In laws doing my head in!!

[prawnypoos]

Hello everyone. My DP and I are farmers and he been together for 3 years. We have a 4 YO DSD an an almost 9 month old DD together. I love our lifestyle, I have lived on farms all of my life and it is truly a way of life as opposed to a job. His mother, sister and her family, brother and his girlfriend and us all live in very close proximity (in different houses). We all pay our own bills and DPs mum takes rent out of our income. She has control of EVERYTHING from actually raking around in bins to make sure I haven't put any recyclable items in the household waste bin (yep through dirty nappies, the lot!!) to what pegs I use to hang my clothes on the washing line with. It really is that petty. I get on with DP's sister, or thought I did until yesterday when I accidentally overheard them (DPs mother and sister) basically bitching about what a totally incompetent mother I am because I allegedly didn't strap my daughter in her pram properly and I have a bit of a back log of laundry to do, which I think is acceptable as I am outside all day then come in to do dinner, feed baby and I'm back out again.to be fair MIL does look after DD quite a lot but its for her benefit anyway as I'm helping to run her farm. When DD was 3 weeks old she told my friend that I "didn't have a clue" what I was doing bearing in mind I was up every hour of the night trying to crack BF off and looking after DSD at the same time whilst DP was busy on the farm. If I have been out with a friend for the day she always makes some sort of remark like "you've taken your time" or "teas going to be late tonight" my DP does like his tea on the table at a certain time but makes exceptions if I've been on a rare day out. I just feel like everything is ruled by her. He bought me some flowers for my birthday last week and she made it clear what a "waste of money" she thought they were. I wouldn't mind but I think I deserved them - I look after both of his kids do all of his laundry, cook all of his meals, do all of his washing up, clean up his mess ( he is unbelievably untidy) and more or less help him full time on the farm (at least 40+ hours a week). DP refuses to do any chores and in a way I sort of agree with him as he works hard. DPs brother also had a bad habit of looking in our window when I was BF DD. Surprisingly enough when I mentioned to his GF that I had stopped BF he didn't bother to look through our window anymore. There's lots more but I don't have the time to go into it and this post is long enough already! Some support or even empathy would be good!

And also she is absolutely horrible about my mum and makes all kinds of false assumptions about her. My DP can also be really nasty about her which p**s me off as she helps us out as much as she can. I try to ignore her when she does this as I know getting upset would fuel the fire but at the same time feel as though I should be defending my mum too. I don't tell her what she says but she has told me that she often feels unwelcome at our house, which makes me sad as her, DSD and DD have a lovely relationship

Are you saying that the farm belongs to DP's mother, you and DP do all the work on the farm, she lives nearby and yet you pay her rent? And you also say that DP refuses to do any chores - plus he joins in when his family are badmouthing your mother?

It sounds horribly as though you've been recruited as a skivvy and that your chauvinistic 'DP' is in conniving with the rest of his family to bully and take advantage of you. What on earth do you get out of this mediaeval arrangement?

Have you got a rent agreement?
Can you prove the rent has been paid?

Sorry to go on but do they have access to your home when you aren't in?
Just wondering how they know and why they care about your back log of washing?

Paragraphs would really help in reading long posts

They have access because they all live in close proximity and it's probably one of these remote rural locations where no-one locks their doors. What bothers me most is not the bullying mother - although she sounds very unhinged - but this so-called DP who treats the OP like a slave, 'makes allowances' if she dares go out and his tea is a bit late, and who expects her to skivvy after him, his mother and the rest of her throwbacks .... I'm guessing his brother looking in the window when the OP is breastfeeding is one of those creepy types.

OP... where the hell in the country are you?

Do you have your own income for working 40 hours + on their farm?

Your MIL sounds horrible and controlling, but then so does your DP.

You do 40+ hours per week plus all the housework, shopping, cooking, laundry, childcare outside work etc. "DP refuses to do any chores". Your DP sounds like a controlling, entitled, chauvinistic idiot. Your DP needs to buck up his ideas about a reasonable division of labour and tell his mother and sister to back off.

Ah I feel your pain. Similar situation here, although in the 10 years we've been together we have established some boundaries. Is your husband not a partner in the farm? With all houses owned by the farm and your rent and certain bills paid from your husband's share of the profits?
I struggled hugely with the set up when I first moved in with (now) DH and it very nearly split us up. My advice is to stand your ground, be firm but never rude and just start setting practical things up to run how you need them to be done. You're his life partner, not his employee. We had to make arrangements to change the way things like post was dealt with, bills paid etc. we have a monthly standing order to come out of farm account and into our private joint current account each month so that we have some privacy over what we spend our money on.
with respect, your husband also needs to support you too. He either wants you to be a homemaker (in which case you should be making the decisions about your home and family and his mum mind her own business), or hire extra help for farm and/or house. I'd be inclined to try to find alternative childcare too if you do want to work on the farm - it'll never be a happy situation if your MIL has a hold over you because she looks after your child.
I hope you manage to find a way you are happy with - I truly sympathise as I know how utterly frustrating and lonely it can be. When I was struggling an old family friend told me to sit tight, hold my nerve and show I'm here to stay. It wasn't how I'd envisaged my relationship with my in-laws, but that 65 year old farmer's wife was right

DP is a lovely natured man and a brilliant father. I haven't tried to make him out to be a bastard I have just said as is. Risotto sorry about not using paragraphs but I was in a rush and that was the last thing on my mind to be honest. DP admits that he is unkind to my mum but it stems from an argument they had 2 months after DD was born and she told me I needed to lose my baby weight. He hit the roof. MIL has a grievance with my mums husband which goes back years, with good reason but I won't go in to it as irrelevant. However this was years before my mum even knew him. She makes a lot of assumptions about people before she's even met them. They don't have access per se but they do generally just walk in, they never knock but I feel powerless because it is MIL's house. Another thing that annoys me is that she will just walk into our house with her mucky Welles on and say that she can't take them off (she has bad arthritis) but funnily enough, manages to take them off when she goes to DP's sister's house. I bite my tongue a lot. I have a feeding routine for DD and it works so I stick to it as best I can (she has slept through since 8 weeksdue to routine) however if I go to get DD from MIL and DD is asleep she won't let me take her to feed her, she tells me to get my washing in or put some more washing out or bag some animal feed up etc. That pisses me off because if I don't get her fed when I have the chance and a cow has a difficult calving or some sheep have gotten out onto the road then it could be hours until she gets her next feed. Sorry for the rant. The rent comes out of our inc

DP is a lovely natured man and a brilliant father. I haven't tried to make him out to be a bastard I have just said as is. Risotto sorry about not using paragraphs but I was in a rush and that was the last thing on my mind to be honest. DP admits that he is unkind to my mum but it stems from an argument they had 2 months after DD was born and she told me I needed to lose my baby weight. He hit the roof. MIL has a grievance with my mums husband which goes back years, with good reason but I won't go in to it as irrelevant. However this was years before my mum even knew him. She makes a lot of assumptions about people before she's even met them. They don't have access per se but they do generally just walk in, they never knock but I feel powerless because it is MIL's house. Another thing that annoys me is that she will just walk into our house with her mucky Welles on and say that she can't take them off (she has bad arthritis) but funnily enough, manages to take them off when she goes to DP's sister's house. I bite my tongue a lot. I have a feeding routine for DD and it works so I stick to it as best I can (she has slept through since 8 weeksdue to routine) however if I go to get DD from MIL and DD is asleep she won't let me take her to feed her, she tells me to get my washing in or put some more washing out or bag some animal feed up etc. That pisses me off because if I don't get her fed when I have the chance and a cow has a difficult calving or some sheep have gotten out onto the road then it could be hours until she gets her next feed. Sorry for the rant. The rent comes out of our income and I am still receiving maternity pay for a seasonal job I did alongside the farming before DD was born and I pay for food and petrol with that.

Angry bird you are so right you just have to stay put and stand strong. But it's shit sometimes isn't it? You will likely understand about the refusal to do chores by DP and the working in all weathers all hours day and night but still having a decent meal on the table.

Your DP needs to have very firm words with his mother.
Lock your front and back doors so she cannot just walk in. It may be her house but it is your home and you pay rent. That makes you a tenant and gives you rights around "peaceful enjoyment" I believe.

Re. Your baby. What do you mean she won't let you take her? Just take the baby and walk out. I strongly agree with others that you need to look for alternative childcare. The woman is toxic!

You do realise slavery has been abolished?

How would you feel if DD was working 40+ hours a week for no pay and being maltreated by her partner and ILS like you?

It sounds like you are so downtrodden you cannot even see what an abusive situation you are living in.

They all sound awful. You don't seem to have any say at all in your life.

She won't let you take your DD?
You sound like you need to Get Strong never mind stay strong.
You are being so used.

Lock your doors.
Stand up to mil over childcare
Insist you are paid a decent wage or don't work

I don't feel as though I am being used. His mother is a septic old bastard and I think the majority of our problems arose from her. She winds me and DP up. She tells DP he is too soft with me!!! Uggghhhh she really makes my blood boil at times

My in-laws knock but just walk straight in so I don't know why they bother tbh. We were laying in bed the other morning (weekend) and I heard FIL standing in our hall downstairs. DH had been down to let the chickens out and so the door was unlocked. 7.14am!

To be fair we are arable only now so it's nowhere near as tough for us but to be honest my DH does loads around the house and with the DC. I cook and do the day to day running of the house but I have a cleaner come twice a week. I run my own small business from home and only get involved in the admin side of the farm really. I would not be able to run the house single-handedly and work even part-time on the farm and I wouldn't consider it reasonable of DH to expect me to.

Who owns the farm? Are you and DP partners or employees?

Once i asserted myself and my position I found I was treated much better by my in-laws. I think at the start I cared too much about what the wider family thought of me. It took a good 5-6 years to get the where we are now though and don't even get me started on the wives of some of DH friends - it was horrendous. But we don't see them anymore

Are you saying that dd misses feeds because your mil won't let you take her?

MIL is a widow. My DP never got to meet his father as he died a few weeks before he was born (he was 40 years older than MIL) I stand my ground over DD and DP has told her too but she still doesn't listen! She owns the farm and we are employees. She says that DP is the farmer and he will take over the reigns when something happens to her, however if he p**s her off he often threatens that he's "out of the will" and that the farm will go to DPs sister ( who has a flock of sheep but happily let's me and DP tend to them and happily accepts the cheque when we sell them). It is difficult to run the house - it is never as clean as I'd like but what can I do

Basically yes, we would have blazing rows about it and when I'd gone DPs sister was straight up there to calm her down and have a good bitch.

Sorry , but you don't let a baby go without food to appease a bitter grandparent. If she is blackmailing you about the will then get out , but you put your foot down about the care of your baby.

She would send DD down to DPs sister and she would lock her door so I couldn't get in. I threatened to ring the police on one occasion

Do you want to work on the farm? Would staying at home with DD full time suit you better until she is at school so MIL has less control? I'm not suggesting you should have to/want to do that but wondered if it's an option you may be able to consider. If MIL has raised her children and run a farm on her own she must be pretty hard to work for as she's always been in control and it sounds as though she's old school even by farming standards!
I just wondered whether taking time out to assert a bit of control over your family dynamics and home situation now might serve you well in the longer term.

She rules your house, your lives, your babies life and holds the farm like a shiny carrot dangling in front of your face over you and your dp.

He isn't much better, why can't he help with the house chores if you work 40+hrs a week, come on woman he is taking you for a ride and you happily let him. You need a backbone for the both of them and as for your BIL looking in the window when you were breast feeding, come on you never thought to tell him to fuck off?

You are either very bullied or awfully naive, we are in the yr 2014, women get to vote now and everything, unless you like being the family mule then tell them to piss off and stand up for yourself.

He likes his dinner at a certain time does he, well tell him the time you like yours and see does he put the effort into making you one, probably not. What does this man do for you exactly?