I dont want this life with my husband

[SoWhatNowThen]

I am beginning to think that I only have one life, and I deserve to be happy. Our children deserve to be happy too.

My husband is a workaholic. He works one job 9-6, so is home around 7 pm. He then eats, rests for an hour, and goes back to his computer, and works till around midnight on his own business. He is grumpy, tired and overworked. He wont give up on his life's work - the business, but recognized we could not survive from it so took a new full time career job on top. I am also involved in the business, with book keeping and admin work, so as long as the business is ours/his, I am also tied up with it, and not in a position to find any other new meaningful job. I could turn my back on it, but have a sense of duty.

Weekends are spent waiting around for him to clear his email backlog before we can do anything together. Similarly holidays. Bank holidays and holidays he sees as his opportunity to crack on with his business.

I am frankly sick of it. I did not sign up for this. I am dealing single-handedly with all chores, everything related to the kids. He leaves mess around everywhere because he is too busy to tidy up after himself. He cant even put his own cereal bowls into the dishwasher, just leave it on the side for me.

He is going through a shirt per day, 2 pairs of socks and sports clothing, so creates a lot of laundry. Every day a new towel for him to wipe the seat of his bike/motorbike, adding to the load.

If I say anything, he just retorts "It is not like I am lying around on the sofa doing nothing, I am working".

I dont want him to work like this. I have not asked for it. I did not marry and have kids just to be on my own with it all, while he is pursuing not only an exciting career, but his own business too!

The business is not making money. It is making losses monthly, and he is paying business expenses with his credit card, and paying off his credit card with the salary from his other job. So, the other job is now subsidizing the business. The extra money is not going to the family. He says he cant sell it, he does not want to sell the business, it is unsalable because it is making losses. Yet, he loves it and wont give up on it.

I took the kids and went away for bank holiday weekend. I did not even ask him to join us, I figured he would just not be able to, or sit on his laptop the entire time, while we would sit around and wait for him. I figured he would crack on with work. But no, he decided to go on a his own weekend trip with a mate. So, I think he has proved to me that he can take time off from work, if he does not have to spend the time with his wife and children. Me and the kids had a fantastic time without him.

I have no interest in any other man. I just dont see what value this man is bringing to our lives. I know I cant ask him to give up on the business, he will just be resentful.

I have supported him for over 10 years in this venture, and given up my own career prospects for him to work on this, and help him. I have invested an inheritance from family on the business, my parents once gave him 20k to support him. Yet he still says that I have never supported him, and that he resents I have never been on his side. He is a selfish and entitled idiot without appreciation for the sacrifices we have all made for him to indulge in what in essence is nothing but a very expensive and time consuming hobby.

I am sick of it. I just dont know how to get on with divorcing him, moving out, moving on, and guiding the kids through this.

If he gave up the business for you, would you still want him?

When I got together with my DH he was a very laid back unambitious kind of guy; it was part of the attraction. I was definitely the major breadwinner.

But when we had DS1 and I desperately wanted to be a SAHM he really stepped up. The downside was that 5 years and a couple of promotions and career moves later, I had three little kids and a very successful but totally workaholic husband who we hardly ever saw. He was away a couple of nights every week, never home before bed time and completely unable to switch off on weekends and holidays. And of course I picked up the slack.

I gave him an ultimatum and he quit his job and used his contacts to set up on his own. The idea was that he would work fewer hours and we would learn to live with less money in return for a better quality of family life.

We have been very fortunate and our business has been more successful than we could have imagined. DH has a great work life balance now.

But I came very close to not wanting to be with him any more OP. If I'd left it any longer I wonder if our relationship would have been salvageable.

"If he gave up the business for you, would you still want him?"

I dont think he could give it up without being resentful and start hating me.

He once had to work less over a period of time because I needed support through some family crisis, and he regularly throws this in my face and give that as a reason why the business is failing.

If he could decide that it was too much for him, and that he wanted us, it would be different.

The upshot of him having a job elsewhere is that it "invigorates" him in his business and gives him "good ideas" what to try that may make it more successful.

It sounds awful and I, like everyone else, recommend just getting the hell out of your marriage. I honestly don't think you need to worry about moving back to your home country as from what you have posted he's not likely to want to give up his time to see his children anyway.

Good luck

He once had to work less over a period of time because I needed support through some family crisis, and he regularly throws this in my face and give that as a reason why the business is failing.

That sounds familiar. My H regularly tells me how much his "productivity" has dropped since having DCs, and has rewritten history to make out that I was the one who wanted to have DCs in the first place (it was a joint decision).

I try to point out to him that his career hasn't suffered quite as much as mine by having DCs - we have the same qualifications and used to do the same job but post-DCs I took a sideways move to a job that was more flexible but paid a third as much, and am now 10+ years behind him on the career ladder instead of 2 years as previously. He refuses to accept this is true and says that I changed jobs because I didn't want to do the old one anymore. This is missing the point that I couldn't do the old one any more because someone had to look after DCs and home, and he certainly wasn't going to pick up the slack

Stop worrying about him and what's best for him and think about you. You're going round in circles.

In the accounts, is your money a directors loan that the company owes you? Be careful and if it is, formally write ( for documentation purposes, keep a copy) and ask for it to be paid now.

Do you use an accountant? Whatever, get the money you put in the business plus a salary ( backdated or from now) if you feel arsy, and tell them to adjust the accounts before year end. Then when you resign you are owned money LEGALLY from sale of business or assets.

Do not stress about what he thinks or how the accounts look to sell etc etc. it doesn't matter. What's important is you have an opportunity claw back cash.

with children you may not be able to just move abroad even within EU, if you do paying for the children to have contact with father maybe your responsibility, it is normally the parent that moves away that needs to facilitate access if your DC are school age this will mean most of his access would be in the holidays

are DH's parents in UK and what is DC's relationship with them and how would that be maintained the courts will act in childrens best interests not your social support network

it can take 2-4 years for a business in very specialised area to get off the ground to making a profit but after 10 years it is a non starter

Why is he investing so much time, and other people's money into a failing business when he already has a full time job? He needs to understand that it's either his business or his family - it's not a very complex idea!

Good luck with the legal advice.

The children have no regular contact with his family. He has a brother that lives locally, we see them once a year. His aunt lives locally, we see her twice a year. Not seen his mum for 4 years. Sporadic Skype contact. She lives overseas. He is not British, but a EU citizen. Kids dont understand her language. He never bothered about them speaking his language.

He should declare the business bankrupt and then start anew, and work harder to build back up a nest egg.

I think he seems to have lost sight of his own focus and is in denial at the moment.

I always thought that if in this position I would move back home, but now I'm in this position I can't see the point. My family is not supportive anyway (and what would I want them to do exactly?), I don't have any more friends in my home country than here after all these years, and I know this place, might be able to stay in the family home and would not have to take myself or the kids through a massive shift if I stay here. The kids, now they know what is going on, have made it clear that the last thing they want is to be uprooted. I don't particularly want to be here but I've got used to it and if this hadn't happened I would have stayed here. At first it was like a knee-jerk reaction - "then I guess I'll go back", now I'm thinking again. You may be in a different situation, but equally you might find it isn't your best option when you think it over. Right now you are just furious.

My husband was working ridiculously hard, but it turns out that he had time to go on holidays with his mistress while supposedly on business trips. Also explains why he stayed up late "emailing" etc. When I complained about his working hours, he also said I wasn't supportive of him. Indeed, now I found out about his affair, he's saying my lack of supportiveness is one of many reasons why he didn't like spending time with me and was forced to find love elsewhere.

I cant picture my husband moving out. We would have to uproot.

There's uprooting and uprooting, though. I'd still move out of the house; just changed my mind about moving countries. My kids are teenagers, though - if they were younger I might think differently.

The other thread people are remembering was in a different part of the country and the DH was writing apps for phones/tablets iirc.

OP it sounds as if he mentally left you and the dc years ago. It's good that you are going to proceed carefully because it's quite legally complex involving the house, business and the issue of going abroad. It needs to be properly handled.
I wouldn't be washing his sports gear in particular as surely he can't have spare time to play sport.

Sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you need to speak to a divorce lawyer with experience in joint businesses and mums who own the house. It sounds like it could get quite complicated.

"He knows how I feel. He does not care."

Then no one would blame you for splitting up. If you had just met this man and never saw him as he didn't want to spend time with you but could find the space for friends, would there have been a 3rd, 4th, 5th date?

I think that once you have the end-of-year accounts, you tell him you are separating.

You say you will give him 100% of the business in return for 100% of the house. You are entitled - you have lost your inheritance and £20k of your parents' money to this hobby. It's payback time.

If he says no, then you say in that case you will force the closure of the business, as you have the power to do.

You say clearly "I will not listen to you blaming me for the failure of this business. In my opinion this is not a viable business and if you do not take it over completely in return for me keeping the house, I will have it wound up."

Repeat ad infinitum.

And lawyer up!

He has suggested he sign over 95% of the business to me, as the new employer might object to him having interest in the business.

Of course, I think he is smart enough to realize that it is in his interest to sign off a business in debt to me, the legal owner of the house his children live in... I would not be surprised if he is prepared to walk into the sunset with his high salary, leaving me all the problems.

Then just cut to the chase and have the "business" wound up now.

You need to protect your children - do not allow this twit to leave you and them high and dry.

Why does he think you might be stupid enough to take on a business you have no interest in, is in debt etc etc? I thought it was his dream? And he wants 5%!:)

I'm sure his current employer would be interested as well!
Make sure any money you put in is showing as a loan to you. Then close the books and get rid of it, you can put it up for sale now. If it doesn't sell by year end, close it, pay off debts and finish.

I think you need to move faster and go and see a solicitor. He is scaling back.

If the business is consistently losing money then the debts will just get bigger and bigger.

You need to cut your losses NOW, especially if he is likely to try to shaft you by pushing all the debts onto you.

I don't think it matters what HE wants anymore. What matters is what you want OP.

You sound as though you have a very good head on your shoulders, lots of knowledge and a firm grasp of the situation.

So every step you take now should be a step towards what you want.

Is it possible to simply file for divorce. Could that be a first step?

Fortunately you are smart enough to realise the situation you are in ...

It sounds like mentally your out of there already. Start your exit.
Keep your mouth firmly closed until you've seen a solicitor. Your smart you know this already though.

Are you one of these people who knows the big picture, but cannot find the emotional strength to push it through ? I do not understand why your husband does not sell and release it asap, especially if it an ongoing liability. If you guys will stay together and want to stay together, how do you feel if he declares the company bankrupt and then draw it to a close and then start anew from having jobs? Would you be happy with that scenario ?

"I don't think it matters what HE wants anymore. What matters is what you want OP."