Total red flag and I know it

[Fairyloo]

Single and feel so alone. My self esteem has been on the floor for years. I have no respect for self and desperately want a relationship.

Met someone and he is a dick and I know it but can't stop myself seeing him.

Some examples are:

He is single but literally only invites me round for an hour for sex. He literally kicks me out after.

The disregard he has for women describes someone 'as the fat one'

He wants me to have a threesome and literally won't stop going on about it. Like I'm never enough.

He gets very rough during sex. The other day I said something and he mock slapped me and said font ever fucking do that again.

Then last night I made a joke and he text me saying

Don't fucking talk to me again! I fucking mean it!!!

Then when I said it was a joke he text back saying,

I know it was a joke but as punishment you can't speak to me all night

Also he has said he has taped me begging for it (he says) and if I end it he will put it on Facebook

I know I know I know he is an absolute knob but I love the attention and the sex is absolutely fantastic.

I know I'm better then that. I know I deserve a better relationship but in scared that this is all I'll get,

I've known him for a couple of years we do a joint activity in which he is highly regarded in and there was never any evidence of this atall.

Please help me to see the truth in the relationship

How do you expect us to help you ?

You have told us already everything that is wrong in this abusive relationship but you want to continue with it

So, crack on

Until you are forced into a threesome or he knocks your teeth out, perhaps ? What then ?

Your post has horrified me. This is not a relationship. This is abuse. I am sorry that you have so little self esteem that you consider this the only way to validate yourself as a person. Please cut ties with this man before he escalates his abuse. You know yourself that what he is doing is very very wrong yet you would rather be with him as opposed to being alone. Really? Read back your post.

This is one of the most frightening opening posts I have read on here. I agree with others saying that this isn't a relationship. It's a sustained assault and abuse. It's not about love or respect or fun sex, it's about control and power and damage. "Red flag" is seriously minimising what's going on here.

I was under the impression a red flag was like an indication that something could be wrong? Well something IS wrong. This fucker is vile. There's nothing wrong with rough or vigorous sex if both of you enjoy it but he has seen it as a green light to be disrespectful and degrading. There's something fundamentally wrong with someone who gets his kicks out of treating people like shit.

Op I have been in your shoes, I was with a man who treated me almost exactly like you describe being treated. My self esteem was also on the floor, and whilst I wanted more I just didn't have the strength to walk away for quite some time.

I think your posting for help because it's coming to a point where you recognise you need to walk away. Do you have dc?

When my self worth is low, I try and think about myself as a separate entity (bear with me!) so I think of my ds, who is amazing, and I think of how I would like his mum to be treated - and it's easy, because someone like my ds deserves his mum to have a happy, content life, so I can make decisions to reflect that. I hope that faking it till I make it will work, but until then atleast I'm making good decisions.

So who do you have in your life to help? Dc? Your someone's daughter? Friend? You deserve to be happy, and not blackmailed or treated as if you are disposable.

I have had a lot of psychotherapy and counselling and I can recognise patterns and side step them now, please go and see your doctor and ask for some counselling. You need some real life support. I hope posting here is the first step for you, good luck.

Why are you using him to self harm by proxy?

You know he is abusive he will hit you, yet you don't want to end it. You are addicted to the treatment you are getting.

You need to go no contact with him. Get a new number, block him whatever it takes. Should he threaten you with reprisals such as the fb video tell him you will report him to the police for blackmail and or threatening behaviour.

Get yourself to a counsellor either via your gp or self refer. You need to stay single until you have worked this through and can enforce boundaries to protect yourself and form healthy relationships.

Staying will only hurt you more.

He sounds really dangerous, if he is treating you like this already what will happen if you keep going back? it sounds like he has no respect for women in general and I be worried about your safety if you keep going back to him.

It is up to you but I wouldn't risk my life for good sex.

Anyfucker I don't want you to help me.

I am scared and have nowhere to turn

fairyloo you're doing the right thing talking about it, it's a great first step.

what happens next is in your hands. what do you want to do?

I think that going no contact and not being intimidated by the blackmail threat is good solid advice.

Don't be scared Fairyloo. I think you have already done the hardest thing by taking this first step.

What would happen if you just went completely non-contact? Can you explain to us what you think would happen?

OP you've just told AF you don't want her to help you but as I pointed out in my first posting, your original post ends with "Please help me to see the truth in the relationship"

We're doing that. All of us. In one big voice.

Now you tell us you're scared and have nowhere to run. Why do you need to run? You don't live with the guy, because you've already told us you go round to his for sex. You can stop going round to his, you can not return his calls or texts and you can drop out of the joint activity you do together. And have nothing to do with him again. If you are worried then tell other people - you must have some friends, possibly others who do this joint activity you do with this fucker.

Then get yourself some counselling.

Counseling is definitely the way to go. Until you value yourself a bit more, you'll always end up in situations like this and there are plenty of lowlife pieces of shit like this bloke ready to take advantage.
You say you love the attention but you'll have to forego that while you sort yourself out. If you don't, then if someone comes along in the future who wants to treat you properly and with respect, you won't want it because you'll feel that you don't deserve it.

I'm dumbfounded to be honest. What do you want to be told here? How do you want to be helped to 'see the truth in this relationship' when you already know what that truth is? You've described it for us perfectly. We can all see it based on your description. Read what you've written again .. and then ask yourself how you would respond to that if someone else had written it?

He's more than a 'total knob' - he's a dangerous controlling misogynist pig, violent during sex, verbally abusive, treats women like total and utter shit, and the icing on the cake is the blackmail threat - and your response to this is that you 'love the attention and the sex is fantastic'.

If you want to be treated as a piece of meat, kicked out after he's fucked you, abused physically and mentally then carry on 'loving the attention'.

But if you've got an ounce of common sense left, then tell this this fucker to fuck right off. If he threatens blackmail again then go to the police.

The only power he has over you is the power you are giving him. In fact, you are handing it to him on a plate.

This isn't something you are forced or obliged to do. You're not married to him, you don't live with him and you are going into this voluntarily, by choice, every time you let him abuse you. I'm sorry but the 'I've got low self esteem and I can't help myself' response doesn't cut it. If you allow yourself to be treated like this then it's no wonder you've got low self esteem. It's going to get a fucking sight lower if you continue to let this fucker abuse you, and then shit all over you afterwards.

You can stop yourself seeing him if you want to, but do you really want to - that's the underlying issue here?

Fairyloo, do you know what took away your self esteem?
You do sound very vulnerable, and no woman (no child, no man) deserves to feel they have to trade themselves for love and attention.

I can see that you sense the danger here and know that it is because of your self esteem issues, and it is good and strong tht you have acknowledged this, because otherwise, if you don't use this knowledge to rescue yourself, you may well end up giving your life away - your self control, your friendships, your livelihood, your safety, your sense of who you are, and potentially your actual life to this man.

He sounds perverted, controlling and / or dangerous.

You can get free counselling via your GP, or talk to Women's Aid. You are definitely in an abusive situation. Or pick up the phone and talk with the Samaritans, as a start! If you can afford it pay for counselling.

It must be hard to relate the details of your encounters with this man - well done - keep moving forward, don't retreat into the isolated world of fear and abuse that he is building for you.

You are a strong and lovely woman - my guess is that someone or something took away your ability to believe that. If it was family background you might find understanding support on the Stately Homes thread. There are also organisations that support survivors of types of violence and assault.

You're scared this is all you'll get?

Well, yes, you're absolutely right. If you stay with him this IS all you'll get - and I would imagine it'll only get worse.

You're wasting your time and preventing yourself from finding a real, happy relationship.

You don't need us to tell you what you need to do. The blackmail is bollocks - it would only do him harm, not you.

You deserve better - good luck OP.

He's taking advantage of your vulnerability and being a grade A shit to boot!
STOP calling him
STOP shagging him
STOP talking to him
Just STOP!

He is so not worth it and you deserve a thousand times more! Can't believe men like him exist in the human world!

No offence OP but you've found yourself a prize nutcase and are allowing him to treat you like shit, until YOU decide you've had enough then nothing will change, in fact, he does sound a bit dangerous, I'd be worried for my safety.

Is there nobody in RL you can confide in?

He has no feelings or kindness towards you whatsoever, you're a play thing that he abuses, that's it, you MUST realise you are worth more than that.

I love the attention

Which bit of the attention? The being thrown out after sex? The being "mock" slapped? The blackmail? The complete lack of respect? Yeah, he's really a keeper.

My self-esteem has never been great but you have to see that this made is a grade A oven-ready cunt. So the sex is good - get yourself a vibrator.

This man. not made.

Urgghhh!!!

Vile man. Sorry x

And in the event that he does post a recording of you "begging for it" on Facebook, hold your head up. Say yes, that was before I got wise to you. I wouldn't beg now if it was covered in chocolate. Everyone will see him for the turd he is if he posts something like that.

Of course he isn't going to post anything sexual on facebook.

That is utter bullshit. Op, you say you're scared. What exactly are you scared of?

Can you explain what you mean by you have nowhere to run?

No flags necessary, this man has revealed himself to be completely fucking vile. Please cut all contact now, it's not going to end well. You deserve better.

Hope you're OK OP. Don't be scared away by the force of the replies. I think most posters are angry for you, not with you. And a lot of us know just how hard it can be to walk away from even the shittest of relationships.

But you know in your heart what you have to do and the best way to do that is to go NC. Block on FB, block on phone, block everything and walk away. When youve done thatyou can feel proud that you saw the flags, acted on it decisively, and saved yourself more heartache.

Then take that pride in yourself forward and know that you can make the right decision and you did make the right decision because you are worth far far more than this twat of a man is giving you.

Good luck. Come back and talk

Some people enjoy bring sexually humiliated. Is it possible OP that you've enjoyed it but now it's going too far? As everyone else has said you can stop this now, and I strongly recommend you do before it goes any further.