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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help - do I even have a way out?

69 replies

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:00

I'm pretty sad right now, I get up at 6.30 to go to work before DD wakes up and i have a 4 hour commute each day - an 8 hour day in the office with a max of 30 minutes break. So home, dd to bath/bed, house admin, tidying, dinner cooked and next thing it's 9,30 and i'm worn out, no time ever for gym/yoga/friends - weekends are spent doing housework and looking after DD, no family or anyone to babysit so no nights out or anything. TBH I want to spend weekends making up to DD for the time i'm not there during the week.

I feel so gutted that if i'm lucky mon-fri i see DD for a max of 30 minutes, OH say's i have no choice that i have to pay for 50% of the mortgage and bills (we earn around the same but he works locally).
The house isn't in my name at all but i paid 25% of the deposit and, as i said half of the bills - OH say's that legally i am liable for the house even though it isn't in my name - he has an LLB so knows much more than i do about the Law.

I wondered if i would be better of leaving him and getting a part-time job and claiming WTC but he thinks i should be unhappy - that it's better for DD not to be shipped between two parents.

I feel like there's no love - and it kills me that i only get to spend a max of 30 minutes a day with DD to pay for a house that i don't like, don't want to live in and isn't in my name - but i don't think i have an alternative - i wish i did.

OP posts:

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 06:30

And he is fiddling things with you paying considerably more than him, no way is the mortgage on a 2 bed in Essex 2.5k a month.

Not necessarily. Essex is more than just Basildon; there are some expensive areas, particularly on the London fringe. It also sounds as though the mortgage may be sub-prime, which could mean an eye-watering interest rate.

Whocansay · 02/05/2014 08:18

The OP can easily check how much it is by looking at a mortgage statement. But I bet he won't let you see one, OP.

This is financial abuse at best. Get some legal advice.

LisaMed · 02/05/2014 08:30

Jumping in during morning rush - your name is not on the deeds, you are not married, if there is no deed of trust for your deposit then you have no right to the house, no right to the return of the deposit and are in a tough place.

Assume you have lost all that money.

Your daughter needs you well and happy. I would start from this and work out. Good luck

Quitelikely · 02/05/2014 08:47

How much was your deposit that you paid OP? If this was significant I would almost 100percent be getting your DP to sign a deed of trust to demonstrate that although you're not on the mortgage you paid towards the deposit.

Also I'm thinking since your dd is going to start school then your childcare fees will go down. So that's a positive.

Where are your family? Near your home or near your job? Consider moving nearer to them. Also might you consider working part time? So commuting two/three days per week.

You've only got one chance at life. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't look at your DP as the solution to the problems. You don't need his permission and I definitely don't think he will give it to you! You are in control of your own life, not him. If he was worth anything he would try to come up with a workable solution that say well with you.

Good luck

MmeMorrible · 02/05/2014 09:11

The mortgage can't be that much for a 2 bed house in Essex. Unless it's set over a shorter term than usual for some reason?

expatinscotland · 02/05/2014 09:18

He is conning you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2014 09:40

You would be far better off apart; this relationship is all stacked in his favour and you are being abused financially here. It suits him to live this way and has it made; he sees you as a right stupid mug and you're also stuck with a 4 hour commute each day. He's not. He does not give a toss for you or his child whom he likely regards as a nuisance as well.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, how did you end up in this situation?.

Is this really what you want to teach your DD about relationships; how would you feel if she went onto find and live with someone like this man?. Do not further teach her that on some level any of this is at all acceptable to you because it should not be.

Seek help from Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and proper legal advice. This situation is not at all sustainable. He will destroy you totally in the end if you were to stay.

TheSlagOfSnacks · 02/05/2014 10:14

I don't understand the money thing at all. Do you even know how big your mortgage is or how much the repayments are each month?

I have an LLB too and he's not right about the house. Your name should be on the deeds. If it's not, you still have an interest in the property because you've been paying for half of it. You can register your interest with the Land Registry and that would help to protect your contribution if you split.

It really does sound like he's taking you for a ride.

Lancelottie · 02/05/2014 10:19

Hmm. If you are barely seeing your daughter, OP, could he be regarded as the primary carer in the event of a split?

You need wiser heads than mine to think that one through.

StarSwirl92 · 02/05/2014 12:34

LTB, move closer to work and enjoy your time with your dd.

Charley50 · 02/05/2014 12:39

This is so depressing and sad. Will it help if you have evidence of the large deposit you put into the house? Can you somehow shame him into putting you on the deeds as you should be? It's awful I feel for you and I would get legal advice asap and try and get away, with something back of what have put in, from this cunt.
And you do realise don't you that you have been paying half the mortgage all along don't you?

BeCool · 02/05/2014 13:09

So, he pay's the mortgage - I pay for everything else, food, bills, nursery etc - so i can't exactly stop paying for my half as i don't think he can afford to pay for the rest.

OH say's that legally i am liable for the house even though it isn't in my name - he has an LLB so knows much more than i do about the Law.

OK this might be hard to hear but your OH is using his knowledge of the law to stitch you up good and proper. There is classic case law on the above scenario - and paying bills is NOT seen as evidence of a claim on a house. Your OH knows this and is doing the best he can to keep you from having any claim against the properly.

And then he says you are 'liable' for 50%!!

Why, if you paid towards the deposit and are paying (albeit indirectly) towards the mortgage, why why why are you not named as joint owner? Please get legal advice asap.

Have you seen your OH's will? Do you realise the perilous situation you and your DC might be in if something happened to your OH?

re your commute and job, and seeing your DD once a day, personally I wouldn't do it. I would find something much more local. You must be stretched to the absolute limit - why do this to yourself?

BeCool · 02/05/2014 13:11

some basic info on your rights here

Thetallesttower · 02/05/2014 14:02

Everyone is right, you need legal advice on this. He is making you pay all your money into non-appreciating things (food, bills) where you will end up with nothing, and all of his money into an appreciating asset. You are being had!

You should be on the deeds and be paying half the mortgage.

Also, on 2.500 after tax a month, you have enough to set up on your own in a small rental if you wanted to.

I would seriously think about if if he refused to put you on the deeds- what he's saying is you pay for me and I leave you with nothing.

This way of life with the 4 hours commuting is not sustainable.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 02/05/2014 14:33

"OH say's that legally i am liable for the house even though it isn't in my name"

This isn't true, and he must know it isn't true.

So ask yourself, why is he lying to you?

MmeMorrible · 02/05/2014 15:25

Hope you're OK, OP this must be hard to deal with. Does OH do the nursery drop offs/ picks up etc? If so things will have to change when DC starts school as the hours are set and less flexible than nursery/ child minder and you'll need to think about who will collect from school etc. Sounds like a great reason to make that lifestyle change and plan towards things being different by September.

Whereisegg · 02/05/2014 15:55

So depending on what you want the outcome to be, you can either say

"Hey dp, great news! Turns out I can go on the mortgage/deeds so lets sort that asap"

Or "Hey dp, great news! Turns out I'm not liable for 50%, so I'm gonna reduce my hours/change my job so I can spend more time with dd"

Or "Hey dp, you lied about x and y, dd and I are out of here, I'll be in touch about contact and maintenance"

BeCool · 02/05/2014 16:07

and you may have a claim on the house but will certainly need legal advise re that.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/05/2014 20:14

Hi OP. Your OH is (deep breath) a lying cheating abusive shoddy excuse for a human being, and the least he deserves is a freezing order and a forensic accountant up his arse.

"I've got an LLB! That means I can tell you any old bollocks!". No. It really doesn't work like that. He doesn't use it professionally, does he?

Oh, and he's almost certainly committed mortgage fraud.

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