EA? I can't do it anymore...

[BohdiSaurus]

I am so unhappy. My partner is very unaffectionate and I hate it. He's always putting me down and letting me know I'm a lesser person than him. He is the bread winner and he thinks my job is insignificant.
When we discuss this he blames it all on me, the reason he doesn't give affection is because I'm needy, or I ask for it, or because he doesn't respect me.
I end up apologising and saying il make an effort to change.
Then either he will make a small effort for a few weeks but it always always goes back to nothing.

I have been ill for a few days, he simply does not care. He wouldn't ever ask how I'm feeling or if he can do anything.
He pretty much ignores me.
I was curled up on the sofa last night feeling terrible when he demanded I went to the shop, I said I was ill and he was so angry with me, I'm a wimp because I could have gone.

This morning he gets up leaving me in bed. He starts shouting up that he needs sandwiches in 10 minutes.
That's it. No good morning. No cuddle in bed. No 'how are you feeling?' Nothing.

I've tried to speak to him today through text and the only response I got it 'negative negative negative, sort it out'

I'm sorry it's so long.... Does this sound like an Emotionally Abusive relationship?

NO also to you showing him this thread either!!. You need to talk without his knowledge and receive other opinions. You will cut off your own lifeline if you were frankly daft enough to show him this thread.

You know this is not right otherwise you would not have posted.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. Your boundaries on relationships are well skewed because of him and you need to be free of him as does your son. He is neither a decent father to your son either if he abuses you. Your son is watching you being abused by his dad.

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid. I would urge you to call them today.

I absolutely do not feel my child is in an abusive home.
They are happy and most definitely do not fear their Dad.
This is between me and him. And I know it's wrong and I know I don't need to put up with it.
I'm on the verge of leaving I suppose showing him this thread or the suggestion of counselling is my last attempt. I'm a lot younger than him and I feel I can start again with someone else and be happy....I just wish I was him.

You get one life. Don't waste it on waiting for someone to change into the person you want him to be. It won't happen.

I spent twenty years doing that. How I regret it. Now I have a relationship that is everything I wanted and more, I can't tell you what a difference it's made to my life.

Get out of there, find someone who loves you. This man doesn't.

Why is showing him this thread a bad thing?
Worse case is he will say it's all a bunch of housewives who hate men...
He can't and doesn't try and make out that this is in my head...

Thankyou Puny....
I do feel like that. I just wish my child wouldn't be affected.
I worry about housing.
I worry about having to give up work.
I worry about struggling.
I worry about sharing my child.
I worry about where to start.

He puts you down, tells you that you are a lesser person than him, he calls you needy for wanting affection and he says he doesn't respect you and you end up apologising.

If you can't see any of that as nasty then I don't think you are actually accepting what is going on here.

"This is between me and him"

Well its really a private war of your man's making against you. This is about power and control; this man wants absolute over you. He hates you and all women actually.

Your son is picking up on all the vibes that you and your bloke give off. They're all negative feelings. Also your son will become profoundly affected by his dad's private war against you and will want to protect you from his dad. An alternative scenario is that your son copies his dad's behaviour and does the same to you.

Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships?.

You have wondered whether this is an emotionally abusive relationship and it is. Your son will definitely cop all the fallout from it because you cannot protect him from the realities of your own self being abused by your bloke.

You are young (I guessed as much that he was much older than you) and you can and should start again. You can get away from this callous individual if you choose to. No man is above the law and you are not powerless.

"Why is showing him this thread a bad thing?"

Because doing that will cut off your nose to spite your face. He could then deny you all access to the net or punish you in some manner for having the gall to write about him.

Denial is a powerful force but you have got to get your head out of the sand here for your sake as much as your childrens.

No-one wants to admit to themselves that they chose a man so badly but you cannot compound that error of judgment by staying with this person. Abusers as well can be nice sometimes and doubtless he has been nice on occasion. If you were to think about it properly you would perhaps see that his periods of niceness have become far less and for far shorter periods of time over the course of this relationship.

I know.
He won't cut off internet or be cross I've spoken.
He will just refuse to discuss it or tell me to go.

A child will learn from their parents, would you want your son treating you or his future partner like this? your partner will not change, you are just a chaperone/slave/nanny to him, I know it sounds harsh, but I'm sure you can be so much happier, and your son could be too, it may seem like its splitting up the family, but sometimes its better that way, children pick up on vibes and if both parents are unhappy the child will be too, if he's such a good dad then he will be there for your son if you do split, also it may even teach your partner a lesson, that he can't treat people this way!

His reaction would not be favourable anyway and he could ask you to leave (particularly if the property is solely his). Someone who refuses to discuss anything is also not a candidate at all for counselling.

What are his parents like; I would put a fiver on it that they are very similar. The rotten apple did not fall far from the tree.

You would be far better off apart anyway. He simply does not give a damn for you because you are in his eyes beneath contempt.

"A child will learn from their parents, would you want your son treating you or his future partner like this?"

Babblehag's comment above is also why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

I had a happy childhood brought up with my siblings by a single mother.

He had an extremely abusive father.
Physically abusive to him and his mum.

He has never been physical with me. And is disgusted by his Dads behaviour so he never would.

I told him I am getting advice and his reply was
'I don't want to come home to all this again'
Meaning me being upset and wanting to discuss our relationship.

*holding my breath here ...

...... and when he tells you to go after you have shown him this thread and, no doubt, made him feel exposed and humiliated in front of more contemptible women ... will you be allowed to take your child/children with you ... or maybe just a few bruises?

The life and environment you describe is utterly miserable, unhealthy and definitely abusive with so many bells ringing further alarm because I think he sounds like the type to go "boom" ...

Please be careful OP.

"He had an extremely abusive father.
Physically abusive to him and his mum"

He does not have to hit you at all to hurt you. He controls you by emotionally abusing you instead. Abuse can be emotional as well as physical and your man has learnt instead how to be emotionally abusive. He knows no other way. You cannot rescue and or save him, you do realise this don't you or are you still wanting to rescue him from his own demons?.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

I'm sorry BodhiSaurus - my response above might upset or offend you.
I am just very worried about your situation ...

If he tells me to leave I will.
If he would just admit he doesn't love me I would leave. But he won't.
He 100% will not harm me physically. And he's not the type to go 'boom' he would stonewall me.

I told him I am getting advice and his reply was
'I don't want to come home to all this again'

But he will and he will make you pay.

I do really appreciate all your advice. I need it.
I understand some are worried but it's not like that.
He is emotionally cold and sometimes demanding I do what he wants. It hurts my feelings massively.
But I'm in no danger at all, he would never hurt me.

Stonewalling you is abusive behaviour.

I guess you never had many if any male role models in your life.

I am also very worried about your situation but you cannot sit back and take this any more; I bet you are a far different person now (far more downtrodden and conditioned) to the person you were prior to meeting him.

I'm a happy mum, love my child, my life, my job. I am happy with all that.
I just want love and affection and a kind word from the person I thought I would spend my life with.

"He is emotionally cold and sometimes demanding I do what he wants. It hurts my feelings massively.
But I'm in no danger at all, he would never hurt me".

You do what he wants and doing that hurts your feelings, he has trained you well and you have become conditioned by him over time to accept his abuse of you. He used your youth against you, he knew how naïve you were and took full advantage.

But again, he does not have to hit you to hurt you. He is damaging you and by turn your children emotionally. You are at risk of being harmed, perhaps not physically, but emotionally. Such men take years to recover from.