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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really confused about feelings toward new relationship

106 replies

pinkladybirdpurse · 12/05/2014 23:07

I am in the midst of a bit of a whirlwind romance with a guy I met a month ago.

We met on a night out (rare for me as I am a single mum to a young DD) and hit it off straight away - great chemistry, instant attraction, loads in common etc. We have spent a lot of time together, pretty much all our spare time - he will often come over to mine after work and spend weekends together. He has already met my DD, he is great with her.

The thing is, he is very full on. He is very charming, has already told me he loves me, wants a family with me, has even bought a car seat for me DD so we can go on trips together in his car (I don't drive), starting leaving things at my house like toothbrushes, toiletries (he did this within a few days). I do really like him but don't think that I could honestly say that I love him as it is too soon but feel pressure when he tells me he loves me. I also don't really believe him when he says he loves me as he doesn't know me that well in the time we have known each other.

I took part in quite a big sporting event just over a week ago - it took a lot out of me, I was exhausted. He wanted me to go out and meet his friends later that evening and I explained I was too shattered and said that I would prefer just to spend the night alone at my home. He got very upset, accusing me of blowing hot and cold and implied that I should make more effort to meet his friends. I remember him suggesting the evening out with his friends and I said then that I would have to play it by ear as I didn't know how I would feel after my event but he worded it on the day as though it was definitely going ahead. Also immediately after the event when we got to his all I wanted to do was collapse and relax but he asked me to help him with clearing up around the kitchen. I was a bit put out by this. Its not like it is my kitchen or my mess. Another occasion I explained I have a long standing plan to meet up with a friend on a Sunday in a few weeks time (this was arranged before I met him) and he said why would I want to meet with my friend when we should spend time together.

I feel really in two heads about this. I do really like him, he is really nice (sometimes I think he might be too nice, too good to be true) and am waiting for the "but" to appear. But I have also been burnt lots of times and am second guessing myself - am I just self destructing and pushing away a really nice guy... I have told him repeatedly that I want to take things slower but he still keeps coming out with these lines about how much he wants me etc.

I suppose I am worried about making the wrong decision either way, either that I dump him and he turns out to have been a great partner or stay with him and he turns into a control freak.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly received!

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/05/2014 21:24

Sadly second chances are not a good strategy with these people.

The risk is too great for you and your DD.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/05/2014 21:26

He sounds awful - get rid. Surely you'd be better off just dumping him now over the phone, while he's away? It'd give him time to come to terms with it, so he's hopefully less likely to kick off when he gets back and for you to put strategies in place for when he comes begging you to have him back, which he will.

emmelinelucas · 13/05/2014 21:28

Bertie - an excellent post.

squizita · 13/05/2014 21:34

Bertie my crazy ex would whisper "love you" so quietly I couldn't quite hear. When asked why, he'd say he had to say it, but because it upset me and I wouldn't say it back he whispered it (well, after theatrically saying "oh nothing" a couple of times).

I agree with your 95%. My crazy ex's party trick might be one of the 5% left over.

flightywoman · 13/05/2014 21:55

I read your post with a clanging NO in my head as it went along. And I speak as someone who had a whirlwind romance with a great guy. And he really IS a great guy. Also, I now see why my friends were so worried about the speed with which everything happened.

BUT, he never pressured me or made me feel uncomfortable or thought that his feelings took precedence over mine. I didn't feel rushed or anything like it though we did move ridiculously quickly. And he didn't say the things that gave me the fear.

As a counterpoint, someone I know met a man and was engaged within 10 days. Totally swept off her feet. He stalked her every move. She could barely go to the loo on her own - he went sick from work so he could be at her side every minute of every single fucking day. He tried to alienate her adult children, and wanted to move to a remote farmhouse. She didn't drive, she would have been completely isolated. He ripped the phone out. He pushed her down the stairs. He blacked her eye.

In the end her kids took a gamble and used emotional blackmail saying she had to choose him or them. And she chucked him out.

The whole thing lasted 4 months, by which time that woman had been fleeced of all her savings, beaten and had her spirit crushed.

She's a truly amazing person, she's my favourite woman in the world.

She's my mum.

Do not let this man ever have to tell the same story to anyone else about you.

flightywoman · 13/05/2014 21:56

Do not let this man mean that your daughter ever has to tell the same story to anyone else about you

DoctorTwo · 13/05/2014 21:59

Bertie is as usual spot on. Iron Maiden have it down right with their song Run To The Hills. You should do the same.

Sassy777 · 13/05/2014 22:26

Flightywoman how awful. Your post actually made me cry.

Op I agree with all the others. I know you don't want to believe that this could be the start of an abusive relationship but it really doesn't sound healthy at all. This man has no respect for you. Get rid. I'm worried about you seeing him on Saturday now.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/05/2014 22:41

OP, don't even think about giving this man the benefit of the doubt! Why are you even thinking about doing that?! Run, run, run!!!

BadgersNadgers · 13/05/2014 22:41

Run like the fucking wind.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 13/05/2014 22:46

You're giving him the benefit of the doubt?

What doubt is that exactly then?

MyDHhasnomemory · 13/05/2014 22:49

You don't own him anything. Listen to your instincts. You already are ... but you seem scared to act on them. You don't have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think you are just prolonging the situation. Good luck.

JustAQuickQuestionPlease · 13/05/2014 22:49

OP, you've only known him a month?

He's not going to turn into a controlling man; he is one already. That's what he's been doing. He's duped you into thinking he loves you and cares for you. He doesn't. Read the other posts; this man will make you very, very unhappy. Get rid of him now while it's still possible.

Springheeled · 13/05/2014 22:59

Seriously, OP if you meet him on Saturday or any time soon you're fucked! He's a head twister. It's great to be caught in a whirlwind, wanted, to feel a connection but that can be intensity, not love. Intensity- ie the prime tactic of a manipulator. And the blowing hot and cold? That's projection. Wait and see how cold he'll blow when he punishes you for some slight or non-compliance in the future...
Been there, done that, got the t shirt. Only just survived with sanity intact.

Springheeled · 13/05/2014 23:01

Ps I am sure there is a book about how instinct and fear protect us, someone wise here will know what it's called. If your instincts are troubling you, listen to them.

Do NOT meet him again, he can't be fixed, sweet talked or made to see your point of view. He will never understand that you're tired, busy or have aspects of your personality and life that don't revolve around him.

MyDHhasnomemory · 13/05/2014 23:08

Sorry, my post should say You don't owe him anything.

Can I ask, as he is working away this week, is he sending lots of text messages, phoning? How does he react if you don't respond?

I really think the fact that you have enjoyed this break from him is a sure sign it is not healthy.

Springheeled · 13/05/2014 23:15

Found the book! De Becker - the gift of fear. Your instincts tell you his behaviour is off- that's all you need to know.

tumbletumble · 14/05/2014 08:32

OP, I'm honestly not a LTB poster.

But in this case I have to ask - why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt? He has proved by his actions that he's not the right guy for you. What can he say that will change that? Why give him the opportunity to persuade you otherwise?

You don't owe him anything. Just finish it now and don't take the risk.

YouAreMyRain · 14/05/2014 10:54

I had the misfortune of meeting a similar man a couple of years ago. He was very full on, he would ask me to make small decisions (like where to sit in the cinema etc) and then subtly challenge/undermine me by overriding my choices.

The sooner you end it (and mean it!) the better. The more he "invests" in you, the more he will cling to you.

He does not sound like a nice character. At all.

lubeybooby · 14/05/2014 11:01

No no no no no

no no no no no no no

no no no no RUN

that was a helpful haiku about this relationship.

that is NOT how it's meant to be. read one of the red flags threads and become fully enlightened, and quickly. and listen to everyone here.

someone who loves you acts in an understanding, kind and compassionate way even if they are tired, grumpy, had something arranged, even if you did something actually offensive to them. the way he behaved over such a tiny thing when you were feeling done in is just wrong on a thousand levels, and if he acts like this in the early lovey dovey days while meant to be trying to impress you then imagine how many eggshells you'll be stepping on in a year to avoid him blowing up or giving the silent treatment.

bibliomania · 14/05/2014 11:18

I think springheeled means a book called "The Gift of Fear".

Women and girls are socialised to be fair and kind and give the benefit of the doubt (not saying every female is those things and men aren't, just saying it's a big part of what we're told to be). All good qualities, but sometimes they work against us.

So what would happen if you were unfair to him, if he's really an okay person, but you didn't give him the benefit of the doubt? Would his life be ruined? Maybe a potentially good relationship won't happen, but ultimately he won't be harmed that much. You've haven't known each other long, he's a big boy and will be fine.

Whereas if you give him the benefit of the doubt and you're wrong, a huge amount of harm could happen to you and your dd.

On a simple cost:benefit analysis, you minimise the risk of harm by cutting him off now. And especially as a lp to a small child, you owe it to her to take a riske-averse approach.

(Oh, and for what it's worth, I don't think he is okay at all. He's already trying to ride roughshod over you a month after meeting you).

flatbellyfella · 14/05/2014 11:20

Like everyone else has said, way too many red flags here.

GrassIsSinging · 14/05/2014 11:31

Agree with others. This man isn't 'nice'.

Your boundaries are also really worrying. This relationship has moved far, far too quickly to be healthy. That alone is a huge red flag. Added to that:

He is already (so quickly!) issuing opinions on who you can and cant see and using emotional blackmail when he doesnt get his own way

He pushing his way in to your life - the carseat, the toothbrush - which shows a real lack of appropriate boundaries and respect for your life

He is telling you he 'loves' you when he doesnt even know you. At best this shows emotional immaturity. It could very well mean much worse.

He doesn't respect the fact that you want to slow things down.

And within ONE month you:

  • are spending all your free time with him.
  • have introduced him to your child and allowed him into her life on a regular basis, despite really not knowing him at all
  • are ignoring all red flags and giving him the 'benefit of the doubt', despite all of the above staring you in the face.

Why? What other information do you need? This is not the start of a healthy, happy relationship for you or a good set-up for your DD.

Please, please reconsider.

Thanksforthat · 14/05/2014 13:33

I had to de-lurk and change passwords to log on here. This thread just rang so many bells for me. Especially the car-seat thing.
Run for all the reasons mentioned but be gauranteed he won't be shifted without a crow-bar effort and even though it's only a month you're going to feel a massive hangover after this. You'd be surprised how addicted we get to the closeness/intensity.

Just for perspective. I've been seeing somebody new for over 2 months. He certainly hasn't met my DD. i haven't spent the night with him or had sex (personal choice - no judgement here at all)

We still make dates two to three days in advance. so no real intertwining of lives just yet. If he just popped into my house I'd be highly affronted. We are dating. That is all!!

Why the caution - because i got caught up with an intense abuser before. He's my DD father. He asked me on first date if i wanted kids!!! Instead of running for hills I jumped for joy.

And now I watch while he does this to each new girlfriend. Recently he told me he wants our DD to learn Swedish because his NEW GF is Swedish and when they have kids together he doesn't want our DD to feel left out. WTF!!!!

he does it over and over again to women. He's insane!

he's a really high earner. Nice car etc. But WOW he hasn't a penny. He takes loans out when he meets somebody new so he can "invest" as he calls it. Then they find out that he's just a shell but at that stage he's moved in their house and is using them to tide him over his "temporary financial crisis"

i hope you come back after weekend to chat here. Even if you do stay with him please keep talking here. And remember listen to that uncomfortable feeling you have the pit of your stomach. It's your instinct screaming at you.

PlantsAndFlowers · 14/05/2014 13:42

The benefit of the doubt only works where there is doubt. I don't see doubt here, I see you wishing there were doubt.