Old friends, babies and do I bother any more?

[theimposter]

I have never been one for living in friends pockets but I have no problems maintaining long relationships and have always had an active social life through my 20s. I may not see people regularly and don't like having 'BBF's' like some friends do but I would say I am consistent and super reliable and always make the effort when required. Lots of my long term friends aren't local anyway but we can always pick up where we left off and I am always there in a crisis.

What's upsetting me is one of my long term local friends has become increasingly distant since having her twins. I am not hugely into babies but she was really odd after the birth (in fact I found out after everyone else that they'd arrived on Facebook which upset me as I was supposedly her 'best friend') and I was hoping now they are a year + that she might have settled with having them and make herself a bit more available.

It's got to the point that she rarely replies to my messages despite knowing that I have had a tough time with DP recently (I nearly walked out) and the last time she did reply said she had a 2 month 'waiting time' for free weekends to meet up with us. It's not enticing me to keep trying.

I recently had a small op which was on my mind a lot and she didn't even know about it! She's not really being what I think of as a good friend but how much of this do I put down to being busy with kids and how much down to just moving apart due to different interests now and the fact I'm not round the corner any more? DP says it is the twins taking so much time but I am wondering what the point of being friends with someone is who can't even reply to a text or voicemail within a week and only seems to want to spend time with her mum or baby friends? I feel a bit ousted :-( She takes bugger all interest in anything I do and I have tried to take an interest in the kids and be supportive (we've offered to babysit etc and have gone round and cooked meals in the early days etc) but the kids aren't great at being handled by non family members (cry a lot) and despite me making an effort to show an interest in return she can actually be quite sneering about my personal passion (kid replacement!) and it upsets me.

Do I just let it go or try and get to the bottom of it? Been friends over 10 years...

Well that last time I invited my closest childfree friend over for dinner she sighed when I interrupted her to help my DD with something and very pointedly said "Next time we must go out." I get that it's exasperating not to be able to finish a sentence because the children require a lot of attention, but they're young, and that's the way it is for now. Parent-friends get it, it's not an issue at all, but childfree friends tend not to. Another childfree friend wanted to specifically meet in a place that I couldn't bring the children as it doesn't allow buggies. That sent a pretty clear message. I have no family help so any time I get away from the children I need to do things like get my hair cut or sort out repairs for the car. Heck, I've been planning on cutting my nails for a week and still haven't got around to it, as my DD will scream to hold the clippers. When basic personal grooming requires someone to care for my children and specific timetabling then you might be able to see how hard getting out of the house can be! Not that I mind it at all, socialising with the children is fine for the time being.

This is the point isn't it really; I don't even want to go on mad nights out any more as I'm past that and can't be bothered myself with all the faff of dressing up and taxi's. I also don't have the money as it goes into my animals and sports rather than booze just as I'm sure theirs goes on the kids and holidays away with them. I'm a home girl type person and our nights with this couple prior to kids have always been film nights in and not crazy nights out clubbing. I can't make it much easier than turning up and taking food with me can I?

It depends imposter. It could be that by 6pm your friend is just totally drained and doesn't want to entertain someone, even if they do bring food. I have a very amenable 3 year old and a very demanding one year old. The one year old has only just started going down in her cot in the evenings, for the last 14 months we've spent every evening rocking her and holding her. Having friends over would have been too much. Now she is going down we can have people over, but she was up for two hours in the middle of the night last night so today I'm beyond knackered and having a friend over would fill me with dread. Multiply her by two and I'd not be able to function! I really don't know how people with twins do it.

For goodness sake... don't people who don't have children and work all day (yes, being a SAHM is hard work - we all know) look forward to seeing their partner's too?

Get a grip!

Of course they do Iveheardit - what's your point?

My point is OP is trying to be supportive/helpful and interested in her friend and all she's getting is a load of 'oh it's so tiring - i'd have to plump the cushions if you came to visit'.

It's cringe-worthy.

Decent people don't abandon their friends because they've had kids - and vice versa. Reading some of this is painful!

Good luck OP - hope you get your mate back soon when she gets bored of the people she only has babies in common with (she will IME)! x

x

It's not having children that's draining and destroys your old self, it's giving up everything to them. Most out my friends have managed to have children without becoming tedious martyrs. We don't stay up all night taking drugs any more, but they still come out for dinner. If you can't even cut your nails because your toddler won't "let" you (no child ever died from a few minutes spent screaming), it's no wonder your childfree friends find visiting you rather tiresome.

No one said that decent people abandon their friends. People are just trying to explain what might be going on with the OP's friend. I've already said that the friend's behaviour hasn't been great.

THANK YOU TRILLIONS!

Me and my mates (a mix of mums and non-mums - how revolutionary!!) cringe and 'mummy-mates' - it's like Mean Girls, cutting out the childless.

*at

Ha Trillions - I'd like to see you try to use a nail clippers while a baby is throwing herself at you and screaming! Apart from anything it's just not worth the bother. I am definitely not one to be ruled by my children, generally, and when DS was little I did go out quite a lot, but DD is more demanding and I've struggled dealing with her. I had PND when she was very little. It's been tough. If people around me think I'm a tedious martyr because I haven't sailed through her babyhood and kept them all happy by giving them the required amount of time and attention, well good luck them.

I have never known tiredness like baby-related tiredness. If I got a night off my ideal would be to go to a room somewhere alone, and just not have to make any effort whatsoever.
Your friend may not be very nice OP, but I don't think we can judge that on just the evidence of her not wanting to meet up. Agree the waiting list but doesn't sound nice, even if accurate!

CailinDana what are they doing now you're ranting on MN then??

But seriously, I had PND too - and found my childless friends kept me sane to be honest - we're all different. xx

Baby is sleeping on me. So I can't move. As usual. DS is out in the back garden menacing ladybirds.

Oh no, don't give me the "you don't know what it's like to be tired until you've had children" stuff.

You tell the firefighters during 9/11 who worked days with no more than a snatched hour here and there about tiredness. Or others involved in rescue scenarios after earthquakes or floods. They don't know about tiredness.

I know many nurses and doctors who work in hospitals. Most of them work ridiculous hours. Most of them are also mothers. Many of them tell me they are far more tired after their shift than they ever were being SAHMs.

Why does it have to be some form of bloody competition???

Great for those who could carry on 'as normal' after having kids, going out for dinner etc.

In my experience, you do what you can to get by. People who don't have the empathetic skills to see that some people's personality or practical situation makes it tricky and make allowances for that don't make great friends anyway frankly (not talking to you, OP as I can see how bewildering it must be in your position).

Yes yes yes yes yes... I totally agree.

With NotNew.

Sorry but I was bored silly when I was a SAHM / mat leave.

Rewarding yes - but was so glad to get back to work.

My sister is a SAHM and she does bugger all all day but go to Costa with a load of idiots! Haha.

I know not all are, I know - but the ones my sister is mates with are, trust me!

You were bored as a SAHM and your sister's mates are idiots - how is that relevant to the thread Iveheardit?

Thanks Ivehearditallnow; I'm sure it will work itself out in the end and there are no hard feelings from my side. I think I will just leave it and wait for her to contact me be that in 2 months or 2 years!

Where do you live imposter, I'll be mates with you :)