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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dear STBXH

973 replies

WellWhoKnew · 10/05/2014 22:44

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/09/2014 18:20

My client accidentally removed your client's bike. He mistook it for his own. Karen! That big fat toad has a Bike ? Fucking hell, does he ever ride it? Grin He is showing himself up big time isn't he? With his ridiculous demands, his miserly attitude, his unbelievably patronising view of his own wife and her lack of understanding of what certain words mean… He will be so furious when he gets what's coming to him

Glad your Friday night is sorted WWK Wine Thanks Wine

WellWhoKnew · 05/09/2014 18:24

paaswords! God I need to learn to type better.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/09/2014 18:24

And in other news: No holiday til this is over. Sad Yes, but when it is over, any holiday you do have will feel like the best holiday of your life!

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/09/2014 19:05

Fantastic this is why I was so Confused Grin

Not for the life of him could he have mistaken my bike for his own that he does not use anyway. I mean how could he have pushed it out of the garage without noticing? He has still not returned it. As a "joke", he dumped a junk bike in front of the house one night.

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/09/2014 19:07

WWK take it easy on the Wine Grin

aylesburyduck · 06/09/2014 09:36

Come on WWK What gems does Form E contain?

Hope it has made you snort in incredulity rather than sob at his bastardliness.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/09/2014 11:38

I once found my nearly-new trainers covered in mud, I mean practically invisible under the mud, under the bed. I had a bit of a word with XH about using my shoes in the garden, let alone not even attempting to clean them. He said he thought they were his. His trainers were (or used to be) white and scruffy. Mine were black and shiny and two sizes bigger (I have long feet and he has tiny ones). He has never owned black trainers. He also used to nick my socks, which again were quite different from his, and somehow cause holes in the heels and toes in a single wearing (which admittedly for him was about a week).

I can't believe I used to believe he didn't do this sort of thing on purpose.

Bogeyface · 06/09/2014 11:42

I can't believe I used to believe he didn't do this sort of thing on purpose.

I can. Because they dont believe that they are doing it on purpose, so they are utterly convincing when they say that to you. Thats whats so crazy making about people like this, when called on it they say "What?! I didnt do it on purpose!!" and they genuinely believe that they didnt, they convince themselves that these "accidents" are just that, because otherwise they have to admit that they are complete fruit loops who would go to extreme ends to make your life harder. Who wants to be that person?

getthefeckouttahere · 06/09/2014 14:48

Solicitors will advise clients about the course of action which they believe is in the clients best interests given the facts as known. They will make copious notes about the facts and the advice given. (this is in case they are later sued for bad advice, or have to account in court for their advice which is more common in criminal cases than civil matters).

If their client makes clear that they will not adhere to this advice they will make extremely thorough and copious records of everything (all chargeable of course) and who could blame them?

Purely on a human level if the client proves themselves to be a twat of the highest order they will generally ensure that every single thing they can think of goes onto the bill, (believe it or not they can be pretty lax about billing for stuff if they really like you) Oh and they will almost certainly impose a strict policy of settling your bill monthly if you are a total knob as they can foresee how difficult it will be to get the money out of you at a later date!

I suspect your STBXH is racking up a huge bill with his shenanigans.

WellWhoKnew · 06/09/2014 15:14

I suspect your STBXH is racking up a huge bill with his shenanigans.

Yes, and I'm the one paying it!!!

Suddenly, now he's got his own, he's gone all quiet...

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 07/09/2014 07:41

Loving your letters. You should write a support manual once this is all over.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/09/2014 08:14

Ah, Bogey, you've nailed it there for sure.

WellWhoKnew · 07/09/2014 14:23

Dear STBXH

I have finally faced your Form E - I note the absence of a signature.

I note you've been spending quite a bit on jewellery.
I note your romantic holiday in Italy.
I note you've stopped your salary going into your current account since you decided you wanted a divorce. Where is it going now?
I note our quickie divorce cost 500 pounds and you haven't got your money back.
I note you failed to mention one of your pensions.
I note you failed to mention the value of the large pension stating 'awaiting information'
I note you have failed to provide information on your credit card transactions.
I note that you have been lying about your earnings for quite some time. You were earning double what you told me.
I note you have disclosed a bank account that I didn't know you had.
I note that your spending habits have radically changed in recent months, and you don't seem to be spending very much anymore.

And this is just at first glance.

Still, you haven't signed it, so there you go: you really think you are cleverer than the law.

I don't agree.

Wife, rather looking forward to my SHL's view this week.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 07/09/2014 14:44

PS STBXH: Oh, and things you've bought, that I still have receipts for, aren't showing in any of your accounts.

Isn't that interesting?

It's like you have a whole other life that I don't know about.

Only, I do now, don't I?

OP posts:
Karenthetoadslayer · 07/09/2014 17:00

GDASS have always reminded me that my ex may have had a double life and to be prepared for this.

Toad just took loads of cash out in the last 10 months to hide his expenses. But of course he has done this before, so he knew Form E was lurking round the corner.

Hope you are ok WWK, Flowers. Have a glass of Wine

FantasticButtocks · 07/09/2014 17:10

He is in deep shit Grin

Oh, and things you've bought, that I still have receipts for, aren't showing in any of your accounts.

I note you've stopped your salary going into your current account since you decided you wanted a divorce. Where is it going now?

He is astonishingly dishonest isn't he? Actively trying to hide financial stuff like this from a court must surely be contempt? wonders if he could actually go to prison

His attempts are pathetic and totally transparent.

I hope your SHL gets much mileage out of this.

WellWhoKnew · 07/09/2014 17:11

Yes, funnily enough STBXH has one previous divorce as well.

All those time when I thought things weren't adding up, but then told myself I was being silly, was me being sensible and him not adding up.

Solicitor is going to have a field day with him.

Him leaving really devastated me, I still catch myself feeling worried and sorry for him at times.

Then I have a word with myself.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadslayer · 07/09/2014 17:56

You do not need to be reminded to be completely merciless in your questionnaire, I am sure and ask about every little detail that doesn't add up or / and seems suspicious.

I even feel sorry for Toad sometimes, lonely in his hotel room and having lost his family.

You are a nice and decent person and this is why you are feeling worried about him. Does he worry about you? Have another word with yourself. Angry

WellWhoKnew · 07/09/2014 18:08

I don't need to be merciless in my questionnaire. Neither do I need to be ruthless in pursuing the financial settlement or cynically of every fact of his financial affairs.

I pay a lot of money to a SHL to do that for me Grin

No. I'll restate that: he does!

He's paid over £4000 pounds on solicitors so far... And for three lawyers.

So that clears that up doesn't it!

I'm going to go through it all with a fine-tooth comb tomorrow, and then to Sol's on Tuesday.

It's numbers not love I'll be talking to myself about from now on!

OP posts:
Karenthetoadslayer · 07/09/2014 18:26

That's an appropriate motto, I'll drink [lemsip] to that!
(That does not sound that expensive! can you not do better than that?)

WellWhoKnew · 07/09/2014 18:36

My legal fees are £6,400 so far - but he paid £3,000 of them.

I figure if he carries on this way, I may end up 'only' paying £3,400!

I hope we get the same judge as last time...he is notorious for his memory of cases - even as long as two years ago according to my SHB. Although my SHL and SHB aren't that keen on him.

1 in 3 chance.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 07/09/2014 19:22

Although my SHL and SHB aren't that keen on him. (the judge) Yeah, but he was none to keen on your STBXH, was he Grin and he has a long memory… and STBXH is digging himself a much deeper hole with his increasing lies and cover-ups. I hope you get the same judge too Grin

Karenthetoadslayer · 07/09/2014 21:07

Keeping fingers crossed too. I thought our judge was brilliant and we had another judge for a directions hearing who made a huge fuss about not being able to pronounce my name and in the end gave up and just called me "the applicant" but of course was able to pronounce Toad's name. He was very annoying about that. I just copied the bright smile of my WA support worker.

The first judge even remembered the DCs names and asked Toad if he had thought of arrangements regarding the DCs - Toad hadn't. The DCs had not crossed his mind.

It shouldn't really matter and I was naïve for assuming that it really didn't matter, but apparently it is very important. Confused

WellWhoKnew · 07/09/2014 22:03

Dear STBXH,

I know I shouldn't be surprised by the emergence of the OW at all but it's a bit naff really, isn't it? What with you being a walking talking cliche of a middle aged man.

I see you are so head over heals in love that you've decided that once your contract has finished, you'll be remaining there and require rental property.

She does sound very expensive, I must say looking at your expenditure. Looking at the marital assets in the cold light of day, she is shockingly more expensive than I realised: we have lost an incredible amount of money from collapsing the business we were building up, you are about to lose 50% of fifteen years of your financial investments.

And these are the ones you have disclosed - there's more to come.

And I was worried about how I was going to cope financially post-divorce, it now transpires I don't have to. I'm going to be okay. I'm lucky in that respect. So in some ways, today comes as a pleasant surprise. I haven't quite 'won the lottery' but I have won something much more valuable.

A life free of fuckwittery.

But what about her? What happens if your contract does in fact run out and you become a stay at home husband? After all, it never bothered me - I never even minded paying the child maintenance for your first child. Being a decent human being comes naturally to me.

I wonder if she'll just view you the way you've viewed me - that you're just a drain on the finances and she can do so much better. I wonder, you know, when the honeymoon period ends, what kind of 'prize' she'll really see you as.

I'm such an old hand at MN, that I knew you expected me to 'fight' for you. Only, you've become a pitiful excuse of a man, there wasn't much to fight for really. You chose to leave. I wasn't going to make that difficult for you. Now, you're truly furious that I'm making it 'difficult' for you to leave the marriage. You can't have it both ways: you could have chosen to stay.

But you made your choices. I just have to live with them. So do you. So does she.

That's why you're being such a dick I suppose, because if your job goes tits up, and you've got to depend on someone: you've got a very expensive partner to keep happy. Our acquaintance was wrong: It is she that has cost you a fortune, it transpires. Not me.

I may be bargain basement by comparison - but only in your eyes. One day, you may miss my lack of materialism. One day, you may actually, remember that it didn't take much to make me happy. One day, you may look back and miss my intelligence and ability to communicate.

But I will still be lacking in materialism, still not need much to be happy and still have my intelligence and ability to communicate.

This year has been tremendously sad but that's because of you. Within a year, you'll no longer be connected to me in anyway (well possibly via periodical payments if they aren't capitalised, which I think I might want after all), and I'll be happy again.

I would never have you back because, quite frankly, you'd only be after me for my money.

Ironically not yours.

Wife.

OP posts:
aylesburyduck · 07/09/2014 22:21

What an absolute fuckwitting shite arse he is!

You on the the other hand are the complete polar opposite. I sincerely hope you get the same judge and I hope he gets crabs