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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

509 replies

MissPennySweet · 10/05/2014 09:22

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

OP posts:
gregsageek · 11/05/2014 01:10

Well done. Can you try and sleep and then call your mum in the morning? Has he tried to come back?

Original poster
MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:11

I can't sleep at all. He hasn't tried to come home

OP posts:
VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 01:11

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. Listen to me, Penny. Nothing, Your parents brought you up to know they would be there for you if you needed them (I hope). They would want you to reach out. You don't have to be too specific. But tell your mum something's happened and you need her to be with you. Tell her your relationship is over and you're really upset. She'd want to be there for you. Give her that chance.

You'll feel better if you reach out to people who care about you in real life. I swear you will. It feels incredibly exposing because you are in so much pain. But this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is HIS fault. You couldn't have done anything to prevent this. This happens hundred of times a year on this forum (alas, not saying you're not individual!) and it is always because of weak, cheating men taking advantage of compassionate, kind women who have been wondering what they've been doing wrong in their relationship. it is SHAMEFUL. and it is NOT YOUR SHAME.

It's okay, Penny. Stay strong. You are going to be okay. Remember your anger at him. And that there are people out there who love you.

Loggins · 11/05/2014 01:12

Embarrassed? What the hell for?
Call your Mum in the morning and tell her, she will want to help you won't she?

Is he supposed to be back tonight?

nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:12

Well you can tell her tomorrow when she is with you and can give you a hug. It's lovely that she can come to see you. Your mum knows you well and that you have integrity. She will help you. You need someone right now in real life. Try to sleep or keep posting here. Lots of people here to help overnight. Take care.

LBZT · 11/05/2014 01:12

Don't worry Penny you can use MN tonight there are always people around who also can't sleep.

gregsageek · 11/05/2014 01:12

OK. Can you watch some mindless TV to get you through? Just think in the morning you will be with your mum. You are doing really well.

VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 01:12

She's already had the locks changed!

high fives everyone in the vicinity

Original poster
MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:13

He understood me so much, I will never ever find that again

OP posts:
Original poster
MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:14

I have no idea how I will get through tomorrow. My mum can't get up until the afternoon now - don't know how I will make it til then

OP posts:
gregsageek · 11/05/2014 01:15

Yes you will. You are 27. Honestly, you will look back and be so glad you got out of this. FGS, he is 30 and she is 18, he is a pathetic cliche.

nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:15

He DIDN'T understand you AT ALL Penny. If he did, he wouldn't have done what he did. I am so proud of you changing the locks already - you mean business. Embrace your mum tomorrow and tell her what you feel up to telling her. You are a lot stronger than you think.

VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 01:16

It feels that way now.

But it really isn't so.

He took you away from where you lived, he became your sole source of support and emotional connection, AND he betrayed that by having an affair and leaving you alone to dote on him while he lied and went out with his mates leaving you at home waiting for him.

Of course it feels like only he 'understood' you. Who else did you have?!

And you won't ever find 'that' again. And it'll be brilliant.

Loggins · 11/05/2014 01:17

X posts with loads, poxy phone. Well done for sorting the locks. I would tx him to say just this - locks changed, you know why. Belongings will be outside at 11am.

nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:17

If you can't sleep - call the Samaritans. They have helped me a lot during long sleepless times.

bumbleymummy · 11/05/2014 01:18

I just read this and I was so sorry to see there was an OW. I was really hoping that wasn't the case. :( I'm glad your mum is coming up and that you have changed the locks. Was he supposed to be coming home tonight? Is there potentially going to be a row when he realises he can't get in or does he know you know? Just worrying about you being on your own of he comes home and finds out he can't get in.

VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 01:19

you'll make it. think about a place you can go, somewhere that might inspire you or comfort you. If there isn't anywhere like that, curl up at home, that's okay. Just be kind to yourself. And don't shut other people out. Just him.

gregsageek · 11/05/2014 01:19

Penny, I can guarantee, as can most of the other ladies here, that you will be so much happier in a relatively short while, than you would have been if you never found out about this and carried on with this dumb fool. But that is not for tonight. Tonight, you need to try to get through however works for you. I so feel for you.

Original poster
MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:20

I just need to try and get through the next 16 hours and I don't know how

OP posts:
nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:22

Keep posting here if you can't sleep. Get some bin bags and pack up his crap. Try to watch a movie - you may not watch or hear anything but it's background noise.

LBZT · 11/05/2014 01:23

break it down focus on half an hour at a time
what are you going to do for the next 30 minutes how about make a drink and search for some crap on TV for background noise

nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:23

Penny do you want me to call you?

gregsageek · 11/05/2014 01:24

Agree - do you feel you need to sit (movie) or move around (pack up his stuff)? You do NOT deserve this.

nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:24

oops sorry that should have been a message.

VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 01:26

if you just want to distract yourself try watching comforting telly, something inane that feels like a background, sitcoms are good.

Remember to breathe. If you find yourself getting super anxious lie down or sit down and breathe in and our slowly, try and focus on the breathing, think about each breath in and out, and making them as deep and satisfying as possible.

If you cannot do anything but focus on this, write here to us about your fears, hopes, experiences and pain. You don't even have to post it, but just typing it in is a way of engaging.

Don't give up. You can do this.