Really confused about feelings toward new relationship

[pinkladybirdpurse]

I am in the midst of a bit of a whirlwind romance with a guy I met a month ago.

We met on a night out (rare for me as I am a single mum to a young DD) and hit it off straight away - great chemistry, instant attraction, loads in common etc. We have spent a lot of time together, pretty much all our spare time - he will often come over to mine after work and spend weekends together. He has already met my DD, he is great with her.

The thing is, he is very full on. He is very charming, has already told me he loves me, wants a family with me, has even bought a car seat for me DD so we can go on trips together in his car (I don't drive), starting leaving things at my house like toothbrushes, toiletries (he did this within a few days). I do really like him but don't think that I could honestly say that I love him as it is too soon but feel pressure when he tells me he loves me. I also don't really believe him when he says he loves me as he doesn't know me that well in the time we have known each other.

I took part in quite a big sporting event just over a week ago - it took a lot out of me, I was exhausted. He wanted me to go out and meet his friends later that evening and I explained I was too shattered and said that I would prefer just to spend the night alone at my home. He got very upset, accusing me of blowing hot and cold and implied that I should make more effort to meet his friends. I remember him suggesting the evening out with his friends and I said then that I would have to play it by ear as I didn't know how I would feel after my event but he worded it on the day as though it was definitely going ahead. Also immediately after the event when we got to his all I wanted to do was collapse and relax but he asked me to help him with clearing up around the kitchen. I was a bit put out by this. Its not like it is my kitchen or my mess. Another occasion I explained I have a long standing plan to meet up with a friend on a Sunday in a few weeks time (this was arranged before I met him) and he said why would I want to meet with my friend when we should spend time together.

I feel really in two heads about this. I do really like him, he is really nice (sometimes I think he might be too nice, too good to be true) and am waiting for the "but" to appear. But I have also been burnt lots of times and am second guessing myself - am I just self destructing and pushing away a really nice guy... I have told him repeatedly that I want to take things slower but he still keeps coming out with these lines about how much he wants me etc.

I suppose I am worried about making the wrong decision either way, either that I dump him and he turns out to have been a great partner or stay with him and he turns into a control freak.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly received!

please listen to the people here. They have the benefit of hindsight and see the pattern (you've spotted it too, because you have very clearly explained why you're uneasy about him).

He is lacking in empathy if he can't take your feelings on board. notice how stroppy he gets what you want conflicts with what he wants.

notice how he thinks his preferred pace of relationship trumps yours. He should be slowing the fuck down, not rushing you more. Rushing is a technique used to get people to make rash decisions, favored by used car salesmen, con artists and future abusive partners.

Oh dear God.

You know, don't you. Your instincts are already telling you this is all wrong, perhaps you just needed outsiders reactions to confirm it?

There are so many red flags all over this I wouldn't know where to begin. Please think about your little girl and give yourself the breathing space to look at this man properly, with your eyes wide open.

Another voice adding 'Get out now'

He sounds horrendous and it's only been a month.

So many red flags.

Do not hesitate to call the police if he kicks off when you end it. Do it in a public place. I can see him kicking off badly

And please, please for the love of all that is holy, do not involve your DD so early on ever again. It's not fair on her at all. I have read a few posts on here lately where the mother has introduced their DC within a few weeks and it is worrying. Especially when the new boyfriend turns out to be an arsehole of epic proportions.

Dump this loser.

Another one saying dump him right now. For all the reasons above. Controlling, needy, completely oblivious to anything you might want or need as a separate person, and with nice little touches of 'I would also like a domestic servant built into my new little project'. All dressed up as hyper romantic swept up off your feet luuurve (after oooh, a couple of days!)

No no no no no.

Huge red flags all over the shop.

You have a child, you need to be much more careful - she shouldn't have met him by now, really. REALLY. Because of potential situations like this.

Please get rid immediately!

pinklady, I would like to agree with the other posters above, but I fear that you will find all of the advice overwhelming, and not come back to the thread.

A compromise is to sit your bloke down and thank him for the last month, but say that as a mum, you now have to look at what you can give, and what you need. (Agree with the others. Do this is a safe, public place, so that he can't kick off. Going out for a quiet drink, just the two of you, would give you chance.)

Look back at your OP and draw up a list of what you need. Think about what your boundaries are. None of the things you have suggested are unreasonable at all. You need to find out if he can respect these.

If he says he will, but then his actions say otherwise, listen to his actions. You only get one chance. Be very glad that you have seen the warning signs. You have the chance to make sure that neither he, nor anyone else, treats you as if you are less than a fantastic, strong, independent, woman and fantastic mother to a dd who will grow up understanding that there are only two types of men. Those who respect women and those who don't.

You need to take this and any other relationships more slowly. Time to get to know each other. Less of the "I love you" nonsense, and more of the "What would you like to do now"

No accusations of 'blowing hot and cold'. This should be a time to get to know each other. That means that you like him and enjoy doing things together, not that you are going to do everything that he wants as soon as he wants it.

No assumptions! You said you would think about a night out, he 'Worded it' differently. You should have the right to say no, at any time, without him assuming that you will be doing anything.

Free time to meet your friends, be alone, do anything you want to do. Healthy relationships are between strong individuals who share some of their time together, not two people being joined at the hip.

If you say you are tired, then you need time out, time alone, not pressure to go out. You have a dd to care for, you need to look after yourself, and a man who understands that.

HTH

I'm sorry, but any allowances with this guy only increase the risk of prolonging this relationship and dig the OP into an abusive relationship from which it will be difficult to get out.

I think Pink knows this is wrong, and hopefully you are ditching this man or have already dumped him.

Please listen to your instinct. The controlling guys appear 'lovely' and the Mr Nice Guy but he is controlling and it will only get worse.

What do you know about his relationship history?

I haven't made the best relationship choices myself in the past, but even I would be legging it from this one, OP. I'm sorry, but he is already being manipulative and controlling and you only met a month ago. Put yourself and your DD first and dump him, now.

I have never done the "red flag" comment as I feel lacking in knowledge. Or so I thought. Every instinct I have about what you have written screams bad news. If you were my sister or friend I would be worried and really hoping this ended soon. If it didn't I would be trying to work out how to open your eyes.

It just feels too much, too fast.

DOn't get me wrong, DH and I were pretty quick to get serious. But there was never a riding roughshod over each other. A lack of respect for the each other's friends/opinions/tiredness.

Fairytales can happen. Whirlwind can happen. But if your instincts have drawn you to post here...I think you know it is a fairly safe bet these romantic idyll are not taking place here.

Honestly OP, this has nightmare written all over it.

I really hope you're still reading - some of the comments here might seem a bit harsh but I read your post thinking no, no, no! We've all made poor judgment calls in the past - I don't believe anyone who says they haven't - but you absolutely need to see this for what it is.

This is so far removed from a functional relationship that I hardly know where to begin. Please end it with this horrible, manipulative, jealous, potentially abusive man.

What are you thinking now, OP ?

This is shouting out to me that this man wants a woman, a family, someone to "love" and he isn't so arsed about who it is. He will get upset when you don't feel it back.

I would break it off for a month and see how you feel after that.

Run!!

My niece has just got out of a similar relationship, he also pushed things along too fast .
My niece's ex hounded her with constant texts, turning up and her work and standing outside her house. So be prepared for that if you end it and please do .

Thanks for everyone's responses. The opinion of "LTB" seems quite unanimous. I haven't seen him since Sunday as he is away working this week and won't be back until the weekend which has been great as at least I have time to myself to think things through without the pressure of having to see him/make excuses not to see him etc and have some space which is what I need right now. I met up with a friend today and I chatted to her about it and her opinion was the same as on here. My overwhelming feeling about the situation is uneasiness about his controlling behaviour, the pressure he put on me to go out to meet his friends, the manipulation about whether I had agreed to go out in the first place etc. I think what I will do is I will meet up with him on Saturday and tell him exactly how I feel and see how he responds to it. Give him the benefit of the doubt in that respect. But I do have concerns and the behaviour does make me feel quite uncomfortable. I have been reading up about "The Loser" article and also about psychopaths (he is extremely charming, has a very good job, well paid, very senior etc) and it seems to fit the bill with him. I have learnt my lesson about introducing him to my DD so soon, I definitely won't do that again with any new relationship in the future.

So if you have "learnt your lesson about introducing him to your DD" why are you considering keeping him in her life ?

Run away!! It's madness he's controlling and far to involved and manipulative already! He's been in ur life a 30 days if it's been a month. That's nothing and of course he can't possibley love you- all sounds terrible I would run a mile! Sorry!

Like I said, I will give him the benefit of the doubt on Saturday and see how I feel about that. I can't change having introduced him to my DD, she won't be there on Saturday but I will make sure that if this relationship with him doesn't work out (which at the moment I'm thinking it won't) and I meet someone else in the future, I won't be so quick to introduce them to my DD.

OP, he will talk you round if you see him again.

Listen, please to Auntie Emme

Ah. You have no intention of listening to either your own instinct or our advice. Good luck with that.

Early "love you" + pressure to reciprocate = batshit crazy ex material. Speaking as someone with a batshit crazy ex.
Who did the weird friends double standards, the worming into family thing, the getting me to be mum/maid.

Could be the same loser from your post.

Run. Run for the hills.

Why are you going to give him the benefit of the doubt?

Why do you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, OP? What are you afraid will happen if you just dump him?

You don't need to listen to us, of course you don't. But even your RL friend is telling you to get out... You've only known the guy for a matter of weeks, why do you already feel so obligated to him that think you need to give him another chance?

Look at your posts - you feel 'uneasy', 'uncomfortable', 'pressured', 'put out'. Do you think that those are the kind of feelings you deserve? After a month?

Is he really, really worth the hassle?

You know enough to withdraw any benefit of any doubt. You're being a fool, to be perfectly honest. Sleepwalking into a relationship disaster.

Oh dear. There is a bunting of red flags. I think giving him a second chance is completely completely the wrong decision.

There is no way this is a great guy.

This is what is going to happen on Saturday. They follow a script, they all do.

He's going to start with the disbelieving laugh. Then he's going to act all confused and drippy, and a bit hurt. Not hugely upset, since your alarm bells are already ringing, just a hint of "I'm pretending not to be upset but actually I am a little hurt that you would think badly of me/that I've upset you with my genuine, heartfelt actions"

He will reassure you that he isn't meaning to rush things, that he just got carried away, that he is excited. He's never met anyone who has made him feel like this before. He wouldn't normally do this - in fact he's been a bit worried about rushing in too soon with your DD and everything, but it feels right. He might allude to some traumatic experience he's had in the past which makes him want/need to act so quickly. But of course (he will say, possibly with an air of "because I'm such an unusually reasonable person") you can have some space if you need some.

Then the guilt trip - he will mention things, offhand, like things he's bought you/given you/done for you - if you act sorry or try to give it back/apologise he will refuse and possibly be offended.

He'll be "off" with you for the rest of the visit, but if you question this he will deny it and say something else from the "reassuring" list or change the subject. He might even cut it short, with a really genuine sounding excuse.

After your meeting he will hold back until that evening and then the text messages will start. These will follow the same pattern - confusion with slight hint of hurt, smooth reassurance, guilt trip, punishment.

If you concede at any point and tell him not to worry, you were being silly, he might stop the script and go back to being his normal self. Or he might continue it just in case you have doubts.

Wait and see. But I am 95% sure he will do this and that's a big assumption to make on the back of an internet post about someone I've never met. Still. 95%.