New BF who is also "the boss" and an accidental FB slur

[HellyBelly38]

This question is for a friend of mine, she asked me to post a question for her as she knows I use MN to answer my own dilemmas.

She is 37, works for a company with offices all over the place and she was employed by a very old friend of hers who owns the whole company.

Hence she was friends with the big boss (let's call him Mr D) , as well as many of the smaller bosses long before she was an employee of the company and is also friends with them on FB.

She started work there about a year ago, and then a few months ago starting also (quite casually but also quite promisingly) dating Mr D, who she had always been great friends with.

She is quite a lippy girl who often makes sarcastic jokes and she made a quip on the FB page of one of her bosses, let's call him Mr Tubby (tee hee). She has been friends with Mr Tubby for a long time and the joke (admittedly a bit off regarding his weight) wasn't intended to offend as pretty much everyone on the thread was commenting on his weight in a similar way and it's a bit of a running joke.

For whatever reason, Mr Tubby, who is both a very old friend of hers, as well as a boss of the company she works at (several rungs above her though) got offended and un-friended her on Facebook and sent her a pretty horrible email (I saw it).

She responded very nicely with an email to apologise, to say she had not meant to offend and to say she hoped they could resume their friendship.

Mr Tubby responded with an absolutely vile email which said something on the lines of "I am no friend of yours, I am a friend of Mr D" etc.

My friend is due to go and stay with Mr Tubby on a vacation trip with Mr D as his girlfriend and she now (obviously) does not want to go.

She let Mr D know what had happened and he advised her to ring Mr Tubby and apologise again to smooth it over.

I personally thought Mr Tubby's emails to her were absolutely scathing and completely out of proportion with her jokey FB comment. I am also supervised Mr D is not defending her and seems to blame her entirely.

Can I get the advice from the MNers for her?

Is it best to wallow her pride and suck it up?
Should she still go on the trip to stay in the house of this man who has been so rude to her?
Should Mr D be standing up for her a bit more?

Thanks

Yes, that would be the point. On the thread, Mr R and Mr Tubby himself were making jokes about their own weight actually (they are both overweight and they frequently poke fun at themselves for it). The line of the joke was something about the weight limit in a car they were driving in a photo, and it was a banter thread where lots of men were commenting. The only one who caused this offence was the only woman there. She did not publicly humiliate him as far as I can see. She is NOT like that. She is the type of person who worries a lot about how people feel so calling her nasty doesn't help her. She already feels bad.

For relevance, the three of them all work in diferrent countries. She doesn't "date at work". Mr R flies over to see her etc.

she was also friends with Mr T for a long time before she worked with him, and had this same banter before they were colleagues.

Also, if I seemed nasty to Mr T, it's because I am angry with him for the way he spoke to my friend, who I love.

I am actually on the porky side myself. However, I'd not send an email like the one he sent to anyone. Much less for an off the cuff comment of the nature that she made.

Wow. People who mock other's weight, even if they self-depracatingly do it themselves, are nit gentle and kind.

Well, as we don't know the exchanges between the two, we have to start with the premise that your friend HURT Mr Tubby first.

If he has sent 'vile emails' - thank goodness he didn't send those messages via Facebook and gave her some level of privacy for this spat.

This needs a telephone conversation.

"I ringing to apologise for any hurt I inadvertently caused. I really didn't think my words would be offensive (they were meant as a joke) but I now understand that I have hurt you deeply.

I hope that you will accept my apology"

[he might then rant a bit]

"I do understand what you are saying. As I said initially, I apologise for any part I played in that conversation when it got out of hand."

[should calm down a bit by then]

"I hope that I haven't damaged the friendship between the four of us irreparably. Mr D and I would still like to come for the weekend if that is okay with you"

[Mr Tubby should now start to apologise about what he said in emails to your friend.]

Mr D will also admire your friend as a grown up who sorts out her own 'fights' and is big enough to stand back, think and resolve.

Actually, you calling him Mr Tubby (tee hee) doesn't cover you in glory either. You both sound childish and unpleasant

I put in a complaint about a colleague who made a number of jibes regarding my weight. It is very hurtful and I think Mr Tubby (actually I think you're displaying there that you share her view) has the right to be offended. I was.

Regardless of the relationship between your friend and her colleagues outside of the work place, she should have the maturity and respect to appreciate that there is a line that should not be crossed.

You say in one sentence that she's lippy and in another that she's kind. Kind people do not act in the way your friend did.

Frankly she needs to grow up, apologise most sincerely and accept that she has caused hurt and offence and learn from her behaviour. IMHO she acted in a childish manner. Very sad from an adult.

Are you the "friend", OP?
If not, tell your friend to wise up and grow up. Start taking responsibility for her actions, not making excuses. Accept she has hurt this man and apologise wholeheartedly.
Mr Tubby has told her she is not welcome on holiday, so there is no question of her going.
Oh - and for someone who wanted to be "one of the lads" and "down with all the banter", she should be fighting her own battles and not expecting Mr D to do so, especially when she's in the wrong and has been outrageously rude to his friend.
I might be cynical, but this might make Mr D look at her again, both as an employee and as a lover.

That was really helpful Sadwidow...will send your message and suggestion to her.

I posted here because I knew we'd get honest opinions. I felt very defensive of her because I heard what he wrote.

She is not a nasty person and Mr T knows that because he has known her a long time and they went on holiday together only a few weeks ago. Sarcasm and banter doesn't make someone nasty, although it can sometimes cross a line without that being the intention.

She takes the piss out of herself constantly.

I NC for this, so if it was me, I would just say.

No it is genuinely for my friend.

Well, 'the friend' seems to want everyone to fight her battles for her - Mr D and the OP.

Tell her to take responsibility for her own actions and words.

And BTW, I have never met Mr T, so have no opinion on him one way or another other than reading what happened today.

Many, many things wrong with this.

The others making the posts may have been friends for longer and also be higher in seniority in the company than her. Therefore what was ok for them, due to her being more on the outskirts of the friendship than she thought and more junior made it not ok for her. They also would have had a better sense of where the line was and she may have steam rolled over it, which from your description of her personality may be close to the mark.
They may well have a sense of respect for colleague which which your friend has not shown meaning the overall tone was unpleasant.

There is also a tendency for people who endure these type of comments to go oh haha very funny and humour it from friends and be able to say when is enough but go off the deep end when those they see as acquaintances assume the same degree of intimacy.

As you describe her as a lippy sarcastic person its quite possible the friendship group finds her unpleasant but puts up with her for her boyfriends sake but she went too far this time and no one including him is standing up for her now because its been a long time coming. Hence the out pouring of giving her the measure of her character.Your friend and by the looks of your post you need to think before you let your gums flap with a pithy comment for laughs and actually think is it appropriate or just nastiness dressed up as humour.

Btw 'lippy' people are usually not kind with their words. Hope your friend learnt her lesson and grows up.

HellyBelly - I hope all is resolved when your friend phones with genuine humility and apologies.

Do let us know if we helped.

Yes, if she made a slip it was an unplanned slip. She didn't mean to offend him or hurt him. She hasn't got a mean bone in her body. That's the point.

She did see she was in the wrong from the minute it was mentioned and she apologised. I just felt the response he gave her was disproportionate. To the extreme.

Does someone offending you give you the right to offend them several times worse? I can see I am in the minority here but I don't see that her slip is a carte blanche for him to say whatever he likes.

He's well aware it was banter. I might be childish, but I've never un-friended anyone for making a comment that offended me on FB, which has happened many times.

Thanks you Sadwidow for being contructive. I can't reach her right now. I think reading this all must have upset her, some of it has been not very constructive at all.

Once he's calmed down he'll probably apologise for how nasty the emails were.

I did tell her that might happen and to leave him a few days to calm down.

Definitely Mr T appears to have over-stepped the mark also in his email exchanges with your friend if what you say is true. But someone has to be the bigger person here and resolve it.

Your friend 'started it' with her jokey comments. Go back to my script and I am sure that all will be resolved and this will become a storm in a tea-cup.

Yeh, she's done the right thing apologising straight away but best to give him time to calm down now. Well, that's what I'd do anyway.

An apology only needs to happen once, so long as it's sincere. Repeated follow-up "apologies" become manipulative, like you're pressuring the wounded party to hurry up and get over it.

She absolutely shouldn't telephone to make sure she still gets her holiday! He's upset, leave him alone. She could send a card saying she's bowing out of the holiday and to wish him a good time.

And I'm going to assume for the sake of charity that her apology was a genuine, "I'm-sorry-I-hurt-you" apology rather than the "I'm-sorry-for-any-misunderstanding" bullshit.

Something similar append to me about a year ago. A long time male friend made a post on FB that he was (according to his status update) mistaken for Arnold Schwartznegger by a child while he was on holiday. the friend is small with black hair and olive skin and glasses. I commented "was that kid blind?".

At the time, I thought I was bantering because it was SO ridiculous that this guy would ever believe he actually looked like Arnie but he got extremely offended, got drunk that night and went on my facebook page later that night to call me a "sad fuck" and all sorts of abuse. I deleted his comments and then apologised for offending him. He refused to accept my apology.

Similar situation in that my jokey comment had unintentionally hit a nerve and what was a small slight from me got an extreme and way out of proportion reaction.

I genuinely believe if a man had made that comment there would have been no reaction. It seems like what is "banter" among men is often an "insult" if a girl gets involved.

It seems to me like a double standard.

Of course her apology was genuine. She was shocked and mortified that she had offended him.

I don't think anyone should respond to a sincere apology with a reel of insults and it speaks volumes about his maturity rather than my friends

She should apologise by telephone and then step well back and see if anything can be salvaged of this. Everyone making comments about someone's weight via Facebook had no right to do so including her.

For the future I suggest she blocks everyone she works with on Facebook. This is one of the first things I do whenever I work somewhere. Sounds extreme but having been stung in the past no good can come of having colleagues on Facebook. So I get everyone's names and sit and block them all on the first few days I start so according to all of them I do not exist on Facebook. Saves the awkward moment they add you and you don't want to add them but they can see you're actively changing profile pictures so been on it etc. All awful. So just block literally everyone.

I only have 28 friends on Facebook. I once had 250. Never again.

Doesn't sound a bad idea Fairy. She was going to close her account today.