'I am not responsible for how you feel'

[CowardlyNNChanger]

If I ever mention that I am upset about anything that DH has done or not done, or a way he has acted, this is the response I get. I understand it to the extent that we cannot control the actions of others but we can control how we respond to them. But it still upsets me, makes me feel as though I am overreacting and causing myself to be unhappy.

Does anyone else get this?

Perhaps you have become used to it, still doesn't make it right, he sounds like he doesn't even like you, the lack of respect and appreciation is astounding.

He sounds like my ex. And that's why he's my ex.

You have to look REALLY hard at what you are getting from your marriage. If he is like my ex then nothing you ever will be good enough.

How is his interaction with the children?

DIY I have tried that, a bit of mess doesn't bother me in the slightest and I would rather tidy up once a day at half 7 when kids are in bed, but he wants the house tidy all the time, so if I don't do it he does it himself but then bangs around, swearing under his breath, sulking, moaning and I try to ignore it but I can't, it creates a horrible atmosphere. It's not that I won't get things done, it's that I would do them on a different time scale but I have been trying to please him and it has suddenly dawned on me that, much as I have tried, he is still not happy and maybe it's not my responsibility to make him happy. But if I don't try, he would be even more miserable. Sorry, aware I am rambling, I am seeing counsellor again this week and have been thinking things through and so many examples of things I try to do to please him which just don't work keep popping in to my mind. I am ashamed of myself for not standing up for myself, for trying to have an easy life. This is why I won't tell anyone what he's like, or what I perceive him to be like. On the outside it's a bed of roses.

cowerdly he sounds awful. I agree with the previous poster, switch it back on him.

"I'm not responsible for the way a few toys on the floor make you feel"

But if you do this make sure you have some examples of when his behaviour has upset you. Maybe it will open a discussion actually you will probably have a big arguement but his behaviour needs to be addressed so maybe it's worth it

Oops x post with diy

He totally loves the children, he gets a lot of pleasure from them, but he only sees them for half an hour or so in the evenings and he works quite a lot at weekends so doesn't get to spend as much time with them as he'd like. Then, if when he is with them dc1 is fussing or bad tempered, he gets in a mood because it has not been quality time. He doesn't find it easy to relax but enjoys the children when he can. And they love him to bits.

Hmm. "I'm not responsible for how you feel" only works to the extent that you can both decide that you would be better off apart. Maintaining a relationship does require that you pay some attention to how the other party is feeling.

On the other hand, the next time he walks through the door and complains about the state of the house could you tell him "I am not responsible for how you feel"?

He's really not awful, just has high standards but I'm sure they have got higher over the years, I don't think 21yo me would have put up with being criticised and talked down to.

We had one major fight discussion about his standards and I threatened to leave. Immediately he was crying saying that it was his fault and that he was so sorry and he would get some help, but he went to the GP and got ADs and then talked about how he hated being on them but he would do it for us. So how can I complain if he is doing something proactive to help himself and us? But looking back now it seems to have made no difference.

I just get the impression he holds all the cards and is NEVER in the wrong - he's controlling and demanding and appears to now have a problem with his temper. He loves his kids, and why wouldn't he, although he hardly sees them. Does he ever compliment you or thank you for anything?

Does he genuinely need to work long hours and weekends to keep a roof over your head? Looking after young children is hard work. Perhaps sometimes boring and unpaid work, but still hard work. Could he be conveniently avoiding the daily domestic grind?

I agree with others who have said to use his lines back at him. I tired that with my DH once and he told me I was being really petty. He fucking stopped being a twat though!

He often compliments me, tells me I look once or that I am doing a great job with the kids, so I can't complain about that. And he says thanks for loads, every time I serve dinner or make him a cup of tea. So lots of good things there as well in fairness.

Does he make you cups of tea?

"I washed your car with rocks. Are you pissed off? Oh well, I'm not responsible for the way you feel."

Ok, don't say that.

He promised to love and cherish you in the wedding vows. Is he cherishing you? Is he proud of you? Does he even act like your friend?

So you tried it, but you broke first? He's very good at this, isn't he?

A master manipulater, and getting better. Can you see that?

Saying 'thanks' is just good manners. Not really showing how much appreciates you.

Does he make you dinner and cups of tea?

He's very good with the children you write; this man sees them for half an hour daily during the week and cannot deal with them very well (probably calls on you) if/when they start fussing. You and the children sound like his staff.

How can they love him to bits when they hardly see him; do you love your man to bits?. What do you yourself think of your H?.

No, he doesn't make dinner because I am at home, I don't mind that, it's what I signed up for, although it would be nice at the weekend, but I knew he was a crap cook when I met him so my expectations were low :-) him not making me dinner doesn't bother me at all. He doesn't make me coffee but he does offer, but I always say not to worry as I don't really want to ask anything of him. Which is my own issue, I should just ask for what I want but I don't feel I can. Again, pathetic! I am working up to saying all this to the counsellor this week and hoping I don't feel too embarrassed.

He sounds a bit of a perfectionist, with himself and you and the kids.

No one can live up to that. Seems like he has been trying to as well.

What was his childhood/ parents like?

I think it's a good idea to tell your counsellor what you've said here.

How is the counselling going in general? Do you feel there are giving you useful feedback and helping you to assess your options? Or is it more a case of them just listening and allowing you to get things off your chest.

What's your husband's reaction to the counselling?

I have to say that as an outsider, this relationship seems incredibly destructive and abusive. Whatever you decide to do next, you will get lots of support on here.

for you.

Is he saying "I am not responsible for how you feel" because he cannot cope with himself trying to be perfect? So he feels he cannot possibly deal with your feelings as well? [big leap of ideas there!]

It sounds as if he doesn't think he ought to have any domestic or emotional responsibilities. As if his only responsibility is working/earning.

I have only had two sessions of counselling and she has been letting me rant as I have never discussed most of these things with anyone, ever, and have had no perspective so I am hoping that by talking through what upsets me I can begin to understand whether they are things I can learn to live with or whether I can change my mindset, or whether I will never hake him happy and be happy myself and should therefore just leave. I know full well that there are normally two people at fault in a relationship and I want to find out what my fault is but so far I have found it so useful to get everything off my chest. The counsellor used the words controlling and abuse in the last session and I found it a bit much, although she wasn't finger pointing, just pointing out that some of his behaviour could be seen as such, and I hadn't even discussed lots of things with her.

I hate talking about these things face to face though, I feel alternately ashamed of myself for not standing up for myself and accepting his gradually worsening behaviour and then feeling over dramatic that (shock horror) he expects me to be able to keep the house clean and I feel that his expectations are too high.

I am completely at a loss. I hear myself say out loud things similar to the above which I have shared in sessions and want to shake myself, but part of me is wondering whether the counsellor is sitting there thinking, 'Over-reaction much?' I don't think she is but I am so confused.

That's the thing, he is not happy either, but I think he is unhappy trying to live up to his own expectations and I have been enabling this by trying to help him achieve the impossible. But I want him to talk to someone about it and work through things which he has so far refused to do.

He has made a drs apt in a couple of weeks, it was about an injury but he said he would bring these issues up as well and maybe get referred for counselling which is a massive step but based on history, I'm not sure I believe that he will follow it through. My going to a counsellor has scared him though, I think he is worried I might leave and this might push him into action.

I just don't think I will ever be able to make him happy, but it's not his fault, he's not happy either.