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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

509 replies

MissPennySweet · 10/05/2014 09:22

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

OP posts:
MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 11/05/2014 08:54

woke

BuzzardBird · 11/05/2014 09:13

Hope you are sleeping now. You sound a stronger person now than you did before you found out. You may not feel it but you are. You are so young, I cannot believe you are worrying about dcs and relationships at all. I didn't settle down until I was 39...there is a life to live before you get all domesticated. Don't rush, enjoy yourself. Move back home, see your friends, travel. The world is your oyster...you even had financial security.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 11/05/2014 09:13

Don't meet him or talk to him today. You are not ready to hear whatever shit he has to say because it will be all lies. The affair will be your fault-your failure that made him seek comfort elsewhere. Rubbish it is all his own doing,
take your time, get support and comfort from your mum. When you feel a bit stronger-and only then if you want to, you can meet him.
However in reality you never need to see his cheating face or hear lying voice again-everything can be done through solicitors.
Take today minute by minute can you phone a friend to stay will you dill your mum arrives?
You deserve so much better

Inertia · 11/05/2014 09:14

Penny you are doing so well in such horrible circumstances. You have already kicked him out and changed the locks - those are both huge steps forward.

Please tell your mum everything. Let her help you. Don't be embarrassed about your husband , be angry - or , if you can , be decisive and clinical. He did this, he should be embarrassed.

Don't speak to him this morning
He probably has nowhere to go , given that he is having an affair with someone barely into adulthood - she probably still lives with her parents, who would doubtless hit the roof at some sleazy 30yo married man on their doorstep. Don't allow him to use your house as his dosshouse.

Perhaps you could spend the morning bagging up all his stuff ?

allisgood1 · 11/05/2014 09:51

Penny, I promise you, you will get through this. You don't need him, he doesn't define you. You define you. Don't think about moving on, think about getting through the next hour, then the next. As it gets easier, start thinking about getting through to lunch time, then dinner time. Take it in small steps and stop thinking about the future as it's making you panic. Things will look much less bleak when you can see clearly. He needs to be embarrassed, not you.

Fontella · 11/05/2014 10:03

Morning Penny, I was burning the oil last night/morning and was following your thread.

I understand totally how you are feeling and I don't want to sound as if I'm underestimating how devastating this must be for you right now while it's all so raw and fresh - but you've got so much going for you, honestly you have, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

The first thing that comes through in every word you write, is that despite the turmoil you are in, you are a very capable and practical person, with a great deal of inner strength. That will help you enormously in getting through this.

You are also young - just 27, you own your house outright and you don't have any kids with this arsehole. For a lot of us, we were much older, had kids and the house/assets situation was far more complicated. And we all survived and many of us have gone on to far better lives than we had when we were with our exes.

You won't have to give him half of your house so don't worry about that. As others have said - see a solicitor asap, and as of now start writing absolutely everything down, keep a diary, and keep every bit of evidence, emails, texts, everything. Your husband is an adulterer in the eyes of the law.

As for the heartbreak aspect of this, so many of us have been where you are right now, but as the days pass, I promise you - you will soon come to see what a total twat this man really is. He's nothing but a knob on legs, who has cheated on his wife with an 18 year old. She's barely even an adult. It looks pathetic to anyone outside looking in, and that's because it is pathetic. He's pathetic ... and you'll start to see that yourself soon enough. One day, not too far up ahead you will look back and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him, even that sounds impossible right now.

If you can't eat, sweet milky drinks work a treat. I lived off hot sweetened milk for about a month after I finally kicked the fat bastard ex out. Lots of lovely warm baths too. If you are feeling anxious or agitated and can't relax, just go and lie in a nice warm bubble bath. it really does help get rid of some of the tension. I was having about six a day at one point haha!

You are going to get a lot of crap and excuses and blame and allsorts come at you, so be prepared. They are masters at twisting the truth and there's a well-worn script that gets followed. The phrase 'rollercoaster of emotions' couldn't describe it better. You will go through everything from despair to anger and back again. Remember though, that no matter what he says, none of this is your doing. None of it. Keep that in mind at all times, whatever bullshit he comes out with.

Good luck sweetheart and know we are all here for you.

Minion100 · 11/05/2014 10:09

Woke up this morning and caught up on the thread. Penny, again, I am so sorry you are going through this but I'm also bowled over by the ladies on the board. Great advice from vander.

A few thoughts.

The first is the concept of a man who is capable of allowing someone to relocate for them and then cheating on them in this way.

The second is the profile of a man of 30 who has a wife who is capable of not only fucking an 18 year old, but also badmouths his wife to the 18 year old.

Let's be upfront and remember what we were all like at 18. We're not fully developed adults. Incidentally I don't think I was at 27 either.

This affair has nothing to do with "love". It's about his cock. Genuinely, a man like that will be wanting to put his cock into diferrent women for the rest of time and a man like that isn't going to make a husband worth having.

The fact that he is kind and loving to you and said those things about you to the girl he is shagging is possibly bordering on evil. I hope you really assess how cruel and evil he is and you stay away from him and make sure you get EVERYTHING in the divorce.

He is a hideous man, and you WILL end up with someone much better. Unless you next partner is Ted Bundy or something it would be pretty hard not to.

I encourage you right now to NOT turn this onto yourself. The things he has done are awful, and few would be capable of it. This has nothing to do with you.

The best "revenge" now is going to be to:

  1. Not give him the satisfaction of seeing a single tear spill from your eyes. Be cold, clinical, sneering at what a loser he is and you save those tears fro private. Act like he is nothing to you and it will kill him.
  1. Have the happiest life. You've said so much about the life you have lost to be with him. Be brave now. Make a life for yourself that is amazing. Get happy, get strong, and make him look at you and not see the weak woman this marriage turned you into. He will kick himself.

Remember please that a man like this was a mistake. Losing him is losing nothing.

Minion100 · 11/05/2014 10:14

As a thought Penny...if you wanted to let us know the region or area of the country where you are, I know I for one would love to be there for you as some RL support going through this

NearTheWindymill · 11/05/2014 10:33

I agree with Fontella and Minion.

You will meet someone who understands you properly and when you do you won't feel insecure about it. He was the wrong man and has taken advantage. What exactly has he contributed to your relationship? I can see that he got a wife, his housekeeping, a free home, and kept his bachelor life going alongside it all.

None of this is your fault. He's tripped himself up before he's had a chance to destroy your confidence entirely and turn you into a victim.

You are not a victim. Tell your mum everything when she arrives. I know it's hard but if I were you I wouldn't engage with him, I wouldn't meet with him, I'd pack his stuff and leave it by the door. Just advise him that all further discussions will take place via your solicitor so a forwarding address would be helpful.

VanderElsken · 11/05/2014 10:51

Morning, Penny. Thinking of you, well done.

He wants to talk today?
Oh bloody does he?!

Well we had all better bend over and give him what he wants hadn't we, considering the situation…oh no wait a fucking minute he doesn't get anything he wants anymore as if that's the way things always magically go.

He wants to talk tomorrow. What a spoilt prick. You get what you need now. That's how it is.

LiberalLibertine · 11/05/2014 11:27

You ok penny ? Won't be long till your mum's here.

Are you going to talk to him? If so,I think you should make it for a couple of hours after your mum's arrival, you will feel stronger when you've had a bit of genuine tlc.

Will be thinking about you.

FantasticButtocks · 11/05/2014 11:33

Have just read entire thread Shock So sorry, MissPenny Thanks

Bloody well done on taking immediate action with the changing of the locks. Hope you get some love and comfort from your mum today.

I agree with Vander and wouldn't be giving him anything he wants at all, ever again. Whatever talks you do or don't have should be on your timetable, not his.

It is despicable and hurtful of him to have talked about you in this way to this 18 year old. Totally disloyal.

Wishing you the strength you need Thanks

comingintomyown · 11/05/2014 12:10

Just read your thread and want to say anyone who has the strength to sort changing the locks so quickly is someone who is made of stern stuff , you are a strong person who is not going to break

My marriage ended when I was 44 and as far as I am concerned I still have my whole life ahead of me !

You are going to be fine but it takes time

RachaelAgnes · 11/05/2014 15:14

Penny, glad you managed to get some sleep, and hope your mum is with you now/soon.
You mentioned the life you've lost with him - that would have been a life of being with a cheat, never trusting, always second guessing - a life that would have eroded the confidence of that wonderful young lady who had the strength to act last night with dignity and courage, to get her locks changed and call for the help she needed from her family.
Stay strong. Be gentle with yourself, but not with him.
You can do this - and do it on your terms x

Minion100 · 11/05/2014 15:56

Please keep us updated Penny Thanks

Back2Two · 11/05/2014 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Only1scoop · 11/05/2014 18:59

Hope you ok Penny been thinking of you today.

Hope your mum has come to see you Thanks

Take care

MummyBeerest · 11/05/2014 21:19

I just found & read this. Christ, that's so fucking low.

I know "gaslighting" is thrown around a lot on MN, and sometimes I don't really agree, but this is gaslighting in the purest form.

It's not right at all that he's made you feel this way when he's the one who's done wrong. Making you doubt yourself while catering to his every whim.

Lose the fucker. Keep the house. In fact, stay in town. Everyone will know the story, and he's definitely the saddo old fart. No way in hell it's you.

Or don't. Go wherever your heart desires. You're free and your life is starting over NOW.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 11/05/2014 21:19

Penny so sorry to hear things weren't as hoped. Stay strong you will get through this.

MissPennySweet · 11/05/2014 23:51

Just been out getting drunk.mum didn't turn up :(

OP posts:
ItsANewWorld · 11/05/2014 23:57

Have you told some friends?

Did you tell your mum?

MissPennySweet · 12/05/2014 00:08

No. I feel so bad,'my beautiful marriage i gone

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 12/05/2014 00:21

You need to tell someone in real life.

Esp your mum.

VanderElsken · 12/05/2014 00:23

Your marriage wasn't beautiful. You were the beautiful part of it. He was the selfish, lying part. Get back in touch with your mum and tell her you really need her and maybe even why. You will feel bad for a little while but I promise the worst will pass.

What other friends do you have to reach out to? Do what you need to do for now. You have all the power and righteousness and you will be okay.

Big hugs.

Only1scoop · 12/05/2014 00:43

Who have you been out with? Did you not tell your mum then.... I thought she was coming?