I dont want this life with my husband

[SoWhatNowThen]

I am beginning to think that I only have one life, and I deserve to be happy. Our children deserve to be happy too.

My husband is a workaholic. He works one job 9-6, so is home around 7 pm. He then eats, rests for an hour, and goes back to his computer, and works till around midnight on his own business. He is grumpy, tired and overworked. He wont give up on his life's work - the business, but recognized we could not survive from it so took a new full time career job on top. I am also involved in the business, with book keeping and admin work, so as long as the business is ours/his, I am also tied up with it, and not in a position to find any other new meaningful job. I could turn my back on it, but have a sense of duty.

Weekends are spent waiting around for him to clear his email backlog before we can do anything together. Similarly holidays. Bank holidays and holidays he sees as his opportunity to crack on with his business.

I am frankly sick of it. I did not sign up for this. I am dealing single-handedly with all chores, everything related to the kids. He leaves mess around everywhere because he is too busy to tidy up after himself. He cant even put his own cereal bowls into the dishwasher, just leave it on the side for me.

He is going through a shirt per day, 2 pairs of socks and sports clothing, so creates a lot of laundry. Every day a new towel for him to wipe the seat of his bike/motorbike, adding to the load.

If I say anything, he just retorts "It is not like I am lying around on the sofa doing nothing, I am working".

I dont want him to work like this. I have not asked for it. I did not marry and have kids just to be on my own with it all, while he is pursuing not only an exciting career, but his own business too!

The business is not making money. It is making losses monthly, and he is paying business expenses with his credit card, and paying off his credit card with the salary from his other job. So, the other job is now subsidizing the business. The extra money is not going to the family. He says he cant sell it, he does not want to sell the business, it is unsalable because it is making losses. Yet, he loves it and wont give up on it.

I took the kids and went away for bank holiday weekend. I did not even ask him to join us, I figured he would just not be able to, or sit on his laptop the entire time, while we would sit around and wait for him. I figured he would crack on with work. But no, he decided to go on a his own weekend trip with a mate. So, I think he has proved to me that he can take time off from work, if he does not have to spend the time with his wife and children. Me and the kids had a fantastic time without him.

I have no interest in any other man. I just dont see what value this man is bringing to our lives. I know I cant ask him to give up on the business, he will just be resentful.

I have supported him for over 10 years in this venture, and given up my own career prospects for him to work on this, and help him. I have invested an inheritance from family on the business, my parents once gave him 20k to support him. Yet he still says that I have never supported him, and that he resents I have never been on his side. He is a selfish and entitled idiot without appreciation for the sacrifices we have all made for him to indulge in what in essence is nothing but a very expensive and time consuming hobby.

I am sick of it. I just dont know how to get on with divorcing him, moving out, moving on, and guiding the kids through this.

Can I personally use the shit hot law firm the company has used for the services of a notary public? - Note the company, and him personally have never taken legal advice from this firm?

I left my ex when I knew that I was further down his list of priorities than his business. He is still single, 6 years later and doesn't have a successful business to show for it.

I will never understand his train of thought but I'm now happily married to a man who has a normal job and loves spending time with me and our son. I'd never have changed him and it sounds as though your h is the same. We didn't have kids or financial ties though, so my choice was a LOT easier than yours.

WhoNicked - I recall the similar post to with DH who worked in IT...

I'm not saying be as drastic as ditch the DH in this case but something's got to give and a business that's not been working for TEN YEARS with no profit etc is a dead duck.

Your DH also sounds incredibly selfish not wanting to move from London knowing the impact London has on your allergies (I feel your pain, live greater London and my allergies, asthma can be very bad too). You are also equally being selfish only wanting to go home - if he gives up the business and his job how will he find work that is in your home country?

couples counselling at least work work but I think your DH would be very stubborn.

It is true that he never sees anybody's position or viewpoint but his own. There is no empathy. He also lacks the ability to take any responsibility or blame for anything. He rewrites history and forgets his own part in issues. He has a very poor/selective memory.

Super, I have suggested moving out of London several times. I have suggested Sussex, New Forest, Surrey, Lake District, Scotland, any place with better air quality and cheaper housing, as well as a better quality of life. Moving home is last option. It is my "post split" option, as I see little point in moving on my own to Sussex to be a single mum without a support network, and without a job lined up.

OP - I think (now having read all the thread) you are best off out of there and get a damned good lawyer.

I work for them (lawyers) it won't be easy but it's better than being with this person and dealing with their shit.

Put your house on the market, ring the estate agent tomorrow.

Just be honest with him, your selling the house and moving, he can quit and join you or you resign and leave. Either way your out of the business for good. Can you disassociate from it easily? you need to check your financial responsibilty to this loss making 'business' plus the risk going forward if you do want out.

It will make him realise how serious you are. life is so short and you have been more than patient.

Super, he does not have to give up both and move to my home country.

It would suffice for him to give up one of them, and leave London. If we moved to somewhere cheaper, the business might well support our living, especially if we release equity from our house. He does not want this, he loves London - despite never wanting to go anywhere in London because he is always working.

If he gave up his business, stayed in his job, and in our home, I would perhaps have a husband/life partner, and the kids would have a dad who is present in their lives.

OMG, what an idiot your H is!!!

I think you should go and see a solicitor asap, because he's not worth all that hassle.

If your H is that determined to run the business, that can be your leverage.

As you own 50% of the company, I think you have the right to petition to have it wound up and the assets sold off.

Tell him you won't do that if he agrees that the house is yours and the business stays his when you legally separate.

If he has spent this long on it, it is likely that he will be willing to agree to something like that.

The one thing I would say is if you do do what Mother says then go through with it. Don't just do a threat and think that will magically make him change his ways because from what's been posted here, it won't.

also a solicitors phone call or visit may be needed in case on looking at Land Registry deeds you have it down as I don't know 'tenants in common' , 'joint tenants', you have a Trust Deed with a 50/50 split/interest etc.

sorry you may have it down as the above not definite!

OP - I get you - he won't move out of London. But I can this is his sticking point, he won't move.

So I can suggest letting him have 100% ownership of business, and me of the house.

But he wont agree to this. He knows the value of the house, and he knows the business is worth nothing.

Remember you're married....

just because you're married and the house is in your name, I'm not 100% certain but it wouldn't guarantee you'd KEEP 100% of the house. But as you have 2 dependents then you probably would get the house.

if he sounds as arsey as this now then be prepared for him to get a lot more arsey if you threaten divorce.

trust me I've seen lots of divorce papers, more and less acrimonious than this could get!

Yes, but you can force the closure of the business and the sale of all of its assets. You can do it RIGHT NOW.

All that expensive IT, all those expensive systems he has put in place. Will all be sold off (probably for next to nothing) and he will not retain the legal right to ANY of it.

So tell him if he wants a portion of the house, the business WILL be closed down.

I am fully prepared that he will get arsey, I am under no illusion. He is arsey and spiteful even when he has no reason to be.

You don't need his permission to leave the business. You can resign and complete paperwork yourself via companies house and the bank.
He can either agree to close it with you or find someone else to work for free/ be company secretary or whatever role you have. The business is a red herring - it keeps you busy and under more control - you don't have time to notice other stuff. Free yourself.

Get on linked in, get your cv up to date and job hunt in an area you'd like to live. Or commutable from an area you'd like to live.

See a solicitor, get some idea of what you'll get.

You can tell him you want a job and a career and he's with you or against you, and see what he does. If he's unsupportive, then get all your finances together, see a solicitor, and arm yourself with facts.

If he won't change his behaviour and uses the business or gym or whatever to avoid being dad and dh, then carry on as you are- no point extra stress, til you have a job and some idea of what your future is.

Then you either file for divorce or make another go of it.

The best thing I ever did was separate my career from my husband's business. I think many men have the fantasy of a family business, with wife happily working alongside husband, the reality is pretty much what you have posted up here for many, unless your husband is a brilliant business man (mine isn't, and neither is yours).

The good thing now is I don't care, it's not my business, I don't have to worry about it, I have my own interesting career- I suggest you do the same. He will find an accountant/book-keeper and can do the admin himself or pay someone else to do it.

It sounds like the love is dead here, or perhaps just buried under anger. I would be angry if my husband went off on a jolly with his mates having not spent any time with me for months. My husband is a workaholic and it does drive me crazy (I am too though so keep busy) but the one thing that makes it bearable is the thought that when he does take time off, he wants to be with us.

Good luck Op, something has to give. Get legal advice and think about getting a job, although you would need to make a decision about returning to your home country first.

OP I'm not being unkind (no I'm not a lawyer) but I've seen worse than this happen in divorces with less or more assets and with/without children...

spouses can be AWFUL. there is rarely a thing as an amicable divorce. PM me if you want to do so.

I would do as DIY says. You really really need to decide though if you want the divorce or not. Because further up the thread you say "well if he does this that etc... then we could do this that" but intrinsically his views/lifestyle/choices etc will not change. I'm so sorry for you with those latter words but he won't change.

I know you may not want me to do so but I sort of want to hold your hand - he doesn't sound a very nice character.

OP I feel your pain. I too am married to a workaholic - not own business but a salaried professional job. He leaves the house before 8am and comes home around 10pm most nights, turns his computer on straight away and keeps working until 3 or 4 am. I work full time but with flexible hours, so need to work evenings and weekends to make up time. He knows this but says he "can't" come home in time to help with bath/bedtime so that I can get organised to work in the evening and tends to assume that any free time on the weekend is automatically allocated for him to work (i.e. I look after DCs, do weekend domestic chores etc). I do 95% of all things domestic and DC-related.

He is chronically sleep-deprived and grumpy. He used to sleep in until midday on weekends (both days - I can count on the fingers of 1 hand the number of lie-ins I have had since having DCs and DC1 is 7), although this is slightly better now. He too tends to see holidays as extra work time - won't go on holiday without his laptop, was about as much use as a chocolate teapot during his paternity leave for DC2 because he insisted on working half the night and then I couldn't trust him with a crying newborn in the dead of night in case he fell asleep on the sofa holding DC (he is so sleep-deprived he regularly falls asleep during meals or conversations!).

Like your husband, mine is apt to say that I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him, but when I married him he did not work 20 hour days as the norm. I didn't sign up for this. My life would be easier without him in it because I could just sort myself and DCs out without having to factor in how to get him to do/be involved more and without having to manage his reaction to being asked to curtail his working hours. I too am fed up. He is selfish and entitled. He has basically killed any affection with his behaviour, but is apt to turn it around onto me and blame me for resenting him.

Sorry, no real answers but you are not alone.

You don't need his permission to leave the business. You can resign and complete paperwork yourself via companies house and the bank.

Good idea! It could be your first shot across the bows and, you never know, it might cause him to give up on the business once and for all, but I wouldn't hold your breath!

Ok MrBuster me and my husband are not workaholics by that definition. We work hard and long hours, but love family time and certainly couldn't survive on that amount of sleep. Your husband is crashing and burning anyway, with his sleep problems and grumpiness, the main issue for you will be to avoid going down with him when he crashes.

As for using the shit hot law firm, why don't you ring them up and ask if its a conflict of interest? State that you've used them for business purposes, but that you'd now like to consult them on a personal matter and see what they say.

Getting him to close the business and move out of London is asking for too much at once. His rather expensive hobby which has swallowed up an inheritance and 20k from your parents plus being kept afloat by his salary has to go. But trying to make him move out of London and lose that well-paying job at the same time would be asking for far too much. And you know what the answer is likely to be in any case.

I would advise you to concentrate on getting him to wind the business up, or else. If he ever agrees to it then moving out of London can be Part Two of the long-term plan.

If you really are past the point of no return then consult a decent solicitor who specialises in family law.

I am very glad I posted.

I need legal advice, both from a family and business perspective.

I am not going to do anything rash until after last financial years return has been finalized and I know the exact situation of the business. It is under way.

I also need to start looking for a job.