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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

509 replies

MissPennySweet · 10/05/2014 09:22

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

OP posts:
Caramelle · 10/05/2014 21:57

I've just read the entire thread and I literally gasped when I got to your post about the OW. I am so so sorry. The good thing is that you are sounding very determined. I agree, don't leave your house, put his things outside and get an emergency locksmith asap.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 10/05/2014 22:01

If he starts anything or gives you any trouble just tell him you will forward a copy of his emails to friends and his family (even though you have no intention of doing this)
If he gives you trouble about accessing his work emails.. l am sure his work will be interested in the inappropriate usage of their email system

WellWhoKnew · 10/05/2014 22:02

Get yourself down to a solicitor but it doesn't have to be Monday - do your research, get a good 'un who is firmly on your side. Perhaps ask around on MN for good solicitors in your area.

As mine says 'every case is different' so you can't be certain that you'll have to buy him out of the house. My husband walked out ten days ago. It sucks to be us right now. However, having seen a solicitor I learnt:

The length of time you've been in a committed relationship not just married can be factored in (she cited a Mostyn judge/case?)
Also, having given up your career will be a factor (I did four years ago).
Also, your earnings v. his earnings.
What he brought to the marriage v. what you did.
The costs of you rebuilding your life, v. the cost of him carrying on with his life.

It is assumed that both parties will be financially disadvantaged by divorcing, but it is not assumed that you have to have a massive imbalance in who it costs and how. The starting point is 50/50 but rarely are assets divided that way.

Also, guilt and the need for speed to end the marriage, means sometimes people give away more than legally necessity.

Sorry, love it really is a horrible time, I know. I panicked for a week until I could see a solicitor but it has helped me process what I'm dealing with right now. I'm not so afraid, just managing the hurt. Even if he came crawling back, I'd kick his sorry ass to touch. Jonny Wilkinson style. Ask me that a week ago, I'd have taken him back no questions asked.

Also get yourself a counsellor - just to talk to.

Putting my patronising head on: You're only 27 this is one of those lifetime learning experiences. I'm 42. My mother was 52 when she divorced. She's very happy now.

teaandthorazine · 10/05/2014 22:13

What an absolute wanker. Am really sorry OP.

You will be ok. It will hurt like fuck but you will absolutely be ok without this revolting, lying leech of a 'man'.

Stay strong, we will be here. I agree that texting him and letting him know that he isn't welcome in the house tonight would be the best move.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 10/05/2014 22:21

I was hoping against hope we were wrong about OW. Shit! Sorry Penny. Wishing you courage and hope you can get through tonight. Wish you had someone with you. :(

Only1scoop · 10/05/2014 22:21

Op hope you have spoken to your mum and got some RL support going on.

MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 00:09

This hurts too fucking much, my heart is breaking.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 11/05/2014 00:10

What a horrible horrible person. On the positive side, at least you know he's an utter loser who doesn't deserve you, what he wrote will be embedded in your mind every time you see him from now on which should ensure you will never get back with him.

What everyone has said is good advice, get legal advice, get your family and friends around you. It's ok to be sad about this, it is very sad when you put your hopes into something and someone and it turns out to be a bad hand indeed. You are young though and there's plenty of life left to be lived, but not with this [insert swear word of choice!]

Thenapoleonofcrime · 11/05/2014 00:12

I don't blame you for being devastated, I would be crying my eyes out. Is he coming back tonight? Can you text him and tell him to stay elsewhere/lock him out? I know you won't sleep much but waiting for him to come in would be terrible.

BuzzardBird · 11/05/2014 00:23

You knew this though didn't you, deep down? We will be here for you. Keep posting. You are doing everything right. He is not worth your tears. Dump his stuff on the driveway. The 18 yr old will have nothing, he is going to look such a tit. You have the upper hand. Onwards and upwards and don't look back.

Lesson learned, do not let your partner be the centre of your world.

katykat5 · 11/05/2014 00:24

So sorry to hear this OP. What a rat. You're better off without him and at least you now know what he's like so you can do something about it. Stay strong. It will all work out in the end, even though it really hurts at the moment x

Waimaz · 11/05/2014 00:41

so sorry OP. I know you are probably shell shocked, understandably! but please know, you will be ok. you are already in a good position as the house is yours. you will get through this! xx

MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 00:43

It's too hard, my heart is breaking

OP posts:
MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 00:44

I'm too sad, it's too painful

OP posts:
nespressofan · 11/05/2014 00:48

You will be sad for a while Penny, maybe a long while. I am in a similar situation. Don't post here much as I still find it painful to type my situation. It is dreadful. I can only advise that you try to sleep and try to eat something. You will eventually get angry - anger is a good tool, you will see that in time. I do wish you well I really do.

VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 00:54

You are not going to break, Penny. This is normal. Remember what I said upthread about the adrenaline wearing off? This is it. You're crashing. There'll be some part of you now wanting to crawl into a hole and forget about all this. Fight it. YOu can do this. This is going to be the most positive thing you've done. It's just really hard RIGHT NOW. This will not last, I promise. You will get through this, YOu will be happy again. But right now you need to get yourself your real life support, send an email to your mum and/or friends. Come back here. You are not going to be alone. It is this relationship that has made you alone. That time is over now. And it's time to embrace the world again. You will get through this. You can do it. Think about what you would say to a friend going through this, or what your younger self would want you to do right now. Be a friend to yourself. This guy's a lying cowardly cheating scum. You deserve so much better.

Jux · 11/05/2014 01:00

What an utter bastard. I'm so sorry.

Get as much of his financial information copied, pay slips, bank account statements etc. You probably won't need it, but better safe than sorry.

You deserve so much better. Glad your mum is coming down.

nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:01

I wish I could 'like' posts. VanderElsken speaks sense. It is shit. But by posting here you will gain strength from all the very strong women here. xxx

Loggins · 11/05/2014 01:03

Penny, you will be ok I promise you.
Have you spoken to your Mum?

MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:05

I'm too embarrassed to tell my parents

OP posts:
nespressofan · 11/05/2014 01:06

Oh. I thought your mum was coming to you tomorrow? Why should you be embarrassed? You've done nothing wrong. You have been cheated in the most ghastly way. Don't please take on board his shame.

LBZT · 11/05/2014 01:08

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, it's your H that should be ashamed and embarrassed not you. Your parents love you and they will want to be there for you, please tell them first thing.

gregsageek · 11/05/2014 01:09

Has he come home yet? Can you leave a key in the door so he can't get in?
You have done NOTHING wrong and you can get through this, and you will. One step at a time.

MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:09

She is but I haven't told her the whole story

OP posts:
MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 01:09

Have had locks changed so he can't come back

OP posts:
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