EA? I can't do it anymore...

[BohdiSaurus]

I am so unhappy. My partner is very unaffectionate and I hate it. He's always putting me down and letting me know I'm a lesser person than him. He is the bread winner and he thinks my job is insignificant.
When we discuss this he blames it all on me, the reason he doesn't give affection is because I'm needy, or I ask for it, or because he doesn't respect me.
I end up apologising and saying il make an effort to change.
Then either he will make a small effort for a few weeks but it always always goes back to nothing.

I have been ill for a few days, he simply does not care. He wouldn't ever ask how I'm feeling or if he can do anything.
He pretty much ignores me.
I was curled up on the sofa last night feeling terrible when he demanded I went to the shop, I said I was ill and he was so angry with me, I'm a wimp because I could have gone.

This morning he gets up leaving me in bed. He starts shouting up that he needs sandwiches in 10 minutes.
That's it. No good morning. No cuddle in bed. No 'how are you feeling?' Nothing.

I've tried to speak to him today through text and the only response I got it 'negative negative negative, sort it out'

I'm sorry it's so long.... Does this sound like an Emotionally Abusive relationship?

[Blueuggboots]

My mother has lived with EA for 42 years of marriage.
My dad is lovely a lot of the time, but then has rages about the most ridiculous things and withholds affection for weeks at a time and refuses to talk to her, stating it is all her fault.
My mum lives in fear of his rages and often walks on eggshells rather than risk him going off on one.
My Grandma (paternal) did the same because my Grandad was exactly the same as my dad is, and I believe her holding her feelings in for the 72 years they were together
eventually led to her dementia - or certainly didn't help!
So I can see the link with father and son too.

[BohdiSaurus]

I've told him how I feel and he quietly accepted it. He doesn't feel he is subjecting me to abuse. And he won't read the thread. I said unless he accepts the problem I have nothing to say. And if that's the case them I'm leaving. I'm strangely calm and feel better knowing it's not me.
I do feel he isn't aware of how he is being.
I feel more in control and I can take my son and stay with my mum if I need to.

[BohdiSaurus]

He just came and gave me a huge hug and said he wants this relationship to work.
I think he gets nervous when I take matters into my own hands.
I think for the first time I've made a stand and made him realise I'm not living this way.
Do you think this is possible? That he will make the required effort or is this just manipulative behaviour to keep me sweet?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He knows that you are finally and potentially serious about leaving him hence his behaviour towards you now. This is actually all part of his ongoing nice/nasty cycle and will revert to type when he thinks he can safely do so. Its all very manipulative and designed to wear you further down as well as give you a false dawn. He does not so much want this to work as much as having a woman (well any woman actually will do) around to keep serving him and his many needs and wants.

There is still no will or desire on his part to actually acknowledge any wrong doing to you, let alone take any responsibility for his actions. He has certainly not apologised at all for his recent behaviour has he?.

[AnyFucker]

He knows you don't mean it. He will say a few pretty words, let a few tears slip from his puppy dog eyes and bam you are back in the room.

[AnyFucker]

OP, if I can tell that you are game playing then rest assured that he, who knows how to press your buttons the best, is not fooled

You have to mean it, love. It's all just more time wasting if you don't.

[BohdiSaurus]

I am afraid of that. I don't want to believe that.
But I'm feeling wiser. And stronger.
I won't let it go back.
I need him to read and admit first and be willing to go to counselling. Alone.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I've told him how I feel and he quietly accepted it. He doesn't feel he is subjecting me to abuse.

Oh but he is. He is subjecting you to abuse of an emotional kind and that is just as damaging as physical and leaves scars. Men like him will and do take their victims a long time to recover from. Re your second sentence, well I did state as much to you in my previous replies, he does not think he is doing anything wrong (because unlike his dad he is not using his fists).

"And he won't read the thread".

Thank goodness for that but I would be very careful and make sure that he does not know your username. Your main priority is you and your children now, not him.

"I said unless he accepts the problem I have nothing to say. And if that's the case them I'm leaving".

So why have you not left?.
What was his response to the above btw?.

"I'm strangely calm and feel better knowing it's not me.
I do feel he isn't aware of how he is being".

Its not you, its him. As mentioned, that is no surprise to me at all.

"I feel more in control and I can take my son and stay with my mum if I need to".

Be fully prepared to act on that at very short notice. You will also need to take the important documents (bank statements, birth certs etc) with you.

[AnyFucker]

I need him to read and admit first and be willing to go to counselling. Alone.

Would he be willing to separate and give you some space while he does just that and allows you some time to consider whether you actually think he is worth the heartache ?

[AnyFucker]

Already you have back tracked. You have said you are gone if he does not admit he is treating you wrongly.

He denies it.

You are still there.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I need him to read and admit first and be willing to go to counselling. Alone".

Read what?. He will do neither. He has already told you that he does not feel he is abusing you. He has not mentioned counselling and will likely not do so either. He'll continue to bawl at you to make his sandwiches quick smart.

The only way you can move forward here is for YOU to completely disengage both emotionally and physically from his malign presence. He is quite happy as he is and will use his hang dog eyed appearance on you to the greatest effect possible to sucker you right back in there.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something is keeping you still within this, you are still there after all despite you telling him you would be gone. So what is holding you back?. A fear of being single, a need within you still to rescue and or save this man for instance?.

[BohdiSaurus]

I have all mine and my sons personal and important documents in a file in a hidden place. Ive spoken to my mum and she's happy to have us whenever.
In my heart i dont want to split up. But i know its not going to change.
I think im going to stay with my mum and give us some space, and give him the opportunity to makes some personal changes.
I think he has lots of issue to work out and im just one of them.
He will not be happy if i take my son away.
But if he really wants us with him then he will make the effort, counselling etc. If he doesnt then it confirms he really doesnt care.

I know lots of you feel i should have left already.
But i feel better now.
More in control.

[BohdiSaurus]

Attila - I dont know.
The fact i know he can be lovely.
I know he has a lot of unresolved issues non related to me.
My son having a family.
The fact i want know i did all I could do.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"In my heart i dont want to split up. But i know its not going to change"

Well that is your answer. Head has to overrule heart here and you need to love your own self for a change. You can be apart and happier and he can still co-parent his son unless he gives himself enough rope to harm that relationship as well by his actions. Its his choice ultimately on that front.

Well done for already gathering up some important documents. Ensure you have photos as well. I would urge you to stay with your mother and for as long as you think necessary (and that will be for far longer than say 6 weeks).

[AnyFucker]

He can be lovely when he wants to

All abusers can be lovely. I expect Adolf Hitler had a soft side.

[AnyFucker]

I wish you well, OP. But you have to start putting you and your son first. Your child is being taught damaging lessons here...by both his parents.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I'm sure he can and has been lovely sometimes but abusers do nice/nasty very well. Its all part of the power and control cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. If you look at it more closely you may well find that over time his overall niceness has decreased markedly towards you. He probably could not do enough for you in the very early days and was indeed on his best behaviour.

You have done all you can to keep this going and you cannot keep flogging a dead horse here. Your son won't thank you for staying within this and may well despise you for doing so were you to choose to. He could well wonder of you why you put a man before him. Your man cannot and will not accept any responsibility here for his actions. He cannot accept that he has indeed been abusive towards you; again he is not contrite nor taking any responsibility for his actions. Over time as well he may again change his tune and blame you for his actions.

[foslady]

Bohdi I was you 5 years ago. Everything you have described was my life.
I'm on my own now. I won't say it's easy, it isn't always, BUT it is much calmer. I have peace of mind. I have self worth. Most importantly our daughter is not learning that what we had was an acceptable relationship.

Keep going and stay strong - there's a lot of people who will help support you

[Babblehag]

They can all be lovely op, my ex h used to be adorable and romantic, would by me flowers and chocolate and even write a long apology in a sorry card every time he hit me, well for the first couple of years any way, then it became the norm !!

I would suggest leaving him even if for a few days as a shock tactic, it would give you both a break, he may even decide to try and address his issues if he can see that your serious about leaving.

It might also give you enough breathing space to see that he is being abusive and how unhealthy it is for you, it'll certainly give you an opportunity for you to be able to relax without worrying about him.

[HolgerDanske]

I think the title you chose for this is very telling.

I think you already know that you cannot do this anymore.

Everything else you are feeling is down to fear of the unknown. You are putting roadblocks in the way of what the real you, the part of you that knows what is best for you, is urging you to do. That's understandable. It is frightening to be all alone and start over again. But the reality is so much less frightening than the idea of it. You're stronger than you think.

You'll do it.

[OPohdear]

OP, well done for taking this important step and standing up to him. It will be very hard for him to admit he's been abusive, but with the right therapy he might get there. In the meantime, keep your options open. Some time at your mum's will show him you're serious.

AF, you say 'by definition abusers do not accept they are abusive' but this really doesn't make any sense. By what definition? I'm sure plenty of abusers know exactly what they are doing, and I'd agree counseling probably won't work for them. But others are just following normalised unhealthy behaviour and have no idea that what they're doing is wrong. Counseling and therapy can help them, I'm sure.

[BohdiSaurus]

Thankyou, I'm sleeping in my sons spare bed tonight. Feeling calm and in control.
I was a mess this morning and very emotional.
Thankyou for all your wise words and support.
I'm leaving for my mums in the morning, my some will think it's a holiday :-)
It will if anything give me time to plan.
Thankyou again

[AnyFucker]

Good luck, Bohdi

[Jan45]

Best wishes.