In laws doing my head in!!

[prawnypoos]

Hello everyone. My DP and I are farmers and he been together for 3 years. We have a 4 YO DSD an an almost 9 month old DD together. I love our lifestyle, I have lived on farms all of my life and it is truly a way of life as opposed to a job. His mother, sister and her family, brother and his girlfriend and us all live in very close proximity (in different houses). We all pay our own bills and DPs mum takes rent out of our income. She has control of EVERYTHING from actually raking around in bins to make sure I haven't put any recyclable items in the household waste bin (yep through dirty nappies, the lot!!) to what pegs I use to hang my clothes on the washing line with. It really is that petty. I get on with DP's sister, or thought I did until yesterday when I accidentally overheard them (DPs mother and sister) basically bitching about what a totally incompetent mother I am because I allegedly didn't strap my daughter in her pram properly and I have a bit of a back log of laundry to do, which I think is acceptable as I am outside all day then come in to do dinner, feed baby and I'm back out again.to be fair MIL does look after DD quite a lot but its for her benefit anyway as I'm helping to run her farm. When DD was 3 weeks old she told my friend that I "didn't have a clue" what I was doing bearing in mind I was up every hour of the night trying to crack BF off and looking after DSD at the same time whilst DP was busy on the farm. If I have been out with a friend for the day she always makes some sort of remark like "you've taken your time" or "teas going to be late tonight" my DP does like his tea on the table at a certain time but makes exceptions if I've been on a rare day out. I just feel like everything is ruled by her. He bought me some flowers for my birthday last week and she made it clear what a "waste of money" she thought they were. I wouldn't mind but I think I deserved them - I look after both of his kids do all of his laundry, cook all of his meals, do all of his washing up, clean up his mess ( he is unbelievably untidy) and more or less help him full time on the farm (at least 40+ hours a week). DP refuses to do any chores and in a way I sort of agree with him as he works hard. DPs brother also had a bad habit of looking in our window when I was BF DD. Surprisingly enough when I mentioned to his GF that I had stopped BF he didn't bother to look through our window anymore. There's lots more but I don't have the time to go into it and this post is long enough already! Some support or even empathy would be good!

If she behaves like that then the next day you don't do any work on the farm because you can't as you won't use her as childcare. Be firm about it and see how she likes losing a farm hand.

Oh come on prawnpoos, you let them away with that and still do, how dare they take your child and lock her away from you. That is beyond crazy.

Don't threaten to call the police - Call The Police.

Stop biting your tongue or nothing will improve. That applies to your DP's mother, your DP, his peeping-tom DB and anyone else you meet in life, related or otherwise. DP's mother is as bad as she is because she's been top dog since her DH died, she owns the farm & no-one's had the balls to say 'no' to her down the years for fear of being disinherited or something like that. DP also needs a few home truths. How dare he criticise your DM for a long-gone baby-weight comment but let his own DM bully you on a regular basis?

Stand up for yourself. Zero tolerance.

So they have locked your baby away to prevent you from feeding her and you let them take the baby back into their care the next day ?

Can you really not see how dangerously screwed up this is ?

I know it isn't common etiquette on here but I remember your previous thread about your problems with your dsd and how you feel like your dh puts his dsd before you and your dd. I think with that in mind and all this scenario as well you have to wonder how you've managed to stay sane this long. The whole situation sounds awful and your dh isn't supporting you at all, he's not helping you out with all this or doing his fair share of chores - which he should be doing when you both have this young baby to look after.

I really feel for you.

If DMIL is this twisted just imagine how it will be in 20 years time when she has mild dementia and is still holding all the purse strings.

She could have fallen out with you/Dsil/ DH/ found a toyboy and plan to leave everything to to someone else.

Can you take a job outside the farm and keep your mitts on all earnings and hide it away for the future She is bullying you but I don't see with this set up how you can stand up to her.

Will DH back you if you change the locks and get more control over your income (if you have any ).

This comes to mind.

OP please tell your DP that he either sorts out his dysfunctional mother or you're packing your bags. Follow through if nothing happens. The set-up is a recipe for pure stress, you're risking your own mental health, plus that of your baby in due course, and no-one in that family - and I include your partner - seems to have any respect for you.

What do your own family think of your choice of partner? (And I'd bet hard cash they think you've made a mistake) Would they be supportive if you left? Heave a sigh of relief? Say 'we told you so'?

I don't understand - you say you thought you got on with DP's sister till you heard her bitching about you yesterday. Yet you also say she colludes with MIL in this horrendous business of locking the baby away from you. What on earth??

This sounds like a novel. Does this happen in modern day Britain?

OP, is this the life you were raised to expect? Did your own family behave in a similar way? Or were you normal until you met this shower of pitchfork waving weirdos?

The whole lot of them are keeping you a virtual prisoner, and your DH is the worst offender as he's the one who is meant to love you and your baby yet fails to defend you (unless somebody mentions your weight).

I guess it's not as simple as FTFF (flee the fucking farm) but you do have choices. No adult has to live this way unless they want to.

Do you want to?

Just reading the comments on here makes me realise how bad this is. I think SIL has been stirring things between DP's ex and me too. I stand firm on my comments that DP is a loving partner and father and TBF he does stand up for me with regards to his mother, he is just lazy around the house but then MIL's house is in the most unbelievable state so he's had no example to follow really (and she still has the gall to pester me about disposing of recycling correctly and a bit of laundry). I just hate living so close to the entirety of his 'nearest and dearest'. He has acknowledged that it must be difficult for me and that it would do his head in living so close to my family. I could try and get a job but I have no one to look after my DD (my mum is going away for 4 months next week) and there's no way I can afford child care. Plus there is the issue of who will look after DSD as we want to try and continue to see her as much as we can.

Another example of the control she has - MIL's DD and 2 DS (DP included) have never been married. DP's DB has been with his partner for 11 years, DP has been with me for three (was with his ex for 5) and SIL has been with her partner for over 20 years and they have three kids together. She has always made it clear that she does not support the idea of marriage and would never let them own their own houses because she is aware of divorce and doesn't want the houses surrounding the farm to be sold e.g for a divorce settlement

I can't believe what I'm reading and how you have coped with this all!!!
I would not allow her to have my child to enable me to work on her farm whilst she then takes control and refuses to give you your child back and tells you how to live your life!!
You need to stop now! Is there anyway you can not work for her and just stay at home being a mum and a wife? You wouldn't need to pay childcare and apart from the house she would then have no other hold of you. If she chooses to bitch about you then that's her sad choice but enjoy your life with your children before She takes that precious time away!!! Oh and change the locks!!!

They are adults and can marry if they want to.

My family all have partners but none of us are married. If you want to be married, address this with your dp.

Also it wouldn't surprise me if she was going through your bins clearly to look at any thing she thinks is personal of yours and using the recycling as an excuse. Seems she wants to have control of your life and wants to check any post etc you may be throwing out!

Ah I'm sorry but bollocks to that! I know first hand how these farming families work and how frustrating and strange it can be but that is just beyond crazy. Ultimatum time? Surely you and your daughter are in a hugely vulnerable situation here by having no financial security and no say in how you live? Is this why the relationship with DP's ex broke down?
If your DP wants to make the commitment of marriage he can do so without the blessing of his mother. There are other houses you can rent or buy, and if you get a job the expense and headache of childcare is not down to you alone to sort out!

You work 40 hours a week for free, do everything in the house plus the childcare and you're not even married? So basically your DP (or his mother) can sling you out tomorrow with no good reason and you'd be jobless and homeless. Christ.

I'd try and move your family out of this situation if I were you. Even if you just rent a house somewhere nearby, at least you wouldn't be so dependent on MIL for everything.

Finney is right - I don't think you realise how vulnerable your position is. You might need proper legal advice here.

I would get away as fast and as fast as possible. She can rent the house out to someone else.

Let him work on the farm for her and you either stay at home (which she has no keys to) or find a job and childcare.

If she decides to cut him out of her will, her choice.

This set up is mad, and you are in a very vulnerable situation.

as fast and as far

Get your daughter away from these people right now.

This so far beyond normal. Not letting her own children lead independent lives and using the excuse of not losing out in a divorce as an excuse for not allowing them to leave her, ever.
Not allowing you to see to your own childs needs until you have done what she says, not just saying no but actually locking you out!
Don't let her near your child again.

You cannot allow this to continue. Stuff the child care. You know as soon as you stand up for yourself your house(probably your DPs job as well) and job are gone anyway so leave on your own terms. Tell your DP how serious this is for you and how you won't have her near your child again. Make sure he is aware if he isn't on board with helping to be living your own lives without her input he can stay on is own and put up with her strangling apron strings.

She is doing what's best for her not them as when she dies the farm would have to be split up anyway. So rather than sort out a sensible way of doing this now she controls everyone else to make them do as she wants.

Get proper legal advice but as things stand she thinks she has the right to dictate your entire life and punish you by not allowing access to your own child. You are so vulnerable its not true. People who hold the threat of writing people out of wills as a form of control usually end up doing so no matter how hard you try to please.

I think you should find out how much you are owed for working a 40 hour week on someone's farm that you are not legally married to. You should ask a solicitor about claiming your wages retrospectively when you have sorted out new housing.

You only live once. Try to live happily. Decide whether this place is ever going to do that. Good luck

I know lots of farming families and their situations.
None is anywhere near how you are living.
In my experience, new mothers are always given some slack and all other members of the family rally round.
Matriarch women do exist and push their control around but none that I have known or know of have kept children from their mothers / looked through the bins etc.
as a minimum you need to reduce your hours, take back control of your dd and speak to your dp about the future.