'I am not responsible for how you feel'

[CowardlyNNChanger]

If I ever mention that I am upset about anything that DH has done or not done, or a way he has acted, this is the response I get. I understand it to the extent that we cannot control the actions of others but we can control how we respond to them. But it still upsets me, makes me feel as though I am overreacting and causing myself to be unhappy.

Does anyone else get this?

The thing is I am pretty sure it's only me who is unhappy with the set up, actually I don't think he is happy either but I think the DC are happy, honestly if I thought it were better for them I would leave, but he is a good dad and I don't let them see me get upset.

His expectations of the house would be more important than mine because whenever I try to downscale the housework apparently I want to live in a shithole which is unhygienic and dangerous for the children - honestly, it's not, my idea of clean and tidy is I think perfectly acceptable but functional rather than show home. As I say, he would do his share, but if he is not satisfied with what I am doing at the moment he would want us both doing a couple of hours housework a night which I am able to do now but would not be prepared to do after a day at work, there would be no net gain for the children at all.

I am seeing the counsellor again this week. I don't know where to start. I want to talk things through and I want to leave if it is the only option but I don't want to rush into a excision without feeling I have given it my best shot, I am just not sure what my best shot is.

" but he is a good dad and I don't let them see me get upset."

Do you think that is sustainable for 18 years?

Do you think a good dad doesn't care about their mother's feelings?

Good luck with the counsellor, I think that's great you are going

You're right when you say 'everything is for him.' He has taught you to prioritise his happiness and comfort. Your 22:45 post shows just how much attention you're paying to what he needs to keep him happy.

What do you need to be happy?

Also, don't be too sure the children are unaware of the tension in the house, and unhappiness you feel at his criticisms. Children pick up much more than we realise.

It's great you are opening up to your counsellor though. This will really help. Wishing you all the best with it this week.

This could be written by me a fee years ago. My husband wss so similar but I had the added enjoyment of shouting and anger. Now he is lovely and very rarely moans about mess.
I simply made it clear I eould leave unless he changed. Iwas deadly serious and he knew it. I fear uyou will end up like me. Anxiety fear eggshells sickness and sadness.
My h read books on abusive relationships and recognised himself. Ovrr time he learnt to let the small stuff go and to enjoy life more. It has been cumulative but he is constantly showing how he has changed.
Now I feel safe to complain because he takes me seriously. It isnt perfection but for the first time I see a long term future. It took two years of hard work on both our accounts.

Whatdoes that is so good to hear, though I do think abuse has to be intentional and I think with DH it is his standards of himself that tip over onto me, but if I could get him to realise his perfectionist nature is making him miss so much then maybe he could change, go back to how he used to be or find a way to relax and enjoy life a bit more.

What hard work did you do? Because I think I'm doing it all wrong, pandering to him, I think it is making things worse. I really want to know what I can do to help him. Thank you for posting.

Whatdoes that is so good to hear, though I do think abuse has to be intentional and I think with DH it is his standards of himself that tip over onto me, but if I could get him to realise his perfectionist nature is making him miss so much then maybe he could change, go back to how he used to be or find a way to relax and enjoy life a bit more.

What hard work did you do? Because I think I'm doing it all wrong, pandering to him, I think it is making things worse. I really want to know what I can do to help him. Thank you for posting.

You need to set boundaries. This is no way to live, and your children may not notice now (although I very much doubt it - little children are like sponges, and they pick up EVERYTHING). But in the long run this is going to destroy your marriage.

You need to be firm with him and make it clear that you will not be talked down to. You have two small children, which is absolutely exhausting work. If he wants to have a show home, he can pay for a cleaner.

Whatdoesittake's post is good, I think. You may have to threaten to leave to make him notice. And go through with it if necessary.

That is correct. I had to threaten to leave and mean it. I was at my last straw. It was either he changed or I walked away. My health and confidence were suffering.
We worked on our relationship. We set aside one day a month which was child free where we talked and spent time focussing on us. We still do it now. Ee both did the online version of the freedom programme.
It was my husbands willingness to change and his recognition of the damage which was the true game changer. Without this you have nowhere to go.
He now never shouts. He holds his tongur about thr mess although it still bothers him. He is better and more patient with the kids.
He also changed his job some time agooso he was home more. He takes more responsibility at home making me respect him more.

That is correct. I had to threaten to leave and mean it. I was at my last straw. It was either he changed or I walked away. My health and confidence were suffering.
We worked on our relationship. We set aside one day a month which was child free where we talked and spent time focussing on us. We still do it now. Ee both did the online version of the freedom programme.
It was my husbands willingness to change and his recognition of the damage which was the true game changer. Without this you have nowhere to go.
He now never shouts. He holds his tongur about thr mess although it still bothers him. He is better and more patient with the kids.
He also changed his job some time agooso he was home more. He takes more responsibility at home making me respect him more.

"but he is a good dad and I don't let them see me get upset".

Women in abusive situations like yours often write the good dad comment when they themselves can write nothing positive about their man.

But he is not a so called good dad because he is treating you so badly here. Also your children pick up on far more than you realise. Your children are being shown that it is ok for Dad to disrespect their mum and be the overall ruler of his domain.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; you were taught healthy lessons, your H was certainly not. It is of no surprise to me therefore that he is the way he is; he learnt all that from his parents. Your H has had a lifetime of conditioning at their hands. His mother, like you are currently, has put up with it at great cost to herself. The man he was, that was a mirage designed to pull you in, that version was also in your mind and no longer exists.

Also your H has alluded to going to the GP about some other issue and may mention counselling whilst there. He will not. I still feel he is paying lip service to how you feel because at heart he feels he is and has done nothing wrong and does not care that you are unhappy. He is getting his needs and wants met and that is all that matters to him.

Abuse is about power and control; this man wants absolute over you and by turn the children. If they misbehave as children do he cannot cope with that. He controls you by keeping you in line, a look, a snide comment. He does not give a fig about you and treats you as staff.

What do you get from this relationship now?. Think about that question as well.

I don't think abuse is necessarily intentional.

He wants control over the way things are done, he puts himself first, above you and after behaving terribly toward you, he claims that he has no responsibility for your feelings. So he is aware that you are feeling bad, he is just not going to let it concern him. He claims it has nothing to do with him or how he acts. That is not the way a relationship is supposed to work.

It may not be deliberate in that his intention isn't actively to damage you, but it is deliberate to disregard you, belittle you and criticise. Whether he takes responsibility for it or not, that is damaging and it is abuse.

You sound very self aware and I know you want to give this relationship every chance of working, but paradoxically your best chance is probably to stand firm, have those boundaries and even leave. He needs to realise that you cannot change anymore. It's time for him to change, it's the only way things will improve. You cannot change him, only he can do that.

he was responsible for acting like a dick, he just chose to make it my fault if I got upset.

^^This, op.

I don't really have any advice OP, but I do sympathise as your DH sounds exactly the same as mine!

I don't hink it matters whether the abuse is intentional (although in this case telling someone they are not responsible for their feelings is very intentional). A controlling person is an abusive person.

The fact is the OP is unhappy. She has told her husband and he doesn't care. That is pretty deliberate too. He is aware of the effect on her and does not want to change his behaviour.

And OP he isn't a good father. He abuses you. He hardly spends any time with his children and when he does it has to be 'quality' time (quality of course being defined by him). When do the children get to be children with their father?

At the moment your H is getting too much out of this to stop his behaviour. he needs to see what it is he is destroying. he needs an ultimatum, but you have to be willing to see it through. this means you are able and willing to leave.

I was at the point where a life apart seemed better and I was more than willing to break up my marriage. this was the only thing which shook my H enough.

I see so many issues in your relationship. Your H works or is away from the home too many hours a day. he is resentful of you for the time you get with your children. This is coming out as anger or pickiness.

Would he consider altering his working week or asking for flexi time to enable him to address that? Could you get a part time job to make up the income shortfall.

he needs control and when things are untidy he feels stressed like things are getting out of control. This scares the hell out of him. It is like a house of cards he has built and one small thing could set the whole thing tumbling.

Strangely, he may also fear abandonment and thinks that controlling you will prevent it. he is too scared to let you do things your way because that represents a life without him.

The counselling thing may be lip service - you will have to wait and see. it might actually be fear of admitting he has issues. At the moment the way he is isn't greatly affecting his life - so he thinks all is well. But a shock may show him how wrong that is.

I also used to get plenty of compliments, flowers, nice words and almost suffocating closeness from my H and then abuse the next day. it unsettles you and could come from guilt on his behalf. However in the end all i felt was that he loved my body or my face, but hated the real me...

Now i feel more respect from him because he saw that i was capable and didn't need him as much as he hoped i did.

Good luck, becuase this is a hard road. it takes commitment from both of you. but if love is the basis you started from, hopefully that is what you will be left with.

whatdoesittake48 is speaking a lot of sense.