Can women really be friends with a man and it mean nothing?

[ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts]

I'm not really a regular on the relationship board but I have posted a few times with the occasional problems dh and I have had.

Now we have an issue regarding a male friend I have. he is the dp of one of my very good female friends and our kids play together most weekends and go to school together. I have become good friends with her dp over the past few months and regard both her amd him as my friends.

dh isn't happy with it. he thinks he has ulterior motives. he says he trusts me but doesn't trust him (!) - I dont think he can say this. if he trusts me implicitly then it should make no odds imo.

me and the male friend occasionally sent each other the odd text but my dh made me stop texting him as he thought it was weird.

I think he is being totally unreasonable.

am I wrong? nothing remotely flirtatious with the friend no feelings whatsoever on either side but dh just won't hear me.

My other half texts his female friends. I have no problem with it. I text the husband of my close female friend. She texts my husband. No problem. We chat about music, politics, plants, work.

Like I said earlier, it's all about the quality of the men (or women) you hang out with. Our friends are happy together, they are decent, honest. I have no concerns whatsoever about my other half having his own friendships independent of and also complementary to mine.

Heckles? Hackles!

Sometimes you got to drop hints too. This is what I do. "Oh my bf would not like this." Or some males will also drop hints as well. "That reminded me that my wife need some toothpaste." Or if you are in Yorkshire, this is a very direct and blunt way too "You're going to get me into trouble."

They are all very polite but indirect way to draw a boundary and a line. The way that I am talking on here, is how I normally talk to my girlfriends on issues like this. Sometimes you do need to check our own judgement a little bit. But it is one of those situation that you got to ask of yourself, what does it mean, and how will things pan out. Or to ask yourself truly why you interact with this person to begin with. That is how I normally deal with this.

And sometimes you have to choose as well. I used to go salsa dancing, and not very many of my dates past the test and they gave me a "you just danced in front of me with another man, while we are on a date" kind of look. I never used to think twice about it, but in hindsight, I can see why they are jealous. Even now, I only dance with certain regulars and not with those who I do not know. I also try not to go dancing as much since I realised that place is more of a meat market. Oh, I used to be very defiant... Until of course, you fell in love with someone, and that someone also do not give you as much consideration or respect or intimacies with you too. That is when it truly hurts.

I don't know why people keep posting saying they don't mind about male female friends. The ops husband DOES mind so it's different.

Does your friend know that your friendship with her fiance is taking priority over your marriage?

Well the suggestion is that he is therefore a controlling twat.

He might be a controlling twat but I don't think this alone is evidence of it.

Because it provides evidence that his thinking may not be typical that is why.

makes a lot of sense Mig

I think some people (not dissing anyone on this thread, just in my personal experience) aren't really good at just chatting about neutral "stuff", they have to make everything emotionally and sexually loaded?

So if they have a female 'friend', some sort of dramatic emotional interaction has to be going on. Or they're sussing everyone out as a potential prospect. The first judgement on a woman: is she fit? is she available? what does she think of ME?

What's that sgbrass says, about some men sexist who are incapable of thinking of a woman as anything beyond a cross between a pet and a hosuehold appliance?

Some men won't have any use for a woman unless they can treat her as a 'thing' (eg, I used to know some guys who'd only ever make 'friends' with Japanese students who hardly spoke any English and had nothing in common, and then they'd project their creepy fantasies onto them and use them as pseudo girlfriends) or unless she wants to 'mother' him and take the lead.

But on the other hand: there is a significant proportion of blokes who do treat women as actual people, who are, like them, interested in the mainstream things in life, which sounds more like your cohort.

Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex. I think I get on better with men I don't know why. It wouldn't bother me if my dh was texting any of our mutual friends. I have an old friend that I'm in contact with on and off, just keep in touch hi how's all type chat. Dh has no prob with me texting him at all even though I was open with him from the beginning that I had feelings for him years ago, before dh and I met. I'm pretty sure he felt the same but we just never did anything about it. First time I met his now wife (they weren't even dating at the time) she cornered me in a pub toilet and warned me off him! She has always feigned liking me but I know she doesn't as she has let it slip a couple times after a few drinks. I've confronted her on it and tried to reassure her there is nothing there but she denied she feels that way. I know that she would prefer it if I wasn't in contact with her dh but I just think she needs to get over herself now. I am very happily married to my lovely dh with children and would never jeopardise that.

But friendships that pre date the relationship are different.

Why would I suddenly start hooking up with my mates husband for er neutral conversations? It seems bizarre to me.

I guess maybe some people are simply friendlier than others. I set that friendship bar v high ;)

Most of my friends are male, there are 6 of us in my close friendship group and only two female. I have done things with two of the guys just us, one of the guys took me out once with the others when his girlfriend (the other girl in the group) was paying for herself.

I have a guy I have been friends with for over 11 years, met him just after my first wedding when I started working for his wife. We both have a history of mental health problems, he supported me through an abusive marriage which is how we got close, he sort of took me on like a little sister. We've been friends since, close since about six months later. He knows pretty much everything I get up to. We do flirt a bit, but even if he wasn't married I don't think we would be a couple.

I don't see the difference between making a friendship with a man to making a friendship with a woman.

Not all our friendships predate our relationship. As you move through life you meet new people all the time. How awful to assume that there will always be a sexual or dishonest subtext because you perceive humans to be prisoners of their baser instincts or indeed to possess them across the board in an indiscriminate manner.

The choice of words' hooking up' says a lot. Our friendships do not involve 'hooking up'. My husband meeting female friend for coffee in town is not hooking up. Neither is my playing guitar with her husband, meeting him for a drink or popping round their house when only one of them is in- we both do that. I recently spent the afternoon gardening with him to surprise his wife when she came home from taking a school trip abroad.

Some people lead such paranoid, untrusting lives. I would wager it is that atttitude that makes you more prone to betraying somebody because you see sexual undercurrents in everything.

I once knew a woman who was a bit like Bubbles out of Little Britain -convinced everyone was a potential sexual prospect/interested in her

Everyone was secretly lusting after her, or sending her secret signals they wanted an affair with her. She'd get 'moments of chemistry' with everyone she encountered.

She was a very intelligent, well-spoken woman, and of course if she asked for work/car/career advice a lot of men were willing to help, but she'd then turn that into 'oh, he only did it because he fancied me'.

When she interacted with males, she'd ask them very intimate questions, like there was NOTHING else to be interested in. Or talk about her 'boobs' and mine loudly.

When I was single, I made the mistake of mentioning that I hadn't been on a date for yonks. So then, if some grubby old man was staring at me in a bar 'he likes you, go and talk to him'

I think she was a bit hyper-sexualised herself, so brought that way of thinking into all her interactions?

What Mignonette said, exactly.

I have a male friend who is also a work colleague. We don't discuss emotional issues or gaze yearningly at each other over a coffee. We share a sense of humour and talk about books we like, films we've seen (with our spouses, not each other)and what's going on at work.

I know for some of you that is obviously tantamount to having sex in public, but as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

LeBear Yep, a cigar is just a cigar and as Hemingway once said in a letter to George Berenson 'the fish is a fiah, the old man is an old man, the sea is just the sea- sometimes things are exactly as they are'

In have many male friends who I haven't fancied in the slightest ,I tend to click better with them for some reason. However that being said ,about 75% of those male friends have gone on to have feelings for me. That definitely isn't a boast I'm just saying that if a guy invests a lot of time in you then maybe there's some interest there... My brother had a female best friend who he fancies ,she knows it ,but they still get on great even though he knows there's no chance.

whoa this is picked up since last night. im on the app so will answer as best I can.

opohdear - yes he is their bio father. theyve been together for about 6 years and just have a long engagement.

he is a similar age to us all.

it was just nice to chat and nothing was ever said that would have been any different to a female friend. chat about kids, what we did at weekends, inviting me and kids over for cuppa etc. no flattery or flirting. we have a similar sense of humour.

we dont meet up on our own. if we do he amd she are always together. me and my dh aren't usually together in social daytime situations due to opposite working patterns hence my free time at weekends.

when I said hes like my brother I didnt mean in the closeness I just meant I really dont fancy him at all and itd be like fancying your brother. just weird. Im really rubbish at explaining what I mean and some of these responses are really making me wonder whether I am totally in the wrong here.

You don't meet up on your own?

Ok I retract my view ;)

Mignonette, I for one don't lead a paranoid or untrusting life. I love my family and friends (male and female) v much and if that means avoiding forming close relationships with my friends husbands because I feel sure they will be unable to withstand my allure then so be it.

Thanks OP. One more question: have you ever told your friend (or her DP) about any relationship problems you've had with your DH?

I haven't said at any point that we met up alone. we have been left alone together but with children present while one of us popped to shop or some such.

yes my friend and I talk about anything and everything. she is aware of any problems we have had as I am aware of their problems.

I was under the impression you met up on your own , apologies.

I still think though it's a mistake to peruse a friendship that's upsetting your spouse. And I still think the brother comment is off.

I would never do anything to hurt my friend. she is completely aware of how well I get on with her DP. she knew we text occasionally but as I said up thread that has stopped now.