I dont want this life with my husband

[SoWhatNowThen]

I am beginning to think that I only have one life, and I deserve to be happy. Our children deserve to be happy too.

My husband is a workaholic. He works one job 9-6, so is home around 7 pm. He then eats, rests for an hour, and goes back to his computer, and works till around midnight on his own business. He is grumpy, tired and overworked. He wont give up on his life's work - the business, but recognized we could not survive from it so took a new full time career job on top. I am also involved in the business, with book keeping and admin work, so as long as the business is ours/his, I am also tied up with it, and not in a position to find any other new meaningful job. I could turn my back on it, but have a sense of duty.

Weekends are spent waiting around for him to clear his email backlog before we can do anything together. Similarly holidays. Bank holidays and holidays he sees as his opportunity to crack on with his business.

I am frankly sick of it. I did not sign up for this. I am dealing single-handedly with all chores, everything related to the kids. He leaves mess around everywhere because he is too busy to tidy up after himself. He cant even put his own cereal bowls into the dishwasher, just leave it on the side for me.

He is going through a shirt per day, 2 pairs of socks and sports clothing, so creates a lot of laundry. Every day a new towel for him to wipe the seat of his bike/motorbike, adding to the load.

If I say anything, he just retorts "It is not like I am lying around on the sofa doing nothing, I am working".

I dont want him to work like this. I have not asked for it. I did not marry and have kids just to be on my own with it all, while he is pursuing not only an exciting career, but his own business too!

The business is not making money. It is making losses monthly, and he is paying business expenses with his credit card, and paying off his credit card with the salary from his other job. So, the other job is now subsidizing the business. The extra money is not going to the family. He says he cant sell it, he does not want to sell the business, it is unsalable because it is making losses. Yet, he loves it and wont give up on it.

I took the kids and went away for bank holiday weekend. I did not even ask him to join us, I figured he would just not be able to, or sit on his laptop the entire time, while we would sit around and wait for him. I figured he would crack on with work. But no, he decided to go on a his own weekend trip with a mate. So, I think he has proved to me that he can take time off from work, if he does not have to spend the time with his wife and children. Me and the kids had a fantastic time without him.

I have no interest in any other man. I just dont see what value this man is bringing to our lives. I know I cant ask him to give up on the business, he will just be resentful.

I have supported him for over 10 years in this venture, and given up my own career prospects for him to work on this, and help him. I have invested an inheritance from family on the business, my parents once gave him 20k to support him. Yet he still says that I have never supported him, and that he resents I have never been on his side. He is a selfish and entitled idiot without appreciation for the sacrifices we have all made for him to indulge in what in essence is nothing but a very expensive and time consuming hobby.

I am sick of it. I just dont know how to get on with divorcing him, moving out, moving on, and guiding the kids through this.

I think that is why it is so hard for me to act, I feel stuck in a limbo because it all now feels too complicated. The business, the losses and the debts, the home-ownership, his intentions, me not having a job, him now having a very well paid job. The balance is just off. But it is right, I should focus on what I want and what is best for me and the kids. I just need to take it slow and get appropriate advice. Grateful for the links below.

I think that it is really important that you begin working outside the business.

Say whatever you need to make it fly with him - also, beyond maybe drawing up an advert, you are not responsible for finding someone else to do that work!
Maybe having to pay cold hard pounds to someone else will be a bit of a wake-up call to him?

A family member is divorcing after a long marriage, where she was mostly a SAHM and then began working in her husband's badly managed business. Twenty years later, with no verifiable work history, no pension contributions and few qualifications her situation is pretty dismal...

Have you looked at pt jobs on

'women like us'
Timewise jobs
Capability Jane
Guardian jobs

Also, look at your council website for jobs such as clerk to school governing bodies, parish councils.

Pre-schools often need part-time administrators.

Look on 'people per hour'.

Look on Mumsnet work-related forums.

Does your children's school need lunchtime supervisors?

I am no expert but dollius's advice sounds good to me. You have tried hard enough, more than many would, so now disentangle yourself as soon as you can. See a solicitor.

Good luck. I have read your post twice and your anger and fury are what come through. You know it's over. You need to start the rest of your life. It's sad when a relationship ends but this is no longer a relationship.....

Have nothing useful to add except that you've put up with it a lot longer than many, and not a single person would ever be able to say that you didn't try.

You can't have a marriage to a man like this, with circumstances like this.

The only thing that'd. Ake him hear you is closing the business and ending the marriage.

My sister was married to a man like this, long story short he wouldn't give up on a dying business ended up in serious debt which he kept secret. It destroyed their marriage which was sad but fast forward to now and my sister and her kids are living a happy great life, while her ex is bankrupt and still works non stop meaning he hardly sees his kids.

If you love this guy, and he is being a bit of an idiot and have no balls to collapse a dying business, then find a job which you can support yourself for now. When he is ready to sign the business over to you, then you go ahead and collapse the business and bankrupt it and wipe it clean again. If he still wants to be with you, then he should grow some responsibility and morality. If he loves you truly, then he would stay, but if not, then yes, this is not love really, is it ? If he had guts, then he wouldn't have and shouldn't have palmed you something or to even use your money to begin with. How stupid.

"Hope" does not run a business. Know your strength, and know your limitation. Time can go by before one realises what they have lost.

See a solicitor, maybe even two; a family law specialist & a corporate/business specialist. The first to solidify your position regarding the house, finances, & the children The second to clarify your position regarding the company, its debt & how to extract yourself from it.

Only when you have gotten this taken care of ask tell him to leave. Change the locks if you legally can.

You deserve more than the half a life you are living.

I think you need to act quite quickly to extricate yourself from the business and force its immediate closure. You can do it! Good luck.

agree with sgb

My husband does not work that much but he loves spending evenings and weekends on his laptop.

I found that his level of support and understanding increased a lot after I had to go away for work and family matters, for several days each time.

He did things with kids that I could not convince him us to do together as a family. He actually is it he loved it and he is now more willing to help and spend time together. Before, it was only me who did everything for family.

So I say, find a reason to go away (e.g. visit your family) and leave him to cope.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I simply wouldn't be able to put up with that either, and Id want out. Its a shame when work and money becomes the priority in as relationship, before partner and DCs. Perhaps people like your DH only realise on their deathbeds that it just isn't worth it - giving your all to work and the pursuit of money is a sad way to live, but some seem stuck in that groove; constantly working yet no time to enjoy leisure and family time, no time to appreciate holidays, nature etc. Just the daily grind, with family having to fit around that and becoming more & more disillusioned.

Its a road to unhappiness if your DH would but see it; if you do leave him hopefully it will give him a shock, and he will wake up to how his work ethos is detrimental to all your lives and then maybe you can have a conversation about it. Where's the fun, the joy?

Look down your future years -imagine yourself living like this for years on end becoming ever more bitter, unhappy, and lamenting the years you've 'lost', whilst he immerses himself in business and you both grow ever older. & quite frankly - you must be bored shitless alongside all this. Good luck with whatever you decide to do but yes, you do deserve to be happy and fulfilled in the one life you have, and its a waste of a life to be living as you are for the sake of someone who has his priorities all wrong.

I thought I should update.

I have spoken to dh over the weekend. He said he does not want to run the business any more either. The way he sees it, he has to stick with it until some problems are sorted, the next annual accounts have been prepared so we know where we are. There is an outstanding directors loan we need to repay before a certain amount of time has passed, and we cant sell or close until this has been done. He has been thinking if he buys business stuff with his private funds this will go against paying off the directors loan which is why his salary has gone that way. It is also stressing him out.

I wish he could have spoken to me about these things, and his reason behind doing this. We need to get the accounts sorted, and speak to our accountant how we can resolve this. His thinking is if we can just stick with it for another year we will be ok and we can put it behind us. He is sorry for the mess, and he blames himself he could not make the business a success.

I'm glad there is a resolution in sight.

I do suggest, however, that you stay hands on with this, to make sure it moves EXACTLY in the direction you have discussed.

He sounds like he is stalling.

Don't forget a short time ago, he was proposing putting 95% of this millstone into your name and you suspected he would not be above sailing off into the sunset with his new high salary and leaving you with the consequences.

Ultimately, you don't trust him at all, which sounds like a very stressful position to be in.

I still think you should explore your options re leaving this man.

I am exploring. But right now I am also owner of 50%, and need to resolve the business in one way or another, that is not going to come back and bite anybody in the bum.

OK, but consult solicitors/accountants on your own. Make sure that you have all the necessary information. This man might make the right noises but he will either cling on to the business or stick you with the debts if he can. He is not on your side. He has put himself first throughout the marriage. That isn't going to change.