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Original poster

Help me make this decision...

107 replies

knowledgeispower · 02/05/2014 11:04

I have posted previously about my p and came to the conclusion that I have a cocklodger on my hands.

I have recently told my family that I want to end the relationship and move to be nearer to them. I got very emotional and my mum was concerned.

So here is my problem. I have decided to leave and have been looking at houses nearer (about 300 miles away) to where my family and friends are. I have found one and been offered it. I need to make a decision by the end of today. I'm not sure I can face the upheaval of a big move but the house is really lovely and a member of my family went to view it on my behalf yesterday.

It all seems so sudden as I'd have 4 weeks to get everything sorted and tell p its over. Then on top of that I'm concerned about dd starting a new school (year 5) and making new friends etc.

I have been very tearful today. I don't know whether to take the bull by the horns and just go for it. Or hang back spilt with p and then deal with a move later on. What would you do?

OP posts:
ExCinnamon · 03/05/2014 06:53

And do kick him out now. He has his own place, that's where he should be from now on. I hope you don't consider letting him stay at yours until you move.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 06:54

I know your right Cinnamon. I just can't keep living a lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 06:58

He is going to pack all his stuff (there's a lot) as I'm not doing it. There is so much stuff here that's his including a fridge freezer. He said he will 'stay out of the way'.

OP posts:
ExCinnamon · 03/05/2014 07:05

To be honest, I would happily pack all his stuff, put it outside the door and tell him it's there to collect. See it as a final decluttering and cleansing session. Even better that he's out for the day. No chance of him wheedling money out of you.
Don't forget to tell him to hand his key over when he gets his stuff.

I would even consider changing the locks, you can put the old ones back in before you move. I know it's an expense, but he might let himself in and take stuff/money from you because when you are out.

ExCinnamon · 03/05/2014 07:07

because he will try and get the most out of you while he still can...

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 08:43

Why do I feel so tearful all the time? I thought that I'd be so happy. I feel like there's a massive dark cloud of uncertainty hanging over me. Just wish I could wave a magic wand and it would all go away and I'd be in my new house.

OP posts:
SoFishy · 03/05/2014 08:55

I think it's difficult when he's still in your face and making you feel guilty (even if he's not trying to). I think he needs to be out, stuff or no stuff. He can stay at his and move his stuff during the day. You need your fresh start mentally and emotionally with it being just you and DD.

Make it clear you are out for the day, the stuff must all be gone and keys returned, and him gone, when you get back, and yes I would change the locks too.

SoFishy · 03/05/2014 08:57

The uncertainty is because you have made a huge change to your situation, but you've done the right thing. It's just hard when you're in the limbo bit between your old life and your new one. Your sense of security will all build up again.

Brew
AwfulMaureen · 03/05/2014 09:04

You feel like there's a black cloud over you because many people don't like change....it's HARD to change your life in the way you're about to but it WILL lift. The pay back will be the exhilaration that you feel when you begin to settle down in your new home.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 09:11

Thank you Sofishy and you are right. However, he's not here and went out at 7am (pre arranged, can't say too much as I don't want to be identified) I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible with regard to his stuff as I need to see what I have left to pack etc. Then there's the mental side as you say.

Me and dd are off out on a girls day now Smile

Thank you all so much for your wise words as yesterday I was such a mess I could feel myself backtracking Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 09:12

Thank you Maureen Thanks I hope so Smile

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 03/05/2014 10:11

I know it....you don't get something for nothing and it works both ways...so periods of upheaval and upset are usually followed by the positive version of that.

I know a few kids that changed school in year 5 and they were just fine.x

Clutterbugsmum · 03/05/2014 12:19

Don't leave it to him to pack his stuff as it will be another excuse as to why he can't move out, or at least give him the deadline of all his stuff to be reomved from your house by Friday 9th May if you want to be nice.

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 14:20

Think of it like this: right now, you are in the middle of the worst bit (you've just told him and are dealing with the upset; you face the move in the days ahead etc etc)- and yet you are still doing okay. You have so much to look forward to: independence, greater happiness, your family and friends being close, the opportunity to be alone if you wish or to find someone who does make you feel fulfilled, rather than that awful feeling of feeling trapped or 'making do'. You have got to this stage because he simply wasn't right for you, and continuing to work away on something that isn't the right fit for you will never be as fulfilling as doing what you are doing now: actively seeking a better, happier life for yourself.

Eight years ago, I left an ex who I'd been with for years. I was terrified of being on my own and of the change. It was amazing how much happier I immediately became.

Also, now is a great time for your dd to start a new school: it's nearly the end of the academic year, so it's not in the middle of the curriculum. She has all of the school hols to settle at home and play with friends she meets at the end of this term.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 15:12

Redroom, thank you so much. I'm off again now crying!! It's such a massive change again and I feel so sad for what could have been. I think that's it.

At the moment I'm fluctuating between being excited and feeling overwhelming sadness/ tearful.

On top of that I've got a lot of organising to do!

OP posts:
Jux · 03/05/2014 18:04

It's completely normal to mourn for what could have been; it didn't amount to very much though in the end, so you are sad about that, sad about the loss of potential, the time you spent hoping and fighting for what you wanted, all those things. It was a could have been though, nothing more, and that will always be the case for you two - it doesn't work. So you are wise in calling it a day, even though it is heartbreaking to give up the hope you had invested in him.

Just remember that you will soon be free to invest your hope and optimism and energy into people and endeavours which are rewarding and fulfilling, instead of throwing all your loveliness away.

Be sad, it's natural; but then comes hope... Smile

You will be fine.

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 18:28

Aww, don't cry! I'm sorry!

It is a big change, but it is a necessary one. You are making a change in order to give the 'future you' a happier life, because sticking with things as they are is what has been making you unhappy. You would only have months and years of feeling the same ahead of you. This is about you realising that you have one life, and deciding to alter things so that negative, depressing elements are removed from it.

You feel sad for what could have been because you are a decent person and can imagine a very different life where your partner is much more like the man you wish he was. It can be hard to walk away when you keep thinking that if only a, b and c were a bit different, you'd be happy.

You gave things a good chance: you didn't just give up and walk away. If you try hard and things still don't work, it's because part of the solution is beyond your reach. You can't make him the DP that you want: he can only be himself.

You are so close to a happier life with friends and family around, a lovely house and your DD is still little enough to make life long childhood friends. Remind yourself of how you felt at the worse of times recently- you said you wished your relationship was all over. You won't be feeling that.

Instead, you will be open to dating new men, and meeting someone kind, attentive, loving, and more suited to you.

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 18:29

Sorry, that post is full of errors!

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 20:03

Thanks Jux and Redroom. Such lovely words and wise too!

Me and dd had a lovely day today just the two of us.

He's actually being really proactive and its organising himself. He is still upset but can see why I'm doing what I am.

Hope this lasts until his stuff is shifted.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 04/05/2014 08:25

He said last night: 'so there is no hope for us, at all?' I replied: 'no there isn't, all hope has gone and I can't live like this anymore'

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 04/05/2014 08:27

This was followed by a positive conversation about practical things we need to deal with.

I'm sat in bed crying again and dd is watching a film. I really hope I have the strength not to back track.

OP posts:
RedRoom · 04/05/2014 11:03

If you find yourself thinking of backtracking, remind yourself that it is only because the familiar, however, awful, can be less daunting than the unknown. Look at your other posts and think back to your experiences with him: remind yourself of why you are doing this. It's because this life you are leading is not the more happy, fulfilled life that you are capable of, and you don't want to throw potential opportunities to meet more a suitable partner away.

This man makes you happy some of the time. At other times, he makes you miserable. That's not enough.

RedRoom · 04/05/2014 11:03

*to throw away

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 04/05/2014 11:17

Go go GO

pilates · 04/05/2014 11:35

KIP it sounds like you have made the right decision, think of the positives, near family/friends and DD's father. I'm sure you will look back in 6 months and realise this. Good luck and all the best.