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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me make this decision...

107 replies

knowledgeispower · 02/05/2014 11:04

I have posted previously about my p and came to the conclusion that I have a cocklodger on my hands.

I have recently told my family that I want to end the relationship and move to be nearer to them. I got very emotional and my mum was concerned.

So here is my problem. I have decided to leave and have been looking at houses nearer (about 300 miles away) to where my family and friends are. I have found one and been offered it. I need to make a decision by the end of today. I'm not sure I can face the upheaval of a big move but the house is really lovely and a member of my family went to view it on my behalf yesterday.

It all seems so sudden as I'd have 4 weeks to get everything sorted and tell p its over. Then on top of that I'm concerned about dd starting a new school (year 5) and making new friends etc.

I have been very tearful today. I don't know whether to take the bull by the horns and just go for it. Or hang back spilt with p and then deal with a move later on. What would you do?

OP posts:
Rogerthatmummy · 02/05/2014 17:58

Think of it this way- in four weeks you'll be completely free of him. Just imagine that relief and the weight lifting from your shoulders as you go to bed on the first night in your own home.

Jux · 02/05/2014 18:43

Good luck, it's the right thing to do. How exciting!

Of course you feel you owe him something - that's his metier! That's how he's managed to be a cocklodger, by making you feel sorry for him and guilt-tripping you into keeping him.

Grab the opportunity to shake yourself free with both hands (and feet) and don't look back. You and your dd are worth so much more, and deserve to get it too. But it won't be from him.

He won't change. Don't forget that.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 02/05/2014 19:02

Bang on Cog! (That's what I keep telling myself)

I was feeling guilty earlier on as he came in and has just cooked tea for me and dd whilst I'm laid out on the sofa with a banging headache.

Rogerthatmummy and jux that's what I've been thinking about! My first night in my new home. I'll be on my own as mum is having dd for a few nights so I can sort everything out and start on the unpacking.

Just the final furlong to go and I'm staying single for a long long time!!

OP posts:
Jux · 02/05/2014 20:17

Oh yes, don't go jumping into anything too soon. Hope you don't mind, but I've read a couple of your other threads now, and really think you would benefit hugely from doing the Freedom Programme before you look at another relationship.

You can have such a good life and be a fantastic example for dd of what a strong independent grounded woman is. Go for it with your head held high.

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/05/2014 21:00

I'm late to this but wanted to add, my sister did a similar thing, moving back to England from NI last year with her two DC. And escaping a shitty (at best) and controlling relationship.

She has a beautiful home which she rents, her DC go to a lovely school, they live in a really nice village and we (me, bro, parents, friends etc) all see them regularly.

It was hard. She ended up fleeing in secret two weeks before the planned date and leaving a note. Not grear but as a result of his behaviour. But now, 6 months on, her life is turned around and on the up. Yes she gets hassle from the Ex but its by text and shes miles away.

Good luck OP and go for it!

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 02/05/2014 21:13

Of course I don't mind Jux, the other thread I posted was 'Struggling to tell him it's over...' or something like that. I have commented on many other threads and mentioned my circumstances. I will most certainly be looking into that as well as going to my old gp to look into counselling for self esteem issues. Thank you for your wise words.

Wow!! Nottalotta, your sister sounds so brave. What a wonderful outcome.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/05/2014 21:15

Going is the best decision. Best of luck!

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/05/2014 21:48

She didn't feel brave knowledge she was crapping herself. She would laugh now if she heard someone call her brave! He went out for the day. She took the children and what they could take on the flight. (not much) and left. She was almost 'home' (to our parents) by the time he saw her note.

But it was best for her, and for the childdren. They are ALL so much happier.

Again, good luck. Stay strong!

BigPawsBrown · 02/05/2014 21:58

In a month you'll feel so ready, you won't want to wait another day

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 02/05/2014 23:05

I've told him, he's in bits.

OP posts:
ladygracie · 02/05/2014 23:11

I'm sorry, I haven't read your other threads but I wanted to acknowledge your update. Well done for telling him, that must have been difficult.
Keep picturing what your life will be like in a couple of months time to keep yourself strong. You have made the right decision.
He is entitled to be upset & I'm sure you are too but remember why you made the decision you made. Stay strong.

IWillIfHeWill · 02/05/2014 23:17

You've made the best decision you could, for yourself and your child. He's had plenty of time to be other than a cocklodger, and didn't. So... what choice did you have? Sacrifice yourself and dd, or move on? Off you go. Wishing you all the best.

OvertiredandConfused · 02/05/2014 23:52

Well done OP. I've had a busy day and work then went straight out. Just got home and logged on to see if there was an update from you.

I'm sure it must be so hard right now, but just keep the goal in sight.

Does your DD know yet?

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 00:19

I'm in bed now and he's on the sofa, I can count on one hand the number of times we have shared a bed in the last 2.5 years. I'm so sad even though I know it's for the best. I've been so unhappy for so long, at times I've been so low I just wanted it to end.

The whole 'telling him' thing was easier than expected as he no longer has me in a 'grasp' psychologically. He was shocked at first then crying. Saying he's useless etc and I didn't deserve this. He's been the more honest with me tonight than in years.

dd does know I told her this afternoon. She got a bit tearful then after a chat and a big hug is excited about her new bigger room. She said she'll miss him and that we should have a long distance relationship Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 00:24

How have I let it come to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 00:26

I hate seeing someone in this much pain. I know I will look back on this and be glad I took the chance. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

OP posts:
IWillIfHeWill · 03/05/2014 00:49

i know what you mean. hurting someone is terrible. but you need to get away. you made that decision for good reasons.

Aussiebean · 03/05/2014 01:21

Is he upset at the idea of losing you and dd it at losing his meal ticket?

Aussiebean · 03/05/2014 01:21

Or not it

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 06:12

I think he is genuinely upset about losing me and dd but in a panic money wise too as he is mentioning money related aspects too.

I know I need to do this but what if I'm making a mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 06:31

I feel sick with worry.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2014 06:36

DO NOT give this man money! He is not your dependent. There are lots of reasons why one adult may morally owe another money but I doubt very much whether any of these apply here. You are doing the right thing for you and DD, and Mr Cocklodger will soon find another host. The time for his tears to mean anything would have been long before you reached the end of your tether.

It's right and decent to care about another human being in distress, but you don't feed a crocodile your arm just because it's weeping. Do you?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2014 06:38

It's a big move, but it's towards, not away from, your support network and that will ease it all.

Original poster
knowledgeispower · 03/05/2014 06:47

Thank you Annie. He said that too. That he should have stopped burying his head in the sand. I have unfortunately offered some help but he has declined it.

He says it's his problem. He's very upset and says he doesn't know how he will face dd this evening. He is out all day today (pre planned) and me and dd are off out on a girls day.

OP posts:
ExCinnamon · 03/05/2014 06:50

Of course he will be shocked. His nice and cosy set up is about to blow up.

You are about to leave Mr Negativity behind. You can do it!

A new part of your life is about to begin, that's always scary. But at the bottom of your heart you know this is the right thing.

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