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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total red flag and I know it

82 replies

Fairyloo · 06/05/2014 06:36

Single and feel so alone. My self esteem has been on the floor for years. I have no respect for self and desperately want a relationship.

Met someone and he is a dick and I know it but can't stop myself seeing him.

Some examples are:

He is single but literally only invites me round for an hour for sex. He literally kicks me out after.

The disregard he has for women describes someone 'as the fat one'

He wants me to have a threesome and literally won't stop going on about it. Like I'm never enough.

He gets very rough during sex. The other day I said something and he mock slapped me and said font ever fucking do that again.

Then last night I made a joke and he text me saying

Don't fucking talk to me again! I fucking mean it!!!

Then when I said it was a joke he text back saying,

I know it was a joke but as punishment you can't speak to me all night

Also he has said he has taped me begging for it (he says) and if I end it he will put it on Facebook

I know I know I know he is an absolute knob but I love the attention and the sex is absolutely fantastic.

I know I'm better then that. I know I deserve a better relationship but in scared that this is all I'll get,

I've known him for a couple of years we do a joint activity in which he is highly regarded in and there was never any evidence of this atall.

Please help me to see the truth in the relationship

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 06/05/2014 06:42

He taped you without your knowledge or consent and is blackmailing you

Thats enough on its own surely to recognise this will not end well.

Please get out and if needs be police re the threat

Costacoffeeplease · 06/05/2014 06:47

Just read your post back as if it was a friend talking about her 'relationship' and hopefully you'll see how unsustainable it is. Stay with him and you'll end up believing you don't deserve any better - get out now

Melonbreath · 06/05/2014 06:48

Stop seeing this guy.

It isn't going to end well so better sooner rather than later.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work

Hikonyan · 06/05/2014 06:50

Run. Seriously.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2014 06:53

You write your self esteem has been on the floor for years; where did this all really start?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Were you abused then too?. What happened to you to get you to this here and now?. Look at your self here really closely, I would suggest counselling to get to the heart of all this properly so you can properly move on.

You can turn this around fairyloo but you need to be brave and seek outside help now.

Do you have DC fairyloo?.

The joint activity you do needs to be done somewhere else, you can never see this man again and you need to cut all contact as of now. Abusers like this person as well are often plausible to those in the outside world, they can be seen as "pillars of the community". Such men hate women, all of them.

You may well know this is all wrong but you have to believe it properly and for your own self.

Love your own self for a change. You likely think that any attention albeit negative is better than none but men like this one will just serve to delay your long needed recovery from such exploitation.

You are leaving yourself wide open to being abused by manipulative men like this one you are currently seeing. He is taking full advantage of your low self worth and is using you accordingly. He is now not beyond attempting to blackmail you as well now so you should now get the police involved.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 today; they can and will help you here.

IDontDoIroning · 06/05/2014 06:54

Red flag - that's a whole string of bunting.
He's a nasty shit, he's obviously using you for sex.
You owe it to yourself to get some self respect and tell him to piss of and is he tries to blackmail you go to the police.

FourForksAche · 06/05/2014 06:55

this guy is a nutter, you're putting yourself in a dangerous situation for some attention? You know this is no good for you.

I'd speak to the police about the blackmail threats.

Casmama · 06/05/2014 06:56

This isn't a relationship- you do know that don't you? It's not going to progress into a relationship either.
What will probably happen is thT he will continue to treat you like a piece of shit and will progress to actually slapping you and worse.
Please don't allow yourself to be destroyed by this man, fantastic sex is great but not if it comes at the price of further damaging your self esteem and putting yourself physically and psychologically at risk.

ArtVandelay · 06/05/2014 06:58

This made my hair stand on end! He sounds like an utter psychopath! Gosh.. you have to get rid. I highly.doubt he'd carry out his threat if he enjoys being 'highly regarded' - it will make him look awful, noone will appreciate hearing that and FB wont allow it. Theres always the police for dealing with his threats. How has he got such a recording? You seem a bit unclear if it is real. Have you been drunk or high? No judgement for that but you must stop making yourself vulnerable around him. He is a horrible nutter - please get away from him before he really hurts you mentally or physically.

Original poster

Fairyloo · 06/05/2014 07:10

No I wasn't drunk or hi.

I have no recollection of him doing it so may be a lie

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 06/05/2014 07:15

I know I know I know he is an absolute knob but I love the attention and the sex is absolutely fantastic

I know I'm better then that. I know I deserve a better relationship but in scared that this is all I'll get

Please help me to see the truth in the relationship

Struggling to get to grips with this... If you know all this, what truth do you need that you don't have already? Walk away and don't look back is a good thing to do!

daisychain01 · 06/05/2014 07:17

You may well know this is all wrong but you have to believe it properly and for your own self

Great advice from Attila

dollius · 06/05/2014 07:18

Jesus.

Run screaming for the hills.

You need to get away from this utter piece of shit.

Original poster

Fairyloo · 06/05/2014 07:23

Daisy chain if it was that easy I wouldn't be asking for help

OP posts:

Betrayedbutsurvived · 06/05/2014 07:25

Dear god woman, Ive read about some arsewipes on here, but this twat takes the prize. Seriously, block his number on your phone, right this instant, and never speak to him again. What a cock!

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 06/05/2014 07:31

You need therapy. He will be who he is. You present yourself as a helpless victim. This is all down to you for accepting it really. What can you do to stop it happening?

ArtVandelay · 06/05/2014 07:39

What help do you think we can give you? Short of one of us ringing him up and telling him to leave you alone, what can we do? All we can do is reiterate how wrong it is and that you should end it.

Do you want to talk about how you came to this point and then maybe we can listen, empathise and help you with how you feel?

The finishing him and blocking him out has to come from you and it sounds like he's fulfilling some sort of need in you so you dont want to end it.

MellowAutumn · 06/05/2014 07:41

This is not a relationship its abuse

Doristhecamel · 06/05/2014 07:42

He won't change for the better EVER.

What are you actually getting out of this? Which bit makes you feel good and respected ans happy?

Get out now before this gets any worse because that is the only way this is going to go.

He is actually blackmailing you. He probably does not have film evidence of you yet. The fact he has come out with this idea probably means he will or could be filming you secretly so don't have sex with him again, use the loo in his place or actually bother having anything to do with him again.

There are laws against both recording without knowledge and blackmail. Get help and get out.

CrispyFern · 06/05/2014 07:52

Most people wouldn't put up with this sort of thing. You are, so you need to work out why, and if you want it to stop, you just stop.

You feel that you need something he provides, validation that your are worthless?
I don't know exactly what it is.

I don't think you do need that thing. It's not good for you. I think you would be healthier with something else - respect, love, that's what people really thrive on. Not the same old patterns of self harm through relationships that damaged people can fall into.
It might seem exciting, it might feel right in some ways, but you know it isn't right. So quit. If you didn't know, there'd be no hope, but you do know.

He isn't going to help you to end things and get yourself better. It's your job.

Googlella · 06/05/2014 07:54

Well done for recognising there's a problem and you need help. Have you anyone in RL who can support you through this? If not, you could see GP or contact womens aid.

Try not to be scared of his threats to put a recording of you on fb. If he did that, HE would be the one to look like a total loser, not you.

Hugs and good luck with a fresh start

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/05/2014 08:10

Please get out of this you just said he is highly thought of in the hobby or activity or work so he is unlikely to risk being hauled over the coals for putting degrading stuff up about you. And if he is rough without your consent during sex then you are putting yourself at some risk.

How do you arrange to meet, by phone or when you see each other at the activity? Is the activity something recreational? Block him and stop attending the activity.

NotNewButNameChanged · 06/05/2014 08:27

OP: "Please help me to see the truth in the relationship"

Um, you've posted a thread with the title 'Total red flag and I know it'. You already know the truth. If you were a guy we'd be saying you were thinking with your crotch because you're putting up with seriously odd and unreasonable behaviour and being abused because the 'very rough' sex is 'absolutely fantastic'.

Sorry, do not get this AT ALL.

fluffyraggies · 06/05/2014 08:29

Lets come at it from this way:
Maybe it would help to say to you that there's nothing wrong with you wanting, enjoying, craving exciting sex. Nothing wrong with having a relationship built just on great sex: Fuck Buddy (horrible phrase).

But not with this guy OP!!! Please.

Mutual respect is the most basic consideration and that's missing here.

Why do you feel like this man is you only option? :(

Catsmamma · 06/05/2014 08:34

so what will it take for you to leave? ....one real slap?? a HARD punch?

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