EA? I can't do it anymore...

[BohdiSaurus]

I am so unhappy. My partner is very unaffectionate and I hate it. He's always putting me down and letting me know I'm a lesser person than him. He is the bread winner and he thinks my job is insignificant.
When we discuss this he blames it all on me, the reason he doesn't give affection is because I'm needy, or I ask for it, or because he doesn't respect me.
I end up apologising and saying il make an effort to change.
Then either he will make a small effort for a few weeks but it always always goes back to nothing.

I have been ill for a few days, he simply does not care. He wouldn't ever ask how I'm feeling or if he can do anything.
He pretty much ignores me.
I was curled up on the sofa last night feeling terrible when he demanded I went to the shop, I said I was ill and he was so angry with me, I'm a wimp because I could have gone.

This morning he gets up leaving me in bed. He starts shouting up that he needs sandwiches in 10 minutes.
That's it. No good morning. No cuddle in bed. No 'how are you feeling?' Nothing.

I've tried to speak to him today through text and the only response I got it 'negative negative negative, sort it out'

I'm sorry it's so long.... Does this sound like an Emotionally Abusive relationship?

"I just want love and affection and a kind word from the person I thought I would spend my life with".

You will get none of that from him and you are with the wrong person.

Changing one aspect of your own behaviour is hard enough and this man has spent a lifetime within an abusive environment himself. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him besides which he does not want your help. He hates all women and hates you. He blames you for the mess of his life.

I now know he is emotionally abusive.
I want him to recognise this and change.
He is not a monster! I'm not scared of him. He is not violent. He just makes me sad.
I know I don't have to put up with it.
But I see so many ltb responses on mn and no 'work on it' responses.

OP, honestly, I think you have became conditioned to accept that this this is actually ok, it really isn't, most people in healthy and happy relationships just do not speak to their partners this way, it doesn't have to be a physical hit.

Not one person out of 3 pages of reply are going to tell you otherwise, it's not normal.

I never said LTB, I said don't accept his behaviour and I don't think many others have said LTB either.

You can't fix a problem that has been created by someone else, who clearly thinks it's alright to verbally abuse another human being.

Do you really think he is a good friend?!

He absolutely is not.

Your child is growing up in an abusive home I'm afraid. The way he treats you without any respect is abusive. Does he treat your child in the same way - expecting certain behaviour and stonewalling/punishing if he doesn't get it? Does he deprive him of affection and love too?

"I now know he is emotionally abusive.
I want him to recognise this and change"

What you want of him will not happen, you need to accept that. Emotionally abusive men remain abusive.

"He is not a monster! I'm not scared of him. He is not violent. He just makes me sad.
I know I don't have to put up with it.
But I see so many ltb responses on mn and no 'work on it' responses".

He makes you sad because he emotionally abuses you. Abuse is not just physical in nature. You are likely to be scared of him on some level, you have certainly changed your own behaviours to try and meet his ever changing demands. He refuses to talk, stonewalls you and treats you like a slave. And I presume as well that you did get up and make him his own sandwiches. Who died and made him king?.

But yes you do not have to put up with this from him.

Such abusive relationships CANNOT be worked on, hence the leave responses. You cannot rescue and or save someone like this man you are with.

Ok.
I just need to concentrate on what I want from my life.
What I want for my child.
I know this.

The reason you are not getting 'work on it' responses is because you cannot change someone else. It is so hard to realise that your relationship is abusive and that there is nothing that you can do to make someone behave decently towards you. I've been there, as have many other posters. You can't change him, you can't work on it by yourself. If he wasn't abusive to you and it was just a matter of communicating better for example, then maybe you could work on it, but it takes two people to make a relationship work.

Right now you are the one making all the sacrifices, you are the one trying to make it better. He isn't because he doesn't care about the way you feel or that he is hurting you. You can't fix that. You can only leave and make the decision to refuse to allow yourself to be treated like this any more.

I know it's scary but it's not till you get out that you get some perspective and realise just how messed up it is.

I hope you can get out, for your sake, and your son's.

I'm very much in agreement with Sylvan's eloquent response to your situation, OP. I hope you're being kind to yourself while your mind catches up with what must be a zillion thoughts and feelings racing round.

He is not a friend or good father because he is emotionally abusing you. Your love for him and hope of his for you (which you put a lot of emphasis on in your posts) don't make up for his actions, which are anything but loving.

You say you worry you might have to stop work, why? Do you do the domestic work and most childcare? Why are you making his sandwiches and shopping for him?

If you do seek counselling, best go alone and pick a good counsellor, eg with experience with people in abusive relationships, bacp registered.

I work part time 26 hours a week and yes I look after my son the rest of the time. I work long days to fit around him. I would struggle for money (and probably be better off on benefits) and the childcare aspect.
I know I know...excuses :-(

OP, yes it's EA. However - and I'll get flamed for saying this - I believe there's a possibility he can change, but he needs to admit he's got a problem first. The key is his relationship with his dad - if he can understand he's letting history repeat itself (a terrifying prospect for him) that might shock/shame him into trying to change himself. As someone once said, if you want to see a grown man cry, take him to a safe place and ask him to talk about his father.

I also don't think that joint counseling is necessarily a bad idea. I don't think he knows he is abusive (or at least admits it to himself) so I doubt a decent counselor is going to be taken in. He's clearly unhappy and probably blames lots of things for his unhappiness - you, family responsibilities, his job, anything but the reality that he was damaged by his toxic father and is now in danger of doing the same to his own son, who will do it to his son, etc etc. A good counselor can help open his eyes.

And yes, show him the thread. To the rest of you: bring on the fire!

OPohdear, your advice is terrible, sorry to say. And I don't understand your call to arms, tbh

This man is abusive. Joint counselling is not recommended and any good counsellor will refuse to see them together. Have a look at countless MN Relationships threads explain why this is so. Ditto showing him this thread. To summarise, doing either/both of these ill advised things will simply give him a larger stick to beat her with.

to explain

Yes BodhiSaurus they are excuses. These are also not good enough reasons to stay, not even close.

He basically has transferred all the crap he learnt in his childhood into his own adult relationship with you now. Its not working out and it will likely not work long term. Its not working in the short term is it?.

You have a choice re him, your children do not. Do you really want these children growing up seeing him do this to you and taking that to be their "norm"?.

I doubt very much that your man thinks he is actually like his dad anyway because his own father was/is physically abusive and he is not because you state he has never laid a hand to you. Did his mother leave or are his parents still together (god forbid)?.

Look what he learnt from that awful childhood of his (it is still no excuse or justification for his actions now and he is making a conscious choice here to behave as he does) and look too at what your children are seeing now in their parents relationship with each other. Your bloke is having a one man private war with you; the roots of that were embedded long before you met and you are not his therapist by any means. As his partner you are too close to the situation to be of any use to "help" him and he does not want your help anyway. You cannot love him better. The fact that he does not physically hit you is immaterial, he does not have to hit you to hurt you. He uses words instead and that is death by 1000 cuts for you.

Such men as well tend to be completely averse to counselling (if he stonewalls you so readily what would make anyone think that he would see a counsellor?) and you need to be able in any case to talk freely without him wanting to blame you for all the problems. Joint counselling will not work. You admit now that he is emotionally abusive and as such joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship in any case. A counsellor would never see the two of you together anyway due to the ongoing emotional abuse he metes out.

Change will only come if you enforce a change by walking away from him. Then he may or may not wake up; chances are he will not anyway and still make you out to be the bad one here by crying/bitching to others that "she left me!!".

OPohdear here is a little taster for you

AF, I've already read the thread (and the Lundy extract), I just don't agree with it. If the DH knew he was being abusive, and still continued with the abuse, that would be different, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. What I'm seeing is a frightened boy acting out a version of his dad's abusive behaviour, and taking his fears and frustrations out on 'mum'. Awful, yes, but impossible to change? I don't think there's any way of knowing. Maybe counselling would work, maybe not, but there's only one way to find out...

OPoh, by definition abusers do not accept they are abusive

Individual counselling, yes (for him). Why should the OP attend ...there is nothing wrong with her behaviour

OP should only accept there might be a chance for their relationship long term if he fully accepts he is the problem and takes autonomous steps to get help for himself.

OHpoh, plenty of men have shitty upbringings and don't abuse their partners. even assuming this man has potential and willingness to change (not certain) and professional help to do so, the stand by / rescue your man, give him chance after chance routine has little in it for OP.

OP has put up with his shit for a long time, no doubt given him years of her life, and deserves better, now. As does their DS. Should he wish to do so he could work on himself by himself and be a father to his DS, and OP could get on with things without being abused.

Counselling isn't recommended by counsellors when there is abuse because it doesn't work poh.

The vast majority of abusers had bad childhoods where they learned to abuse and therefore don't really realise they are being abusive - so?

Just what are you hoping to achieve with that advice?

A good friend of mine with young DS was in a situation much like OP. partner had sad history and some good qualities, she tried for years to get him to change, hoped, but he didn't. She had concerns about money, coping alone and so on.

She left when her 4 year old DS began speaking to her like his father did.

She left, he languished and cried, she told him she would consider taking him back after a break of a year, if he changed. He didn't. Sees his DS frequently but provides little care, and is now abusing a new partner, thankfully with no DC. She married someone nicer.

Don't show him the thread!!
He sounds like an utter wanker and I want to come and rip his throat out and I don't even know him!
This is NOT a normal relationship. This is enormously abusive and wrong.
Get out and learn to love yourself and find someone who appreciates all you do for them.

I do not think one man is worth putting yourself through years of shit for. One life, that is all we get.

Let him sort his own issues out, away from you. You are not his emotional punchbag, his ever ready sponge to soak up all his anger and contempt for himself.

Abuse in this context comes from a sense of entitlement, and a severe deficit in empathy. Abusers think their partners ought to think what they think, and do what they want them to do. They think that is their function. The idea that their partner might have needs and feelings of their own baffles and infuriates them.

This is why your H was so indifferent and angry when you were ill, OP. You weren't servicing his needs, and had some of your own. To him, that was just irritating, and needed to be dealt with ASAP, so that normal service could be resumed.

This is where 'negative negative negative, sort it out' comes from. He needs you fully functioning, like an appliance. And quickly, jump to it! :(

These aren't the words of a genuinely caring man. And no amount of counselling can turn an uncaring person into a caring one. With abusers, the only way is out.