Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

How insulting, you actually disgust me. 'Real men and women'? How do you define a 'real' man or woman? Are certain men and women not actually men and women and are some hermaphrodite, alien species?

I am not a mother? No but I will be in a few months time and I think a lot of women would be rather insulted to be told that because they arn't a mother they know nothing about life, marriage or domestic drudgery.

You have no idea what 'circles' I mix in either so don't make presumptions about my life. I merely stated I take offence to women like you attempting to define me by my experiences, its patronising and insulting, and no I dont have a fucked up idea of women's sexuality at all, how the hell have you come to that conclusion from me merely saying some PEOPLE, not women, are not that interested in sex and infact dont derive much pleasure from it?

Bigboobiedbertha I can only say that we see or we approach marriage differently. Yes, there can be things in life which you cannot control, but surely you have to know how your partner is, and need to know how they will cope when circumstances is thrown at you as a couple. Because frankly, there are no one else but both of you, so you do need to rely on one another, reassure, and also be there, be kind, and be considerate. What is the point of being together and walk through life as a couple if you are not prepared to do that at all ? It is different if you do not know what you are looking for in a person, and another thing if you misjudged it.

To me maybe it is more than the sexual attraction alone. It has to be mind, body and soul. If you do not connect on those, then how can your sex be great ??

I will say this much though, what I looked for in a partner in my 20s before is different to what I look for in a partner now in my 30s. I actually want someone who I can be friends with, than someone who has an opposing personality to myself but as a couple we are dynamic, and we can cope with life's obstacles.

Anyhow, I just know that the OP is of a different personality to myself, and what another writer mentioned on tactile relationships. I am not sure if he is aware of this aspect. Different people of different personalities respond to different stimulus. This I do believe in.

Because how has YOUR PERSONAL experience got any bearing on the OP and the situation hes in? At the end of the day the situation with the OP and his Dw sounds like she is apathetic and no longer interested in sex to me, I am allowed to state that without getting every word twisted and some other fucked up vile piece of shit trying to denounce everything I said and put me in some sort of deluded victims box because I worked in the sex industry for some time. And she fucking talks about sexism and women's sexuality, yet tries to define someone who is out of prostitution by their experiences in it. Fucking disgusting, people like that are not feminists at all.

No 22 You expressly said women in this post here.

Heres a copy and paste.

I fully accept there are often deep reasons for many women not wanting sex but every post here of mine is referring to the OP and HIS situation and I maintain that some women DO just not want sex and are apathetic to it! his Dw sounds like one of them! how is that misogyny? What a joke!!

Because 22 if someone else has been through the same thing then they know how another person in the same situation is feeling.

Its called empathy.

Yes and I have said it applies to men aswell in lots of posts, but cannot be bothered adding 'this applies to men aswell' to every bloody post for the sake of some posters who wish to purposely miss things out. I have stated several times that there are men who just do not want sex either and that the OPs DW could be one of these PEOPLE...yes I have in my experience met more apathetic women than men but it doesnt mean I am saying its something universal to women. Many people go off it, men can go off it due to hormonal problems for example the same as women.

So you were going through the same thing (I presume you mean a partner who wouldn't even kiss you for 2 years?)...or do you mean you never wanted sex? Was you also not interested in communicating with your DP about it like the OPs DW and what has dodgy PMs got to do with any of this?

18 years in my case I had an affair after 7 years of no affection Losing 10 stone also gave me a confidence boost and I met my ex OM at work.

Darkesteyes Wed 23-Apr-14 14:19:57

Im sorry if I upset anyone That was not my intention. In December 2012 I started receiving PMs from a male poster who started posting on this board about his sexless marriage.
I admit the messages got a bit flirty on both sides. Then he started messaging more often and asking where I was if I didn't answer straight away. It got a bit much so I had to block him.
Last November someone else (or so I thought) started messaging me after starting a thread about being in a sexless marriage, There was something about the style of messages that reminded me of something. I tried to block and couldn't Wasn't till a couple of days later that I thought to unblock the first poster And then all of a sudden I was able to block the second one. I had asked Messager no 2 if he was Messager no 1 and he insisted he wasn't.
Im really sorry if I upset anyone by generalizing or stereotyping though. It was not my intention

And THAT is why it is harder for a woman to talk about it than a man. Certainly in RL

Well Im glad you sorted your problems out, you must have been rather large to have lost 10 stone though, its not surprising that you wern't feeling particularly happy, sexy or intimate carrying so much extra weight (Im not being nasty here or anything, but I have heard being very large isnt very comfortable and I imagine for some women would be a confidence killer) - OP hasnt stated that he or his wife is very overweight or in poor health, although maybe his wife has confidence issues but in that case I imagine most normal libido women would want to change and do something about that so they felt better again and could retain the sex life they enjoyed previously. It sounds like his DW has never been into sex.

OH JESUS 22 I comfort ate BECAUSE he hadn't touched me for years.

22 DH STILL didn't want me sexually AFTER I lost the weight. I will repost the article I wrote.

I dont understand sorry, it says the thread about the sexless marriage was started by a man, was that your DP? I dont understand how what you've posted equates with something being harder to talk about when your a woman. To whom? Surely a private conversation with a girl friend wouldnt allow any male input, unless you believe someone wishes to wire you up just so they can listen to your girly conversations.

OH JESUS you only posted a short sentence, you never said when you put on and lost the weight just that you lost it!

Here.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

To be fair 22 I did post the above link earlier in the thread.

Well there you go then, and you had an affair but if the OP did that he'd be called out as the biggest twat alive! Admittedly its not as long as 7 years though. Yes confidence can be ruined in a relationship if one partner wont have any intimacy but whats that got to do with sexism? Wtf?

22 You automatically assumed that in MY sexless marriage my weight must have been at fault

Why is that do you think?

Iv already read lots of articles like the one you posted, as said I was sexually abused as a teenager and also worked in prostitution, and I do like to be aware of the effects of this and how if at all it equates to any kind of societal sexism. But tbh I don't feel my experiences are from purely sexism, i feel they are from a mixture of things. I am going to bed now so may read tomorrow.

I didnt automatically assume, you said your marriage was sexless then mentioned losing 10 stone and feeling better so yes from that tiny sentence it seemed that the weight was somehow having an effect on your sexlife (among other things, as it usually is), that doesnt mean it was YOUR fault if it was.

Both being unfit and lacking confidence can affect anyone's sexlife, and being overweight can often cause both those things. Me saying this doesnt equate to me saying 'eww you were a fat cow so your husband didnt want to shag you'

As it is you stated you put the weight on because you were miserable, and that your DH still wasnt interested even when you'd lost the weight. The fact is, you didnt say this in your first sentence so I had very little to go on.

Im sorry to hear about what you went through as a teen.

That was a shitty thing to happen

22honey- if your early sexual experiences were childhood abuse, and 3 years as a sex worker, do you not think that your experiences and opinions on sex may be a little different from those that have only experienced sex in loving relationships? And that this has a bearing on how you offer advice to the OP, and why other posters offer such different advice/experience?

I hope you are in a loving relationship now

22honey

You know fuck all about being a mother because you aren't one.

It's really not rocket science is it?

You know fuck all about being married because you aren't are you?

You know fuck all about how having given birth to 2 children in close sucsession alters a woman's body .

You know fuck all about being a full time mother and doing the vast , if not all the housework and cooking for babies and toddlers and 2 adults. You have written that your boyfriend does all the cooking. Oh and you have several animals and try and equate that to having a baby and a toddler. Totally laughable and this could only ever be written by a childless person.

You state that the people you have spoken to acknowledge that a very significant percentage of WOMEN do not masturbate, neither do they ever orgasm during sex. Again are you seriously expecting anyone to think this is real?

Again why the actual fuck would anyone willingly have sex on any kind of regular basis if it did not result in orgasm. Oh yes obviously if they are paid to do it. This would significantly justify your analysis. Otherwise no, the women I mix with, ie real women, who have real bodies and real lives involving caring for others often including children, would not pass the time of fucking day with someone let alone fuck them if they didn't have a mutually fulfilling sex life.

The men I know would not want to have regular sex with their partner knowing that it was only their orgasm that mattered.

This is what real is. Not some mysoginistic shit that women don't really enjoy sex.

Hey susan im childless.