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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ExP rebound relationship on rocky ground!

30 replies

louby44 · 05/05/2014 07:26

As many of you know I split with exP last Dec. He quickly met someone and he moved out and then in together in February. Our house is up for sale with little interest. He has claimed to be wonderfully happy but deep down I knew it wasn't really true. We were together for 6 years, mostly happy!

This weekend they had gone to stay with friends as it was the ArmyVNavy Rugby at Twickenham, something we did a few times as a couple. I thought about them all weekend, having a fab time and wishing I was with them, but busied myself and got on with stuff!

Yesterday afternoon I had a text off him saying "I took the wrong person to the rugby, it should have been you!"

I was shocked and he spent the next hour texting me that:

his gf and he had got seperated on the train back to London on Saturday, she went mental & blamed him & got her ex to drive 2 hours to come & fetch her in the middle of the night!
he still has feelings for me, he misses the stuff we used to do together
he should have made more of an effort to work things through, he wishes he'd made time to go for counselling like we discussed
he has little in common with his new gf
he's getting medical help for depression

She was packing stuff up to move out yesterday but I think they have now talked things through and made up!

I was utterly shocked at all of his revelations. There I was living my own little nightmare, getting through my life,trying to date again and believing he was in a happier place and he isn't at all.

I should be gloating but I just feel very bloody sad!

OP posts:

akaWisey · 05/05/2014 07:35

It's a good sign that you're not gloating not even a little bit and a good sign you feel sad.

What he's said in his texts sound like a variation of 'poor me, please feel sorry for me Louby' Given they've split up and got back together within hours it doesn't sound like relationship heaven, more a rebound that's taking its course. What are you going to do?

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 07:41

wisey I'm not going to do anything. He's still with her. He treated me pretty badly towards the end. I know it was because his pride had taken a dent, he was hurting and angry.

I still love him, part of me always will. But it's made me feel very strange!

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 05/05/2014 07:43

Don't get drawn in, he sounds like a drama llama. Move on and leave them to it.

akaWisey · 05/05/2014 07:47

Well that's good too, best to leave him to it. I imagine he was surprised by how it felt to take someone else somewhere you'd both have gone to, had an attack of the rose tinted glasses (in the context of a fading relationship) and wanted to dump it on you.

I know what it's like to still love someone who's not there any more though. Often wondered if I'd react with glee…..I guess it's part of loving him still that makes you feel sad. But you're moving on .

lunar1 · 05/05/2014 07:48

I remember your threads, don't go back there! Re-read your posts if you need reminding why you split.

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 07:57

My family and friends would never speak to me again if I went there!

He is a fool, he knows he has lost something wonderful. We shared so much and it could have been put right with some counselling and talking!

He says he's stopped doing all the things he used to do when we were together reading, walking, photography.

His/our friends sat him down yesterday (after she had bolted) and talked to him at length about what is going on. They are supporting him. He needs help, he has many issues that he needs to face up to.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2014 07:57

I hope you replied 'You're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit'.... ? Seriously, you are not this man's friend, confidante or counsellor. He has to be consigned to the past for you to move on properly. To avoid him dumping more 'poor me' crap on you reduce contact with him to the bare minimum, preferably zero.

Pinkballoon · 05/05/2014 07:59

Agree with MuttonCadet, don't get drawn in. You could also end up being his counsellor (for this relationship) if you show sympathy. Let his relationship with her run its course (long bank holiday weekends throw people together don't they?? :) )

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 08:01

You're right cogito I know that. We are still linked financially so do have to communicate sometimes.

I have not contacted him at all other than to discuss our house sale. I've been doing so well too, don't want to go back to that dark place!

OP posts:

Anonynony · 05/05/2014 08:08

Sounds very similar to the situation with my ex, he met someone in December and things got very serious very fast but now that I'm over it and moving on he does the exact same as your ex.

Yet he hasn't the balls to end something he's clearly not happy in but is still putting the feelers out there for me! Yawn! You're well rid!

WhotheWhat · 05/05/2014 08:17

lost something wonderful

just keep an eye on romanticising your actual past relationship. Wasn't he the one who was a shit to your kids? That's stayed with me so make sure it stays with you.

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 08:21

He was shit to them! It's so good not to be walking around on eggshells anymore and I remember that everyday.

But our relationship as a couple was good. It was his relationship with my DS (and his DD sometimes) that he struggled with.

I've just re-read my posts from Dec/Jan and it all comes flooding back. That's why I've posted on here as I knew you MNers would make me see the light!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 05/05/2014 08:32

I'm sorry this will sound harsh - but I think it's worth saying. And of course you didn't go running, so well done you.

He only texted you because she dumped him.

He didn't go with her, have a good time but realise he would have had a great time with you, and APOLOGISE.

No, she dumped him, he put out a feeler to flatter you.

Well done for not going running, but I prefer the response given above - mistaking you for someone who gives a shit.

Cabrinha · 05/05/2014 08:33

And you haven't lost something wonderful. You've lost an arsehole who thinks it's OK to use you as a prop the second his girlfriend dumps him. I'd let that stay lost, if I were you. What a prick.

OnaPromise · 05/05/2014 08:45

I doubt they got separated on the train. They have had a row and fallen out. Or he has been a knob and doesn't want to say.Then he has tried to hedge his bets. Stay strong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/05/2014 08:50

Be careful OP. You're in a vulnerable position.

Could have, would have, should have. He is quite prepared to say what he thinks you'd like to hear.

I'm glad you didn't respond but whatever issues he needs to face up to don't let him scuttle back to you and cherry pick the best bits of six years to play on your heart strings.

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 09:04

Thank you everyone! For keeping me grounded.

What woman gets her ex to drive 2 hours to come and fetch her?? What woman moves her 4 year old son in with a man she's only known a matter of weeks. What man lets her?

He did a lot of comparing me to her in the texts. There is no comparison. he knows he's fucked up big style. He said sorry 4 times in his texts. I bet he hasn't told her he's been in contact with me!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2014 09:07

Why on earth are you getting huffy about the woman? He's the one giving you the sob story and angling for a fanjo to cry on....

WildBill · 05/05/2014 09:09

I would only have sent one text in reply - something along the lines of.....

'I'm not interested in your relationship issues, please don't bother me again'.

He made his choice, if it doesn't work out too bad. Don't get caught up in thier dramas.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/05/2014 09:10

He treated me pretty badly towards the end. I know it was because his pride had taken a dent, he was hurting and angry.

Hmm, he treated you badly because he chose to do so. Not because his pride had taken a dent.

It's easier with you, as you fall for the same old shit. Whereas perhaps the new woman doesn't.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2014 09:15

Well done louby, for keeping your dignity! Proud of you after your terrible breakup you have moved forward a long way. I know you must be feeling awful as your relationship together had been happy at a point in time.

I wouldnt be drawn by him to make any comment whatsoever, even when you need to talk finances, keep it to that. And if he wants you to talk about the contents of his text and the latest drama, maybe just bat it away saying "I don't have anything to say, thats your business". He may want to engage you but you can choose not to...

Yes its schadenfreude no doubt about it!

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 09:34

It's easier with you, as you fall for the same old shit - no but I don't, that's why the relationship ended, I was constantly battling against the shit! He didn't like it, that I stood up to him and didn't just take it like his previous partners did

That's why the relationship lasted so long because we were equal and I didn't take any shit from him! I think he actually prefers a less dominating woman!

OP posts:

Original poster

louby44 · 05/05/2014 09:38

Daisy, thanks - I have always tried to be dignified throughout it all. Hard not to be drawn in when you're curious about him/her and how he's feeling! It's knocked me for six knowing he isn't living in this perfect bubble that I thought he was in.

No doubt they will have talked things through, had a make-up shag and normal service will be resumed. I know how it works!

schadenfreude had to look it up lol

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 05/05/2014 09:48

Schadenfreude is my fave word! Its the quiet inner secret smile you can have when you find out that someone gets whats due to them for being a complete shit and it's nothing you have been involved in

Those moments dont happen often in life but when they do, they are like gold dust!

daisychain01 · 05/05/2014 09:54

It really get me how people come out with that vague inane guff about "I still have feelings for you" what a load of tosh, and just talk.

A friend of mine recently got dumped by their partner of 2 years for the second time and told me she said to him that "i still have strong feelings for you". I had to bite my tongue not to ask why she needed to embellish things by coming out with crap like that! Maybe to deal with a guilty conscience ...

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