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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need dp to back off when it comes to his opinions of my dc. Any advice on how to do this sensitively?

91 replies

Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:19

Dp and I have been together for almost two years. The dc only met him for the first time at Christmas, and largely, things are fine, ds is 4yo and dd is 6yo. Dp has two dc as well, but for various reasons, I haven't met them yet, they are 18yo and 13yo, so really a completely different kettle of fish imo. He is a good dad by all accounts, his 13yo dd adores him, they have a wonderful relationship, but he has a much less close bond with his son. From what he's told me, his ds was a very quiet child, very happy in his own company, and a bit of a loner. My 4yo ds really could not be any more different. He is incredibly loud and boisterous, and non-stop. Like most other 4yo boys I know, to be honest.

Dp lives 130 miles away from us, so when he is with us, it is always for a couple of days. My ds still has a dummy, just inside the house, but it is permanently in his mouth. Dp has a big problem with this, and the second time ds met him, he was going on and on and on about it, calling him a baby, and ds whacked him in the face. Obviously not good, and ds was suitably chastised. A couple of weeks later, I had a chat with dp, told him that whilst I wasn't a fan of the dummy either, he needed to leave the parenting to me. I think he is just so used to playing the 'dad' role, that he thinks this is where he slots in.

This weekend he has been here (he's gone now, obv...), and we've had more dummy battles, apparently I give in too much, he doesn't like the way that ds wrestles with my mum (she's fun grandma to the extreme!) and tears from me last night. He also doesn't like the whinging.

So good luck with that.

I tried to talk about it with him last night, but dp is very much the type of person that needs time to reflect on something, and can't have a sensible conversation about it for a few days. Otherwise he's dead defensive.

We are very lucky that we are able to spend lots of time alone, when the dc are with ex-dh, but I am becoming concerned about the way I feel when he is here, as I am on edge.

Is this normal? Am I expecting too much too soon? Should I reconsider. I don't know. This is unchartered territory for me. It is the first relationship I've had since ex-dh, and my parents are still together.

I don't really know what to think. His behaviour has really taken me by surprise, I never expected this to be such an issue at all.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2014 13:14

I personally wouldn't be happy with that OP and I've been in the situation of introducing a bf to my kids so I do know how you feel.

I'd say that if you'd pulled him up on it, he apologised and changed his tune first time, then I'd be prepared to move onwards. But to do this again, even after you've had a word, would make me call it a day.

The thing about not speaking to him about it for a few days because he's defensive is not a good sign either. I assume it's all been good times and fun until now. And here's the first bump in the road and he's being an arse about it.

You need to do some thinking. Good luck it's not an easy situation

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:16

Thanks everyone. Possibly not what I expected, but thanks Sad

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 13:19

He's not 'acting like a parent'.... he's acting like a bully. Because he's a bully. Look at the description. Treating the OP's home as his domain, goading a 4yo by calling him a baby over and over again, and then .... classic bullyboy stuff .... needing a few days to think things over before the OP feels they can tackle him or he gets 'dead defensive'. And we call imagine what that is a euphemism for. Hmm

Horrible.

Casmama · 21/04/2014 13:20

I think a four year old having a dummy permanently in their mouth in the house is ridiculous and if you don't like it then deal with it. Also whinging kids are bloody annoying.

However, they are your children and even after telling him to back off and leave the parenting to you your P is having a go at your son and leaving you in tears- that is not on.

I would have one more chat with him and make clear that these issues are deal breakers for you and if he can't back off then the relationship is over.

eightandthreequarters · 21/04/2014 13:20

If he's kicking off and being utterly rude and demeaning to your DS about a dummy - which is of no consequence whatsoever - what's he going to do when it's a problem at school? When it's an issue over a sport or music lesson your DS doesn't fancy anymore? When he has a girlfriend that DP does not like? When he simply is not who DP thinks he ought to be?

I never know why people are labelled as 'good dads' with little evidence to back that up. No 'good dad' would belittle a 4-year-old over a dummy.

If he had sat back on meeting your DC, and not interacted much, I would think, well, he just needs time. But he jumped straight in with insults.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:22

It's not a euphemism for anything, it really isn't.

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 13:24

So what does 'dead defensive' look like in practice? Sulking? Arguments? ....

TheCatThatSmiled · 21/04/2014 13:25

For what it's worth I've been where you are, but with older boys. I ignored the warning signs, disapproval of the boys,the sulks, implied criticism of my patenting. We never lived together as I called it a day before it got to that stage, but he damaged my sons faith on my judgment and made them so much more wary when my now lovely DH came along a couple of years later.

DH has been a fab step dad, and is an excellent male role model, friend and, well, parent. But he started slow and got to know them as Mums boyfriend before stepping into any sort of parental role. It was years before he'd earned that right.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:25

Neither. Conversations are more constructive when the dust has settled. That's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:27

I think one of the mistakes we have made is not just taking things slowly with them, in that he is here overnight when he's here.

Dd absolutely loves him, and ds cried when he went home this morning, it's not all been bad.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/04/2014 13:27

Personally I loathe dummies and hate seeing even babies sucking away on them like a calf on the teat. But I wouldn't dream of saying anything, to a parent or a child. And teasing a little boy who obviously finds it comforting Hmm. I couldn't forgive or excuse that.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/04/2014 13:29

Out of interest OP, what response did you expect?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:31

I really don't know, Schnitzel. I certainly never expected him to be described as an 'arsehole' or a 'nasty piece of work', or for there to be some kind of suggestion that he is abusive because I described him as defensive.

And I'm trying desperately hard not be defensive myself, but just listen to what people think.

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 21/04/2014 13:33

Pinkjenny my lads were initially very welcoming to Ex bf, it's very early days, they will like him and welcome him in - as a new friend.

basgetti · 21/04/2014 13:33

Well what would you call a grown man who relentlessly mocks a 4 year old, if not an arsehole?

expatinscotland · 21/04/2014 13:34

This man is a twat. PLEASE get him away from your children.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:35

I'm not looking for an argument. I was answering a question.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 21/04/2014 13:35

Even with just the dummy situation...it's fine for him to have a different opinion to you about it, it's fine for him to express that opinion to you, it's even fine for him to disagree with your decision as long as he respects that it is your decision.

He not only didn't respect that it is your decision - he dealt with it by calling a 4 year old names and upsetting him, a 4 year old that he'd met once before! That's the complete opposite of fine, what sort of adult thinks it's appropriate to bully a small child because they don't agree with a decision the child's parent has made?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:36

I agree with that completely, tabulahrasa.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/04/2014 13:38

When you're a single mum, how a prospective partner gets on with your kids is a key deciding factor. He doesn't, so that's that.

I actually think it's helpful that he has had to stay with you because you can see the reality.

TheCatThatSmiled · 21/04/2014 13:38

Pink, you need to be very clear with him that he is not to try and parent them. That's your job .

If he ignores and carries on, that is the red flag. It means that he not only does not respect you as the children's mother, and obviously are doing it all wrong (so does not respect YOU) but is happy to trample all over your boundaries no matter what you say or feel.

If he does this over a dummy, what will he do over something more serious?

Itsfab · 21/04/2014 13:40

What business is it of his if your son and mum want to play wrestling together? Hmm This man just screams bad news. I would get out now. He is trying to assert the authority he thinks he has in your home, what with having a dick. Obviously he is being a dick too.

TheCatThatSmiled · 21/04/2014 13:43

And for what it's worth I also totally understand how difficult this is. You've met someone that you like, makes you happy, started picturing a future - them suddenly something happens to make you pause.

The temptation is to carry on and see what happens, please don't. Take a step back and a good hard look.

TalkingintheDark · 21/04/2014 13:45

Sorry OP but I agree with just about everyone else on here. He's a bully.

Whatever issues he has with your DS still having a dummy, a) it's not his job to be calling any shots at this stage, and b) calling your DS names and upsetting him is not only the worst way to go about dealing with it, it's bullying, as many others have said.

I'm not surprised your DS had a pop at him for it, good for him - it's your DP that needed "chastising" IMO for picking on a small child he barely knows (or any small child, obvs, but the fact he's doing this right at the beginning of their relationship shows a massive lack of emotional intelligence and consideration).

Your DC need you to protect them from being bullied, not for you to facilitate it in their own home.

They are still so small, there are a lot of years of parenting ahead and it doesn't sound like you and your DP are on the same page at all from these brief glimpses.

Sorry it's not what you want to hear, I can understand that after you've invested two years in this guy, but as the MN saying goes, he's telling you who he is and you need to listen. If you really want to stay with him the only way I could see it working is if you go back to it being just you and him when the DC are at their dad's. But I presume you introduced him to them with a view to things developing more seriously, long term, so I don't suppose that's what you really want.

But please don't inflict a bully in your DC. Or yourself, come to that. Because the way he's trying to make you parent the way he thinks you should do it is also bullying and controlling towards you, however not controlling he is in other aspects of your relationship.

Hissy · 21/04/2014 13:48

Agree on the dummy (but don't like them anyway, so feel free to ignore me on that)

However this man has known them less than 4m and is namecalling and getting in their business?

And you're letting him?

Perhaps the dummy (the one your ds uses and not the dummy you seem to have involved yourself with) is symptomatic of you not dealing with things. This is something that's unusual, and it should be a priority to stop his reliance on the dummy. Wrt your 'DP' piping up, this too shows you're allowing others to set the rules in your life/environment because with me, there'd only be ONE occasion where some bloke they'd known for 5m had the balls to interfere in my parenting decisions, but no second time.

I worry that this is the tip of the iceberg.

This is a LDR so you don't see him all the time, haven't seen him with his own kids, and he's doing a shit job of with yours. You don't know this guy. You really don't.

You are the dc parent. YOU! This is your household. Your rules, your kids, your boundaries.

You're in danger of sleepwalking into handing control of everything over to others.

You're these dc mum, not bff, so please parent them so that others don't feel tempted to muscle into parenting them for you.

Your little one sounds like he has confidence issues, perhaps this relationship isn't helping him and he's acting like he's regressing. Ignore this at your peril.

You can do this love! (((hug)))