Old friends, babies and do I bother any more?

[theimposter]

I have never been one for living in friends pockets but I have no problems maintaining long relationships and have always had an active social life through my 20s. I may not see people regularly and don't like having 'BBF's' like some friends do but I would say I am consistent and super reliable and always make the effort when required. Lots of my long term friends aren't local anyway but we can always pick up where we left off and I am always there in a crisis.

What's upsetting me is one of my long term local friends has become increasingly distant since having her twins. I am not hugely into babies but she was really odd after the birth (in fact I found out after everyone else that they'd arrived on Facebook which upset me as I was supposedly her 'best friend') and I was hoping now they are a year + that she might have settled with having them and make herself a bit more available.

It's got to the point that she rarely replies to my messages despite knowing that I have had a tough time with DP recently (I nearly walked out) and the last time she did reply said she had a 2 month 'waiting time' for free weekends to meet up with us. It's not enticing me to keep trying.

I recently had a small op which was on my mind a lot and she didn't even know about it! She's not really being what I think of as a good friend but how much of this do I put down to being busy with kids and how much down to just moving apart due to different interests now and the fact I'm not round the corner any more? DP says it is the twins taking so much time but I am wondering what the point of being friends with someone is who can't even reply to a text or voicemail within a week and only seems to want to spend time with her mum or baby friends? I feel a bit ousted :-( She takes bugger all interest in anything I do and I have tried to take an interest in the kids and be supportive (we've offered to babysit etc and have gone round and cooked meals in the early days etc) but the kids aren't great at being handled by non family members (cry a lot) and despite me making an effort to show an interest in return she can actually be quite sneering about my personal passion (kid replacement!) and it upsets me.

Do I just let it go or try and get to the bottom of it? Been friends over 10 years...

Ha ha thanks Clint88; I'm down South

Ah, I'm up north so my dreams of horse riding evaporate!

Plenty of those up north! Speaking of which I'm off to exercise and put mine to bed now!

People are being very kind to this friend of the OP's but to me the bottom line is that there are a lot of lonely people out there (people sometimes post on Mumsnet saying they have no friends and it's so sad). Those of us who have friends are lucky. If you have friends who want to see you, you are luckier still. (And friends who will come round with meals when you have babies are off the scale; I never encountered such a thing!) People who treat their friends as an inconvenience don't deserve to have them, IMO.

Someone with young children who has not got time to see her friends could reply to a request to meet up with "Sorry I am struggling at the moment and I don't think I can manage to meet up for ages."

However, someone who replies to a request from a friend to get together - because, well they like her and would like to see her, their friend - with a text saying they have "a 2 month 'waiting time' for free weekends to meet up" with them is BLOODY RUDE. As is someone who sneers at her friend's hobbies.

Notnew are you saying you'd expect the firefighters to respond to your text suggesting a night out?
I don't think it's a competition. I think the tiredness of being on duty for your children has a special quality in its unrelentingness, it's not a matter of it being greater or less than other forms of tiredness. It is so invasive and so confusing as it's the people who you love most who you'd just like five minutes peace from!
I agree with much if what you say Balloonslayer, but there is absolutely no way I'd have sent that text - being seen to be in top of things (with dc1) was paramount to me, I would never have confessed to struggling as then "they"'d know I'd failed. By the time pfb was about 3 things were much easier and I had a social life again- one year old is still so demanding.

Well this thread has made me depressed.

Apparently after I have this kid, thats it, I'll be going into a grim unrelenting black hole for 3 years and when I eventually emerge I'll have no friends.

You'll have mummy friends... :)

Well that hasn't happened to me Amelia so I'm sure you'll be fine I think it's how much your children mean to you that makes it harder when you just need a break from them - then you wish you were back with them again!

Everyone has a different experience.

Cailin my opinions about my experience of being a SAHM are as relevant as you talking about ladybirds, thanks very much...

I have 18mo twins and a 3 yo. I'm on my own, run ragged, knackered, dealing with a stbxh who's acting like a cross between a toddler and a teenager and attempting to set up my own business from home.

I still find time to answer texts/voicemails at some point in the day (and post on mn )

Being a busy mum of twins and a toddler makes me tired, but it's no excuse for being rude to friends.

You know I have a friend like this too. She's apparently coming to visit me in a few months time with another friend but she rarely replies to my FB messages. She has a smart phone but doesn't have the free messaging app I use (she lives in another country so it's cheaper). Thanks to the joy of FB, I can see that she has "seen" my messages, I just never get replies!

Part of me thinks about just cutting her loose because it doesn't feel like one of those friendships where you catch up once a year and everything's fine. I feel awkward and like the kid standing in the corner wishing someone would talk to me...

My sister changed a lot when she had a kid too. She was able to post on FB, hang out with friends and do other stuff... but talk to her sister on FB or skype or anything unless she needed something? Rarely (as in, I've talked more to strangers than my own sister!).

As for the "you don't know tiredness until you have children"... try having a sleeping disorder. I want kids, but I already sleep like crap, even with my CPAP. I also get those days where I just want to crawl into a ball on the floor and cry I'm so tired - I don't need little people to know what it feels like. It's condescending for people to think like that.

Also disagree with someone else's sneering comments about kids vs. pets. My dogs ARE my furry children, "but you wouldn't know unless you had one".

I swear I am about to go insane with my twins. They are 15 months. All I want is to sleep. I barely talk to my husband. I have had about 2 decent nights' sleep in 2 years. I try. I try to see people but my circle has massively contracted. And sometimes 'mummy' friends aw all I can handle. Mainly because actually I don't really care about them.

Really really good friends came over for dinner on Saturday. They couldn't be nicer - female friend helped with bath dressing and stories. Both helped finish dinner as I ran up and down the stairs to settle the gruesome twosome. They left at 10.15

Next day I was exhausted. Absolutely none wrenching exhausted. I went to bed for 2 hours at lunch when the twins were asleep, I didn't even have lunch and still felt dead all day. And that is having the perfect guests over

Some day I will have energy and a life and the capacity to be nice to people I like but don't feel understand where I am at the moment...

I have no children so I can't comment from a parents POV. However I have friends who have children. Some friendships survived some didn't.

I truly believe that once a friend has a baby this will ultimately test your friendship. A friend of mine who lives about an hour away had her baby last May. We arranged to meet and the last three times have either been cancelled or needed to be rescheduled because she was too busy. After the 3rd time I'd given up. I understand having a baby i am not her priority but I've seen the signs and accepted that she can't be bothered. Especially when i know she meets up with other friends in our circle.

Personally it is a real shame and I miss her but I believe friendship works both ways. I believe she's just not interested and maybe it's the same for your friend too?

It's painful but it's life and I realised I just have to accept that our friendship has died. Instead I've chosen to concentrate on my other friendships (some with friends who have children and still are very close so it really goes to show doesn't it?)

And like others have said, maybe in a few years she may get back in touch? But honestly? Save your time and energy for friends who will appreciate it.

Good luck OP!

Thanks Pinkhat. Yes I think I am going to leave it and wait. I've reread her last message and I don't think that she doesn't want to see me as such but I am not going to put myself out there so much. I do have lots of friends all in various states of family or non family life so I'll survive! Sorry things didn't work out with your friend x

I have a very good friend whose daughter is now 2 years old. We used to see each other frequently, have great chats, and laugh, and sing silly songs, and hug and share heaps of private staff. Then she had her baby and for the first year I would call, and visit, and try to keep contact with her... to no avail. A number of times I needed her help, and she was not there for me. I would organise a lunch, of coffee together, and she would completely forget about it, and forget she had forgotten. I could have let her go, but I persevered. I kept calling, and asking how she was, and visiting, even though sometimes I felt like an idiot.

This year it all paid off. When I thought she would be completely fed up with me, and that now she would have a bunch of mummy friends and didn't need me anymore, she confessed to me that she considered me her one and only true friend. She told me I had no idea how much she appreciated me, that I was the only one who was there for her during last year, and that at times I was the only person she talked to. She said I was the only one who "got" her, and the only one she knew would be there for her when she needed me. She apologised she had been so unavailable, and thanked me wholeheartedly for not giving up on her. I had to choke back tears.

It made all last year worth it, and it has taught me never to give up on true friends, because we never know what is really going through their heads when a big life change has happened. Had I stopped trying with her, she would probably have fallen into depression. Now she is slowly coming back to being her old self. We still can't see each other as often as before she had her baby, but it is getting better. I feel now that last year has cemented our friendship more than anything else. I am so happy I did not give up on her!

Just another perspective from someone without children who believes it is worth to keep trying :)