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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help - do I even have a way out?

69 replies

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:00

I'm pretty sad right now, I get up at 6.30 to go to work before DD wakes up and i have a 4 hour commute each day - an 8 hour day in the office with a max of 30 minutes break. So home, dd to bath/bed, house admin, tidying, dinner cooked and next thing it's 9,30 and i'm worn out, no time ever for gym/yoga/friends - weekends are spent doing housework and looking after DD, no family or anyone to babysit so no nights out or anything. TBH I want to spend weekends making up to DD for the time i'm not there during the week.

I feel so gutted that if i'm lucky mon-fri i see DD for a max of 30 minutes, OH say's i have no choice that i have to pay for 50% of the mortgage and bills (we earn around the same but he works locally).
The house isn't in my name at all but i paid 25% of the deposit and, as i said half of the bills - OH say's that legally i am liable for the house even though it isn't in my name - he has an LLB so knows much more than i do about the Law.

I wondered if i would be better of leaving him and getting a part-time job and claiming WTC but he thinks i should be unhappy - that it's better for DD not to be shipped between two parents.

I feel like there's no love - and it kills me that i only get to spend a max of 30 minutes a day with DD to pay for a house that i don't like, don't want to live in and isn't in my name - but i don't think i have an alternative - i wish i did.

OP posts:

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:46

Well, whether you encouraged him, or he encourages you. There comes a time whereby you need to stand up to the test of life, and OWN it. i.e. make good. Like seriously make good.

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:52

How though? i would bite the bullet and be a single parent if i could somehow have a place near to DD's nursery and school next year and be able to work around school hours.

The bills are split really in so much as who's name they are - the mortage is the largest though.

If i could see a way forward to make good - then believe me i would be screwing up some courage.

OP posts:

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 00:53

But you haven't said what you want, with the exception of wanting to spend more time with DD.

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 00:54

Your biggest decision is whether you want to remain with your OH or not.

MiniTheMinx · 02/05/2014 00:55

Can you find a way to have the remainder of the household bills put in his name? could you find some pretext for this, and then keep nursery in your name. Continue to pay them but he will obviously be responsible for thm should you leave. Meanwhile, why not search jobs in the area where you own your flat, or stay with family while you save some cash for a deposit on a flat/house to rent.

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 00:57

If you really do want to split (not just to escape the bills-job trap) then your best move would be to rent somewhere while still in the well-paid FT job, then look for something PT/closer to home/retraining.

You can claim tax credits and even HB if you need to for a couple of years, but it will be harder to secure a rental once you are in lower-paid work, so secure a home first.

MiniTheMinx · 02/05/2014 00:58

If you can get more of the household bills, things like council tax, water etc,. put into his name, simple then pay them while you plan ahead, when you are certain you want to leave, stop paying and pocket the money for a deposit somewhere. If you wait until DD starts school you will save money more easily because no nursery to pay. However once she is settled in school, less option over where you can live and find suitable work.

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 00:59

No, I did not say "find the best solution". I said, find options and go with it. i.e. auction either of the houses to release financial burden, even if it may make a loss somewhere. Or to find new job. Or to get him to also auction the house too.

Also, why can't you BOTH sell your respective places, and then also consolidate finance, and get into rental to secure some sanity first? And find the rental place which allows both of you some kind of equal commute time.

Doing this kind of thing IS finding the courage to do it. Have you actually tried to put the houses on auction if it is not selling ? Do you why your flat is not selling ?

By "make good" I did not mean make a situation of what you desire it to be. But to cut your losses now, cos you are treading water and it will break your whole situation. So something has to give, and you need to act on those areas now to make it. Or to push through it. Finding the courage and the commitment and the focus to do those will allow you some comfort I think.

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 00:59

So what i want is - to not have to do work full time and commute four hours a day, by working less hours/less distance away i could spend more time with DD. Also, 8 hours with a max break of 30 minutes is tough - i probably spend most of that walking to tesco and back.

With regards to staying with OH If it were just me, then i think it might actually be healthier to say probably not, but it's not just me - have got DD to think about to.

Appreciate the late night responses folks, really do.

OP posts:

Original poster

EssexMummy123 · 02/05/2014 01:02

Kinda feel though, like i don't have any friends/family locally - i wonder if im being daft, that i should get on with it so i can pay my fair share and then i just feel so upset and stressed in the evenings knowing that i see dd for 30 minutes if we're lucky and OH won't even consider selling the house that is only in his name and i wonder if Im being a bit of a mug...

OP posts:

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 01:02

From what you have said, it doesn't sound a healthy relationship. I wouldn't be so quick to assume your DD is better off with you together if that is the case.

You also need to consider your long-term security and it doesn't sound as though you have much if your home is in the sole name of a rather dickish partner.

Is movig back to your flat an option? What are work and school prospects like in that area?

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 01:03

How is it a fair share when you pay half the costs and he is the one accruing equity?

turgiday · 02/05/2014 01:04

Yes you are being a mug - sorry. I don't see what you get out of this relationship. You need to start making plans to leave.

Maisie0 · 02/05/2014 01:05

If you are a couple, then you look out for each other and that includes limitation too. Prop up one another and so forth. Why are you with a man who is not even as close to you as a family member should ? You just need to restack your options. So both of you survive. THIS is a relationship.

The courage for you is to say to him "if we truly want to be together for the long term, I just want to say that I can no longer survive my life like this, and we need to consolidate and cut losses cos I cannot handle this kind of setup any more, please help me too".

MiniTheMinx · 02/05/2014 01:06

You are buying this house, you are paying half the mortgage effectively and may never benefit from it. If you split up, your daughter may also never benefit from it. Whereas now she could benefit from spending time with her mum.

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 01:06

He is certainly taking you for a mug, yes.

You are clearing £2.5k pcm (good money), hardly see your DD on weekdays and the house isn't yours. You are knocking yourself out for what exactly? For him to build an asset which you have no legal right to and he has the cheek to tell you you have no choice!

fidelineish · 02/05/2014 01:19

Hope you are ok.

kickassangel · 02/05/2014 02:25

Can you move closer to your work?

The house sounds like you are being conned. I you're not married, on the deeds and have no evidence of paying into the mortgage then you have no right to it. How much I the house worth? For the mortgage to be so high it must be several hundred thousand pounds? How in earth are you spending thousands a month on good and bills?

Sorry, but I think he is stealing money from you. And your life and your time with your daughter.

Pack your bags and find a flat to rent by your work. You'll have more time an money. Imagine how much happier you will be. If he's a committed father he will be willin to travel a couple of hours to see his daughter, but I suspect you won't see much if him except for some angry attempts at getting more money from you.

nooka · 02/05/2014 04:14

With regard to the house you need legal advice, find out whether you can get any of your money back if you should leave and if you are liable (as your name is not on the mortgage and you aren't married I suspect not, but you may well also have lost all the money you put in).

Work wise you should try to explore opportunities nearer to your dd's nursery/school so that at least you know what possibilities there might be.

Home wise I'm afraid your dh sounds like a bit of a bastard. Apart from being generally unsupportive, why are you cooking dinner, doing admin, tidying etc when you come home from your horrible commute? Why isn't that your dp's job while you spend time putting your dd to bed?

It may be that you can't do anything very much right now, but you need a long term plan of escape. When you sell your flat will you have any equity? Can you use that for a deposit on a place of your own? Perhaps you could go to a financial adviser and get a plan in place to build up a little money for yourself to use as seed money for your new life. That might need to wait until after your dd goes to school when your costs should go down significantly, but having a plan may make it much easier to survive for now.

scampbeast · 02/05/2014 04:47

I think you do need to give him an ultimatum, you can't go on the way you are. Tell him that it is you or the house. Get some legal advice before hand so that you can counter any arguments he comes up with. I don't know about prices where you live but we are having to survive paying bills and a mortgage on less than half of what you earn from your job alone since my husband lost his job.

Thislife · 02/05/2014 05:21

How can you be paying 50:50 if he pays the mortgage and you pay everything else with £2500 a month? Are you saying the mortgage is that much?

daughteritsmeagain · 02/05/2014 05:48

hang on. your name isn't on the property? you're paying for nothing. you are just giving him money. and indeed, you are giving him your life. why? get legal advice and ditch the bastard. he's using you.

MexicanSpringtime · 02/05/2014 06:14

Definitely. You are on a treadmill and sound exhausted too, so it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it doesn't have to be like that.

If your partner has more free time that you, why is it you that has to cook the dinner and do the housework at the weekend, as someone said in a house that you don't even get to spend time in?

It sounds like you need to move out and find a job close to home or a home close to the job.

Madamecastafiore · 02/05/2014 06:22

Pack some bags and leave with your DD. Get off your treadmill. Let him sort out the house, it's nothing to do with you if your name isn't on it.

Seriously you are being treated like a slave. Tell him what your priorities are and tell him he has 24 hours to come up with a workable solution or it's over.

And he is fiddling things with you paying considerably more than him, no way is the mortgage on a 2 bed in Essex 2.5k a month.

imip · 02/05/2014 06:28

Dh is lying. My dh and I own our house, it is in both our names and we are both on the mortgage. I am a sahm and have not worked for almost 8 years (4 dcs). So i dont contribute a penny (prior to having childrne we both worked, i helped with the deposit, including proceeds of a house i owned seperatly.

Your name can indeed be on the deeds.

If you sold your house, would that give you enough to tide you over to finding a job locally and moving into a flat?

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