In laws doing my head in!!

[prawnypoos]

Hello everyone. My DP and I are farmers and he been together for 3 years. We have a 4 YO DSD an an almost 9 month old DD together. I love our lifestyle, I have lived on farms all of my life and it is truly a way of life as opposed to a job. His mother, sister and her family, brother and his girlfriend and us all live in very close proximity (in different houses). We all pay our own bills and DPs mum takes rent out of our income. She has control of EVERYTHING from actually raking around in bins to make sure I haven't put any recyclable items in the household waste bin (yep through dirty nappies, the lot!!) to what pegs I use to hang my clothes on the washing line with. It really is that petty. I get on with DP's sister, or thought I did until yesterday when I accidentally overheard them (DPs mother and sister) basically bitching about what a totally incompetent mother I am because I allegedly didn't strap my daughter in her pram properly and I have a bit of a back log of laundry to do, which I think is acceptable as I am outside all day then come in to do dinner, feed baby and I'm back out again.to be fair MIL does look after DD quite a lot but its for her benefit anyway as I'm helping to run her farm. When DD was 3 weeks old she told my friend that I "didn't have a clue" what I was doing bearing in mind I was up every hour of the night trying to crack BF off and looking after DSD at the same time whilst DP was busy on the farm. If I have been out with a friend for the day she always makes some sort of remark like "you've taken your time" or "teas going to be late tonight" my DP does like his tea on the table at a certain time but makes exceptions if I've been on a rare day out. I just feel like everything is ruled by her. He bought me some flowers for my birthday last week and she made it clear what a "waste of money" she thought they were. I wouldn't mind but I think I deserved them - I look after both of his kids do all of his laundry, cook all of his meals, do all of his washing up, clean up his mess ( he is unbelievably untidy) and more or less help him full time on the farm (at least 40+ hours a week). DP refuses to do any chores and in a way I sort of agree with him as he works hard. DPs brother also had a bad habit of looking in our window when I was BF DD. Surprisingly enough when I mentioned to his GF that I had stopped BF he didn't bother to look through our window anymore. There's lots more but I don't have the time to go into it and this post is long enough already! Some support or even empathy would be good!

Take your dd and leave, if dp doesn't want to go with you then it wasn't meant to be.
Do it asap, these people aren't nice. Your dd deserves better than to grow up with this unhinged woman.

Your ILs: is their surname Starkadder, by any chance?

Can I ask, does the girlfriend work and live under the same conditions as you, ie working for free on the farm?

I think from the sound of you that you are quite young and you are definitely being taken advantage of badly. Working that hard if it was your own business I can understand but not for a controlling bully.

Time for you to decide what you want and then put it to your husband and tell him he can like it or lump it. His mother won't want to lose him from the farm because she would then need to pay two people to do his job.

She has threatened DP this morning with having the farm 'stitched up' with the other siblings because of a miscommunication issue that has been blown out of all proportion! She decided to bring my family into it. Called my elderly grandmother do lally tap and started slagging my mum off, again. This time DP knew I had seen red. I asked her why she had decided to go off tangent and involve my family in a petty argument that had escalated. I asked her this very calmly and she shouted back 'd

She has threatened DP this morning with having the farm 'stitched up' with the other siblings because of a miscommunication issue that has been blown out of all proportion! She decided to bring my family into it. Called my elderly grandmother do lally tap and started slagging my mum off, again. This time DP knew I had seen red. I asked her why she had decided to go off tangent and involve my family in a petty argument that had escalated. I asked her this very calmly and she shouted back 'don't shout at me.' Any way me an DP have now decided to look for somewhere to rent as we can't carry on like this. She's using the farm as a pawn but knows fine well, after she's gone, DP is the only one who can take over out of her children. She tried to stop me taking DD for her breakfast after I had finished morning shift, so I calmly explained that we have her in a good routine and that we're not going to sacrifice that and took her out. Never know anyone like her. She is just impossible, it's comical sometimes, you could write a bloody book!

I'm 21 and she is my DP's sister not his brothers girlfriend. It's confusing sorry.

MIL has bought TWO houses for DP's sister over the last 10 years and about 3 years ago, had a barn fully converted for them to live in. So that's 3 houses that SIL has had out of this job. She does bits and bobs when she has to but to be fair she has got 3 kids.

I'm glad you're going to find somewhere else to rent but suggest that you take the initiative and get things moving rather than relying too much on DP who doesn't sound like he has much gumption tbh.

I really wouldn't bother with 'calmly explaining' either. Fight fire with fire.

You're only 21? Yeah, I guarantee thats part of why she treats you so badly and undermines your parenting.

Get out as quickly as you can. Make sure you're out within the month. She can give the house to the sister if she's so fond of her, its not your problem what she does with it. Life's too short to live in the lap of someone who radiates such contempt. You're a mother, you're a hard worker, you're plainly not the adolescent she insists on treating you as.

Remember her actions when the initial fury has died down. Don't be lulled into backing down when another carrot is dangled in front of you.
It seems for your MIL it is about the control nothing more I'm afraid. The farm could fall into its own sink hole and she would still hold it over you.

Unfortunately I have distant relatives like this and they would destroy what they had built up in an effort to maintain the control, they would see it as your fault so wouldn't even think ruining the business is down to them, its your fault because you won't behave.

Back away and look for other jobs so she can't threaten anyones job security and get other childcare in place. Prepare for the pressure to be ramped up as you step back. Be in a position where you depend on her for nothing. Maybe relations will improve, maybe they will worsen it depends how far she wants to go to maintain her hold, you are doing the right thing.

Look into the stately homes thread for those with toxic relations it seems your DP may be the scapegoat and his sister the golden child who can do no wrong. Even if that doesn't exactly fit your situation there will be plenty of people in a similar boat with advice on coping mechanisms and an ear to vent whenever the next episode errupts. It also may help understand why she does what she does and how there really is nothing you can do about it and learn to let go of the fear obligation and guilt cycle people can get stuck in as well as the anger.

I also agree with Cogito that I wouldn't wait for DP. I suspect he'll agree you have to go, but keep coming up with excuses how it needs to be next month. And you'll still find yourself there at Christmas.

She's exactly the sort of person who would cut her nose off to spite her face. That's her attitude. She's had it hard. Her husband died and she had a young family to raise, a farm to run and a part time job. But her behaviour, to me, is unacceptable and her attitude is crap. Have spoken to a friend who has a house up for rent and we are going to meet her this afternoon

She's had it hard... so what? I'd be willing to bet she'd be just as nasty & just as manipulative if none of those things had happened. There's no excuse whatsoever for the kind of bad behaviour you're describing.

Suggest you take the house and make your plans to move in (with or without your DP if he starts stalling). Never let Mommie Dearest have a key and, if she kicks off, call her bluff.

You poor love. . As Cog said upthread, this sounds positively medieval, like something out of a nightmare.

This situation is intolerable. She is basically blackmailing you using the threat of the inheritance. She's trying to control you with money. I'm afraid the only thing you can do is to be prepared to walk away from the farm and the inheritance if necessary, and to speak up firmly but politely and set some boundaries. You need to discuss this with your DH and ensure that you can present a united front.

It is bound to cause a ruckus with someone so controlling when you do this, but hopefully in time she will remember that you hold access to her grandchild and possibly also her son and you can re-establish the relationship on a new and more healthy footing. (Don't forget that you, too, hold cards here). I'm glad you're viewing a house - with this type of person you need a solid plan B.

She needs to see that we mean business. I am generally quite calm and collected in my demeanour and yes, she probably does think I am naïve but she's got an old head on young shoulders to deal with here. It's not far away from the farm but its enough of a distance to keep her at bay. I don't think fighting fire with fire is the answer. It will just make things much worse. We will move out and calmly tell her why without turning it into a war of words. As someone said above yes the sister is the golden child who can do no wrong. She likes to think of herself as the mediator in all of this but as soon as you're out of the room she'll be putting her two penneth in. They may think they can take advantage of my nature but unfortunately for them I know exactly what they are like

You are in a very precarious financial position.

You are reliant on your DP and DMiL for your income and your home.
You are basically unpaid labour.
You are expected to work/look after DC & DsD/look after house etc...

Did you ever wonder why things didn't work out between DP and his previous partner?
Did you ever wonder why DP didn't marry his previous partner?

I would set the wheels in motion now to get married, really stick the knife in.

Id stop letting your MIL look after your DD, like, now. If you heard her bitching that you are an incompetent mother (the cheeky cow!) imagine what they may be saying infront of your DD, filling her head with shit.

Had a similar situation when I first got with DP and was socialising with MIL and SIL with DP and a few other people, and they were slagging off BIL's girlfriend (the mother of their granddaughter and niece) and her choices as a mother, aswell as moaning that she dare let her family spend a lot of time with the child. This is why I dont trust them to look after my child alone, some inlaws can be really jealous and sneaky and want to turn your child against you in a way, this is all due to insecurity and them wanting the child to be devoted to their side of the family. They do not seem to behave the same way with the SIL's (male) partners.

I really wouldn't let someone who dared talk that way about me look after my child, whether they are your DH family or not, fuck them.

'She's had it hard.'

This is the excuse constantly given for my MIL's toxic alcoholic behaviour. Among several others:

'Shes depressed'
'Shes had enough'
'You've got to be more understanding'
'Shes done loads for you'

But yes the biggest one commonly churned out is how shes 'had a hard life' - so fucking what so have a lot of us, it doesnt give people the excuse to treat others like shit and behave like an immature obnoxious child.

(All of those said to my DP btw, by toxic SIL)

DP and his ex were engaged but he ended it because they had grown apart. I understand that DPs ex didn't work on the farm because she had no farming background. I also understand that she worked part time/seasonal for just over a year throughout the entirety of their relationship. He said that she was lazy and that just made her more unattractive to him over the period of time they were together.

deste that made me chuckle!! I know it's no excuse to do what she does. She once told me to stop visiting my mum with DD as much as she is "highly strung" and it could rub off on DD. Firstly DM is not highly strung, pot calling kettle black springs to mind!! And secondly how the fuck would it "rub off" on DD,complete bollocks and jealous of the fact there is another grandmother on the scene (her other grand kids grandmothers have either died or live a way off). Not as if she is particularly nice to DD anyway. Fancy telling a 9 month old to "stop smiling at me, it won't work like it does with your mother

She sounds vile. Good for you to have a plan to get out of her clutches.

"He said that she was lazy and that just made her more unattractive to him over the period of time they were together."

This is designed to condition you into thinking that unless you worked like a dog he wouldn't want you any more.

You need to see this whole set up for what it is.

I go out to help him of my own accord. He doesn't ask me I just do it! I have worked on farms all of my life and the general attitude is that you just get stuck in and pull your weight. She was lazy. She had an arse the size of a double decker. Even MIL says 'at least your new woman pulls her weight'