Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[MissPennySweet]

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

I am so fucking angry for you I'm actually seething. How dare her. How dare he say such horrible things about you, when he's the dirty lying cheating little bastard.

OP please come back, please please let us know you're okay. You're better than a million and one of him. You WILL get through it. You'll feel like your heart can't take anymore and like nothing will ever be right again but it will. It will! You will be happy again, we all promise you that.

I am on facebook, twitter, whatever. if you need to talk message me, message one of us. anyone you feel you have a connection to.

He sounds like an immatuer man child they deserve each other. So sorry youre in pain now but he has done you the biggest favour ever. I hope youre managing to eat.

Has anyone PMd the OP?

No Minion was thinking about it, but didn't want to hassle her.

Yes, same. I really hope she is OK though. Even for MN this guy sounds like an absolute bastard and she seems so nice.

Well, last we heard she was heart broken, alone, and drunk. I'll pm her.

If anyone else here's back, let the rest of us know. I can't get this woman off my mind and worry she's all alone and not okay.

Yes very worrying....hope you ok Op let us know if you can. We are thinking of you

I pmd her, around 10.30 this morning, no reply. :(

So horrible when this happens. Poor lady. I was really disturbed thinking about her as it was unfolding. Please let us know how you are!

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all the support, sorry I haven't been back to update yesterday. I finally told my mum and she's been very supportive, but the cheating bastard has been trying to worm his way back in, he wants to meet face to face to talk but so far I haven't had the energy to see him.

He's admitted to everything including a secret bank account in his name only that he's been getting overtime and bonus paid into :(

Don't know what to say other than I hope you are ok!!

Well love. Never run after a man. They are like buses and another one will be along before you know it.

Oh my god. Welcome back, Penny. So glad about your mum. This is CLASSIC behavior from him. Admit some truths to regain some trust from you, make you think he's relieved to be able to 'come clean' and insist on meeting face to face so that he can emotionally affect you while you're alone and vulnerable. Seriously this is so predictable. Please maintain control as much as possible, whatever it takes. Your best self knows you cannot take this man back so what will meeting him achieve? It will satisfy him and his ego that he can make demands on you still and that you are still emotionally available to him.

Ok so I shouldn't meet him? Really hard now the anger is subsiding and I'm starting to miss him....

I can't sleep at all but mumsnet is being of great help taking my mind of it all and helping me stop crying.

This is what we talked about with the much needed adrenaline you got now subsiding. Meeting him will do NO good. You KNOW you can't stay with this man and ever respect yourself again. You will bitterly regret it. So you now need to do everything it takes to hold your power and do what YOU need to get over him and this. Of course you miss him, it's natural. But you miss the man you thought he was. And you just miss SOMEONE. I bet you anything within a few dates with someone else it'll be them you're thinking of at night.

Please be strong and read back your thread to remember what he's put you through.

Every time you miss him, think of the most heartbreakingly unforgivable thing he has done. Think of the things he has said about you.

That is what I did. No matter what you think of yourself, I can guarantee that it will still bring you up short enough to stop you for long enough to regain momentary control of your resolve not to call him.

Stay strong, you're doing so well.

Op so glad you came back. Where is he staying? Did he fetch his things? Great that you have confided in your mum for support.

I can imagine him trying to worm his way back in now he has been caught. You may miss him etc.... but I can't help thinking your situation of moving away and lack of friends in the area doesn't help. He has been so cruel and disrespectful.

Have you had any legal advice re the property you own....

Please take your time....don't be pressured into meeting up with him.

Penny, glad you came back. I can only echo the advice about not meeting him 'to talk' - what will it achieve? He has been vile and deceitful from the start, nothing will have changed on that front. As you quite rightly say, all he is doing is trying to worm his way back in, and you don't have the energy for his shit.

The bank account thing is just revolting behaviour, honestly there are no words for what kind of a bastard he is.

He is not your friend now, you don't owe him anything, especially not your time and energy listening to him try to justify himself. Take support from wherever you need it - am glad your mum is in board, we are always here too rooting for you. Take care.

Hi, there, MissPenny. Just remember the reality - a secret bank account for bonuses and overtime? He has been stealing from your marriage. He needs to disclose the full amount.

So he is not just a liar and a cheat, but a thief too. Utter utter utter bastard.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Lean on your mum and rl friends and on us too. When in doubt come here and post post post!

Hope he doesn't dare try to get his dirty paws on your property ....please protect yourself. He's got a very ugly side to treat you with such disregard.
Don't put ANYTHING past him protect yourself and any assets.

So he is not just a liar and a cheat, but a thief too. Utter utter utter bastard

this!

stay strong

As you can tell, your adrenalin in subsiding.
This means that you might get a bit of sleep soon.
After weeks of no sleep I ended up at the docs to get some sleeping tablets to get my body back into some routine.
Hopefully your body will get back to it soon.

I agree with others. No need to meet up with him at all.
You are now in control. Do NOT let him take back that control. That's what he is trying to do.
Detach and ignore.
Legal advise and lean on your family and friends. They will be your saviours.
Stay strong and keep yourself well.

Penny, can I just say that if you do decide to meet up with him against the advice here -please don't feel like you can't come back for more support.

I have admittedly not been through anything as bad as what you have dealt with, but when ill my stbXH did some absolutely terrible things to me - really awful things. I kept going back - even though he was still ill and kept on doing them.

My friends and family thought I was mad and got so angry with me. Never the less I kept going back. For a few months anyway, until I reached my own snapping point and my own time.

Sometimes it takes a little while for your heart to catch up with your head and it is so, so difficult to deal with betrayal when you had no idea it was coming.

We can all be weak sometimes and when we have been hurt and at our lowest point we're so vulnerable we sort of just want to wish things away or find reasons and excuses to find a way back to the reality we one had.

In your own time you will genuinely come to see that there is honestly no hope for a future with a man capable of such deceit, betrayal, disloyalty, lies and cruelty.

In the meantime, try and stay as angry as you can. Read those emails over and over again. Use the anger to keep you away because he will only continue to lie to you and you will prolong your pain.

The best way to deal with this redoubtably is to tell him you will speak to him through the lawyers and have no contact at all. Get legal advice, and proceed with divorce. There is no hope for this relationship unless you want to sell yourself short for the rest of your life. You are only 27. Not even started life yet. Chalk this down to experience.

If you can do this, you will hurt him. He will be without a place to stay, he will be shown up in front of family and friends, he will be dealing with very real consequences to his actions. He will also look at you with a new found respect and he will want you back. Enjoy that. Enjoy letting him know that once you saw the real him you realised he was completely worthless and not good enough for you.

You will feel better and probably very quickly if you can stay away from him and hold your resolve.

Have you thought about whether you intend to stay, or whether you want to move the 200 miles back home? I urge you to NOT let him have or use your house.

Think of it this way. He wants to be sure he has his options open. If he makes you cry by crying and gets you to say "I love you too" then he has everything in front of him.

Go and see a solicitor. That doesn't mean you'll definitely divorce, but it does mean you can look at your options knowing what they entail.

You have a choice here. You can either wave goodbye to the cheating, stealing, teenager-shagging lowlife who excluded you from his social life in a strange town, left you on your own and has broken your heart, or you can tell him your self-esteem really doesn't matter, and waste the glorious years of your late 20s and early 30s with someone you'll never be sure of, before having to go through this again at some point, possibly this time with children in the mix as well.

You will have children. Have them with one of the good guys.