Need dp to back off when it comes to his opinions of my dc. Any advice on how to do this sensitively?

[Pinkjenny]

Dp and I have been together for almost two years. The dc only met him for the first time at Christmas, and largely, things are fine, ds is 4yo and dd is 6yo. Dp has two dc as well, but for various reasons, I haven't met them yet, they are 18yo and 13yo, so really a completely different kettle of fish imo. He is a good dad by all accounts, his 13yo dd adores him, they have a wonderful relationship, but he has a much less close bond with his son. From what he's told me, his ds was a very quiet child, very happy in his own company, and a bit of a loner. My 4yo ds really could not be any more different. He is incredibly loud and boisterous, and non-stop. Like most other 4yo boys I know, to be honest.

Dp lives 130 miles away from us, so when he is with us, it is always for a couple of days. My ds still has a dummy, just inside the house, but it is permanently in his mouth. Dp has a big problem with this, and the second time ds met him, he was going on and on and on about it, calling him a baby, and ds whacked him in the face. Obviously not good, and ds was suitably chastised. A couple of weeks later, I had a chat with dp, told him that whilst I wasn't a fan of the dummy either, he needed to leave the parenting to me. I think he is just so used to playing the 'dad' role, that he thinks this is where he slots in.

This weekend he has been here (he's gone now, obv...), and we've had more dummy battles, apparently I give in too much, he doesn't like the way that ds wrestles with my mum (she's fun grandma to the extreme!) and tears from me last night. He also doesn't like the whinging.

So good luck with that.

I tried to talk about it with him last night, but dp is very much the type of person that needs time to reflect on something, and can't have a sensible conversation about it for a few days. Otherwise he's dead defensive.

We are very lucky that we are able to spend lots of time alone, when the dc are with ex-dh, but I am becoming concerned about the way I feel when he is here, as I am on edge.

Is this normal? Am I expecting too much too soon? Should I reconsider. I don't know. This is unchartered territory for me. It is the first relationship I've had since ex-dh, and my parents are still together.

I don't really know what to think. His behaviour has really taken me by surprise, I never expected this to be such an issue at all.

I'm sorry you don't like the responses you are getting, but I have to agree, this man IS a bully. Going on and on at a 4 year old child about a dummy and calling him a baby until he gets upset is bullying. Would you treat your DC like this? Would you allow your parents, friends or strangers in the street treat him like this? Whether or not he is trying to insert himself in as a father figure is irrelevant. I wouldn't accept that kind of parenting from my DH to our children, ans he is their dad.

He also sounds extremely passive agressive with you, getting 'dead defensive' and withdrawing for days when you disagree with him.

You should not feel on edge when he's around, but you do. How much worse do you think your DC, who are too young to understand, feel when he's ranting at them and calling them names?

If you cannot communicate with him openly and honestly after a 2 year relationship then to be honest its a bit of a shit relationship before you even get to him being an arse around your children. And no its not 'just being a Dad' unless you think that ridiculing and bulling is a reasonable style of parenting? It's being a bully, end of and if you cannot see that then you are too used to being bullied or worse do not want to see it.

In addition to his poor treatment of your DS and disrespect to you, don't like the sound of his description of his relationship with his son, sounds like he's blaming his DS, a child, for the issues. Not nice.

Even if he was Mr Perfect, if what you eventually want is a DP you live with, a good dad probably wouldn't want to move 100 miles away from teenage DC. If he suggested this, that'd be a further red flag in my book!

Hissy his right, most fathers would deliberately avoid commenting on others' parenting or reprimanding another person's child.

Thanks everyone, have been reading all the responses. All of the input has been really helpful.

I honestly don't believe he is a bully, I think he is used to being the dad. And in this situation, he's not.

But... he presumably doesn't take it upon himself to bully every 4 year old he meets and undermine their mother's parenting? He bullied you over it (arguments with you about your child having a dummy? Seriously? What the hell?) and worse, he bullied your 4 year old, whom he barely knows, to the point a little toddler reacted in an age-appropriately naughty way and was then told off for it.

That's bullying. Of you, and of your very small son. If it talks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is not a chimpanzee. This man sounds depressingly like your ex, in all honesty. And why, in such a long relationship and where his kids are the age they are, have you never met them? Also a bit at his not being close to his own son, and then coming down so harshly on yours when still really just a baby. He sounds like he has issues with sons, tbh. And issues with boundaries, and control.

I know all this must be really hard to hear, and to be honest I also think you sound very accustomed to controlling men, to the point low-level stuff is just your normal; your conception of how relationships are supposed to be. But they aren't. What you describe would be shockingly unacceptable to me in a partner - we talk about how to parent and do not undermine the other and go off-piste with the discipline with no consultation because it's grossly lacking in respect for the other. It's a million times worse when your DS is not his child and he barely even knows him.

I wouldn't want this person around my children, to be honest. I'm so sorry as you clearly have strong feelings for him, but I wouldn't.

Oh dear, sorry, I have only read the start of the first page, but take your precious dc and run for the hills. When you have children, and you let someone into your life, you give them a precious gift, which they should cherish. But he has picked on your little one bc he still uses a comforter, he has undermined your parenting, he is commenting negatively on how your dc and dm interact, he is calling your dc whinging, sorry, I am quite angry on your behalf. What right does he have?

The distance is a blessing. You have not moved in together. Your dc have had little exposure to this toxic man. Protect them and find someone decent.

Honestly, I mean this, I would leave him. I have been where you are and it did not get better.

I was parented by people just like your 'D'P. In this case, it was my mother who was the bully and my father supported her in the bullying and sometimes joined in as well. By the age of 9, I remember shouting at them "Stop laughing at me!!!" when they were inappropriately teasing me at length, over something I had done which was appropriate for my age (can't remember what it was now, but the laughing still hurts).

What is most telling is that from a very young age, I had to set appropriate boundaries for my parents because their treatment of me was so inappropriate. Your son did well to set a boundary by hitting your 'D'P for the bullying, and then got a telling off for it - well done, you have just set a precedent where your P can bully your child, and your child gets scolded.

The long term effects of my parents bullying have been awful. I was badly bullied in school, to the point where I had migraines at 14 yrs. I was bullied in jobs, and one in particular where I had to be signed off for stress leave. I've been bullied and controlled by boyfriends. My bullying mother always knew she could win an argument with me by shouting until I cried, and she still did this until recently when I cut her and my father out of my life. I still get strong urges to cry in confrontational situations.

The fact that you are refusing to see him as a bully is very telling - this is your 'normal', having someone around who is a controlling, bullying arse. Don't let it be.

Your past experience has set your expectations of reasonable behaviour too low. In order to let you see the yawning chasm between the way your P acted and the way a reasonable person would have acted, try to imagine how you would have acted. I'll try it.

I've been in a relationship with someone for over 18 months, things are going really well. She's a mum and I've only just met the children. I really want to get to know these children and how the household dynamic works, because I hope to have a future with their mother and in order to do that I'll need to get on well with the children. I hope they'll like me. Oh, I didn't realise the 4 year old was still using a dummy at home, that's a bit unusual, I'll maybe ask my girlfriend about that later. [Proceeds to be friendly and inclusive of 4 year old without drawing attention to the dummy in case it shames/humiliates him] [Later once kids are asleep] Pink Jenny, I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there a reason why your DS is still using a dummy at home, my DS stopped using it around 18 months/didn't have one? [listens to the reasons why, your own concern or lack of concern about it and your own plans/expectation for when he'll stop] Ah okay, I see you've got it covered.

Sees Grandma and boy playing roughly on the floor. "Are you two okay there? I'd hate for either of you to get hurt. [Listens to them both say 'We're fine, we're just playing!'] Carry on then!"

I didn't give DS a dummy (he is breastfed and is able to nurse for comfort), but I don't go around judging people who use dummies. If I see an older child than usual using one I tend to assume that they need it for some reason - either because they have had a hard time emotionally (such as your DS, with the break up?), Special needs (maybe deriving a lot of comfort from the physical sensation) or its not a priority for the family to sort out for some other reason. So I don't go around being a judgey pants to strangers who do something I don't, let alone to the child of someone I love and respect and want a future with. I'd see at this stage in my relationship with children me doing my hardest to let them be comfortable around them, to find out how the family works and to support them in the difficult situation of them meeting their mum's new (to them) boyfriend/girlfriend. My priority would be listening, learning and trying to build a good relationship.

Taunting a small child because I disagreed with their mother would be an anathema to what I was hoping to achieve (a good relationship with them and their mum). He ought to be on his best behaviour, which raises two options:

1. He doesn't think you or the children are worth 'best behaviour' to win you all round into having a good relationship with him. He feels he already has his feet under the table with you and the children are inconveniences.

1. This is his "Best Behaviour" and he has no idea now to relate to boys without shaming and bullying them into their 'Man Box' (that narrow range of behaviour traditionally associated with 'being a man' which is usually sexist, homophobic and limiting). This could be why his relationship with his own son isn't great.

I don't think he's a keeper. I on the otherhand would be a fab girlfriend and potential step parent, only guilty of trying too hard to be their friend - such a shame that I'm married

In a way, whilst its alarming that he has shown this ugly side of him so soon, its also good that things hadn't got more enmeshed - say if he had waited till you were living together. In future remember that actions (how he treats his children and yours) speak louder than words (whatever self reported good/fun dad stuff he said to make you think he was a good dad).

Good luck

Oh, and just in case you and your son would find these helpful Chewigem are one of a number of suppliers of products available for kids that need to chew on things.

No, I'm sory but I think you're looking at it the wrong way.

As someone said above, does he wade in and start parenting every child he meets? No.

Because he is a parent, if he were a decent, involved one that understood the nuances involved with dealing with your own child, and understood how hard it can be and just how completely unacceptable it is to step in and interfere with someone else's parenting... well, you wouldn't be posting here.

What he sounds more like is the kind of bloke who actually isn't used to being a parent AT ALL... the kind who left the actual involved parenting to his partner, only wading in to try and impose his will when he felt like it. Just as he's felt it's his right to do with you.

And... it's very telling how that's left you at a loss. You're at a loss not because the shaking down period is uncharted territory, but because actually this behaviour is so far beyond the pale that really, it's quite hard to work out how a guy who thinks this is ok is going to be able to be reeducated on it. You know this, deep down: you don't know what to say because there IS no nice way of stating the bloody obvious: you just do not wade in and start bullying a child and undermining his parent!

Added to that is the fact that no matter how you dress it up, you already know he is, to put it politely, not a very nice person when someone disagrees with him. 'Gets defensive'? Don't you want the BEST for your children in a stepfather? A person who thinks it's fine to stomp all over your parenting but can't even have a reasoned discussion for several days if someone shows signs of not agreeing with them is shaping up to be an utterly third-rate male role model.

I agree with everyone else. He sounds like - a bully, immature, not a brilliant dad AT ALL. And a man that you are already reluctant to stand up for yourself and your children in front of. Red flags. Really. Bad news.

What does your mum think of him ?

I agree with hissy and others.

He isn't being a dad he is being a bully why do you think dad=bully.

I'm quite judgy about parents allowing children with teeth to have dummies. My best friend did with her son, we lived in the same block of flats at the time and were ridiculously close, we still joke that she is my middle child's dad and I've known her for 8 years.

However, as she already knew why it was bad for her son and was already being told off by the dentist I didn't think it was necessary to say anything at all about it and it didn't even really bother me even though I am really quite horrendously judgy about it.

If I had bullied and upset her son about it in the way your bf did I think she would have, quite rightly, cut me out of her son's life completely.

I think you should dump him tbh, there's no way I would tolerate this behaviour from a partner. Not the bullying of my child or the undermining of my parenting. I agree that he sounds lacking in his approach to his own children and I think it's sad you see the dad role as a bullying one.

Pinkjenny - I'm sorry you're having a hard time reading the responses on this thread. It must be difficult and it's to your credit that you're still engaging.

Your relationship sounds like hard work TBH. At two years together in a non-cohabiting relationship, it really shouldn't be this hard even with DC. I know because I've been in a very similar position and it was all very easy.

But that's because I'm with a man who respects my role as parent and wants to support that, rather than undermine it. He accepted that the role of step-parent is one that is earned and assuming that role when you don't even live in the same household for most of the time is incredibly arrogant and territorial behaviour IMO.

I am struck by your willingness to listen to the POVs on this thread. That, combined with your belief that your relationship with your DP is otherwise great, to me suggests that it is great because you are a nice person who wants to see the best in people, who avoids confrontation, who acquiesces as a result of being too willing to take on board the other person's POV rather than stick to your own. I suspect that if you challenged your DP and refused to back down, you'd see a very different side to him.

Good luck with finding a way through this.

...the second time ds met him, he was going on and on and on about it, calling him a baby, and ds whacked him in the face.

^^This

This complete stranger man ridicules a 4 year old boy for using a comforter in the privacy of his own home, to the point where the poor child lashes out at him.

We are a step-family. DH first met my son when DS was almost 4 and still not fully toilet trained. He also used a bottle for comfort/night-time drinks and co-slept with me. DH would never have dreamed of criticising or even commenting on any of these things.

Teasing a tiny child until he becomes violent is a huge red flag. Sorry OP - you should either set some unbreakable boundaries in place now - tell your DP his criticism of your parenting and ridiculing your son is a deal breaker and never to be repeated - or get rid.

Taking the situation with your kids out of the equation, this stood out to me I tried to talk about it with him last night, but dp is very much the type of person that needs time to reflect on something, and can't have a sensible conversation about it for a few days. Otherwise he's dead defensive.. Can you really deal with that type of person? Any issues will have to be left until he has had his time to 'reflect'. In a live in situation that sounds like it will start to grate in time.