In laws doing my head in!!

[prawnypoos]

Hello everyone. My DP and I are farmers and he been together for 3 years. We have a 4 YO DSD an an almost 9 month old DD together. I love our lifestyle, I have lived on farms all of my life and it is truly a way of life as opposed to a job. His mother, sister and her family, brother and his girlfriend and us all live in very close proximity (in different houses). We all pay our own bills and DPs mum takes rent out of our income. She has control of EVERYTHING from actually raking around in bins to make sure I haven't put any recyclable items in the household waste bin (yep through dirty nappies, the lot!!) to what pegs I use to hang my clothes on the washing line with. It really is that petty. I get on with DP's sister, or thought I did until yesterday when I accidentally overheard them (DPs mother and sister) basically bitching about what a totally incompetent mother I am because I allegedly didn't strap my daughter in her pram properly and I have a bit of a back log of laundry to do, which I think is acceptable as I am outside all day then come in to do dinner, feed baby and I'm back out again.to be fair MIL does look after DD quite a lot but its for her benefit anyway as I'm helping to run her farm. When DD was 3 weeks old she told my friend that I "didn't have a clue" what I was doing bearing in mind I was up every hour of the night trying to crack BF off and looking after DSD at the same time whilst DP was busy on the farm. If I have been out with a friend for the day she always makes some sort of remark like "you've taken your time" or "teas going to be late tonight" my DP does like his tea on the table at a certain time but makes exceptions if I've been on a rare day out. I just feel like everything is ruled by her. He bought me some flowers for my birthday last week and she made it clear what a "waste of money" she thought they were. I wouldn't mind but I think I deserved them - I look after both of his kids do all of his laundry, cook all of his meals, do all of his washing up, clean up his mess ( he is unbelievably untidy) and more or less help him full time on the farm (at least 40+ hours a week). DP refuses to do any chores and in a way I sort of agree with him as he works hard. DPs brother also had a bad habit of looking in our window when I was BF DD. Surprisingly enough when I mentioned to his GF that I had stopped BF he didn't bother to look through our window anymore. There's lots more but I don't have the time to go into it and this post is long enough already! Some support or even empathy would be good!

this sounds like a Catherine Cookson book - you know, the old stories where woman marries 'son of the farm' and is then treated like a skivvy, and scorned, whilst having no say whatsoever in anything and nothing she does is good enough. The Matriarch rules the roost with a rod of iron and makes frequent (threatening) dark mutterigs concerning THE WILL. Then she dies and leaves the son 2p or something as she hated the 'no better than she should be' woman he took to wife, and you all live in bitterness unhappily ever after. The End.

Im not meaning to be trite actually OP but, come on...its the 21st century now, those are 18th century stories. Why on earth would you be living like this?

Your DP is a brilliant natured man and a wonderful father? A man who is cool with his partner being his mum's unpaid skivvy all hours, shat upon by his family, added to that he disses your mum - and he is 'brilliant?'

OP if indeed your story is true - and Im not suggesting at all that it isn't true, Im just astounded as I truly haven't heard anything like it (apart from the books) - then can you assert yourself and set boundaries? fgs stick up for your mum! & down tools. Stop letting these people put you down and treat you like their skivvy/scapegoat. What a life.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I hope you do assert yourself (even though really I wish you should do as the books - sneak out at night babe in arms and run off to a better, happier, free life...)

She had an arse the size of a double decker.

Oh well...

if you haven't got anything helpful to say vivacia then DO ONE!

Sorry OP I should not have been obtuse.

I was making a point that your comment was unkind and rather narrow-minded in so much as being over-weight does not equate with laziness.

I also think that there's a danger that accepting such comments about the mother of your step-daughter can become a means of your husband and his family controlling you.

Haven't read all the thread yet which I know isn't great form. But, just wanted to say, my DHs family are farmers and he has three younger brothers who still farm and of which two are married with kids. They way they live, in terms of division of labour is ike the 1950s. The men do not lift a finger beyond what they do on the farm. They think I am some sort of militant feminist because my husband (their son) does his fair share around the house and helps to look after the kids. Most of their neighbours are also similar. The best of it is, that his brothers are actually younger than me, yet have the most old fashioned attitude to women. Also, not really relevant to this, but they were all privately educated and three of the four went to Uni (incl my DH). I am always mystified by it and my family on my dad's side are country people and my grandparents were farmers, but the younger generation on my side are much more modern in their approach. Good luck with it OP, you've clearly got a lot of patience!

I still have a bit of baby weight to shift vivacia so I know over weight people aren't lazy and I didn't mean do it to be perceived as such (although reading back I see what you mean) yes I understand what you mean abou the accepting negative comments about DPs ex. I always remember a few years back, she was at a party and she said she had never really lifted a finger around the farm as it wasn't her thing and she was scared of cows. Ethelred both me and my DP are old fashioned however he would push a Hoover around if he had to.

But that doesn't necessarily make her lazy. Listening to the sad situation you are stuck in it might make her wise or at the least protecting her sanity.

Your partner's previous partner had a child with him. Are the family calling her lazy because she wanted to look after her child, rather than working for free and allowing her mil to lock the baby up?

How does the actual farm income work - do you or your dp actually get paid and then pay your mil a share , or does she pay him ?

So.... you hand over your child to MIL so you can work 40 hours a week on her farm (of your own accord ) MIL then may or may not hand your child back, (or have locked her up with SIL) depending on whether there is a bit more work for you to do; you live in a house that is hers, and they have no problem walking into said house and commenting on your housekeeping skills; they slag off your family; your DP does no housework or chores, (womens work? He would 'push a hoover around if he 'had to'? What, if you nagged enough? If he couldn't see the carpet? If there was glass on the floor?) your DP slags off your family; they slag you off; and you ...... you what? You don't want to confront her because it will make things worse?

It may make things worse (as in more noisy and bad-tempered) for a while, but in the long run, you need to show that you are not the doormat you currently are.

Your dp reckons exW is lazy? She obviously didn't work 40 a week on MILs farm ! Maybe she did sit on her arse watching TV and eating biscuits, or maybe she was being a SAHM to their child and doing the housework? (would he notice? If the house was clean? Or does he equate women's work with 'not doing much?' ) Or did she WOH? As well?

Not sure what you want from this thread. DP is an arse for slagging exW and your mother off. He is also a total arse for not helping with childcare/housework/chores, regardless of how 'hard' he works. MIL is totally a controller and should not be left alone with your dc for 40 hours a week. SIL is being primed to be the same.

Work out how to extricate yourself from the lot of them. It's not your farm, will NEVER be. It will pass to SIL. (she will sell it, or make DP work it as a hired hand, for ever) You might have been brought up on farms and know the work (and not be frightened of cows) but that doesn't mean that the work should fall to you, or that it is your responsibility to do it.

PP is right - the exW 'was lazy' comment is to reinforce in your mind that the way to get respect from DP is to work your socks off. It's not. The way to get respect is to stand up for yourself.

OP - been thinking about you all morning. You are in a very precarious financial position. It's not clear from your posts whether you get paid for the 40hours per week of work you do in her farm;- do you have a contract? Sick pay? Holiday pay? Set hours?

You live in her house, and pay rent;- do you have a rent book? A contract?

You are not married.

If she (or DP) decides that you are to go, you will not only be jobless, but homeless too, and without a leg to stand on, legally, if you don't have the above contracts. What happened to the ExW and their child?

And the more I think about the 'lazy' ExW the more incensed I am on your behalf. From your OP, you work 40 hours for the farm, then do all the childcare (including his own child with Ex, who is nothing to do with you! Does he look after his own child at all? Does Ex know that the care of her dd falls to you?) You also do all the house-keeping; shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing (i imagine) -- does this equate to 'NOT-LAZY' in his eyes? If you gave up a bit of the work to do, I dunno, 30 hours a week and get a childminder or cleaner in, is that enough for him to label you as 'lazy'???

Plesae give things some thought - not only are you (and your dd) on shaky ground financially, you are being mentally abused I think, by MIL and DP.

why are you paying for food out of your own maternity pay?

Where is the income from your DP going? Back into the 'farm'? where is the guarantee that the farm is going to him? And you realise that, without being married, all the work you are doing for nothing is investing nothing towards your future. I dont expect even your NI contributions are being addressed, so you are working for less than nothing. At least if you were married AND your husband owned a share of the farm, your efforts could be seen as a reinvestment.

If you worked seperately and got paid, then you could claim tax credits which would go a long long way towards childcare costs.

Sounds like MIL is totally controlling, and is using the farm as the carrot to make people do what she wants. You realise that at any point she could, if she fancies, sell up and spend all the money on gin and a round the world cruise.

Or more likely she could be forced to sell if she gets sick, to pay for care in her old age. Unless, by then, your partner/rest of family have bought her out, because it wont be as easy as her just signing it all over, with inheritance tax minefield and lots of houses, some of which are not lived in by people working full time in agriculture.

OP your situation sounds awful i really feel for you. i agree with others that this woman sounds toxic and you need to get you and your baby away from her, i hope you get this house to rent and fast. i think its really really important when you get settled to build a support network around you, get to baby groups, build some friendships, don't let this family be all you have, build your own life and confidence too.