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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Close to a breakdown!

46 replies

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 14:24

Can I have some advice please????
I have been with my partner for a year. He's asked me at times what my ring size is, says he wants to live with me kids etc.
Lately he has changed. He was saving to buy a house but WONT move in with me and shortly he will have to move home and won't have anywhere else to go.
I mentioned getting engaged and he freaked after HE used to talk about it!
he's been engaged before and regrettably I always throw that in his face and that he lived with his ex.
I tried to talk to him about our future and he started swearing and said I'm being miserable and ruining things!
He even said he wants a baby but then I would potentially be a single mum with 2 kids if he doesn't know what he wants.
Should I cut my losses and leave? I'm not happy I feel after a year ( plus he always stays at my house), we could at least try living together.
Am I being unreasonable????

OP posts:

knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 14:58

No, you aren't being unreasonable. Do not allow him to share your home or move in with him. I'd leave him but it's your choice

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 15:18

Thank u xxx
I know you're right and I do love him but I think he's still in love with his ex :/
I felt bad he used to ask my ring size...got my hopes up x

OP posts:

Lweji · 03/05/2014 15:21

He sounds like a mindfucker, actually.
Indirect references to keep you hooked, then wanting space.
Leave.

He may have realised he didn't love you as he thought at first, but then he should have ended it.

LEMmingaround · 03/05/2014 15:23

Its only been a year though. I would have a conversation about that he wants long term. If it is false promises and blethering youll know to move on. Was with my dp 5 years before we moved in together.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2014 16:04

He's been stringing you along so that he can live in your house, sorry. Won't be at all surprised if you say he doesn't contribute much for the privilege.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/05/2014 16:26

He's doing his best to make you end the relationship so he won't feel like an arsehole for doing it. No-one wanting a long-term relationship would be behaving like this.

Cut him loose and wave him goodbye

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 16:45

You're right he doesn't contribute. I'm in love with him and don't want to end it but it's right, it's like he is pushing me to do it x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2014 17:02

There's a lovely MN word for a man such as you describe and it's 'cocklodger'. Spins whatever tale is necessary to get himself free bed and board and either stays put with his feet under the table until rumbled, or moves on when he finds another dupe to provide the same services. Please don't be taken for a fool

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 17:19

You're right, Cogito. It's painful to admit.... I love him so much it hurts so bad :(
am I wrong to feel bad he was engaged to and lived with his ex? that seems to drive him mental for some reason. I can't help but think I'll never be as good as her.
I'm only early 30s but I feel like I'm ready to settle down...obviously he gas other ideas x

OP posts:

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 17:19

*has lol

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2014 17:25

You're being manipulated every which way here, including the part about making you feel bad for bringing up the ex fiancée. He goes 'mental', you feel inadequate and then you back off on the whole marriage thing for a bit. It's nasty and it's deliberate.

It may hurt to hear this stuff but he is using you, has no intention of marriage, babies etc and you're wasting your time and your affection. Be assertive and lose this user.

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 17:34

I need to be strong and move on. It's that stupid old thing that you think that you can "change" him. He has a history of telling his exes the same thing.....marriage kids etc x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2014 17:42

Take a tip from an old-timer .... love someone for who they are and how they are not some fantasy of what you think they could be with a bit of work. People don't change. 'Love' is not enough. Be strong, tell him to get lost and learn from the experience.

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 17:49

I'm mad at myself for comparing myself to his ex! I'm so pathetic! x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2014 17:54

Not pathetic... manipulated. Big difference. It's keen you're looking for someone to love, settle down and have kids with. Nothing wrong with that except that, if you come across as desperate, you are easy prey for a cocklodging user. Be mad at him & not yourself.

tipsytrifle · 03/05/2014 18:05

You really do know what's going on here .. you've described it as if you do. Cogito's comments make perfect sense in response to what you already know. I'm thinking you also know what comes next .. in your own time ...

He repeats his own cycle and for now you've allowed yourself to be part of it. I don't think it will be long before you question if this really is love or some other kind of attachment that might well be about to expire its usefulness to your well-being ...

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 18:34

I just feel stupid for falling for it. I feel so stupid I really do. I let myself fall in love and that's made it worse x

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 03/05/2014 19:02

Odessa please don't feel stupid .. i bet your stupid doesn't compare with mine anyway .. pffft .. i have stupid down to a fine art so you're no competition in that regard *heh

Truth is women care so much, too much, absorb every shock and exploitation going and make the best of it. To some degree it's Nature, to some degree it's social conditioning to just lap it all up and call it Love. It isn't. It really isn't.This situation is not reasonable .. soooo ...

What do you want to do about it?

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 19:11

If I had a magic wand I would make him love me and realise that he won't get anyone who could love him as much. But that's pure fantasy.
I'm not happy at the end of the day. Though he doesn't care so y should I?x

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 03/05/2014 19:38

You have your own place, right? Then really i think you should relish the luxury of being set-up and independent.

The trouble with magic wands and spells twisting stuff to fit our desires, it can all go awry. I think this guy is a bit of a back-fire to start with. In a surprisingly few deep breaths you might surprise yourself and be free of him ... what do you think?

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 21:08

OP posts:

Original poster

Odessa88 · 03/05/2014 21:09

I do really love him but I no deep down its not right and I deserve better. I'm no super model but I wish he wud wake up and realise he won't get anyone who would love him as much x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2014 10:09

Oh please. Enough with the 'I'm no supermodel' self-deprecating stuff. You're not in a rom com here, this is real life. You don't earn any guy's love or respect by letting them walk all over you, whining about being plain, and then clinging to their metaphorical ankles declaring undying love. All that will ever earn you is contempt. Backbone, love. Backbone!!!!

Original poster

Odessa88 · 04/05/2014 10:18

I know and you're absolutely right. It's just so much worse because I did fall so deeply in love with him. And this sounds ridiculous but it's harder because he gave someone everything, loved them etc. then there were me and other girls who got nothing but the shitty side of him.
It just makes you look at yourself and think we'll what's wrong with me??? Stupid :(
I need rid but it's really damaged how I feel about myself x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/05/2014 10:31

You'll feel more damaged the longer you let this go on, unfortunately. If you really want that happy family of a DH and kids, you're not going to find them while you waste your time on this guy. Tick-tock... tick-tock... Take control and your confidence can start to rebuild. Don't you have someone IRL who will encourage you to get shot and stop you back-sliding?

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