Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

There's time yet, Karen...but true justice would be him living in a caravan .

Not that I'm vindictive - merely sacked and with too much time on my hands that a little fantasy can only raise my mood.

I can't move onto the future until the present is sorted out. The present is the shit he's left me to deal with. I'm dealing with it as and when I feel able to. I have no problem admitting that some days, it's hard to deal.

The court controls the timeframe. Not him.

The law dictates my entitlements, including where and how I live.

I decree my future.

He can just fuck off.

WWK, some days it is hard to deal with but you are dealing with it admirably as well as supporting others around you.

I am liking the idea of him in the caravan though!

Ebearhug, I suspect not.

WWK, there's a caravan in a field near me which is empty, it looks a little bit rickety but it's still in one piece, STBXH won't need curtains because the windows are obliterated with green mould, and it might whiff a little bit of Eau de Cow.

Might it be suitable for STBXH?

Does it have room service?

no but there's a trouser press in the corner and some sachets of coffee next to limescaled kettle - will that do?

The field in which said caravan is located is full of bullshit, much like your STBXH WWK...

Problem with your idea Aylesbury is the fucker will buy it for me and then twat me with a load of emails for not being grateful.

Assuming that past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour!

"Dear STBXH, thank you for buying me the dead caravan and field. We had a lovely bonfire and barbecue and the caravan is no more. This has left the way open for me to lease the field to the local farmer for his prize bull. Yours, laughing all the way to the bank. WWK"

Again, great idea Jux but the problem is:

He'll go and order the court to "freezing" of the field as a marital asset, threaten to sue me for careless criminal damage of caravan, costs of Anti-Bull Non-Molestation Order, and attempting to embezzle an income stream.

Assuming that past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour!!

Oooh he's a slime ball! (being polite as is early ish on a Sunday morning)

you are doing fabulously.

I'm slowly dragging my sorry ass through this divorce and into beyond.

Beyond had better be fucking amazing or I'm suing the world - litigious cow that I am!

Beyond is what you make it.

And I have a feeling you'll make it seriously fucking amazing.

As a lurking supporter.

No wwk HE is dragging HIS sorry ass through this divorce. YOU are striding triumphantly through the Halls of Justice alongside your SHL.

Beyond will be beyond your imaginings. I was in my 20s building my career and finances and my ex threatened to sue me for support. I was truly worried about it but my lawyer snorted coffee out his nose at that one from laughing. Much posturing and threatening later, the buttwad didn't even bother to show up for court. A few questions from the judge, a few rubber stamps on papers, and I was a free woman. It's been 35 years and life has been a wonderful journey of love, tears, and happiness.

I truly hope you're right. I'm so over crying everyday - but I met up with a very good friend this evening, who does know the full story, not the abridged MN story, and I still couldn't stop myself crying. She needs my friendship not my woe is me!

I am so done with crying. I fucking hate what he chose to do, and the adverse affects it has on my life. I fucking hate having to resolve the endless problems his departure has caused.

I do not want to be a bitter woman. I want to be the woman I was four months ago: happy, optimistic, confident, daring, strong.

I fucking hate him for having a double life.

My provisional divorce date is a big birthday date. What a fucker. He even controls that.

And what I hate the most: is that I have hate in my life.

I don't know whether I wish him dead, want to kill him, or want him to live so that I can outperform him.

In the interim - I'll take his money!

ME TOO - over a year on!
I hang on to the reports from Mumsnetters that things will seem better sometime from now.
I had a good day yesterday and a bad one today.
I tell myself if my husband had been killed when things seemed good it would not be unrealistic to still be grieving. Our husbands as we thought they were have died.
I should be full of joy, I have my healthy kids, money for a small house and a loving family. My friends were left behind when I escaped. But I am so very lucky and do not have to share the children with him so what is wrong with me?
KOKO you are not alone.

WWK Thank you for this thread. I am just starting my journey.....another statistic, another abandoned-out-of-the-blue wife. Hey-Ho. KOKO, right? I do hope he gets ground into the ground and you can be proud of yourself, as you were as a wife, how you handled yourself during all this, and how you have rebuilt yourself and will be thriving after this is all done.

Your friend is happy to take your 'woe is me' along with your friendship. It's what friends do for each other. God knows my friends have sat holding me whilst I sobbed it all out at times. As I have done for them.

I'm not a 'bible-thumper' but I always remember the verse that goes "Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning". Or as one of my old professors would tell us during difficult course work "When you're standing shoulder deep in horse shit, just remember that there's a pony in there somewhere. So just keep digging for that pony!".

The sun will rise. You'll find your pony. And all he will be left with is darkness and horse shit.

Startinoveronmyway - so sorry to read that, love. Have you started up a thread, or you can PM if you want to 'talk' more privately.

It's a shocker of a thing to deal with. Don't think for one minute I've serenely waltzed my way through the last near on four months - I can assure you I've not been pretty or dignified or strong or calm or rational.

Mostly just bewildered, snotty, sweary, angry, sad, fucked off and frustrated! Oh, did I say teary? That too.

So if you're an improvement on that - you're doing well. If you're about the same - you're doing well. If you're worse - you're still doing well.

However, the divorce is something else - so if you haven't already, the first person you need to blub to is a solicitor. If solicitors in your area do free half hour consultations, take full advantage to visit someone who you want to work with (even if you opt to mostly do a DIY divorce, the advice of a solicitor should be taken at key points). I found it very useful in reducing the panic and anxiety of 'how the hell am I going to cope practically' in the short term.

Don't do what my STBXH has done and go with one who doesn't particularly specialise in family law. (Hey STBXH: who'd have thought you'd be so influential to women eh!)

Some books to help you through the first few very rough weeks:

Detach and Survive
Runaway Husbands
Family Law Made Simple

And finally consider going 'No Contact' for a while at least - but tell the bloody world what's happened. People are amazing. Your STBXH is sub-human, 'tis all.

KOKO Start. You have my complete sympathy.

Busy with Dcs WWK and I have not got much to say this evening, but stay strong. x

There will probably always be some bitterness, especially about wasted time and opportunities and god knows when this is going to fade.

My counsellor advised me to allocate time to things like that, which sometimes works, like "I am not feeling worried/bitter now. The time slot for feeling worried/bitter is at 6:00pm".

But any time is good to spend his money .

I wonder whether the solicitors have started, with horror, to find out quite what they have taken on at their fixed-fee, no electronic communication office!

Dear STBXH,

Communication is the buzzword right now.

If we could have communicated more effectively, we wouldn't be in this mess. That, I think, is something we can both agree on.

It's just that this year, communication has resulted in my pretty little head taking on bite marks. It hurt and it caused me to keep stumm.

If I pointed out to you that I thought you were being unfair, our communication could be vociferous. And the hurt was inside our heads.

Perhaps if I could have stood back and really explored what was wrong, I could have understood the thoughts in your bullish head. In fact, I take that back - I did ask.

I got lied to.

Perhaps if I said 'I love you' more, you wouldn't have left. Perhaps if I spoke with a different accent, you wouldn't have left.

Whatever.

As it is you've left. You didn't particularly communicate that intention very well either. So the failure of our marriage is as much yours and it is mine.

Whatever bullshit your divorce papers say.

Anyway, clearly my mind is still on communication.

You're still slow at understanding non-verbal communication though. You know how I don't reply to your emails, not that you've written any lately, means that you've resorted to communicating with your family to compel them to communicate with me in order to sort out the sorry mess you've put yourself in.

It ain't going to help you sort out the sorry mess you've put yourself in.

I'm still too busy sorting out the sorry mess you've put me in.

Today our solicitors are communicating to extrapolate us from the sorry mess that we are in, given we are at the Day of Form E exchange.

Our solicitors will continue to communicated on our behalf until you realise the I, the unreasonable one, remains typically unreasonable.

I rather suspect I shall be feeling very unreasonable in the coming days as I have to deal with, what I suspect, is more of your bullshit.

Your garrulous wife.

Well - how are you handling the communication from his family ? Must be tough.

I dont know much about form E but let us know how it goes

KOKO x