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Original poster

Need dp to back off when it comes to his opinions of my dc. Any advice on how to do this sensitively?

91 replies

Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:19

Dp and I have been together for almost two years. The dc only met him for the first time at Christmas, and largely, things are fine, ds is 4yo and dd is 6yo. Dp has two dc as well, but for various reasons, I haven't met them yet, they are 18yo and 13yo, so really a completely different kettle of fish imo. He is a good dad by all accounts, his 13yo dd adores him, they have a wonderful relationship, but he has a much less close bond with his son. From what he's told me, his ds was a very quiet child, very happy in his own company, and a bit of a loner. My 4yo ds really could not be any more different. He is incredibly loud and boisterous, and non-stop. Like most other 4yo boys I know, to be honest.

Dp lives 130 miles away from us, so when he is with us, it is always for a couple of days. My ds still has a dummy, just inside the house, but it is permanently in his mouth. Dp has a big problem with this, and the second time ds met him, he was going on and on and on about it, calling him a baby, and ds whacked him in the face. Obviously not good, and ds was suitably chastised. A couple of weeks later, I had a chat with dp, told him that whilst I wasn't a fan of the dummy either, he needed to leave the parenting to me. I think he is just so used to playing the 'dad' role, that he thinks this is where he slots in.

This weekend he has been here (he's gone now, obv...), and we've had more dummy battles, apparently I give in too much, he doesn't like the way that ds wrestles with my mum (she's fun grandma to the extreme!) and tears from me last night. He also doesn't like the whinging.

So good luck with that.

I tried to talk about it with him last night, but dp is very much the type of person that needs time to reflect on something, and can't have a sensible conversation about it for a few days. Otherwise he's dead defensive.

We are very lucky that we are able to spend lots of time alone, when the dc are with ex-dh, but I am becoming concerned about the way I feel when he is here, as I am on edge.

Is this normal? Am I expecting too much too soon? Should I reconsider. I don't know. This is unchartered territory for me. It is the first relationship I've had since ex-dh, and my parents are still together.

I don't really know what to think. His behaviour has really taken me by surprise, I never expected this to be such an issue at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:42

Are bumps still acceptable?

OP posts:
DameFanny · 21/04/2014 12:46

He doesn't sound like a keeper tbh - you shouldn't be on eggshells, and he should be respecting the way you parent your own children.

Is he this controlling about other stuff?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:47

Not at all controlling in any other way, no.

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 12:48

Normal for a bully. 'Dead defensive'? Picks on little kids over dummies? And now you have to tippy-toe around him to keep him sweet. If you consider that he's only known your children for a few months and you don't even live together then I think you're lucky to have had chance to see the real him in action. Nasty piece of work

DameFanny · 21/04/2014 12:48

So why can't you just tell him not to interfere?

CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 12:50

Because he's 'dead defensive' and she has to 'back off for a few days'.... Hmm

The man's an arsehole

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/04/2014 12:51

Why do you need to show sensitivity? He isn't.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:51

I fully intend to. I just have no frame of reference for how to approach it.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 21/04/2014 12:51

Which is a form of control in itself.

OP - are you sure things really are fine when it's just the two of you?

basgetti · 21/04/2014 12:52

Nasty bully who you shouldn't subject your children to. And if you haven't met his children you have no idea whether or not he is a good dad.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:53

I'm absolutely sure things are fine when it's just the two of us, yes.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 21/04/2014 12:53

How about "I'm not happy with the way you're behaving with my kids - what will you do to reassure me that you've listened this time?"

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 12:53

And yes, that is a good point, basgetti.

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 12:56

The only frame of reference you need is to tell him 'it's been nice knowing you'. Agree with the PP but I don't think you need to meet his other children to see that he's bad news

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:00

Right, that seems a little hasty.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 21/04/2014 13:00

He isn't listening to you op and they are so little and he thinks it's acceptable to pick on them, he gets on with his daughter not his son. Sounds like the same with yours none of this sits right with me sorry.

Fairylea · 21/04/2014 13:01

So the second time he met your 4 year old son he effectively bullied him about his dummy to the point your son was very upset.... and you've continued to see this man?! Why??

He doesn't seem to have any empathy towards your kids. I couldn't stand someone treating my children like that.

Initial meetings between new partners and your children should be fun and enjoyable. If they're not then you have a massive problem.

I had a dd aged 7 when I met my now dh and the first time they met each other we all went to the cinema and walked along the dock to boat watch. They both had fun giggling at each other and it's gone on from there... We have now been married many years and have a toddler ds now too.

I really think your dp doesn't sound very nice.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:03

Yeah, the daughter and son thing is in the back of my mind.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/04/2014 13:06

I really don't see this working long term. Even if you tell him to butt the fuck out his need to have a go will come out in other ways.

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around him when your kids are there.

Enjoy yourself with him by all means but let it die a natural death.. or cut your losses now.

TheCatThatSmiled · 21/04/2014 13:07

I have to agree OP, this is a big wavy red flag.

Why does he feel he has a right to parent your children? Especially so soon after meeting them? You DS is 4, so the dummy thing is no big deal, I very much doubt he will still be using one when he's 14. Why is it a big deal for your P?

Could he have some mixed up ideas about sons having to 'man up', which would explain his relationship with his son.

I think you need to think long and hard about this, and go no further until you are satisfied that he will cause no emotional harm to your children. And also until you have got to now his.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:07

Wow, fairly unanimous opinions then.

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 21/04/2014 13:09

PTS *know his children

Purpleroxy · 21/04/2014 13:09

I cannot understand why on only the 2nd time of meeting a 4yo, you would have a go about a dummy. I know sweet fa about dummies but I wouldn't have commented and certainly not to the child.

Tillyscoutsmum · 21/04/2014 13:09

He needs to back off. You know this. His attempt at getting ds to ditch the dummy by "teasing/joking" is misguided. Especially after meeting him twice.

It sounds like he's trying to be a hands on parent. Is that something you've encouraged? Have you told him you struggle to parent them yourself? Implied you'd appreciate some help/input from him?

Obviously, in the future if you're living together etc, then he will have some input on parenting. But it's such early days in terms of his relationship with your dc's. He just needs to understand that he needs to get to know them, earn their trust and respect, become friends with them. Any attempts at "parenting" them before he's done that are not going to be conducive to a decent relationship with them in the future.

He just needs to slow down. He may well be a parent. He may be a good one. But he's not a parent to your dc's and he needs to stop trying to act like one.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 21/04/2014 13:10

I do know, yes. It's really odd, I never expected this to be an issue for one second.

OP posts: