Can women really be friends with a man and it mean nothing?

[ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts]

I'm not really a regular on the relationship board but I have posted a few times with the occasional problems dh and I have had.

Now we have an issue regarding a male friend I have. he is the dp of one of my very good female friends and our kids play together most weekends and go to school together. I have become good friends with her dp over the past few months and regard both her amd him as my friends.

dh isn't happy with it. he thinks he has ulterior motives. he says he trusts me but doesn't trust him (!) - I dont think he can say this. if he trusts me implicitly then it should make no odds imo.

me and the male friend occasionally sent each other the odd text but my dh made me stop texting him as he thought it was weird.

I think he is being totally unreasonable.

am I wrong? nothing remotely flirtatious with the friend no feelings whatsoever on either side but dh just won't hear me.

Of course you can have friendships between men and woman. My DH has a good female friend. They meet up about 3 or 4 times a year for dinner doesn't bother me at all. My sister has a few close male friends. I don't see the problem! Your DH should trust you more!

Yes they can. I have three male friends. No issues there.

If you have no designs towards this man, I cannot see the issue.

My husband has several female friends especially established when he was a SAH parent for a while or those from way back, and he keeps in touch, takes the kids to see them, goes over to see them although mainly over things like business and boring stuff like that!

I don't have new male friends as I think in general these things can be misinterpreted, although I am friendly with male colleagues. I tend not to ask new men I meet for one-to-one meet-ups as I do fear this might be taken the wrong way. It's less of a problem if you meet through a hobby or work, although again I wouldn't text them at home. I do have older male friends though that I've known for years and whilst my husband might be a teensy tiny bit jealous if I go out with them (he would never admit this) he would never suggest I don't see them or text them.

If his wife is a good friend though, does this not create a bit of a difficulty about who meets up or is this easily resolved?

I have 6 very close male friends, 4 of whom I met before dating DP and with 2 of whom I lived.

DP has never had a problem with our friendships, I speak to my friends constantly and tell them things that I would tell my female friends.

We completely and utterly trust one another.

Funnily enough, 2 of my friends have ex girlfriends who didn't like their partners having female friends. Not only the reason why they are ex's.

My husband has several very close female friends, two of them are his former dance partners and he frequently does a ballet barre with them to this day. He regularly saw them naked, has had his hands on every bit of their bodies and I trust him and them implicitly.

It is nonsense to say men and women cannot be friends, that there is always sex in the way. That says far more about the quality of men that those that believe this hang out with.

I agree with Bertie& and peaches*. Ask your DH why it's not ok for him to be accused of being a control freak but it's ok for you and your friend's integrity to be called into question?

I have three or four platonic male friends, so I know that truly platonic friendships are possible. They do, however, require a lot of honesty and self-awareness on both sides.

If there is any kind of physical attraction there whatsoever, both people in the friendship needs to balance the risk of that developing inappropriately against the benefits of the friendship. Boundaries need to be impenetrable, such as not drinking together (as inhibitions become lowered, etc). Quite often, it isn't worth it IMO and I disengage the instant I recognise any attraction on my part or suspect it on the other's. You know you've made the right call when the would-be friend who claims it's purely platonic ceases to make an effort to be your friend when you spell out that you aren't attracted to them and never will be.

Quite often, however, attraction isn't about wanting to take things to a sexual level. A lot of people have no intention of being unfaithful and would actually be horrified if their 'friend' made advances, but they are lacking the awareness to realise that the whole friendship is based on the subconscious desire to be adored.

People have internalised a lot of BS about male and female roles, and many lack enough insight about relationships in general (be they friendships or romantic). So much so that truly platonic friendships IMO are the exception rather than the rule. However, that doesn't mean that they don't or can never exist.

I have quite a few male friends with whom there has never been anything sexual at all. DH has a similar number of female friends, many of them school mates. I am close to my brother and find it easy to hang out with men in a sibling sort of a way, I really don't understand why anyone minds this, why rule out potential great friends because of their gender? Also, even if a friend did fancy you, (and that could be true of one of your female friends, or his male, too) then why does it matter, unless you intend to do something sexual with that person , then it is of little consequence.

I have to say, DH wouldn't like me to make 'new' male friends in this way. He is happy about/and friends with the old ones I have but I reckon this would irk him. I think, if it were the other way around, it might irk me too.

I know an older woman whose husband worked away, and she put all her effort into being the ideal wife keeping things together at home - as she saw it - only having friends he liked, basically putting 'the marriage' above all other interactions, constantly building up his ego by making it clear clear CLEAR he was the only man, the best man in the world for her, and his happiness was above all others (including her own).

All her emotions had to be invested in this man, if she got any support it was from 'other partnered up women who support the marriage'.

He seemed a nice enough guy, but the power balance in the relationship seemed skewed, and it was like she didn't want to accept that he was a relatively successful guy, but not 'all that': their joint social life was essentially one he wanted, and he got the 'cool travelling glam job where I meet lots of people - male/female' whilst she kept things going with (his) kids.

He cheated on her last year

This is how I see it too. If you want a male friend, then you must draw a kind of boundary between yourself and him. From my dating years, I try to find fairness in it all. Most women, or men, would want, or had hoped at one point in their life time that their partner is the person that they want the most, and desire the most too. If you dilute this relationship in itself, then it actually takes away the point and the intimacy of the relationship doesn't it ?

I read some of the comments about the ex-gf not making the cut. But as females, surely if we want the best for our friends, we need to take a step backward and actually integrate and encourage the ex to be part of the group too? I do this ! If I want my male friend to have a future, I absolutely draw a line, and try to bring the gf into the group. You just cannot be selfish. It is not the girl's fault for wanting more attention, whilst they feel the pressure from the bf's friend group.

A guy is not likely to hurt you. But if you love the guy too, then you ought to see it from his point of view too. That you wouldn't hurt him, or create a possible situation for the other guy to advance and then find it shocking that he did make a move. Sometimes you gotta work a bit more at being at arm's length. If I go out with friends, I go out with both the wife and the husband. I also would not text randomly either to guys that I am not interested. I do have a FB account,but I can also see that most men try to be respectful to their partner and actually not respond so much either to my post because I am a singleton. I also play by the rule too, and just focus on more interaction with the females more than the males on my FB. As you get older, it should be a natural thing which happens any way that you are more and more focused on your own family and loved ones more. Unless you feel those friends as almost like family, then this is different, and you gotta admit it to yourself too.

I'm with cognito on this. I'm aware it's not popular opinion but I think there is too often problems with opposite sex friends. I cringe when people say they are like a brother as I suspect they are alluding to an intimacy that shouldn't be there. How can someone you've known for a couple of months be like a brother ?

Your friends are a couple , while it's nice to socialize with them as a couple , or just you and your female friend , cultivating separate individual friendships with them is not right in my view. Does this mean that you spend time with the man , leaving his partner , your friend , on her own ? Why aren't they both invited as a couple ?

Most people on this thread are stating their opinion based on what appears to be long established opposite sex friendships that are also accepted by their spouse. Your situation is totally different. Your friendship with this man isn't long established , it's a couple of months and you refer to him as a brother. You were friends with his dp first but have now cultivated a seperate friendship with him that sometimes excludes his partner. You meet up with him and text him and it's blatantly clear that your not going to stop seeing him despite your husbands objections.

While many of the posters are in agreement with you regarding male friends , I wonder how they would feel if they're female friend cultivated a separate friendship with their husbands and met up together , excluding them , and referring to him as a brother ? Throw in the fact that this friendship is causing trouble in your marriage, and that your not willing to stop spending time with him , I wonder how many would actually accept this from either you or their husband.

It's naive to think male and females can just be friends. There is always one person (usually male) who wants to take it further.

Men become friends with women this way:
They like her/find her attractive but she doesn't.
Or they don't find her attractive and she doesn't find him either.

Over time, whatever that keeps the friendship strong such as personality, sense of humour will make this woman very attractive.

Fall in love with the said woman.

Then it's only a matter of time waiting for the perfect opportunity.
Some men can wait for years, be in and out of relationships.

I too would find it weird if my DW forms a new friendship with a man.
And I'm sure she would find it weird for me to form new friendships with women.

PS. DH has many female friends = womaniser!

I always say this on these threads, but presumably if (straight) men and women cannot be friends without secretly wanting to jump each other, bisexuals aren't to be trusted with anyone ever

Quite Ria.

I am not classically bi in that I am attracted to men far more than women, but I do find some women attractive. My two oldest female friends have been friends of mine for donkeys years. I lived with one of them for a while so I've had ample opportunity to develop feelings, etc. I have never fancied her. She is straight so obviously doesn't fancy me.

How does that fit in with your argument arsenal?

I have lots of male friends and always have, certainly nothing to do with sexual attraction.

Meh, if I spent a couple of afternoons a week alone with a new man whose personality I found attractive and texting too, I can guarantee that within a few weeks I would want to shag him.
Maybe it's a weak personality thing but I assumed most people were like that which is why many married people tend to avoid those relationships.

I have several male friends. Some of their partners find it hard to accept. But they are my friends. They looked out for me after a relationship fell apart, they were there for me. It's just the way it is.

I'm discussing it from a straight male point of view.

Like someone said, platonic male/female relationships are the exception and are very rare indeed.

RiaOverTheRainbow - How do you know ?? When I have been broken hearted over dating for quite a while. I ended up trying online dating. Yes, there were some silly billies around. One was a guy, and then a girl, who claimed that they were "bisexual", messaged me out of the blue. I was so furious. Well, the truth was, at first, I was scared, I ignored it. Then I had to go back and check their profiles to see who they are. Then I only was bold enough to answer the guy. Who used very silly and slick words like "how do I get a woman like you". This is madness ! The female one was very coy and seriously manipulative. (She was a woman on heat.) These are just random people on the dating website.

Whatever happened to meeting someone introducing yourself to them, getting to know a person, chat, and see if you click and or understand them and so forth ? The fact that they saw me that way, I know that they did not have my interest at heart, and was just out for themselves cos they are a "trier". Cos in my profile, I wrote that I wanted to find a guy. So the fact that they disrespected me on this small thing really made me pretty mad.

I think this has been presented as an issue about male and female friendships when it's not.

You just don't cultivate a separate friendship with your friends fiance. You don't text them and you don't arrange to meet up with them on your own , and you don't exclude your friend. It's incredibly inappropriate.

I'm surprised the friend is putting up with this.

arsenaltilidie, you are soo wrong. A lot of my male friends have been friends through times when we were footloose and fancy free. The bisexual argument is a clincher.

There have been some very good posts on how to assess if a friendship is appropriately boundaried, etc, etc. I've certainly had the "so-called platonic friend isn't interested in friendship after I mentioned I'll never be a prospect" experience.

Some men/women are fairly desperate for attention, any attention, so its unwise to develop a 1-1 connection with them, as they'll bite your hand off ('they kissed my cheek for a bit too long, that must mean they love me')

Some men/women tend to read subtext that isn't there or are fairly resentful/deluded people so will make up a whole romantic fantasy regarding their exs/that secretary/teacher who smiled at them

Acquiring good judgement on these things is a handy (and essential) life skill.

But whilst 'some' people have ulterior motives, I've learned a lot of people are genuinely capable of socially working within an asexual space?

They're either attached, or they know if they weren't, there'd be lots of options/people they could potentially date, so why latch onto an existing friend? Dates are ten-a-penny with the advent of Online Dating: friends for doing stuff with are probably more valuable.

I don't think all men spend most of their life in some horny/amorous fog finding women useless as people, unless they're a possible next conquest. I don't think all women find at the first sign of attention their silly little heads wobble and they can't resist.

I think - like any other social interaction - a male friendship should be managed (like someone said, don't go into any grey areas, make sure you're not slagging off your partner to them or drinking to excess etc etc). But just the same as any friendship/interaction could potentially damage your partnership: you need to risk assess, and take an active role in making sure nothing untoward arises?

For example, I do think that if the friendship isn't 'equal', as in one party is at the beck and call of the other, or clearly being used for favours/attention it should stop. Or if one party is fairly socially desperate, and basically sort of eyeing the others relationship in a baleful, resentful 'look what you've got' way, then RUN.

Would you be happy if your DP started texting a friends wife? No matter how platonic, I bet the answer is no x

I would tolerate a long term female friend.

I would NOT tolerate my friend going out of her way to establish a separate friendship with my spouse that excludes me. Absolutely no fucking way. There's only the husband in this who sounds like he's got any boundrys.

Asking your husband what the problem is if he DOES fancy you sounds childish and provocative. How your friend is tolerating this I do not know.

I guess the important thing is that you are on the same page. If dh suddenly found a new female friend who really "gets him" my heckles would be raised- and vice versa. Here the problem is that you think it's fine and he doesn't. How you going to resolve that?