I dont want this life with my husband

[SoWhatNowThen]

I am beginning to think that I only have one life, and I deserve to be happy. Our children deserve to be happy too.

My husband is a workaholic. He works one job 9-6, so is home around 7 pm. He then eats, rests for an hour, and goes back to his computer, and works till around midnight on his own business. He is grumpy, tired and overworked. He wont give up on his life's work - the business, but recognized we could not survive from it so took a new full time career job on top. I am also involved in the business, with book keeping and admin work, so as long as the business is ours/his, I am also tied up with it, and not in a position to find any other new meaningful job. I could turn my back on it, but have a sense of duty.

Weekends are spent waiting around for him to clear his email backlog before we can do anything together. Similarly holidays. Bank holidays and holidays he sees as his opportunity to crack on with his business.

I am frankly sick of it. I did not sign up for this. I am dealing single-handedly with all chores, everything related to the kids. He leaves mess around everywhere because he is too busy to tidy up after himself. He cant even put his own cereal bowls into the dishwasher, just leave it on the side for me.

He is going through a shirt per day, 2 pairs of socks and sports clothing, so creates a lot of laundry. Every day a new towel for him to wipe the seat of his bike/motorbike, adding to the load.

If I say anything, he just retorts "It is not like I am lying around on the sofa doing nothing, I am working".

I dont want him to work like this. I have not asked for it. I did not marry and have kids just to be on my own with it all, while he is pursuing not only an exciting career, but his own business too!

The business is not making money. It is making losses monthly, and he is paying business expenses with his credit card, and paying off his credit card with the salary from his other job. So, the other job is now subsidizing the business. The extra money is not going to the family. He says he cant sell it, he does not want to sell the business, it is unsalable because it is making losses. Yet, he loves it and wont give up on it.

I took the kids and went away for bank holiday weekend. I did not even ask him to join us, I figured he would just not be able to, or sit on his laptop the entire time, while we would sit around and wait for him. I figured he would crack on with work. But no, he decided to go on a his own weekend trip with a mate. So, I think he has proved to me that he can take time off from work, if he does not have to spend the time with his wife and children. Me and the kids had a fantastic time without him.

I have no interest in any other man. I just dont see what value this man is bringing to our lives. I know I cant ask him to give up on the business, he will just be resentful.

I have supported him for over 10 years in this venture, and given up my own career prospects for him to work on this, and help him. I have invested an inheritance from family on the business, my parents once gave him 20k to support him. Yet he still says that I have never supported him, and that he resents I have never been on his side. He is a selfish and entitled idiot without appreciation for the sacrifices we have all made for him to indulge in what in essence is nothing but a very expensive and time consuming hobby.

I am sick of it. I just dont know how to get on with divorcing him, moving out, moving on, and guiding the kids through this.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but have you told him all this? Told him straight that you're this close to calling it a day, the business isn't working and you've had enough?

You are well within your rights to walk away from this if nothing changes, and absolutely right that you only get one life.

LIfe is passing you by. You have given 10 years for this???I think you already know what you need to do, put one foot in front of the other and just do it.Good luck. I could not live like this nor allow my children to either. Y ou are living like a single parent now, I really feel for you.

Workaholics are selfish and they do it for themselves (although in my experience they like to play the martyr and say they are doing it for you). It is impossible hard to live with a selfish man.

The whole can't put his dishes in the dish washer and do some laudry is just laziness and a belief that it is your job to do that for him. It isn't. He will find that out soon enough when you leave.

The hiding away with his iPad & going away with his mate (what a tosser) are other red flags. I think you summed him up quite perfectly OP.

As others have said first thing to get the ball rolling is book an appointment with a solicitor. CAB, Rights of Women and Entitle To may also help. I'd get some of your ducks in a row before telling him.

We have had several discussions over the last year, and somehow he has managed to put it all back on to me.

He says things like the business would have worked better if I had done this and that to market it in the US, or Australia. We have no presence in Australia, or the US. It then turns into a discussion of business logistics in overseas investments and how this could not be done without having the infrastructure in place for this. Etc.

There would have been more money in the business if I we had not taken such a high salary! He does not realize that the business is employing two people, me and him, and that we need a certain salary to live in London.

He then says I am free to go and find a job any time - in fact he says this a lot, but at the same time I am expected to fulfill my company duties, and do the school run, and take the kids to their activities, etc.

Then he blames me for him losing the financial overview when we outsourced some of the accounting, despite him telling me that he did not need the financial management accounts I was providing in the first place.

He says he can take over the company finances. We both know this is not true. He says I could have found somebody to replace me long ago. Like this is easy. It is like banging my head against the wall because it seems like he is out of touch totally, and does not even understand the issues relating to the financial management of his own company.

I should just walk away and not feel emotionally blackmailed out of a sense of duty.

I think you have said everything in your OP SoWhat:
He is a selfish and entitled idiot without appreciation for the sacrifices we have all made for him to indulge in what in essence is nothing but a very expensive and time consuming hobby.

Do you want to stay living with and drained by this selfish and entitled idiot?

Are there any positives in your life with him?

If you plan to LTB it may jolt him into realizing what he is about to lose, but I doubt it. He will probably unleash a shitstorm upon you about how selfish you are being not revolving you life around him and his expensive hobby - well you have been doing that and are very unhappy as a result (as most people will be).

What do you want? How do you imagine a life without all your H's grief to look like?

Imagine a life where he isn't sucking you dry? Not being angry with you & DC all the time? And where you aren't all sitting around waiting for him to fail to be involved yet again.

It sounds thoroughly depressing and miserable - you don't have to life this life with him.

What time do you get for yourself? For your hobbies?

of course he can tidy up after himself, put his dishes away etc - as scallops say he doesn't as he feels that cleaning up after him is your job & your role in his life.

He sounds like a complete nightmare. Never accepting responsibility. Honestly you are thinking the right thoughts in wanting to leave.

But you do need to address where you live. The Rights of Women website might be able to help on that front. I don't think it would be beyond the realms of possibility that you return to your native country as you are the children's primary carer. But you definitely need professional advice on that front.

www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/en/international/relocation-abroad-children.htm seems to know a bit about it.

I would also start writing down almost a diary of how little much he interacts with the children on a daily/weekly basis in preparation. Also any verbal/emotional abuse he may direct towards you or the children. You haven't indicated much on that front other than he is grumpy but if he is abusive then this might weigh against him. Mind you working all the time and neglecting his children is a form of abuse.

Your DH does not have a business; he has a time consuming and expensive hobby. Not only that, but it is a hobby that creates even more work for you. It is also his dream so you will need to tread carefully, but he does need to accept that it cannot go on like this. Perhaps he could see a business coach who can break this to him? Or agree to a plan eg to break even (after paying him and you properly for your time) within 6 months or to wind it up. Your life is indeed being subsumed to his. You will not even get any thanks for this long term as you will have become dull, boring and resentful so he will leave you if an when he becomes successful (might be exaggerating but it's not far off).

OP, you can't carry on like this. It's not a marriage. Sorry not to be able to help more.

So, not only is he leaving you to pick up all his shit he's also belittling what you do for his hobby business.
He has no loyalty to you or respect for you.

"So, not only is he leaving you to pick up all his shit he's also belittling what you do for his hobby business. " Correct. I have had enough.

Is your home country within the EU? I'm assuming it is due to the travel time. Surely that would make it easier than, for example, trying to move to America or something?

Anyway. Just wanted to offer some support and day that you're entirely reasonable to be hacked off abdominal think you'll find life far easier without him x

Can only agree with you... and to advise you that one of the first things you need to do is lose the sense of duty (He has none to you!) The second - get good legal advice.

Good luck.

Oh, and as for returning to your own country - if you tell him that if you stay you will assume 50/50 care as a start point for the children, then sadly I think he will very quickly agree to you taking them a two hour plane ride away.

Working with my wife ultimately brought an end to our relationship. I couldn't do much about it at the time as we'd borrowed a large amount of money from her mother. We got shafted out of a large amount of money due to a crooked business partner and if I didn't build up our other business her mother would have lost her house. Hence I was under a lot of pressure. There was no easy solution for me. I either got a normal job and MIL lost her house or I built the business and risked ruining our marriage. Neither were an ideal solution. It wasn't an option for MIL to loose her house so I expanded the business which meant working a 120 week for 4 years or so. Eventually I managed to get my working hours down to approx 50 hours a week and reclaimed my evenings and weekends but it took a lot of effort and some savvy business decisions. However, the damage was done and our relationship was buggered.

Life dealt us some poor cards and we made some bad depictions and paid the price. However now I work a normal amount of hours and take home around 100k a year. My wife isn't involved in the business anymore and we're separated so the next time I get involved with someone it should be very different. I'd never ever work with a spouse ever again. Lesson learned. I'll never borrow big chunks of money from family or friends either.

If his business isn't making money and hasn't made money for a while/ever, then he needs to pack it in. If it's a case that his setup costs were expensive and he'll make money in the next year or two then he may be better staying at it. You can give him the option of you or the business but it's a bit difficult to advise without knowing when/if the business will make money, how much money will it make....etc. is it a case that another year or two at it and you'll be financially secure and sorted for the future? I'm assuming not.

I'm the kind of person that enjoys building and running a business but I earn good money too. If the business isn't making money then it's foolish to carry on. He could just be using the business as an excuse not to get involved in family life because he's just not interested in it?

The business is not likely to make money. The market has moved on, and there are competitors offering the same, at better cost and better infrastructure. He has at the same time spent two years at 3k per month building bespoke systems that are not working, instead of licensing the same (but working) at a fraction of the cost. He is making one bad decision after the other, without thinking things through. "because we need to offer it". No, we dont need to spend a fortune offering everything a competitor is offering that remotely and vaguely fit in our range. We cant compete with everybody, offering inferior stuff. He is never discussing these decisions with me. He overrides me if I say the funds are not there to do XYZ.

You have had a way of life enforced upon you that you are utterly miserable with. It doesn't sound likely as if he will change. So you either accept that your partner is a workaholic and develop your own interests or leave and make a life for yourself without him. I can't see any other options.

OP you sound as if you have very rationally assessed the situation and know the right thing to do, in fact your post is so emotionless that it sounds as if there is little love or friendship between you two, and your living with nothing more than just a burden of a flat mate.

Life's short, is say go for it, make the break and enjoy a new chapter in your life.

Do you have any knowledge on the business etc and how it was setup?
Hopefully as a seperate entity as if it all goes tits up they will come after your house etc.

There is no love left.

I cant talk to him about anything. He has no time. If I ever try to talk to him about anything, he will either just say uhu, uhu, and not really listen, or he will be annoyed that I am wasting his time, and making him use his brain for something not business related. He will snap at me and say "I really dont want to have to think of this, now my brain will be too knackered to deal with my job, well done".

Oh OP, this all sounds utterly soul destroying. You really, really sound like you've had enough; you know you need to start working out the logistics of leaving and going home.

I'm sorry for you that he has been so stubborn, thoughtless and downright unkind over the years.

I would start by telling him you're resigning with immediate effect & then give him a week to make a decision - you or the business. As someone up thread said, this is an expensive hobby & if it's not making money after 10 years, it never will . He chasing a pipe dream & his over inflated ego is the only thing keeping it alive.
If he either ignores you or chooses the business then please please LTB.

It is an ltd. We have 50% each. I am not a director. Our house is in my name only, have always been. But I reckon it will still be "an asset of the marriage".

What are the implications (financial or otherwise) or winding up the business? Do you have any assets or is it all debts?

OP - this has all the hallmarks of an acrimonious split. I suggest you get yourself a good lawyer. He's so full of himself and so unable to see anyone else's viewpoint that he is going to think you utterly unreasonable (or worse), for daring to bail out on him. I think you should arm yourself for a fight. Good luck! He has it coming to him.

Dont think there are any assets.