New BF who is also "the boss" and an accidental FB slur

[HellyBelly38]

This question is for a friend of mine, she asked me to post a question for her as she knows I use MN to answer my own dilemmas.

She is 37, works for a company with offices all over the place and she was employed by a very old friend of hers who owns the whole company.

Hence she was friends with the big boss (let's call him Mr D) , as well as many of the smaller bosses long before she was an employee of the company and is also friends with them on FB.

She started work there about a year ago, and then a few months ago starting also (quite casually but also quite promisingly) dating Mr D, who she had always been great friends with.

She is quite a lippy girl who often makes sarcastic jokes and she made a quip on the FB page of one of her bosses, let's call him Mr Tubby (tee hee). She has been friends with Mr Tubby for a long time and the joke (admittedly a bit off regarding his weight) wasn't intended to offend as pretty much everyone on the thread was commenting on his weight in a similar way and it's a bit of a running joke.

For whatever reason, Mr Tubby, who is both a very old friend of hers, as well as a boss of the company she works at (several rungs above her though) got offended and un-friended her on Facebook and sent her a pretty horrible email (I saw it).

She responded very nicely with an email to apologise, to say she had not meant to offend and to say she hoped they could resume their friendship.

Mr Tubby responded with an absolutely vile email which said something on the lines of "I am no friend of yours, I am a friend of Mr D" etc.

My friend is due to go and stay with Mr Tubby on a vacation trip with Mr D as his girlfriend and she now (obviously) does not want to go.

She let Mr D know what had happened and he advised her to ring Mr Tubby and apologise again to smooth it over.

I personally thought Mr Tubby's emails to her were absolutely scathing and completely out of proportion with her jokey FB comment. I am also supervised Mr D is not defending her and seems to blame her entirely.

Can I get the advice from the MNers for her?

Is it best to wallow her pride and suck it up?
Should she still go on the trip to stay in the house of this man who has been so rude to her?
Should Mr D be standing up for her a bit more?

Thanks

The friend sounds like really hard work!
Has anyone ever stood up to her before?

OP - Does your friend's workplace have a social media policy? Maybe she could make show she is serious about making amends by getting involved in writing one, then everyone will know where they stand and will understand better how badly jokes can turn out online.

Acas has some info on this:
www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3381

Lippy and sarcastic are not the ways nice kind people talk.The two don't go together and maybe this is just time she re assessed what she is really like.
You have had to tell her when she is being an arse. That says to me her words not nice or kind.
Alos if I was mistaken for Claudia schiffer and you ridiculed me about it being absured then that wouldn't be kind or nice either, I may be posting it as I was pleased and to have your ridicule would be insulting and bullying.

Just because this is the behaviour you have had among your friends doesn't mean it is right or that the rest of us think its just banter and fun.

You say you are telling her when she is an arse, so she is an arse a lot then? But why can Mr T tell her straight when she is an arse?

I was thinking that as her words were public, her apology should be public as well.

Lweji, I think Mr T wrote to her in private because he doesn't want to draw further public attention to this.

I am baffled as to what you imagine Mr D should do.

Collar his mate/colleague & tell him 'yes, I know this 'lippy' employee was unforgivably rude to you, but she happens to be my girlfriend, so can you please not fall out with her? & btw, I'm still planning on bringing her as my +1 when I stay with you.'?

Unsurprisingly, he's Not Getting Involved.

what is surprising is that he hasn't told OP ('s mate) in no uncertain terms that she's caused him considerable embarrassment by her inappropriate behaviour towards someone rather higher up the company foodchain than she is, & she should forget all about the vacation & lie low for a bit.

Just as an aside I have also dated men who are high up the hierarchy of their company. The whole banter thing that you describe about the weight in the car, is not banter that is open to others in that kind of way. The weight is a side issue. What these men are doing is more sophisticated, they are establishing & maintaining a small male group of self congratulatory validation with each other. They are saying to themselves, look at us, we are successful, possibly wealthy men with all the trappings that we want. We have made a success of our lives & we are sharing it with likeminded people who have achieved the same, but out of a sense of modesty we can laugh at ourselves too as we know we are not perfect. This sense of group identity is also present when they meet socially or at work. However its been misjudged by your friend as she is not a member of that club.

The modesty issue may have been weight but equally it may have been their golf handicap. Unhappily as its weight, the feeling may run a little deeper than it first appears.

I think the problem is that the other people on Mr Tubby's FB may not be aware of your friend's status as an old friend of Mr T. If they have heard of your friend then its along of lines of her being a junior manager (or whatever her job role is) or that she's shagging the boss, which will lose her professional respect anyway. They do not realise that the friendship runs for longer than that.

Mr T has lost face more than once here. Firstly by a non member of the club presuming to butt in & comment upon their in-jokes, secondly by a public joke about his weight & thirdly by other colleagues contacting him to say who the fuck is that disrespectful cow & why are you tolerating it. He may feel as though he is losing respect among his peers and/or junior staff by seeming to put up with those personal comments & fair play to him for emailing your friend & having the dignity to not respond on FB.

Your friend has put Mr D is an impossible position here & he cannot get involved as when you work at that level of seniority you have to have clear boundaries of personal & work lives. If he goes to Mr T & tells him to play nice with his girlfriend then he is undermining Mr T's seniority & showing a lack of respect towards him. If he says to your friend that she is in the wrong he will be upsetting his girlfriend. He cannot possibly take sides as either party will be offended & he can't afford to risk either.

Your friend has badly misjudged the situation with her thoughtlessness & Mr T has lashed out. I'm not sure of the resolution, other to say that she needs to lie low & allow the hurt to lessen.

Mmmm difficult this one. Name calling is undoubtedly bullying, however that part is done. So what to do now is the problem. In my experience everything unravels in time. I think seeing Mr Tubby face to face and abjectly apologising is the only way forward. I hate letters/ emails/ texts of apology as you can't see the persons eyes or body language. Painful as a face to face encounter can be , it is the only way forward so that they can all go on holiday with a bruised but nonetheless working relationship. Perhaps your tactless and rather cruel friend will have learned a lesson.

^ what Panda and OneTiredMummy said ^

Anyone else think that this must be an, um, interesting company to work for?

Very good post there by Onetiredmummy (I know how you feel by the way...) I think that is exactly it!

Nanny yes....VERY interesting. I can imagine the gossip over drinks among the junior staff of a Friday about the antics of the bosses!

The thing is, though, it sounds as though there are a number of sites, so there's no informal Friday night get together to gossip about things they've all observed, but much more fragmented, unverifiable gossip, where no-one can dilute the power of a liar/shit-stirrer.

Mr D/R could do with being a bit more Caesar's Wife himself, if he doesn't want mass dissent!