Can women really be friends with a man and it mean nothing?

[ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts]

I'm not really a regular on the relationship board but I have posted a few times with the occasional problems dh and I have had.

Now we have an issue regarding a male friend I have. he is the dp of one of my very good female friends and our kids play together most weekends and go to school together. I have become good friends with her dp over the past few months and regard both her amd him as my friends.

dh isn't happy with it. he thinks he has ulterior motives. he says he trusts me but doesn't trust him (!) - I dont think he can say this. if he trusts me implicitly then it should make no odds imo.

me and the male friend occasionally sent each other the odd text but my dh made me stop texting him as he thought it was weird.

I think he is being totally unreasonable.

am I wrong? nothing remotely flirtatious with the friend no feelings whatsoever on either side but dh just won't hear me.

Is there a reason why your DH is possessive in just this one case? I wonder if he smells something off this guy that you don't see?

I have to say though, you say you are 100% sure the guy isn't attracted to you and I would have said the same about some of my male friends until they made moves on me.

Sometimes you just can't tell that easily. Maybe your DH has a sixth sense on it?

If he does like me, then yes I am totally oblivious to it. we dont flirt with each other. we arent touchy feely. we have a laugh but no different to my female friends. we just 'get' each other.

I have respected his wishes by not texting him but im not going to stop seeing him in person because of this. that would impact my kids friendship with their kids and also my friendship with his mrs.

Why don't you call him out on it? Ask why he has a problem if the guy does happen to fancy you (which I'm sure he doesn't).

It's either one of the three scenarios I posted, or he's being silly! It's worth challenging. (IMO)

if I ask, which I probably will later on when kids in bed, I know the answer will be your third scenario.

he doesn't think this guy is a predator/rapist. thats absurd.

he knows if he made advances I would reject them.

so it must be that nobody can fancy me = his property.

if it is that where do I go from there?

No, I don't think it's that simple for some people. If my partner was spending close friendship time with someone that I felt was even remotely sexually interested in my partner or someone who I felt had some sort of emotional connection (which it sounds like you do) it wouldn't be a case of trust or not trust. I'd simply not want a close bond to form between those two people because it can sometimes be tempting fate.

I had a VERY close friend, who i considered like a brother to me. A week after splitting from my stbXH I was crying on his shoulder when he told me he'd never wanted to to marry my husband and that he'd always wanted me for himself. Shortly after that, my stbXH confessed that this close friendship had always been a source of annoyance for him that he'd never admitted to.

Incidentally, a few of my male "friends" who'd been incredibly supportive to me during my breakup have turned out to have ulterior motives too. one texted me a photo of his job.

Yes, really....

Not meaning to tarnish everyone with the same brush here, but if your DH is uncomfortable with this friendship and he;s not "usually" possessive then maybe it's worth just keeping this guy at a bit of a distance?

Chemistry can sometimes be obvious to outsiders and it might be that he is jealous that he just "gets you". Which seems fair to me?

sorry...I meant to say "knob" not "job". Yes...nice behavior to a woman in distress, but men can be so bloody weird!

I'd be wary OP, I think others have nailed it. It's not the actual friendship that's the issue.

My ex husband would do the same: he'd just randomly take a dislike to someone. Interestingly, it wasn't just male friends of mine, it was other men in general. He just was very jealous and resentful.

Not in "sexually jealous of me, his wife". But as in "I don't like any other men my age, especially as I'm somewhat lacking in confidence myself". He basically wanted to live in a very small, resentful world, full of "him, his ghastly family, and people who were sycophants to him"

So, for example, we met a possible male suitor of a joint (younger) female friend of ours, and he just spent ages slagging him off for NO reason, like "how dare someone be my age and professionally successful and content". To add a layer to it: my ex-H actually "liked" this younger female friend himself, and was pissed off that another man was going to be married to her. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

There's so many older couples where there's been a dynamic where one party (usually the man) has just completely restricted the others life. Not necessarily through the more extreme, overt forms of violence or control, but just huffing and puffing and "disapproving" and sulking. So the other doesn't really reach out because they're scared to do so. I'm presuming your FEMALE friendship is going to be affected because your DH is being negative?

I mean I get that "maybe he has an interest and would have a go, given the right circumstances". But we know you'd turn him down, so what's the problem?

Well I think that you'll find, either there is an issue, obviously if it's the second or third then you have a bigger issue you need to discuss (or whatever).

It's not going to be the first. Nobody is that irrational. And his reaction would be different.

If he's a genuinely nice bloke who respects you and doesn't feel you're open to manipulation then it's likely he just feels irrationally jealous but hasn't really stopped to think about it enough to realise that it's irrational IYSWIM? It might be easier to talk about it and deal with it if he can hear the three plausible reasons why this might be a problem and think "Argh, but none of those are true so why does this bother me so much?!"

And what Minion says makes sense to me too. It would bother me if DH had a very emotionally close relationship with another woman, even if I knew they weren't ever going to do anything sexual. If I felt like somebody else "got him" more than I did or he was seeking her (or him!) out regularly for help or emotional solace with situations/problems that I felt I should be helping him with, for example. (So e.g. work problems I could understand going to a work colleague)

I think it will be easier to discuss it and get to the root of it if you can get past this platitude of "It's not you I don't trust, it's him", since that is nonsensical and not actually what he means.

Gah I think I messed up my first paragraph, either there's an issue or he's having a knee jerk reaction but hasn't stopped to figure that out, he's gone straight to blame because that's socially acceptable (for heterosexual married people to object to their spouse having opposite sex friends).

Yes, BertieBotts...to be honest if my partner said he thought a girl was attractive it'd probably not bother me, but if he said he thought she really "got him" I'd be panicking tbh.

It doesn't matter what I believe. That's not the problem here. The problem is your husband and his total lack of trust in you. You can go around outside with blinkers on and never speak to a member of the opposite sex ever again but that won't solve anything because you and how you choose behave are not the issue.

Also I think its worth noting that the male friend isn't just someone single you've picked up out of the ether: he's the partner of a friend of yours, so you're more a "friend of the couple" who communicates with both of them?

When I met my DH a long time ago, he pointed out that one of my male friends fancied me. Male mate had never made me uncomfortable and we'd already been mates for a couple of years. We are still both mates with male mate 20 years on, DH included. I rather think male mate admired me and we have a sibling type relationship with a bit of squabbling. I think my point is here is that if your DH trusts you and values you as an intelligent human being, he should either gain another friend, so you are mutual friends (like DH did) or butt out and relax, safe in the knowledge that you are trustworthy and also have some semblance of intelligence.

Motherhood is lonely with young children and you need all the genuine friends that you can get.

I was best mates with a lovely bloke for a couple of years. Turned out we both had ulterior motives and have been a couple for over twenty years now

On the other hand, one of my best mates is married to a really good friend from college. There is a certain mutual attraction I think but we are both mad about our partners, we wouldn't go there.

DD is 18. She reckons she has loads of male friends. All I see is a gang of gangly lads making big eyes at her. She gets all upset every time one of them plucks up courage to make a move. She is totally oblivious.

Yes you absolutely can. My oldest friend is male - I've known him for half my life and there's never been so much as a mild but if flirtation between us. Which is just as well because he married my sister!

That last line is very, very true.

I think the ex husband basically wanted to see me only with friends who got "his" seal of approval.

He'd never say this directly, but he'd create an atmosphere when someone he didn't like was in the frame. And then I'd have to either take the drama and the moods, or fade out on the friends.

This included men AND women: it was like a slow but steady campaign. He disliked me having any friends who genuinely supported me as an individual (this, for example, included single female friends who were teetotal, didn't go out dating, were very nice to him, but had the temerity not to be the kind of people he saw himself being friends with)

He even encouraged me to keep in touch a lot with my narcissistic family, because they kept me down/reported on me to him/approved of him.

Yes, you can have friends who are men, of course.

I would only point out that you can only be certain about how YOU feel, about him. Whether the man is engaged, married, in a relationship, determinedly single, makes no difference: you still cannot know for certain how he feels about you or your friendship.

That's the only 'warning' I'd give. I'm not trying to suggest ill intent, or that a man will definitely be sexually attracted to you, only that you can't know how he feels.

So you just enjoy the friendship on that basis.

I have had friendships with men, so have others I've known, and occasionally there's been a complete surprise when we find he DOES think 'that way" about us, regardless of what we thought, or what he's said before. It's not always been a welcome surprise, especially if said male friend is in a relationship already.

I had a DP who behaved like your DH. She spent so much time trying to get alongside the friend and find out 'the truth' that she was the one who ended up having a twisted, one-sided EA with my friend. Who I saw maybe once a week, in public places, and mostly didn't communicate with otherwise. Said DP is now an ex-DP after she got as far as threatening the friend's children.

I asked him why it would bother him if another person fancied me, irrespective of my friend, and he said that it is wrong because im married. wtf does that mean? that because im married I should be on a shelf never to be looked at again?!

I said why should it matter. essentially if someone finds me attractive it shouldn't matter. its something out of his control and that he can't control other people's thoughts. he got all defensive and said I was accusing him of being a conrol freak.

I regularly comment on these sorts of threads. Of course you can have opposite sex friendships. Very close ones, too.

I am a 40-year old bloke. My best friend is female. My next four closest friends are female. I have always had good female friends ever since I was at primary school. I have never had any non-platonic feelings for any of them. The first people I introduced by ex of 10 years to were my female friends. We socialised together and separately.

Accused of being a control freak? Is that worse than being accused of either being up for it with your mate, or being too stupid to not end up fucking him if he tries to persuade you?

That reaction is rather unpleasant, isn't it?

• He's not offered you any justification for his line of thinking: I mean if he said "well, I don't like that Dave said X, or does Y". He just wants carte blanche to approve or disapprove.

• It's one of the things that emotional abusers do: attacking and projecting to shut down any discussion? So of course now you're meant to feel 'guilty' for 'having a go' at him: This in response to him not getting his own way on something? It's a shit and manipulative social tactic to use.

• How is your relationship apart from this? I do know some men who are capable of staying nice and keeping things in emotional equilibrium when they get their own way, on all of the big issues, all of the time. But as soon as (channelling SGBrass here) their partner displays thoughts that go outside of his vision of what an ideal wife/marriage should look like (bit like a pet, or an ornament) then the nasty side comes out.

That's the worry: he's not looking at you as a trustworthy, self-respecting person with her own thoughts and agency, a woman who can turn a pass down, or not: you're "his woman" and "married" so expected to behave in a certain way.

of course u can be friends. I have male friends at work and I would consider myself friends with husbands of my friends too.

This all sounds like a bit of a mess, OP. A couple of questions:

Is this 'OM' the biological father of your DC's friends? I wonder because you said they're engaged, which makes it sound like a more recent relationship.

Is he significantly younger than the rest of you?

Who started the texting between you two?

How did the texting make you feel? Flattered? Excited? Young and free?

What were the texts about? Just the kids, or was it more?

Do you really feel he's like a 'brother' to you?

How does it feel to find someone new who just 'gets' you?

What do you get out of your relationship with him?

The reason I'm asking is because there are emotional affair red flags all over the place here. Your DH may be picking up on something that you're unable or unwilling to see. Of course he can't expect other men not to fancy you, but he can expect other men not to act on that attraction (thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife...) and certainly not with you facilitating it. Tread carefully, OP, you (and your kids) have a lot to lose here.

I have male friends. DH has female friends. We trust each other so it's not an issue.