too shattered and said that I would prefer just to spend the night alone at my home. He got very upset, accusing me of blowing hot and cold and implied that I should make more effort to meet his friends. I remember him suggesting the evening out with his friends and I said then that I would have to play it by ear as I didn't know how I would feel after my event but he worded it on the day as though it was definitely going ahead. Also immediately after the event when we got to his all I wanted to do was collapse and relax but he asked me to help him with clearing up around the kitchen. I was a bit put out by this. Its not like it is my kitchen or my mess. Another occasion I explained I have a long standing plan to meet up with a friend on a Sunday in a few weeks time (this was arranged before I met him) and he said why would I want to meet with my friend when we should spend time together.

I feel really in two heads about this. I do really like him, he is really nice (sometimes I think he might be too nice, too good to be true) and am waiting for the "but" to appear. But I have also been burnt lots of times and am second guessing myself - am I just self destructing and pushing away a really nice guy... I have told him repeatedly that I want to take things slower but he still keeps coming out with these lines about how much he wants me etc.

I suppose I am worried about making the wrong decision either way, either that I dump him and he turns out to have been a great partner or stay with him and he turns into a control freak.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly received!

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 14/05/2014 13:45

and am waiting for the "but" to appear.

I think it's appeared a few times!

YouAreMyRain · 18/05/2014 11:58

So OP, did you give him the benefit of the doubt yesterday?

Original poster
pinkladybirdpurse · 20/05/2014 18:26

I'm probably going to get flamed but here we go...

I did give him the benefit of the doubt over the weekend. He apologised (unprompted) about his behaviour after my sporting event saying he had perhaps been a bit mean asking me to help him round the house etc. We ended up having a really nice weekend, bbq's in the sun, and I thought oooh this is nice, perhaps I will give him a second chance...

However I am now rethinking this all over again as I was very unwell on Sunday and yesterday. He popped round to mine last night (I was happy and comfortable about this). Later on he started to get a bit intimate (kissing and cuddling) and I had to explain to him that I was still feeling unwell and was very tired. He then started up with the "your blowing hot and cold with me" thing and said that he was leaving. He said that he felt that I was pushing him away and that it was too soon in a relationship for me to be behaving like this.

Today I've been quite annoyed about this as I don't think I have been blowing hot and cold, I was ill (he saw me being ill on Sunday) and I think he is just projecting his own thoughts onto me in terms of certain behaviours being too much too soon. It makes me feel like my feelings are not important to him and that I should be sparkling and on form all the time.

I chatted to my friend again today and think that he may be very insecure/needy and perhaps it will get better over time.

I think I might still give him a bit more time but I'm getting closer to dumping as I don't appreciate all this pressure.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 20/05/2014 18:32

You gave him the benefit of the doubt. He acted like an arse again. Better to be single and happy, than in a relationship that has you treading on eggshells. Dump.

AllThatGlistens · 20/05/2014 18:36

Oh ffs.

I dont know how many more warning signs you need?

Please have more respect for yourself and your DC.

Sad
Santaclaws · 20/05/2014 18:54

He won't get better over time, I had a man such as this for 4 years and it got progressively worse. And yes that's exactly what they do expect, you to be on sparkling form all the time, god forbid if your not you will pay for it. They expect sex when you are ill and if they don't get it they start with the sulking or guilt tripping. It's hell with this type of man and before you know where you are you are doubting your own judgement on everything

I'm with someone a world away from that now and it's only now I can finally see how abnormal and abusive he was

wyrdyBird · 20/05/2014 18:54

I think this is spot on
he is just projecting his own thoughts onto me..... It makes me feel like my feelings are not important to him and that I should be sparkling and on form all the time.

Low or no empathy, in action.

This doesn't stem from insecurity or neediness, IMO. Insecure people would likely try too hard to please, and to fit in with you. He's doing the opposite: trying to manipulate you into conforming to his expectations.

That's control. It gets worse, not better. :(

Mabelface · 20/05/2014 18:58

He ain't gonna get better, that's for sure! If he's that needy at the beginning of a relationship, he'll get more and more, and he'll make you responsible for his happiness, and you will bend over backwards for him, whilst he sits back like a king and you run around him.

TheCatThatSmiled · 20/05/2014 19:05

If someone who is insecure & needy behaves like this at the start of the relationship it won't get better over time. It will get worse as the novelty wears off .

He's not insecure. He's a selfish arse. With no consideration.

He's testing your boundaries. And punishing you when you enforce them.

Just text him and say your done. Please?

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 20/05/2014 19:08

Can you HONESTLY not do better than someone who acts like such a cretin in the first MONTH of your relationship?
I don't know you but I'm sure you can...

imgonnapay · 20/05/2014 19:56

Look at my name, I have just got out of a marriage that started just like that please listen to all these ladies they talk sense

Lweji · 20/05/2014 20:05

No flaming. :)

It's good that you are seeing him for what he is. He won't improve.
As he said, it's early in the relationship and he's already being a controlling twat.
I do hope you dump him sooner rather than later.

Frogisatwat · 20/05/2014 20:11

Just dump him. This is the honeymoon period. Are you going out with my ex? I wish I had had mumsnet when I it happened to me

Frogisatwat · 20/05/2014 20:32

Fwiw I am a slattern. I wouldn't let any new partner see my grubby kitchen let alone get pissy if they don't jump to it!

teaandthorazine · 20/05/2014 21:03

Honestly, OP, why?

Why are you so invested in this relationship that you feel you keep having to give this whiny twat the time of day?

Springheeled · 20/05/2014 22:20

He's criticising your behaviour and making you feel bad. I had one like this and wish I'd mumsnetted far far earlier. If I'd gone on here after about two months and asked was it ok if he was sometimes a bit silent and moody and yet always accusing me of going cold and 'distant' from him (eg if I wasn't virtually shagging him in public) then I'd have been spared three years of heartache. And heartache doesn't even come close to describing it. Honestly, I feel lucky very day to still be here.
Listen to the wise women!!

tumbletumble · 21/05/2014 06:49

You say in your last post perhaps it will get better over time but what if it doesn't? You've only been with this guy a month and you're already hoping it will get better - this is the bit which should be fun and stress free! Cut your losses and finish this before you invest any more of your time and emotion.

He shouldn't be making you feel bad this early in the relationship. It's just not worth it!

LettertoHerms · 21/05/2014 07:09

Please op. I know it's hard. But you have to get out. For the sake of your daughter. His behavior isn't right. Every red flag is there.

It will only get worse. The fights will happen. You will leave. He will make you doubt your decision, make you want to go back, convince you it will be so much better this time. It will repeat. Sometimes the good bits will be for months. But it will be repeat, and every time will get worse. More extreme. Each break-up will be harder, more destroying. Each makeup will seem like a good idea, but it will only lead to worse incidents. And repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

Listen to all these ladies that have lived through it. Don't put yourself through this. I've started weeping reading this thread - I wish so badly I'd had someone to give me this advice when I was only a month into my experience, when I could have written your post. It only gets worse, and months or years later, leaving will be like clawing your way barehanded out of a deep dark hole, without even being sure of the person you are anymore, with scars you may always carry. Please run now.

pictish · 21/05/2014 07:20

Are you really so desperate for a man that you will blithely ignore every single warning sign rushing at you telling you clearly what a fucking disaster this guy is?
Benifit of the doubt? Give him a little more time? Why?? Why must you flog away at this total car crash of a relationship? You owe him nothing!

Stop being such a bloody soft arse and get rid of him for fuck's sake!

pictish · 21/05/2014 07:24

Any man who sees fit to pile the pressure on to suck his cock (or whatever) while you're ailing, despite an expressed desire not to, is a smear of shit. Got that?

FatherJake · 21/05/2014 07:56

You have a kid? And you're still with this weirdo? FFS sort yourself out.

InspirationFailed · 21/05/2014 08:14

You are walking into an abusive relationship with your eyes wide open. You are a fool.

He sounds exactly like my ex. Our relationship started the same way as yours and if I knew then what I kiwi now I would have run a mile. I wish I had someone to have pointed it out to me. It gets worse and quickly. You will end up pregnant and stuck with him. It took me 4 years to get away from my ex and here you are after only a month making excuses for him and choosing to stay with someone who is a classic abuser. After a month!!

I went on a couple of dates with someone not long after my ex and I split up, one evening I felt unwell and didn't want him to come round and he moaned that I was unfair and should want to make an effort to see him etc, another time he opened my post, he also picked up my phone and replied to my texts! After only a few weeks of dating! He stayed over and it suddenly hit me in the middle of the night that I was getting into the exact same situation as I had escaped from. It was 3am, I woke him up and told him to get out, I wasn't even going to wait until the morning, even a few hours more was to long to stay in that relationship. I don't recommend that method though, it didn't work out to well for me - controlling aniseed don't take to well to be suddenly faced with the complete loss of power and the realisation that they have lost. I would dump him via phone or in a public place, make sure there is nothing at your house that belongs to him, don't give him a reason to need to contact you again. It's the oldest trick in the book, I think they leave stuff there on purpose.

chizchizchiz · 21/05/2014 08:35

OP, have name changed for this post.

I started off in a relationship like yours. He was a bit of a dick sometimes, nothing major, just enough to keep me thinking it would get better if I just hung on in there, gave him my time, gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I remember lying next to him one night, about two months in, thinking this is wrong, I just need to get out, I just need to leave now. All my instinct was telling me that it wouldn't improve - but I ignored it, pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on the fun stuff and the great sex.

Fast forward three years, and I'm lying on the bed with his knees on my chest and his hands around my neck. He's drunk and high, and he wants to kill me because I've said something he didn't like. Our baby is crying in the next room.

I thought our relationship was exciting and dramatic and I thought I could be the one to show him what true love is. It almost left my son without a mother.

You think this will never happen to you. You think he's not like that. Why would you want to take the chance? Don't be like me. Don't be a mug. Wake up.

Glastokitty · 21/05/2014 08:48

Holy hell woman, how many red flags do youneed? This man is an absolute arsehole, you should be running like the wind.

KikiShack · 21/05/2014 09:08

I'm giving you my first ever LTB to implore you to please get out now.
I've been reading MN relationships for about6 months, ever since DD was born and I left the MN pregnancy pages looking for something else to read. I've followed so many threads about abusive relationships with a sick fascinationand been in tears of joy at how lucky I am to have a decent loving DP, and I've been in tears of despair reading threads from women who are unable to leave their EA partners after 2, 5, 10, 20 years. I wish I could do something to help all these abused women.
You are so so so clearly right at the beginning of this hellish journey, it could not be more obvious. Please get out now. Please don't subject your gorgeous DD to a miserable life learning that women must put you with abuse.
ONE MONTH of relationship is so little, it can't be worth the gamble given what misery could lie ahead? Think about how many women have posted here and work out the odds. There's a what...1 in 100 chance they're all wrong? Why take that risk? Is one month youve shared so mindblowingly amazing that it's worth such low odds? Doesn't sound it to me.
There are loads of lovely, kind, amazing men in this country. Throw this one back before you waste years of your life on him. Have a month or two off then look for someone better.
The test of whether he's a nutter or not well be when you dump him, so you could even try a test dump, see how he takes it (die he follow the script above?) and if you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say we've all got it wrong and he's a lovely guy who had a couple of off moments in the early days then call him up, show him this thread and tell him the nasty internet feminists bullied you into dumping him.
I am so sure that the test dump will reveal his colours that I'm happy to suggest something against normal advice for EA men in showing the thread.
ONE CAVEAT: it's possible he's already seen this thread, hence the unprompted apology, so worth changing your mn password and being wary about that.